What is fair financially in my situation as a SAHM?

[Dibdabdeb]

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate any opinions on this, as I feel myself and my DH have a slightly complex financial situation, and I have found myself feeling resentful recently, but I'm not sure if this is reasonable or not.
We have been married a few years now and very happy generally. Our DS was born last year and DH is a really good dad, but he's been struggling financially for quite some time now and I am starting to feel fed up with it. I'm of the opinion that we stick together through thick and thin, but I'm feeling resentful.
Between us we have assets. I have a flat and he has two houses. His houses have always given him problems, and I did say we should sell them, but he didn't.
When DS was born, we left my flat we were living in and moved in with my parents. This was a short-term plan. We assumed we would sell all our properties and buy a family home, but as we were unable to sell anything, we have ended up buying a property which needs a lot of work, and we won't be able to move in for a good while. I remortgaged my property to allow us to buy and I pay the mortgage out of the rent I get (I make a small profit from this per month). His houses have been costing a fortune, as the mortgages came up last year for renewal and the interest rates and service charges have meant that he pays around 3k for them every month, despite the fact they're rented out. He's self employed, and has been struggling to make ends meet due to paying the rent on his business premises and paying our mortgage on our new house on top of this. My husband has no savings and I do, so I leant him 20k to help him out. I know he hated accepting it, and is working on paying it back when he can.
I had to leave my job when we had DS, as we relocated, and I'm very lucky that I get a small salary from my father's company for the occasional bit of admin I do. As we live with my parents, we pay for all the food for the household, rather than pay rent. I offered to cover this, as my husband has been struggling so much. Generally I'm also really struggling to stretch what little money I have. I get around £1000 per month in total, and have to pay for all our household food, drink and everything my DS needs, from nappies to clothes, activities and toys etc. not to mention the occasional expense of a birthday or having a haircut. I never buy anything for myself or do anything extravagant. I have no money left at the end of the month, and I am becoming sick of having to be so frugal and stressing about it all the time. We do not have a joint account, so I feel that day to day for me and DS, it's all on me. I know my husband pays for our new mortgage and our car (we share it), but I feel generally let down and sad that we're in this position. Is this unreasonable?
My own dad is a fantastic provider and I've never felt financially insecure until now, but my husband, although a generous person, simply seems to have so many outgoings that he's drowning, and it makes me feel very insecure. I intend to go back to work in a new job when DS starts nursery next year, but at the moment, I don't see the point, as my income would only end up paying for childcare. I am not the sort of person who expects to have everything paid for, but I resent my husband for putting us in this situation, despite the fact it's not his fault, and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. Most women who are looking after a child full-time get at least some sort of housekeeping money from their husband's to help. Am I a terrible person for feeling resentful?

The pressure the poor guy must be feeling though?

I mean the op is upset because she is resentful whilst he is working his backside off trying to secure their future.

Op I think you need to give your man some words off appreciation tonight if anything

I get around £1000 per month in total, and have to pay for all our household food, drink and everything my DS needs, from nappies to clothes, activities and toys etc
A thousand pounds a month for shopping basically? Not bad!

I think you are being unfair. You’ve both made poor financial decisions, not just your husband. You’ll just have to keep trying to sell your properties. How are you affording the renovations? I think you’ll be better off going back to work sooner and trying to build up to get a promotion. At your age you really need to starting thinking about the future and increasing your wage. Children are expensive and will get more costly. University is ridiculously expensive these days!!

@Westofeasttoday thanks for your thoughts

If that’s the case then something definitely needs to change whether it’s his or your work or selling a property because it doesn’t look like you can afford to live in the house if you’re both spent up each month and that’s before any bills have been paid. I would try not to resent him because he is also contributing

You can sell while tenanted though? Either to another buy to let or you gice
notife to tenants and then complete when they’ve left

And at the moment you’re making a loss of £36k per year!

If any of your tenants have a suitable income and good credit you could consider selling to them with a discount from the market rate as their deposit (as you haven't been able to sell at market rate anyway).

Here is some information on the type of mortgage this would require.
https://www.nationwide-intermediary.co.uk/lending-criteria/purchase-types#:~:text=Concessionary%20Purchase%2FGenuine%20Bargain%20Price%20is%20where%20the%20property,such%20as%20Right%20to%20Buy%20or%20Shared%20Ownership.

I feel sorry for your tenants in all of this with you re-letting your house recently and intending to give them notice in the new year. If they didn't know how short term your letting plans were then that is a poor way to treat people.

Would selling even one of the properties improve your financial situation much?
Would it help to sell the one with the most equity? Or the one with the biggest mortgage?

Did you have to pay a 3% stamp duty supplement because you were buying an additional property? Will you be able to get this back if you sell your previous homes within 3 years?

Lost a salary though.

I’m struggling to understand this as surely you put down a chunk of deposit when you bought the buy to lets. How come the rent is not covering the mortgages? Moreover as the rents came in did you not apply any surplus against the loan or remortgage. Usually you need at least a 25/30 % deposit for buy to let plus rents have risen hugely in the last 3 years due to interest rises.

So lots of questions.

Why aren't you living in any of the many homes you own? You had them empty to try to sell, when they didn't sell, why didn't you move in? He hash is own business, you don't work, you could have picked any of FOUR homes to live in and then continued to try and sell

I’m struggling with understanding how you have got yourselves in such a mess . Being fair to your husband you must stop blaming him - you are both responsible - you have both bought house number four that you simply can’t afford - yet !

Are all the mortgages interest only and are you able to extend any mortgage terms ?

I’d expect you to have significant equity in buy to lets - were they bought with that in mind or has it just evolved ? I can see you might just be breaking even but can’t see how your husband is losing £3k a month

Another that’s asking why you’re talking as if you’re two separate entities financially- ye are supposed to be a team and one shouldn’t see the other as letting them down, you said you think of your dad as being a great provider etc, first it sounds like your family is extremely wealthy and you expect that to be your path too-I honestly think you need to change your mindset- nobody needs to think their partner in life is thinking like that-ye need to have each others back and just figure out how to make it work or accept that money isn’t everything

Is your husband's business profitable? Of not he needs to get a job.

Why are his finances a mess? Is it only that the rent on the houses are not covering the mortgages or is he disorganised to the point it's costing you both money?

Ok. It’s just that you said you ‘subbed’ him money. Which is odd to me.
You put all your money houses and assets together in one big family pot. You work it out together from there. Your post is full of mine and his. Nowhere does it says OURS.
Why didn’t you move into one of the houses you couldn’t sell out of interest? Just in the time being whilst you tried to sell the other? Why buy a whole new house when the other houses were costing money (or soon to be costing money)
You say you are resentful of your husband for making bad decisions. Do you not decide these things together? Why is it all his fault?

Op - is there a chance your dh won’t pool his finances because he’s terrified of sharing a mountain of debt that he’s hidden from you?

@Dibdabdeb get rid of all the tenants via section 21 or whatever it is called in england, then put them on the market as they are emptied. as long as the mortgage is covered in the sale then it is better all round. did he pay over the odds for them in the first place??

OK I read it and your updates. So you are blessed to have a beautiful healthy child and a DH who clearly is trying his best. Nothing else matters. It is not his fault the market turned on him etc, 15 years ago if you had done the same you would be laughing all the way home financially.
So I think you should stop worrying and count your blessings. It is annoying this has happened, but nothing more than that.

Lots of over-leveraged landlords are finding themselves in this situation.

Smallest deposit possible, rent covers the mortgage and not much else, the sums just about worked with rock-bottom interest rates. Now they have returned to more historic norms the model doesn’t work.

I’ve seen countless stories of landlords finding themselves in a similar situation in recent months.

So you can't sell them and struggling to pay mortgages so the solution is to buy another house rather than living in one of the ones you already have...?

Why?

OP posters do share details of their houses they are struggling to sell on here for help on improving them - would that help ?

I'd sell the house that needs doing up.

I'd move back in to one of the other properties and put it up for sale.

When it sells, I'd move in to the second property and put it up for sale.

Then when it sells I'd move in to the final property and put it up for sale.

Then I'd buy somewhere outright.

I wouldn't like it if my husband's finances were a mess and he wasn't telling me exactly what was going on. He could be millions in debt for all you know. How can you plan without full knowledge.

I am a sahm and get an "allowance" from DH. It's not much more than you though.

One property is a top floor 1 bed flat in London. Not that practical with a baby and not enough space. 🙏🏼 S property at least makes some profit on rent. Other 2 houses are almost 3 hours away. My husband needs to meet with clients regularly, so we can't move there.
These houses were his before we met and have brought him a lot of stress over the years with drainage issues. I have told him over and over to sell them, and he hasn't. It was therefore not my decision to keep them. I can't force him to sell them. They are the main problem. I should also stress that we are paying for everything, it's just that we are struggling. Once we sell something it won't be such an issue. Lots of people are in this situation, since the buy to let market has been killed by tax changes, interest rates have gone through the roof and the property market, particularly in certain areas is dead.

@LunaCoyote no. I'm not worried about that.

@GinForBreakfast good question... It's a bit of both. Rents don't cover mortgages anymore and increased service charges due to drainage problems at properties.
He's also disorganised though, and this has also cost money. Eg. Late tax payments, speeding tickets which he forgets to settle etc.