Husband lying about finances

[Vinyasa474]

I just need some rational advice because I am so angry I cannot think straight. Some years ago we had around 90K in savings (mostly his from before we got together and around 15K in mine). During COVID we had a baby and dipped into it to buy some essentials like a cot, pram, car seat etc that our salaries wouldn't cover (combined was around 85K at this time but paying rent and bills in London). This money was kept for a deposit, but after one purchase fell through and I started maternity leave, we put this on the back burner. I was also in academia at the time so my salary was less than my clinical salary. We have continued to rent as our combined salary won't get as much in London (we both work in London, and due to nights/on calls, I am hesitant to live too far out). We also have two children in nursery whose fees cost a lot, but I do not want to give up my career. Over the years, I have been asking him intermittently how much was left and he would give me random values, usually between 70 - 80 K but also said he was putting money aside. Last night I finally asked to see the figures and the savings are now at 50K. He has been running out of money every month and going into his overdraft (I asked him to cancel this years ago, and he said he had) and then using money from the savings to bring his current account back into credit. I have looked through the figures, and there are some large payments for things like flights to go home (my family live on another continent), nursery payment arrears during maternity leave, and random purchases (all legit), so no gambling/prostitution/addiction, etc. I am very angry. Money is very important to me because my father did not know how to manage it and got into a lot of debt that my sibling and I had to pay back because he couldn't afford to. The money was spent on necessary things, like our education, but also on unnecessary things. He is now penniless.

I have lost all respect for him and can't see myself returning from this. He is an excellent and involved father and a very good husband but has no concept of money. The idea that this is yet another thing I would need to take on, makes me so angry. Financially it doesn't make sense to separate as we would have even less money if we had to pay two rents in London and we do not have family we could live with.

I don't know what my question is, just needed to get it out anonymously.

The only think I don't understand is how could you not know- do you not use a banking app?
I look at my accounts every day!

I do understand how much a billionaire skews averages.

I don’t understand how both of these can be true at the same time:

• one PP stated that the majority of UK adults (ie, over 50%) has less than £200 in savings
• one PP provided a link that 1/3 have less than £1000 in savings

Both cannot be true. No matter how many billionaires you throw into the mix.

Technically both CAN be true. What CANT be true is that 50% have under £200 and 2/3rds have more than £1000! 😉

Seriously though there are a lot of statistics bandied about and I wouldn’t worry too much about the exact number - some are per household, some per adult. And what is an “adult” anyway? Do you mean literally everyone over 18 including someone at school who turned 18 yesterday? How meaningful is it to expect them to have savings, or to average them with their parents aged 50?

The real point is that an awful lot of people have very little in savings, and certainly much less than the £50,000 of the OPs DH

You should have access to the account - both of you. The fact you had to ask him the balance shocked me a bit. Even if he is saving into there because you’re on may leave or whatever. It’s not unreasonable to insist on transparency when you have two kids!! What if he died tomorrow?? You wouldn’t be able to access your savings? This needs to be sorted out before you have kids. You have lost trust in him now.. his response will tell you all you need to know with regards to moving forwards..together or not.. Good luck x

I can understand why you are angry he lied. However 50k is left and you both preserved your jobs even when you were on maternity leave and are on 100k and 60k so things can be sorted out. Do what I do - every single morning of every year I read the balance on every bank account. I cannot understand why anyone (it is usually women) cede even one day of control to men of money - loads of women do that but never do it again. Start today and keep it up every single day.

You also might want to change how you pay for things however by not you paying 100% of nursery and he the rent but instead the proportion of your incomes to everything and from a joint household expenses account. Once you get up to 100k in salary then it can go 50/50.
I would make a priority buying somewhere to live. We had to live out here in zone 5 London and still do because of house prices further in. Commuting is awful particularly for those working terrible hours and nights, but it is still better to own. You can buy a 3 bed semi out here for about £450k. You can borrow about 4x your joint £160k salary so you can buy now if you take the pain now and move the children to a nursery or other childcare out here in outer London.

Your income dropped while you were on maternity leave and pursuing academia. Did you reduce your outgoings during this time or did they increase due to nursery fees, tuition fees, CoL increases, etc? Where did you think the money was coming from?

Before you met, your DP had saved £90k, you had saved £15k. Your DH knew the state of your joint finances, you didn't. I don't think your DH is bad with money. He has spent it on building a life with you.

In the last 4 years you have had 2 babies together, paid 2 sets of nursery fees, tuition fees and London rent. Your DH has depleted his savings by £40k to cover this so that you can continue your career and studies. He hasn't been financially controlling or made you pay for everything alone out of your personal savings.

As your studies come to an end and your earning potential increases you have plenty of time to rebuild your savings pot.

I’m with the majority here, you’ve overreacted and you should get a grip when it comes to the family finances. You said you’ve come to see him differently - what about how he views you? You may not be the one to chose whether you pay 2xrent or not!

Having said that I also think the PP’s suggesting you use this as a relationship reset are correct. You need joint goals and direction and you need to communicate a lot better. I highly recommend Ramit Sethi who focuses a lot on money issues in couples. He has a podcast and I’m sure you’ll find a couple with a similar story. You can turn things around and achieve your joint goals.

Nicely put. He must be quite hurt by OP's reaction.

This. He can’t be that reckless, and he spent on essentials. 🤷‍♀️

The lying is frustrating but I think there must be a reason he’s been flaky and lied to you. He must know how you’re going to react.
you have an absolute shed load of money between you. I’m on less than 20k, DP is on just over 30 and we have about 3k savings in total. Get a bit of perspective, where did you think the money for nursery arrears was going to come from, get a bit more involved with your family budgeting and don’t leave it down to him then he won’t need to lie

I agree it is very upsetting to find out your financial situation is not what you thought. It does sound though it is a case of dh's income not being sufficient for unexpected costs and him dipping into savings which he largely accrued.
Now if you were married to someone like my exdh your reaction would be the correct one. He gambled away over £100k savings, moved his private pensions of about £300k into a SIPP and proceeded to gamble all that way and apparently I should be fine with that.

I get your issue on lying but to say he has “no concept of money” seems unreasonable when you sound like the one who doesn’t understand how much your current lifestyle is costing and whether it’s covered by your monthly income.

It's frustrating but honestly the nursery arrears bill how did you expect that to be paid?? You list a whole heap of times you were well aware you were living beyond your means in London with 2 children but not how you realistically thought costs were being covered?

If money was sooo important to you then you have a joint account with joint savings account so you have visibility and you'd also know whether your salaries were actually covering the bills

Put off the yearly large holiday flights to see family until the nest egg grows back..
It will be hard to save while you have children in nursery.

OP, maybe he knew you didn't want the burden of the financial side of things while you were pregnant/maternity leave, and probably doing the majority of childcare.

He might have been protecting you, during that time, so that you could enjoy your babies.

If he's on 100k he should be able to rebuild those savings. Especially when your outgoings come down. You won't have nursery fees forever.

London is an incredibly expensive places to live. I grew up there, I've moved out as I wanted more space for my 4 DC. Maybe at some point you could move further out, it's much easier to buy property around the suburbs. My DH has around 50k savings. I actually feel incredibly lucky that he has that, as others have pointed out, most people do not. I certainly don't!

Whilst I only have one child, I do live/parent alone for at least 10mos of the year, work 4 days and yet I can still check our savings balance in approx 8 seconds via an app on my phone.

You've said all spends were legit. So why are you angry? I suspect he didn't want to tell you because of how you'd react.. he's done nothing wrong.

I'd have thought as hebhad those savings before you met they were his to do what he wants.
I understand ur concerns but it all feels like a bit self entitled to me.

Maybe just take your 15k & then you can worry about your money not his!

Do him a faver and leave it's all about you is a car essential in London very few men would buy into your life your searching for 3 children and still moaning you've 59 grand give him ten grand seems like my type of man your the problatic one 3 kids and certainly looking for a mug to look after you only a daft man would take on a woman with 3 kids short term yes but your in poverty trap accept it

I think you need some perspective, as I don't think you realise just how privileged a position you are in 🙈

I do understand you are angry he's lied, but perhaps he was worried to tell you that as a couple your financial situation isn't as good as you'd like. And you've said multiple times here that you didn't want to take on the burden of dealing with finances as well as everything you were doing as a new mum. That is completely valid. But I think you need to take a step back and appreciate that you have a wonderful husband who is a great father too. I think you put him in a very difficult situation. Don't make money the priority over those things.

Me and my husband have 4 children and get by on around 44k a year. I think you'll be absolutely fine.

Wow

It seem you are being a little unreasonable. If the money was spent legitimately on family needs I think a conversation is needed and you two to make a new budget that facilitated the current financial times.

Obviously he was struggling and trying tk manage. It's fortunate you're having this conversation now rather than when the money was depleted.

Maybe you control the income and expenditure going forward.

Yes he should have been transparent but he may have been worried himself.

Most people want to keep up the lifestyle but to do that you need an increase of income.

Has your household income increased or did you just hope he could figure it out?

Where did you think the monney was coming from to pay the bills? You really need to get a grip. Living in London is expensive. Maybe try looking to rent outside of London and commuting. You can't have everything so stop being angry at him for spending money to survive and look for dilutions together.

Did he actually lie to you or did he not realise how much he had dipped into the savings fund?

It sounds like you still have pretty healthy savings and nothing has been spent that you would object to so I don't really know why you are so upset. It would have been better if he had said his wages weren't covering everything, but if you have been pregnant and on mat leave, etc, he may not have wanted to worry you and it was all under control although reducing your savings a bit.

He has no concept of money but the savings were mostly from him??

You left it to him and the money has all been spent on entirely reasonable things.

you are being v unreasonable