Inheritance - fair and equal?

[JollyTeaScroller]

Sometimes fair does not translate to equal.
Parents who have 3 kids, two of them very well off with older kids and houses that cost 1m, and the third kid came out of a bad divorce, remarried, just had a baby and has nothing to their name and is struggling to get a mortgage.
Parents want to be fair so they are leaving their house to all 3 siblings.
And I understand and respect that, but isn't there something to be said about what is fair.
So for example if their house proceeds leave 150k to all 3 siblings, the 50k would just be extra money for the first two siblings, no great amount, but for the 3rd sibling that would mean they could have a healthy deposit to buy a house for their new family.
It's not going to happen, as parents want to be fair, but just wanted your views on it.

i don't miss the niceties at all, i do not think women should speak kindly or anything. blunt is fine.

but there are assumptions made that are not only are very unempathic (and not supportive of another woman's situation) , they are also very wrong indeed.

so this is what i am opposing, making assumptions from one sentence and thinking you know it all. this is what i mean by nuance.

like all the people saying 'your friend', or that she should never have had another child when she did not afford it, or that she made bad decisions.

surely you can see that this is a judgmental attitude

maybe people feel very touchy about the subject of inheritance and I can see why it can be an emotive subject.

Well your friend clearly feels “very touchey” about the subject

I agree with this, that it would be up to the siblings. And she agrees too, she is not being unreasonable.

But you know, very wealthy people can be very stingy and very entitled and very greedy and very grabby, sometimes.

It does not mean that if you are rich you are generous. In fact, my friend is much more generous to her parents than her rich siblings.

‘Assumptions’ were made based on what YOU wrote in your op. No one bar you knew about the IVF etc. if you didn’t want people to talk about ‘choices’ being the point, maybe you shouldn’t have written ‘she’s having a baby she can’t afford’ or whatever words you wrote, in your op.

It really shouldn’t be controversial or judgemental to say that nobody should be having kids they can’t afford to look after.

This!
Someone I know had a good job, was married to someone who also had a good job, life was good, DC in private school etc. Her sister had never married, had a low paid job, no DC, rented a small flat.

When they were in their early 50s their (widowed) Mum died and left the family home to the unmarried daughter as she had the greater need.

Fast forward 6 years, the married daughter was divorced, had changed her good/stable job to a much lower paid vocational one, and was living in a tiny flat bought out of the proceeds of the divorce. No spare money for holidays etc.

Meanwhile the unmarried daughter had met and married a very wealthy widower and was in a much better financial position than her sister.

I would never leave one of my children more or less money than the other one. No matter what their circumstances. It will cause bitterness, no matter how well intentioned it is

OP,
maybe people feel very touchy about the subject of inheritance and I can see why it can be an emotive subject.

and that’s why it’s almost always best to simply split estates between children evenly. It’s the normal thing to do and the least likely to cause issues.

I have two adult DCs, I wouldn't penalise one for being more 'succesful', for want of a better word. Inheritance should be split equally.

Curious to know if your friend's siblings are both brothers and she is the only girl.

I think often daughters are the favourites/expect to be

Exactly.

My grandparents left their money to their other grandchildren, excluding me, and while I rationally understand why (my parents are much better off), there is part of me that thinks they didn't love me as much

I hear that, I think equal share does safeguard any future potential changes. So yes, I agree with that completely.
In a sense, it's not the current 'need', it's their whole life ahead of them that it might change and you want it to never be revisited.
Done and dusted and everyone feels good about it.
But there is a part of me that still is not sure.
I am not sure whether I am now thinking my family should have not done this to leave more share to my cousin, I am now starting to think whether the other resented it.
I am also thinking about the difference between generosity and stingy-ness and how completely irrelevant that is to financial situation..but I suppose this is another conversation (for another day and another thread :)

I agree that fair and equal are not the same thing, but in terms of inheritance and parental love I'd be grateful for equal.

There's no mistake with equal, it's objective and absolute.

Parents who want to be "fair" can get it wrong and cause so much upset and hurt.

After all an inheritance isn't a given to be counted on but a bonus.

Stop being bitter and jealous of your siblings and trying to bring on philosophical arguments to excuse your grabbiness!

but there are assumptions made that are not only are very unempathic (and not supportive of another woman's situation) , they are also very wrong indeed.

Nobody here knows your friend. Her parents presumably know her very well - and they’ve still chosen to treat her exactly the same as their other children, which very probably says something about how they view her apparent lack of “luck” and that they don’t think it’s worth a a nebulous assessment about who’s more deserving. You’re far too invested in a financial situation which has nothing to do with you and which your friend will necessarily be the main character in and making herself out to be hard done by. Tell her to ask her siblings how they’d feel about giving her some of their money, if you both believe it’s fair she should have more.

Out of Interest op, do you have siblings? In similar financial circumstances as you? Or much wealthier or less wealthy?

Why would I be automatically supportive of someone else’s position just because they are “another woman”?

I'd say officially divide evenly, but discuss before hand that if anyone feels like they are doing well when the time comes, then to do a deed of variation to transfer a part of their share to others or others' children.

Then it stops anyone feeling resentful but plants the seed in their head to think of the others as that's the parents wishes after all.

You could even go so far as to adding an obligation on the executors to arrange mediation on the topic to gain a consensus on the split. But that might cause more problems than it solves!

You could even do something really esoteric like putting a share in trust and making the trust pay expenses for people leaving their partners, or children's university fees or whatever you can imagine. But I wouldn't go that far unless you have millions.

thank you so much for sharing this, very informative and thought provoking!

and thank you to everyone else who offered constructive thoughts and helpful examples.

much appreciated! x

My inlaws have recently changed their wills - they had previously left their estate 50/50 to their two children (my husband and his sister) but now have it for 25% for my husband, his sister and our two children.

The reason this is relevant is that we are fine - not great - but fine financially but my sister in law is an alcoholic with mental health issues and a lot of financial challenges for that reason. So unless anything changes dramatically, she's the one who needs the money most. I feel uncomfortable with this whole setup as it feels like they've penalised her for not having children, but it's not my money or my business and who knows if there will even be any money left after care homes and such. They're also worried about what she might do with a windfall like this (if there is indeed a windfall) so I think that's part of it too.

in the scenario you're talking about here, I think a fair split is absolutely the right thing to do. They can perhaps help her now or find other ways to support their child who is having a difficult time, but as far as inheritance goes it should definitely be split equally IMO as who knows what the future holds and who knows when this will be relevant.

Surely much better to focus money on getting her treatment and in rehab?

I don’t agree with you. It should be shared equally.

Not saying this is the case here but if one child is feckless and doesn't make anything of their lives why should the parents give them more than the ones that worked hard? And the more well off siblings targets might be different but they are equally important to them, they have dreams too, just different ones. Also £50k is a good amount for the less well off sibling anyway. It should be split equally.

They financially support her now and would be delighted to pay for rehab if she would agree to go.

Definitely 1/3 for each sibling. It’s the only way.

YABU. If your D parents are alive ask them for help now. eg if you live locally and do more for them than siblings then ask them to pay part of your rent or mortgage. If they won't then suggest they might pay for a holiday for you and DC or something. Money for such things will go unrecorded/forgotten unless excessive. TBH you are being totally ridiculous expecting them to change their wills based on your current circumstances. The will is there forever and for everyone to see, no one who looks at it later will know the circumstances of individual siblings.

In that case, a large inheritance will be dangerous