Husband lying about finances

[Vinyasa474]

I just need some rational advice because I am so angry I cannot think straight. Some years ago we had around 90K in savings (mostly his from before we got together and around 15K in mine). During COVID we had a baby and dipped into it to buy some essentials like a cot, pram, car seat etc that our salaries wouldn't cover (combined was around 85K at this time but paying rent and bills in London). This money was kept for a deposit, but after one purchase fell through and I started maternity leave, we put this on the back burner. I was also in academia at the time so my salary was less than my clinical salary. We have continued to rent as our combined salary won't get as much in London (we both work in London, and due to nights/on calls, I am hesitant to live too far out). We also have two children in nursery whose fees cost a lot, but I do not want to give up my career. Over the years, I have been asking him intermittently how much was left and he would give me random values, usually between 70 - 80 K but also said he was putting money aside. Last night I finally asked to see the figures and the savings are now at 50K. He has been running out of money every month and going into his overdraft (I asked him to cancel this years ago, and he said he had) and then using money from the savings to bring his current account back into credit. I have looked through the figures, and there are some large payments for things like flights to go home (my family live on another continent), nursery payment arrears during maternity leave, and random purchases (all legit), so no gambling/prostitution/addiction, etc. I am very angry. Money is very important to me because my father did not know how to manage it and got into a lot of debt that my sibling and I had to pay back because he couldn't afford to. The money was spent on necessary things, like our education, but also on unnecessary things. He is now penniless.

I have lost all respect for him and can't see myself returning from this. He is an excellent and involved father and a very good husband but has no concept of money. The idea that this is yet another thing I would need to take on, makes me so angry. Financially it doesn't make sense to separate as we would have even less money if we had to pay two rents in London and we do not have family we could live with.

I don't know what my question is, just needed to get it out anonymously.

It's not about the money though is it - it's that he lied to you and knowingly kept you in the dark.

The way you’re managing your finances doesn’t work for you as a couple
they way you’re posting makes me think he was worried about telling you the situation because of your over reaction
you need a very open conversation about this as it’s not working
nothing you’ve said indicates he’s a bad person, lying about money to cover his tracks

in my first post I think I asked why you didn’t have oversight of everything and this is where you both need to start

A bit OTT OP- these are family expenses at a very expensive time of life- he's hardly been living the high life on your cash - most of the savings were his

@rubyslippers i didn’t have oversight because between my job and being on and off nights and managing a 1 year old and a 3 year old when I’m not at work (and all of their appointments and numerous events at nursery), I don’t have time or headspace for it. I already spend my evenings doing my work admin. If it’s an equal partnership and the other person says they can handle something, I would be inclined to believe them until they mess up.

You need to get over it. You can increase savings when kids start school. Why are you angry with him when it's been spent on the family?. No more trips home.

@jackstini You are incorrect too. The link you posted says 'The mean average amount of money held in a UK savings account is £17,365' - this does NOT mean that the average adult has £17,365 of savings, just that the mean amount for people that have a savings account is £17,365. Many, many people will not have savings account at all.

When my OH was alive I dealt with all the finances as I was better at it. It made sense for us each to play to our strengths.

You both need to sit down and look at how you manage your finances going forward. You clearly see the money he brought to the marriage as family money which is fine but then perhaps you need to manage everything that way. Maybe the way you are doing things now isn't the best.

Perhaps you should both pay into a joint account proportional to your income and have all expenses paid from it rather than you paying for c and him paying for y. Likewise with savings for deposit/ children etc

Have regular sit downs together to check balances. It's contradictory to say he has mismanaged the money and has no concept of it and also say that he hasn't frittered it or gambled it and only spent it on the family which you will have seen.

It doesn't need to take very long.

Have a banking app on your phone, have all the accounts as joint, just glance at it occasionally when you're in the supermarket queue etc.

I agree it's very worrying that he lied to you about it. I suppose he felt bad at drawing down the money without telling you. When you have calmed down a bit you need a serious conversation to get through to him how much of a problem that is. If he seems to get it and you think he can understand never to do it again I suppose you might be able to move on from it.

The household finances really are something to make the time and headspace for. You were unaware that the savings were being depleted due to bills and holidays- outgoings exceeding income basically. Joint input and responsibility for the finances is needed for the future.

Apologies greenbirds - you are right
Only 25% though have less than £200, 46% have less than £1k
(Some obviously have shedloads!)

It really varies by age too
https://www.finance-monthly.com/2024/01/the-average-savings-based-on-your-age/

https://blog.moneyfarm.com/en/personal-finance/average-savings-by-age-in-the-uk-how-much-should-you-be-saving/

I think withholding information at what must have been a very stressful and exhausting time for both of you with two babies, no family support etc is not quite the same as lying.
Maybe he thought he would get things topped up before you noticed

The real crux of the matter and why you feel so upset is the plan for the future. In fact you haven't had time to really discuss how you see your future together, where you live work plans etc? You've pinned it on your deposit for a house but the issue is much bigger and more detailed than that,your frustration and exhaustion and even may I say confusion as to what your "joint" plan is.

Talk about that first and don't use the money he has "lost" as a negative but a positive...a start to really work out where you are both heading.
It isn't a reason to split up and not because there isn't money for rent x 2.

Maybe buy a cheaper house than you were intending, get a job outside London. Even stop fulltime work for a bit at this very very busy time. Pay less on rent.Think out of the box.

You sound like a very conscientious hardworking person. Sometimes that masks a kind of rage against the people who" let us down". In this case I don't think he has. It's more than you are angry with both of you for some reason you for being a mug or a fool, but you haven't been. You married someome who cares for you and his children not a liar.

Your tone to him is so angry and unforgiving as if you blame him for your "hard" choices but you already said a lot of those choices were yours, to work hard at furthering your career etc and be under a lot of pressure.
Phrases like mess up are quite corrosive.

It's wrong that he lied, but you are also being unfair. Most of that money was his for one thing, you can't control what he spends money on if you don't even want to look at the accounts yourself over a period of years. You aren't perfect and neither is he.

I think YABU and a bit harsh on your DH. He's done it for the family and either way the money would have needed to be spent.
You say you couldn't deal with the finances during your pregnancy and postpartum years so presumably this is why he hasn't been as clear cut about it with you to avoid unnecessary stress.

It's an excellent opportunity to sit down and be honest about finances and make a plan and get yourself more involved. Spend a bit of time going through statements and making some spreadsheets and it will be a couple of minutes monthly to keep up with it.
I don't think you should think differently of your DH or be fuming with him.

But aren't those averages calculated by adding all savings even millionaires then dividing it by the adults population?

Is it possible he had his head in the sand and was giving you his best guess? If so, not great, but not necessarily a deal breaker. If he was knowingly lying, that is more problematic. I would want to know why. You say money is important to you - is it possible you are being unrealistic about your expectations and he knew this? How did you know so little about what was going on with your joint money? You say he has no idea about money, so how is it he was in charge of it?

Lots of excuses for not keeping an eye on the finances

Make time, it is important to check finances regularly & communicate

Simple

I manage all the household finances, work full time and have 2 young children. And carry a significant amount of the mental load too. So I'm afraid 'not having headspace' for the household finances sounds a bit lame. It really doesn't take that much to have banking apps on your phone you check daily and a few spreadsheets set up to track income, expenditure and balances. It's a daily thing for me, paying bills, juggling accounts and tracking our money. It takes about 10 mins a day.

I get it—he outright lied to you, telling you that you had tens of thousands more in the bank for your house deposit than you actually do.

Time to align on the budget. A cash envelope system is a good system—be it using cash, as in The Budget Mom method, or virtual cash envelopes using debit cards, as in the YNAB method—once a category’s money has been spent for that month…no more spending!

Me too. 10 minutes or less every day. And maybe an hour on payday.

But if 1/3 have less than £1000 (and 2/3 have £1000+), how can the majority have less than £200?

You need the headspace - it’s too important not to as you’ve discovered
sorry but it feels like you WANT to punish your DH for this
I think you’re being incredibly harsh and missing the much bigger picture
he wasn’t shovelling cocaine up his nose; gambling
i think he was scared of your over reaction so didn’t tell you

Depends if you're just talking a few grand or all the multi millionaires. Around 5% of the population has over £1 million ......there's a lot of £1001 in a million ....every million pushes the stats up by 1000 so how many billionaires skew the statistics?

I am not wanting to be harsh but I feel you need some perspective here. He has not racked up thousands gambling, he has used his considerable savings to subsidise a lot of expensive, temporary (and presumably joint) lifestyle choices.
I manage our finances and have done through 2 sets of maternity leave and working 40 hours a week with 2 small children in nursery. DH and I have a quick review of where we are with things once month. No adult should be blind to what money is going out of their household. I ended up using about half our savings for essential costs on my first mat leave. If he ever berated me, I'd be upset! Your wages have dropped, you've taken mat leave and incurred all the costs of childcare in London and didn't think to really examine what your household was spending, that is on you as much as your husband.
You tell your DH to close his overdraft as though it's as simple as that to stop spending that much instead of having a discussion with him as to why he needed one in the first place, it comes across as you sticking your fingers in your ears.
We have had a massive cost of living crisis, you're coming through possibly the most expensive time you will ever have in your life with mat leave and nursery costs and your family have managed to weather it with savings. Your children will get their free hours and start school and you will have extra money back in your household again but you must appreciate that this time comes with sacrifices for these costs, whether that be trimming back on your lifestyle elsewhere or yes, using savings.
I don't know why your DH was not honest about the amount left. Maybe he was being actively deceitful but maybe he really wasn't aware of how much it had depleted. Maybe he stuck his head in the sand or maybe he also did not have the right headspace to deal with it. You have both dropped the ball here with regards communication, would now not be the time to draw a line under things. To say let's make a plan going forward together and work on open dialogue on your household budget? I wish you best of luck. I do not think this is an unsalvageable situation, far from it, and I say that as someone who grew up exceptionally poor and who is very debt averse. You are angry and a bit in shock now. Give time for these feelings to settle and then put aside time for you and your husband to talk together about it all.