15K loan without my knowledge

[christmas00stressballs]

Looking for kind responses please. What would you do if your DH took out a 15K loan without your knowledge? In his name but I'm expected to help pay it off.
We struggle. We only just make ends meet. We have no savings.
I feel sick about it. I'm not coping.
For context, I don't know where we can save elsewhere. We need 2 cars as we live rural, 2 young kids, 1 in nursery. I'm in a low paid job, jobs are scarce where we are. Only hospitality and those are unsociable hours.
Please put yourself in my shoes.

Probably childcare so they could work more?

"I'm the bad guy though destroying everyone's dream. 😢"

You are absolutely not, and if he can't see that then it is a lost cause and you need to think about how you protect yourself financially from the idiot.

The kids are young enough to forget about the holiday if it isn't talked about, or you can go somewhere cheaper and pay loan back, or he can explain his stupidity to them.

Don't allow him to make you the bad guy.

This is known as financial infidelity.

It's very common now that people do his and hers finances and are let loose to manage things on their own without a partner to be accountable to or to bounce ideas off and make joint decisions.

I suggest family pot for everything and regular budget meetings where both credit rating and reports are gone through together, under the guise of working to improve your credit ratings together.

Yes it's normally for gambling or general "cost of living", although in my opinion living beyond means, an Instagram life. Fancy new car on finance, clothes, lots of takeaways, holiday payments, very expensive food shop...

I think if men and women are married then the other spouse should have to sign off on any debt. It's so bad and so many sad stories of people decimating their spouses financial life (as they then often try and help) and their joint financial goals.

But that probably won't happen as debt is a big business and that would solve a lot of problems for people but not for debt companies profit. And then the tax the government gets.

I also think debt should be linked to income. It should be really low, like 10% your annual income maximum unsecured debt. I see people who are working in shop and have accrued close to 50k unsecured debt, it's crazy and it's very common.

But again that common sense approach would cost the debt companies profit and the government tax.

I suggest you both read the book total money makeover, start a joint budget allocating your income to categories in percentages and strip out everything you can from your budget, yes two cars for rural, are you driving about in new mid/upper range suv's or a little car each like a corsa? Unless your up a dirt track road, you don't need a 4x4 suv.

Try get him on the same page and talk to provider about cooling off period if possible to give loan back. Tell him he has committed financial infidelity and this is serious, what is he going to do to fix this between you both. And then you can consider your next move based upon his actions.

I'd be concerned he has more debt and want to log in together to view his credit rating and details held. Money-saving expert do a free app which is easy to understand. Just so you know what your dealing with.

If he resists I'd assume there is a lot more than 15k of debt.

Sorry youre in this position x

Your youngest is still in nursery and likely won't even remember this holiday.

Madness on your husband's part.

And why has he written you both off as "too old" for family holidays in years to come? You're in your forties, not your seventies.

It's absolute madness, to do that for a holiday you can't afford.

In your shoes I'd probably leave him (and the debt).

Do not let him make you the baddy

"I'm the bad guy though destroying everyone's dream. 😢"

Everytime it is mentioned, referred about, hinted you need to stop him and correct him that you were stopping him putting you both in financial ruin- you are the hero to the story not the villain

Not sure I'll need to look

He got the loan through a work deal apparently. Not sure they do the same sort of checks a bank would.

Exactly how I see it too 😭

He is irresponsible and cavalier. I'd insist he repaid the loan immediately or I'd be completely done with him and seek a divorce. He's dragging you all into debt for something that's not even necessary. We are likely going into a recession in the next year and many will lose their jobs so going into debt for something as frivolous as an overseas holiday is madness. Don't let him drag you all down.

@RebelMoon thank you for your reply and also for letting me know I'm not ancient yet! ;-)
Yes I'm going to try and get to the bottom of it all. All the finances. I think there's good budgeting apps I'll explore that might show all the goings on with finances going forward, but I think I will also ask for access to look at the account.

Thank you for your response. I'll go look up the app. I don't think there's more debt but if there is he's hiding it well.

You need to make him see how difficult this has made it for the household budget and involve him in all the mental load of sorting the mess out.

He needs to sit by you and pay attention while you're researching budgeting, cost cutting etc. He clearly thinks that money grows on trees and he needs to see that it doesn't.

Here's your starting point, do everything that is relevant

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

Also sign up for the credit club for both of you and check regularly that everything is being paid back and no new credit has been taken out.

If you can't cancel the holiday then it will be 'the holiday of a lifetime' because its going to be years before you can afford another one. How much is the monthly payment and how long for? How much is the total cost going to be including interest?

When balancing the budget he needs to feel the pain. He needs to get a second job, not you. He needs to cut his personal spending not you. If you need to cut your grocery spending, make sure it's his favourites that go.

If he's typical man who likes lots of meat, snacks and alcohol then that's the sort of things that aren't affordable any more, too expensive. Your priority is sufficient nutrition for DC so fruit, veg and cheaper protein like pulses and eggs. Meat will be much reduced to balance the budget. No alcohol or snacks for him, its not affordable. He also needs to give up any takeaways or bought coffees or lunches and take a packed lunch and have basic tea and coffee in the office.

Good luck, I hope he has no more debt, it is very common so be prepared. Sometimes they do want relief of spouse knowing as its crushing for them to hide it all for so long and selfishly want the relief and help. So just be prepared what you will say and do if there is more unsecured debt.

Can I also say that we have no family and I definitely get how hard that is. We have also not been abroad and I do feel the weight of that, that time is passing and that we are somehow failing kids. But it's hard when we are covering all the basics on our own. Every family I know the grandparents are helping somehow or have previously helped somehow with cash gifts or inherited houses passed on.

Family units can provide practical help, moral support help, financial help or childcare help.

Some of these are not direct monetary gifts but some benefit financially, as you say childcare help. I know some families who have one or two prongs of help, some have all 4. Whilst we have none and the challenge of that has to be lived to be believed and truly empathised with. So solidarity to you x

We got nothing, not had a penny, as from generational poverty, not entitled to anything apart from child benefit but I feel can't afford any *extras", buying clothes feel like extras.

Last year my 4 year old boots developed a hole in the sole. This year we took kids to decathlon to get kitted out with new winter boots and jackets. We couldn't afford to replace my old boots, so I wore them a couple of times through the winter when I had to look a bit more presentable, getting wet feet. The rest of the time I've worn my now 1 year old trainers even in the Scottish icy cold days. So keeping us all properly clothed and footwear is not something we can do financially and I feel we are completely on top of budgeting. We've been struggling for years now, we were starting to feel comfortable but then mortgage rates have fucked us and we're close to the breadline every month. So I do get you that things are hard and the desire to experience life and enjoyable things.

All the more reason for full transparency and a joint effort on both your parts, to be a team. The book total money makeover is very good and talks about treating your marriage finances like a business, it's interesting.

Good luck x

Of course they would Op
the work loan will be underwritten by a bank

first thing you need to do is get the loan agreement. In fact i’m surprised this wasn’t something you did before starting a mumsnet thread

I'm really struggling to see how anyone could think a young couple with two small children and no spare cash needs a "trip of a lifetime."

That's for retirement. Not blowing money on something the kids won't even remember. Is it Disney?

He needs to get a second job.

Why do you live rurally if job options aren't plentiful?

i’m always astonished by how many OPs live rurally

and it turns out that the Op or partner doesn’t drive
and they have children
and limited job opportunities but they are struggling financially

You would not enjoy the holiday knowing you have gone into unmanageable to pay for it. Put a stop to it. Agree that holiday of a lifetime is for later in life, perhaps when children have left home if u can afford it? Lots of people can't afford this.

have you got hold of this “work” loan contact op?

I just want to say this is hard for me. I have had a really rough couple of years with bereavement and I have no family around now. So I'm Sensitive and just want to hide away.
I haven't seen the loan agreement but I will ask for it. I can't get excited about a holiday like this under these circumstances and he isn't happy.

By the way we do drive, we have to for work. My job requires use of my own car. DH commutes. So we need 2 cars.

I need to get out of my funk and get some control but he won't like it and has already taken the hump because I'm
Not excited. I have never taken out loans so I don't know the ins and outs. He blames me for my lack of enthusiasm. It's not just the money it's also our relationship that I am questioning and these are big things to take on especially with children. So please be kind.

I agree with you that lots of people can't afford holidays like this, but lots of his colleagues are going on holidays like this and he seems to think this is normal. Most people we know go on 4 holidays a year. No kidding.

I know many people who spend a good amount on holidays each year, but £15k is just ridiculous. It doesn't matter what others do anyway, it's what's best for you and your family.
I really hope you can get this sorted as soon as possible, I understand it's hard but I think it will be harder on you all if it is ignored.

Ridiculous. Same age, kids same age. Neither have mine. So what; we can't afford it right now. There are many years ahead to do something like this. It is never, ever worth getting into debt for a non-essential like this.
Has the holiday been booked? If not cancel the loan.
This is a relationship ending issue for me.

So what if his friends are doing it. It's a very immature attitude. You can't afford to do it. You're not it a position to do it. You dont have savings. You have no buffer in case of emergencies. Even if you could afford it, which you can't, it would be a ridiculous and frivolous thing to do. You need to save for a rainy day. You don't need a 15k holiday that your kids won't remember.

@BoldExpert yes I do drive we both do. And yes we live rural currently surrounded by snowy hills -9 temp but accessible to the city in Scotland but a good hour away. We bought out here due to house prices being crazy in the city.