Inheritance - fair and equal?

[JollyTeaScroller]

Sometimes fair does not translate to equal.
Parents who have 3 kids, two of them very well off with older kids and houses that cost 1m, and the third kid came out of a bad divorce, remarried, just had a baby and has nothing to their name and is struggling to get a mortgage.
Parents want to be fair so they are leaving their house to all 3 siblings.
And I understand and respect that, but isn't there something to be said about what is fair.
So for example if their house proceeds leave 150k to all 3 siblings, the 50k would just be extra money for the first two siblings, no great amount, but for the 3rd sibling that would mean they could have a healthy deposit to buy a house for their new family.
It's not going to happen, as parents want to be fair, but just wanted your views on it.

Let me guess

you are the 3rd sibling?!

No one knows what the future holds for any of us. It is fair to give equal shares.

This. What’s to say one of the other siblings has a messy divorce and needs more money later on? Or as an accident needing care. When it comes to inheritance it should be split equally.

This.

I mean, what if the shit hits the fan for one of the other siblings after the parents die? Would the 3rd sibling feel obliged to give some of the 150k back to them should they need it?

How do you know that the wealthy ones aren’t going to sadly divorce in the next few years, or become ill? Or their dh becomes unemployed and they lose the house? Fair is giving everyone the same amount.

Giving unequal amounts could also make it appear that the parents love one sibling more than the others. That can hurt and cause divide in the family.

Or the third sibling is proposing this?

I would split equally in this scenario. It's not fair to penalise the ones who have more money (and have worked harder/made better choices). If the better off 2 really don't need the money at all they can always vary the will, but it should be there choice and not something that anyone should push for.

It is not me, it is my friend, and we were having this conversation yesterday so I just was thinking about it and thought I would ask for thoughts.

This also happened to my mother's family where the grandparents left more to one of the children (my cousin) who was orphaned young and felt they had a disadvantage. Everyone else agreed when the grandparents suggested it.

So it makes me think..

The first two siblings have enough savings for their children and their grandchildren to live a very comfortable life.

I just wonder, if you are a parent, and you know your last child did not have much luck in their life, and has nothing when the other two have everything, would you not think of asking your children 'would that be okay if we left the house to them?'

An evenly split inheritance is about more than the financial value, it’s the parents saying “I love you all equally”.

The first two siblings could also end up in messy divorces, or go bankrupt, or who knows what. The third sibling could win the lottery jackpot. The parents could use up the entire value on care costs.

The first two siblings might generously decide to donate their inheritance to the third. Or they might not. If you are the third, don’t let your bitterness over this affect your relationship with either your parents or siblings.

A three-way equal split in the will is the only fair way and it’s obviously what the parents want to do.

There is a massive difference between ‘orphaned young’ and ‘decided to have another kid when she couldn’t really afford it’.

On the flip side my Mum is leaving her flat to my sister. My sister currently lives there ( mum is in supported accommodation) she has an older child with special needs so struggles to work. Gets various benefits but still much rather they had secure accommodation than the vagaries of private rental market. Flat is probably worth 140k, I don’t imagine there’s much other money so no inheritance for me.

I do think in some situations it’s a needs rather than fairness.

Unless their money comes from a lottery win, their life and financial situation is nothing to do with luck. Suggest the 3rd sibling stop feeling sorry for themselves and make their own 'luck'. Or at least stop having babies when they've got 'nothing to their name' 🤷‍♀️

“Luck” changes

Goodness this friend went in to a heck of a lot of detail about her siblings and parents finances didn’t she

I know and I think it's nice of them to want to be super fair but it made me think of this image and wanted to debate this.
It sort of all depends on where we are all starting from
From a philosophical point of view, I am not sure that equal is always necessarily fair.
Just thinking about it...
But I hear the argument that fairness from parents is a symbolical 'we love you all equally'
(even though sometimes that is not true and favourites clearly exist)

An orphaned child is a completely different situation. I would hope in that situation they would be left more, or for example someone with severe disabilities that needs security and care for life. But one sibling divorced and decided to have a new baby with a new partner before securing a mortgage, no.

From a outside perspective, it might seem that I have had more 'luck' than my younger brothers but I would be incensed if my parents left more to them, who neither of own a house and have nothing set by for retirement. Our luck is from working hard and saving hard, and while we might not need it as much as they do, we certainly do deserve as much of any inheritance as them.

Yes for the bf a like disabilities or being orphaned. That image is for equity for disadvantages. Not for life choices.

My MIL told me about a family she knew where the parents did what you / your friend is proposing but after their death the children's situations changed pretty drastically and a few years down the line the decision to 'favour' one of them over the other looked totally ridiculous. Ultimately it bred a lot of resentment because the 'favoured' child did not try to help their sibling out when they fell on hard times.

I agree thar for and equal are not the same thing, but do think in this situation equal is the only way to go.

An inheritance is about so much more than money. Even if you don't need (or even want) the money, giving unequal amounts is going to hurt and leave tensions between siblings behind.

you never know when life is going to take a turn for someone. Financial disparity alone can be temporary.

Unless one of the siblings has profound disabilities or medical needs and is unable to provide for themselves, the best thing is to provide equal inheritance. This avoids hurt feelings and thoughts of favoritism. It also means that the will doesn’t need to be adjusted repeatedly if people’s life circumstances change.

if one of the siblings has huge needs, it may be that all of the resources need to be placed in trust to provide for lifetime care. That is the kind of situation where fair but not equal comes into play.

You seem to want your friend to receive more than her fair share OP.

Even though posters have pointed out that anyone's fortunes can change during their lifetime, for better or worse.

She sounds greedy and entitled.

Nah dividing it equally is fair. The third child chose to get married to that person (and therefore divorced) and chose to have a baby.

Id only do unequal for things completely outside of control eg one child or grandchild was born very disabled.

I wonder the degree of when everything is relative, the orphaned child was orphaned from one parent only, so grandparents felt he had a disadvantage, the other siblings (my mum and her sisters) all agreed. Maybe others wouldnt agree, as he was perfectly functional and had a really good education and job. If it was you, you might not have agreed.

My friend that I was talking to yesterday was the third 'surprise' baby and feels her two older siblings enjoyed a lot of her parent's support when they were younger and made more money, so they all got houses 30 years ago when it was much easier.

People divorce, people have mental health issues, people are not all the same, following a nicely neat trajectory of 2.5 kids and a fenced house.

I am just debating this, as I feel it's very interesting, philosophically and what constutites fair and equal. (I do not care really for these comments that are harsh or personally attack me or are sarcastic. )

Equal split feels fairer to me. Plus you don't know what's around the corner with siblings financial situation. Lots can change