Husband lying about finances

[Vinyasa474]

I just need some rational advice because I am so angry I cannot think straight. Some years ago we had around 90K in savings (mostly his from before we got together and around 15K in mine). During COVID we had a baby and dipped into it to buy some essentials like a cot, pram, car seat etc that our salaries wouldn't cover (combined was around 85K at this time but paying rent and bills in London). This money was kept for a deposit, but after one purchase fell through and I started maternity leave, we put this on the back burner. I was also in academia at the time so my salary was less than my clinical salary. We have continued to rent as our combined salary won't get as much in London (we both work in London, and due to nights/on calls, I am hesitant to live too far out). We also have two children in nursery whose fees cost a lot, but I do not want to give up my career. Over the years, I have been asking him intermittently how much was left and he would give me random values, usually between 70 - 80 K but also said he was putting money aside. Last night I finally asked to see the figures and the savings are now at 50K. He has been running out of money every month and going into his overdraft (I asked him to cancel this years ago, and he said he had) and then using money from the savings to bring his current account back into credit. I have looked through the figures, and there are some large payments for things like flights to go home (my family live on another continent), nursery payment arrears during maternity leave, and random purchases (all legit), so no gambling/prostitution/addiction, etc. I am very angry. Money is very important to me because my father did not know how to manage it and got into a lot of debt that my sibling and I had to pay back because he couldn't afford to. The money was spent on necessary things, like our education, but also on unnecessary things. He is now penniless.

I have lost all respect for him and can't see myself returning from this. He is an excellent and involved father and a very good husband but has no concept of money. The idea that this is yet another thing I would need to take on, makes me so angry. Financially it doesn't make sense to separate as we would have even less money if we had to pay two rents in London and we do not have family we could live with.

I don't know what my question is, just needed to get it out anonymously.

I am like you, in that I like to have the cushion of savings. But you're being so unfair here. Your husband has been spending on practical things for the family, not frittering money on junk. You should have a conversation about finances because you obviously are spending more than what's coming in atm.
It's really not fair to put all the burden of saving on your husband. You should be as involved and aware as he is about your finances as a family. It's a heavy burden for him, and yes, he should have told you that he was struggling- but I wouldn't go mad at this.

Thank you. I am also saving, but I have my own savings account with my bank. He is on more than me, around 100K - I am on 60K, but from that, I pay two sets of nursery fees and the council tax, he pays the full rent and electricity (from the main bills/outgoings). I continued to try and save during my maternity leave and continued to pay for my older child's nursery fees as well, so it is not like he does everything. I am angry because he lied—multiple times. I asked and asked, and he lied to my face. We have a similar burden financially.

He should have been more honest but really he’s been doing this to support the family
why haven’t you been keeping an eye on things?
my DH and I talk every month about this sort of stuff
why are you reacting so strongly? He’s not your dad
you still have a HUGE savings cushion
why is your reaction to go nuclear

The flights to see your family
the nursery arrears
joint purchases and decisions presumably? And costly

The flights home are once a year and yes they were a joint decision. The nursery arrears were a mistake on the part of the nursery who miscalculated for months and then sent us a bill to pay it "asap". This is helpful so thank you. Our response to situations is usually a result of our past, and my past is filled with money worries. He did not have this. His parents were comfortable, and money was around, albeit not in abundance but his grandparents were wealthy so I don't think he fully understands

What did you think was funding these large purchases? Why didn’t you both keep an eye on the figures?

You need to look at the finances together, at the moment you can’t afford everything you’d like, rent in London, two lots of nursery fees, flights home. Have a look at the rest of your spending and what you can cut. Then what is the most important, there needs to be a compromise somewhere.

I should have been but I have been pregnant or postpartum for the last 4 years and when I wasn't on maternity leave (5 months the first time and 8 months the second time), I was working 4 days a week + on calls, so I didn't think to take on even more than what I was already doing. I stupidly and wrongly assumed he could manage it because he assured me he could.

You say he "has no concept of money"

But yet you also say he built up 90k of savings from before you met, and he has now been spending them on you and your family

He hasn't lied to you. He hasn't wasted the money. He probably didn't realise what you thought about money in general and those savings in particular, especially given that they were his to start with.

This feels like more a lack of communication about money between you both than him having a problem with money.

Your income is good your savings in the joint account are good then you both have your own savings. You don't want the burden of the finances so you've left it to him....although you don't have money worries so don't get the burden bit.....there must be other relationship issues surely

As you have pointed out, there is rationale and justification for the purchases, the issue is your husband not being more transparent about the savings.

I completely get you not wanting to take on the load of savings yourself, you were/are in the trenches with your children’s ages and cannot carry the full burden.

If this was me, I would let myself be annoyed for a bit and then have a conversation with my partner about the reasons they weren’t more open about it. I suspect either they were completely oblivious to the impact this would have on you or there was good intent there e.g not wanting you to worry / avoid you having to take on more than you already had..

next thing is to decide where to go from there. Perhaps set a monthly/quarterly time in the diary to discuss finances so you get the opportunity to check in and make sure your family finances are in good health.

Exactly. He’s been dipping into this money - his personal savings if I understand correctly, or is it a joint savings account? to pay for essentials. He hasn’t been mismanaging his money at all. Basically the two of you currently have outgoings that outweigh your earnings, and have had to make up the shortfall from savings.
If it is in your joint names why haven’t you been checking the balance yourself?
I’m not sure he lied either. It’s plausible that it was 70-80k a few years ago and is now 50k if he’s dipped into it regularly.

You still have a large buffer so you’re not exactly in dire straits.

The two of you should work out together how to manage your finances better to avoid spending more than you earn. But you’re being really unfair blaming and accusing him.

Thank you. I posted for opinions, and these have all been very helpful.

Spend one evening working out your monthly take home and monthly bills. Set up a joint account for the bills plus an amount for holidays, annual and unexpected bills and clothes and odds and ends and savings. What is left over you split between you equally.

Sit down as adults and work out your income and expenditure. Be realistic about how much you need to spend. Agree how much to set aside for flights etc if this will be a regular occurrence. Agree how much to save for specifics. You really need to agree about money because not doing so causes huge stress. If you have different approaches it really causes misery.

So you are upset that he has spent the money of which you only contributed 16.6% of, that he has been spending on house hold items and to fly away to YOUR family.

You need to get a grip, lost respect for him because he is spending money on the family.

If you are that bothered take your 15k back and have separate savings.

My question would be where are both your savings ?
Are they in the highest paying interest accounts and or tax free savings accounts ?

Depending on your ages
Do you both have savings in
LISAs - tax free
ISAs - tax free

I also do not understand why you do not discuss finances together twice a month as a minimum

Secondly, instead of you flying to another country, can you invite the people over to your home instead ?

Just another perspective. I get all of the above response but he is on 100k a year. He's paying for the rent (which is a big outgoing,) but if you are covering the nursery which is also a large outgoing on 60k where is the rest of his money going?

I don't understand why he would needed to have dipped into the savings so much on that salary, or not been able to top the savings up on the month's where there is not a large expenses. If he has been topping his account up because he's been spending on dinners out, or family days out or lots of coffees etc, you need to set a budget.

Large expenses need to be discussed between you, so you both know where the money is coming from. I think you need to sit down together and work out exactly what is being spent regularly by each of you every month (one off expenses aside)

The average person in UK has less than £200 savings per person

That's not true, it's approx £17k
A third of adults have less than £1k

www.money.co.uk/savings-accounts/savings-statistics

OP - you need to make sure your savings are in the best place
Explain you are upset by the lying, not what it's been spent on
Agree to talk about money together a lot more often - including plans for now and future

Only you can decide what is a proportionate reaction and where your red lines lie (and you're telling us that a very important red line for you has been crossed). But with your combined incomes and savings being at £20k less than you thought you were is hardly a crisis, especially when it's all been spent on things that sound pretty much unavoidable.

You are being completely unfair and selfish. The money went things on family related things and you! It’s mostly his money anyway. You’ve got nothing to be angry about.

You're being very overdramatic and unkind.

It's most his money, and it's been spent on flights to your family, and important family outgoings. He's hardly frittered it away down the boozer.

You clearly have issues around money from your past. Don't let them rule your future and certainly don't punish your husband with them.

To be clear because multiple people keep posting about it - I have paid for my own tickets always (even on mat leave). He paid for his. He did not need to join us but enjoys travelling to my home country. My parents do visit but they cannot stay with us anymore as we live in a small two bedroom flat. Their local currency is weak and does not convert to much against the pound whereas when we visit them we don’t need to pay for accommodation or food etc. We only recently started buying a seat for our older child and we split that cost. The amount of money in the savings is not the issue - it is the repeated lying about money.