Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

Also posted in relationships.

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt

Sorry just had to get that out

When some one shows you who they are and what their priorities are ... Listen
He is saying he doesn't care that you have had to get a loan out to pay off his credit cards
He doesn't care that he has racked up the debit
All the matters is continued access to funds for gambling.
Stop the loan and pack him a bag and not let him back until he's taken some responsibility.

Ask yourself what could you do together with the money you'll be paying each month to pay off his gambling debts.

Did he ever show you the statement that you posted about originally?

An employee of my husbands discovered that her husband had forged her signature to extend their mortgage, luckily she had a sympathetic bank manager. She divorced him,I think you should do the same.

Another update from me (think I’ll start using this as a diary!)
On Friday he asked me to transfer him some money so he could play a game online
I said no, what a waste of money

He said in that case transfer me all my money. So I did (after I deducted his half of the bills and food)

Im done with this now and I won’t be helping him. From now our finances are separate until I can get out of this.

Hopefully he hasn’t blown all of it, he needs petrol in his car, £38 for his train ticket for the week plus £6 a day to park at the station.

No doubt he’ll ask me for money. Any tips for standing firm when I say no?

Thank you

You just say no, that you don't have anything spare and it's his problem if he's not budgeted well enough. And you keep saying no. You tried to help, he's rejected that so the consequences are on him. You can't bail him out of he does get into difficulty because what he learns is that he doesn't need to be careful as you are a safety net.

Yep. You simply say no, again and again and again. If he's spent on his money, ask him how that's your problem. And you really must bring forward your plans to leave before he drags you and your kids down with him.

I promise I know how this goes, my exH was a gambling addict too with nearly 15k of debt. He had chance after chance and I just couldn't live like it anymore

Simply say no and dont let him grind you down. Its his mess to sort, you cant help him unless he helps himself.

Just to be aware as you are married, even if you own 70% of the house by a deed of trust that isn't legally binding after marriage and he could get 50% if he would need that money to be able to be housed

Same with any savings you have, they are deemed marital assets and if he doesn't have any savings

I'm so sorry, it's very worrying. MOH has a gambling addiction but, as far as I know, hasn't gambled for years as he's doesn't have the credit or the money. He defaulted on 3 credit cards and we had bailiffs round twice. Our home is mine and he has no possessions (no car, nothing) and he has a very small state pension that goes on his debts every month. He has free board and lodging with me but does odd jobs (cash in hand) for any spending money and, if there's enough we go out together. I also reached rock bottom and withdrew all my financial help as it just enabled his addiction - I don't blame him, it is an illness. He had cancer a few years back and I couldn't throw him out (and I didn't want to either) so here we are. I would have behaved differently if I'd been at risk of losing my home though so please get proper legal advice 💐

Do you know how much debt he is in yet? If would still rather concerned about your financial situation. I'd be getting some expert advice on how to proceed. I'm not sure how easy it will be to legally separate finances within a marriage. You might also want to think about what would happen if he wanted /needed to get his 30% share of the house?

Is there anyone else he is likely to borrow money off if he doesn't get it from you?

I would also look at some emotional support for yourself, is there anyone you can confide in about the situation.

Have you heard of Gamstop, OP? I would make him sign up to this. It’s a lifesaver for online gamblers and has been used by a friend in the past. Once you’ve registered your details it automatically shuts down any gambling accounts you have in your name and prevents you from opening new ones (you set a freeze period I think the minimum might be 3 years) Obviously it wouldn’t stop him from betting on things like betting shops but if online gambling websites is an issue I’d ask him to register with this if he’s serious about wanting to stop.

In your shoes I would focus on getting out…

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites

And seek legal advice urgently so you can get out of this marriage as quickly and cleanly as possible.

NB: Do you own your house as tenants in common or as joint tenants?

OP, my brother is a gambling addict (but he thinks he isn't) he moved back in with my parents as was about to lose his home through not paying bills. It was agreed my Mum would manage his money, and she did the dealing with Stepchange, putting in debt agreements, paying each one each month, negotiating settlements with some when balances were lower etc etc.

He, still, will demand money for XYZ. When she says no he sends her abusive texts, demands his passport (his passport just lives in the same cupboard as hers and my dads so she knows where it is, he also knows where it is, it's not taken from him) threatens to move out, threatens the police, threatens to end his life.

Addicts never, ever change. As hard as this is, you considering starting to look at options to leave is saving you and the children so much grief in the future

His debt is currently £8,000

I know he’s borrowed from his Mum in the past, £50

He did sign up to that but it doesn’t include sites based abroad unfortunately

We are tenants in common with unequal shares

How confident are you that this is all there is?
I'd be a bit concerned about how open he has been this weekend about wanting the money for gambling to be honest. Does that include the money you gave him yesterday/today?

I have access to his credit reports with all the agencies and his has that one credit card, his current account and a mortgage

I have no idea what he’s done with the money he had on Friday

Gambling is like any other addiction. Addicts lie, cheat, steal, beg and borrow to feed their addiction. All your husband will be interested in is himself and making the next bet. You need to separate your finances, seek legal advice and stand firm on him asking you for money. If he's desperate enough, he could resort to selling items from your home. My BIL used to sell anything he could get his hands on, to provide him with gambling money.

Any tips for standing firm when I say no?

You keep telling yourself what you just said in your post:
"Im done with this now and I won’t be helping him. From now our finances are separate until I can get out of this."

You are done.
You won't be helping him - that means even if he has no money to get to work and loses his job - you are done and it is not your problem.
Your finances are now separate, and will remain separate, right up to the divorce and beyond.

You need to divorce ASAP.
If you can't buy him out of his 30% by taking on an extended mortgage in your name, then you will have to sell the house.
Go get some mortgage advice ASAP, as well as talking to a solicitor about a divorce first thing tomorrow morning.

He has an addiction, he has limited control of his actions. Maybe cut him some slack, and work together in helping both of you move past this, ensuring that he get back on track.

There's often a 30 day time delay between an application and something appearing on your credit file, it sounds like you have a reasonable handle on things just be aware you might be always a month behind on the full picture.

I think she has cut him quite a lot of slack to be honest. For the past year she has been ensuring the credit card he's being using for gambling is being paid. She has taken control of the finances and managing life to minimise the destruction from the gambling. Trying to get him in a place where they can work on it together. It's not like at the first sign of gambling she is doing a runner.

She started this post when he refused to talk to her about whether or not he had gambled more money on the credit card he's been previously maxed out gambling.
He's started GA then stopped going. He signed up for gamstop then found workarounds.

Right now there's one person willing to help and the other very much stuck in addiction. The addict needs to be at a place where they are ready to engage with help and there is only so much the other person can do when the only priority the other person has is continuing the addiction. At some point you have to stop, pause and look after yourself. Right now, the best thing she can do is protect her own financial situation and hope that soon he sees the light and starts to engage with her again

I say this as a person with previous problems with addiction for me it was drink and eating disorders.

Hi OP, just wondering how things ended up for you. Friend is in a similar situation and pulling her hair out. Did anything work in getting through to your husband? Hope that you and your child are doing well.

Hi thank you for your message. He’s doing better (at the moment) he’s at 44 days without gambling and he’s started paying off £100 a week to the debt

Did you ever get to see the statement?