Husband lying about finances

[Vinyasa474]

I just need some rational advice because I am so angry I cannot think straight. Some years ago we had around 90K in savings (mostly his from before we got together and around 15K in mine). During COVID we had a baby and dipped into it to buy some essentials like a cot, pram, car seat etc that our salaries wouldn't cover (combined was around 85K at this time but paying rent and bills in London). This money was kept for a deposit, but after one purchase fell through and I started maternity leave, we put this on the back burner. I was also in academia at the time so my salary was less than my clinical salary. We have continued to rent as our combined salary won't get as much in London (we both work in London, and due to nights/on calls, I am hesitant to live too far out). We also have two children in nursery whose fees cost a lot, but I do not want to give up my career. Over the years, I have been asking him intermittently how much was left and he would give me random values, usually between 70 - 80 K but also said he was putting money aside. Last night I finally asked to see the figures and the savings are now at 50K. He has been running out of money every month and going into his overdraft (I asked him to cancel this years ago, and he said he had) and then using money from the savings to bring his current account back into credit. I have looked through the figures, and there are some large payments for things like flights to go home (my family live on another continent), nursery payment arrears during maternity leave, and random purchases (all legit), so no gambling/prostitution/addiction, etc. I am very angry. Money is very important to me because my father did not know how to manage it and got into a lot of debt that my sibling and I had to pay back because he couldn't afford to. The money was spent on necessary things, like our education, but also on unnecessary things. He is now penniless.

I have lost all respect for him and can't see myself returning from this. He is an excellent and involved father and a very good husband but has no concept of money. The idea that this is yet another thing I would need to take on, makes me so angry. Financially it doesn't make sense to separate as we would have even less money if we had to pay two rents in London and we do not have family we could live with.

I don't know what my question is, just needed to get it out anonymously.

Sounds like you are both living beyond your means but by blaming your husband, for using his part of the savings, he is doing what he can

Try a monies in /monies out exercise and see where you both can cut back.

I think I was somewhat with you up until you described £50k remaining in savings as being 'penniless'.

This is my opinion exactly.

I don't think he lied to OP either.

OP, you are being totally unreasonable. Did you think that the bills were being paid out of thin air. Why should your DH not have used savings that had mostly been put by from his salary (yes, they were, he does understand money, it seems you are the one who doesn't). He wasn't gambling or otherwise pissing it up the wall. He was using it to keep the family going at a very expensive time. Savings, if you are lucky enough to be able to build any, are for just this purpose - to get you through the tougher times. So he has done nothing wrong bar possibly being scared of your overreaction and you are being a diva.

You'll be back at work soon enough and you will both be on very good salaries. The savings pot can be rebuilt.

When I read your title and rational, I was expecting to find out that your husband had gambled 90k or had paid for a mistress or had a few kids he had to look after or perhaps he had bought a yacht or maybe he was galavanting with his mates and leaving you home with the kids... I think we would all have been with you on your fury had any of these been the case...

But no... He's being a good husband.
He is a good father.
He's just dipped into his savings to keep things afloat... London is mad expensive and on 100k, taxes are high and costs have just gone up anyway.

You left him in charge but don't like how he is doing it... so decide: do you leave him in charge or do you take over everything and control it all. A conversation is needed! Not blasting him online.

(Additionally, by the sounds of it, your father is Penniless because he paid for your (and your siblings) education... It's a bit audacious to say that you fear money issues because he has no money after doing that... And if he paid for your education and then spend his money on stuff he wanted - what's that to do with you?)

As respectfully as possible: are you ok?

You would give up a good man, father to your kids, because you choose to go nuclear over him "lying" to you about money he was spending correctly and sensibly? Seriously.

The amount of women on here wishing they had an involved partner let alone a partner with enough sense to have savings etc. And you here complaining about your partner who in one sentence you say you lost respect for and the next you telling us he's a great guy?

Humm....

So unless there is a heck of a lot more to this story you are most definitely being unreasonable and need to apologise to your husband and talk to him about what you want/need/expect and have monthly meetings to keep on top together, and thank your lucky stars at having a man that is willing to manage things and care for you and the kids, work and stay in London despite costs having gone up so much.

As a man I implore you to have a humble word with each other and come together on this . You have the set up for a stable/prosperous family while living in UK... Don't blow it because of past trauma or emotional responses that help no one.

Good luck...

Maybe he tried to underplay it because he didnt want you to worry and to concentrate on your education instead. You said these were #legit things that you needed so i dont understand your issue with him and seriously if he managed to save all that money id hardly say hes ot good with it. Most people have not got a pot to P in after rhe lockdowns, never mind 2 young children and a parent in education.

We have savings, multiple accounts and I even own a business, but whenever my husband asks me how much is in a particular account, I hand on heart honestly have no idea 90% of the time. It's not that I'm bad at managing money. When I'm going through my accounts and organising the next few months finance-wise, I'll know the figures IN THAT MOMENT, of course, and I'll make plans and assign expenditures (whether professional or personal) accordingly, but once I've completed those tasks, the only information my brain retains is "the situation is fine, there is enough money to buy the things we are planning to buy." Because my brain wants to focus on things more interesting than numbers and money. Maybe your husband is like me! He's perhaps less stressed about exact figures than you are, and was maybe guessing because 70K was the last figure he consciously remembers seeing.

This post is so unfair, I dont know why you are so angry, if it was because he hasn't told you fair enough, but it seems its because you think he should have been able to pay for things without dipping into the savings. He's not a magician. You say you have lost respect for him and aren't sure if you can come back from it, which just sounds massively sexist.

It sounds like you buried your head in the sand and were happy to let him manage finances but now are angry hes kept the situation from you.
I'm sorry but being pregnant/post partum or working are not excuses not to know what is going on with family finances and leaving the responsibility and stress of it on 1 person - you could spend an hour a month together to review what's in accounts, what has been spent and any upcoming bills, purchases. That way things dont spiral out of control.

Perhaps part of the problem has been that, when planning expenditure, neither of you can see the whole picture. Because you have kept your finances separate, you haven't been able to see when typical monthly family expenditures are frequently taking you into the red ie he has needed to dip into savings. Why not try pooling all your finances instead of saying you pay for this and I'll pay for that? It's easy then to both keep a casual eye on the joint current account going down each month via a banking app, in order to know when you need to pull back on spending. Apart from an occasional planning discussion, this needn't be a big admin task for someone to manage. It sounds as if you also need to explain how the lack of transparency left you feeling, perhaps when you've calmed down.

If you can see where the money has been spent I don't think he has mishandled the money. Would you rather he'd say you couldn't afford to go home to see family every year? Once your DC are both past the nursery years you can rebuild your savings. Try to plan and handle money together. You still have a £50k buffer.

I think this is a communication problem, he has genuinely spent money on things you need or more so should be spending on, nothing flashy for himself.

Finances should be open but since he hasn't spent on anything ridiculous perhaps he thought you trusted he knew that he had to pay for these things. It will be a big blow to you that it has gone down that much but it looks like it would have gone down whether you knew about it or not, unless you moved to a cheaper area away from work.

If I was in your position I would be upset and shocked, but if I had looked at statements and seen that I think my outlook would be my gosh we are living over our means, and secondly we need to change how we communicate. You haven't asked and he hasn't told. When was it that he said you had X amount left? Was it true at the time?

Lying isn't ok of course. It is fixable I wouldn't sack him off

Apologies - I hadn’t logged back in for a few days. Just to clear up a few more things -y husband did not pay my fees. I am a doctor so my PhD was funded through a research grant I was awarded which paid my bench fees and my base clinical salary (at my current training grade). This meant I was able to continue paying rent initially and then nursery fees etc. I would never have given up my job and expected him to fund my lifestyle. We have had a long discussion about it and I am now going to manage the finances. People keep pointing out that the majority of the savings was his and he can do with it as he wishes - this is true but when we got married he kept saying it became our joint pot of money which is why I added to it as well. Albeit not as much as I had no extras from inheritance etc that he had. Thank you all for your helpful comments (bar one from a poster who sounded intoxicated).

Why did you not both know that you were spending more than you had? How did this slip under your radar? Presumably you both know how much you have coming in and you both know how much things cost. Like the nursery arreas, did you not know you had them too? And where did you think the money was coming from? Xxx

Hmmm you are out of line. I'm on his side. Wait until your kid grows or needs to be on private education for something or a house thing. Your money will be goooooneeeee. It was mainly his money and was used on totally acceptable things. Check your priorities.

Also. If you are thinking of buying a house be mindful that even 80K won't take you anywhere in London. I lived there 12 years , bought a flat and used to pay nursery fees at 95 pounds a day 10, years ago. We moved out of London specifically because it's impossible to even buy a house at 1M there. Move out. Regarding your Husband, he's nice. Build the money again and don't put your frustrations of your dad on him. Not fair.

I think you need to be clearer on whether money is joint or separate and act accordingly. Either this was primarily his savings in which case it's his business, or your money is joint, in which case you need to start acting like it. I'm confused as to why, for example, he's buying travel tickets form his account and you from yours, but you're also angry because he has spent money from his account.

Things have obviously got confused and you're clearly spending too much, so it sounds like it's time for an overhaul. Decide whether you want to treat your various savings pots as joint money or not- if so, you both need have oversight. Open a joint savings account and make sure you both have access. Use a spreadsheet or similar to record everything. Alternatively if you prefer separate finances, have them but take more care about it- you shouldn't be quizzing him about spending and he shouldn't be spending more than he can afford on what are actually family expenses.

Meanwhile, use something like MSE Budget Brain to work out where your money is actually going and make sure the split is fair (or have a proper joint account).

Honestly it sounds like you've both screwed up here but you're blaming him because this is all triggering old feelings for you.

He's still not deserving of your attitude in your OP. You're as much to 'blame' as him for not knowing what's going on financially.

This, OP. You're being unreasonable and OTT.

I think you liked not having to think about money and he wanted to protect you from worrying about it.

Neither are particularly healthy or helpful attitudes and as others have said better you both oversee finances so there's no nasty shocks.

Respect his choices as he respected yours..

If it's a joint pot of money, keep it in a joint account in future.