What is fair financially in my situation as a SAHM?

[Dibdabdeb]

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate any opinions on this, as I feel myself and my DH have a slightly complex financial situation, and I have found myself feeling resentful recently, but I'm not sure if this is reasonable or not.
We have been married a few years now and very happy generally. Our DS was born last year and DH is a really good dad, but he's been struggling financially for quite some time now and I am starting to feel fed up with it. I'm of the opinion that we stick together through thick and thin, but I'm feeling resentful.
Between us we have assets. I have a flat and he has two houses. His houses have always given him problems, and I did say we should sell them, but he didn't.
When DS was born, we left my flat we were living in and moved in with my parents. This was a short-term plan. We assumed we would sell all our properties and buy a family home, but as we were unable to sell anything, we have ended up buying a property which needs a lot of work, and we won't be able to move in for a good while. I remortgaged my property to allow us to buy and I pay the mortgage out of the rent I get (I make a small profit from this per month). His houses have been costing a fortune, as the mortgages came up last year for renewal and the interest rates and service charges have meant that he pays around 3k for them every month, despite the fact they're rented out. He's self employed, and has been struggling to make ends meet due to paying the rent on his business premises and paying our mortgage on our new house on top of this. My husband has no savings and I do, so I leant him 20k to help him out. I know he hated accepting it, and is working on paying it back when he can.
I had to leave my job when we had DS, as we relocated, and I'm very lucky that I get a small salary from my father's company for the occasional bit of admin I do. As we live with my parents, we pay for all the food for the household, rather than pay rent. I offered to cover this, as my husband has been struggling so much. Generally I'm also really struggling to stretch what little money I have. I get around £1000 per month in total, and have to pay for all our household food, drink and everything my DS needs, from nappies to clothes, activities and toys etc. not to mention the occasional expense of a birthday or having a haircut. I never buy anything for myself or do anything extravagant. I have no money left at the end of the month, and I am becoming sick of having to be so frugal and stressing about it all the time. We do not have a joint account, so I feel that day to day for me and DS, it's all on me. I know my husband pays for our new mortgage and our car (we share it), but I feel generally let down and sad that we're in this position. Is this unreasonable?
My own dad is a fantastic provider and I've never felt financially insecure until now, but my husband, although a generous person, simply seems to have so many outgoings that he's drowning, and it makes me feel very insecure. I intend to go back to work in a new job when DS starts nursery next year, but at the moment, I don't see the point, as my income would only end up paying for childcare. I am not the sort of person who expects to have everything paid for, but I resent my husband for putting us in this situation, despite the fact it's not his fault, and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. Most women who are looking after a child full-time get at least some sort of housekeeping money from their husband's to help. Am I a terrible person for feeling resentful?

Problem is OP, if your BTL investment is losing you money… it’s not an investment, it’s a liability.

The only solution is to sell up. You are not in a situation whereby you are able to have a ‘property portfolio’, particularly when you have little equity in the properties and nowhere to live yourself.

I thought as much OP. Sounds like he's not suited to self-employment or BTL if he can't get his shit together.

He needs to stop sponging off his wife, get a job and start adulting properly.

@Winter2020 thank you. We did offer to sell at reduced rate to tenants, but they were not in position to buy.
They are fully aware of rental terms and possibly of a break. We need to sell these houses. We did have to pay the increased stamp on additional property, but hope to get back when we sell.

I'd be concerned he doesn't want to burden you with his finances. That would make me worried he has bigger problems than he's letting on that he's trying to manage himself, and sounds like badly hence all the stress.

Even if you don't put all your money into the same pot you should sit and write down all your incomings and outgoings each, so you both understand the full picture. Only then can you make an educated decision on what's reasonable and what course of action needs to be taken.

(If his rental properties are loosing 3k each a month, selling them a my a significant loss would still be selling them for something and you'd have £6k more a month?)

@daysfilledwithdappledlight thank you for your thoughts. Yes, that's a good suggestion. How properties cost 3k a month total, not each.

My advice to you would be to set all this in front of a good accountant and ask their advice. They might suggest that you put all the rental properties into the name of a Ltd Company for instance.

You have 3 properties, why did you buy another to live in?

why not move into one of the houses he owns already?

seems mad to me that you have 3 properties you could be living in, saving yourselves a lot of hassle and money renting one out, especially if the rentals aren’t breaking even financially.

move into one of his houses, use the rent from your flat/the other house to do up the most recent, then sell.

it’s hard to sell rented properties as well. You’d probably have more luck if you were living there.

This.
Do you have sight of his self-employed / business accounts and his bank accounts? Do you honestly know his full situation?

If he can't pay a speeding ticket on time, he is not suited to run a business.
He needs to come clean with you, pack in the self-employment and go and get a proper job.

You.need to sit down, with bank accounts. For the last year and look at income and expenditure, including the mortgages and valuations on the properties. Do not give your hubby any more money to bail out his business .... the business needs to fold if it's not standing on its own feet. He also needs to start paying half for all the household costs.

He must have a decent income to be accepted for a third mortgage?! So many people struggle to get one!

You are in a situation that selling your DH houses even without any equity left makes more sense. Is that possible?

You have to stop thinking of property as an investment. It is a home and you would presumably have lived in your flat, so saved paying rent elsewhere. You will also have benefitted from a drop in house prices when buying the fourth property, as it would have been a higher price in a stronger market. Stop thinking about trying to reclaim what you paid and sell at market rate.

a bit of an aside, but interest rates have not gone “through the roof”, they’ve gone back to normal levels after being unusually low for a long time.

people who thought/assumed they would stay unusually low are now finding them in trouble.

You lost me when you disclosed your assets.

And you are moaning about money??

@Billydavey agreeing with you regarding interest rates, rates were very low for far too long as unpalatable as that is.

People are hyper focussing on your seperate assets my DH and I have seperate accounts and no joint money. It’s sometimes the best way forward when there are larger sums involved and if decisions have to be made quickly. Your issue is a complete lack of transparency and poor decision making. It cannot be totally blamed on interest rises.

He needs to understand his potential property empire hasn’t worked out. Are the properties in negative equity? he needs to sell at less than he wants.

I didn’t go down the BTL avenue though it was encouraged by a FA once. What year did he buy these properties?

I don't think it helps to kick OP - a new mother - when she's down. This is not AIBU, it's money matters and if you don't have anything constructive to add then really, why are you on the thread? Unless you are so unhappy that you have to take pleasure in making others miserable as well.

Practical steps OP:

Sit down with your husband and lay everything out in black and white - all monthly incoming and outgoings from businesses, jobs and investments; savings etc.

What costs can you reduce and what income can you increase? Do you have repayment or interest only mortgages? Have you re-broked your insurances etc. recently? Are you getting the best value on any contracts? Time for some tough decisions

What else is likely to change in the next 1-2 years? Any significant maintenance issues looming?

If you have significant monthly shortfalls, is this going to continue indefinitely? If so, do you need to dispose of any assets?

I agree with you that "just sell the property/ies" is not easy. They might not sell, you still have to cover the mortgage during voids, which could be six months or more. Can you afford this?

If your situation is looking dire there are "we buy any property" companies out there - be prepared to take a hit. Don't forget to take into account fees and CGT.

Do you have an accountant to help manage your tax returns the in most efficient way? In my experience, skimping on professional advice can be a false economy.

Good luck!

So he's a man of around 40, who's in such a pickle with long term mortgages that he can't afford to sell the houses for what they would raise in a not particularly terrible market even if a little down, and make a profit?

He's terrible with money and yes, YANBU to be angry that you are shouldering full financial responsibility for the child but, based on this dismal evidence, get used to it!

Do you want more support from someone this clueless?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but you need a plan for yourself as he can't support his child and is in a mess.

Oh stop. You sound very smug indeed.
They have risen 10 fold in 2 years which is unprecedented in the past 30 years. Someone who has been paying 0.3 for the past 10 years and then gets whammed with 6% and a £900 per month rise overnight due to their deal ending, is going to feel like it’s gone through the roof. No it’s not unexpected but it’s still really challenging for many people. Ours went up £600 overnight. So yes, it feels very difficult.

You own 4 properties and only one of you works. It’s ridiculous to “lend” him money while he pays for the bulk of everything. It can’t be shared when it’s his money and your money when it’s yours.

@GinForBreakfast sincere thanks for your insight and compassion... I guess there is always more to every story on here. I struggled with post natal depression for best part of the first year of DS life and we both found parenthood much more challenging than expected initially. I didn't mention this, as I thought it beside the point.
All your thoughts are very constructive and helpful and much appreciated. We have definitely taken our eye off the ball with many matters and not communicated well. Extreme sleep deprivation has also had an impact on myself and DH.
I have told him I'm having a meeting with him in the office next week to sit down and discuss money matters to get this mess sorted. We are going to get one of his houses back on the market and sell at any cost. We previously went to home buying company but they offered an amount so low it meant we would come out with nothing. We agree that we need to have these houses gone now though.
My husband definitely struggled with working effectively and lack of sleep with new baby, so we have been paying the price of the impact of that. We have a good accountant and we are getting a new business up and running, so hopefully things will improve financially and we can sell off the houses.
We definitely need to work together more as a team and I am going to ask that we look at our accounts, income, outgoings etc and being completely transparent.

I should also mention, DH has been successful in the past. He's been a millionaire twice. He built the houses himself and the project unfortunately turned into a nightmare that meant he lost a lot of money. He practically had a nervous breakdown over it and finds it difficult to deal with the properties in general. I have offered to manage them but I am going to insist that I deal with them now, so that the problem is tackled head on. I forget a lot of the details now regarding the houses but essentially he hasn't always made bad decisions or been broke.

@Completelyjo thanks. I have told him when he has the money to put it towards work on new house. It's not going back into my account.

Being a millionaire and losing it twice is proof that he is NOT good with money. Why didn't he get proper financial advice the first time? Now I think you're more than right to keep your assets separate - don't sell your flat, don't give him access to your money.

My family at times have been self employed too, and I know it can be very win or lose but he's clearly not kept enough in reserve and risked far too much, that needs to not happen again.

It seems a good plan to me for you to get more involved and deal with sorting the properties - the early child years were not a high point for anything - money, communications, mental health, so good time to reset and make better plans - good luck! On a smaller scale I can virtually trace the credit card debt bump of each child that took a few years to recover from.

@52crumblesofautumn thank you. This has made me feel less alone. I realise I have been very much consumed by having DS and he has definitely shaken up everything in our world. You are absolutely right that DH has risked far too much and I'm going to see that it doesn't happen again.