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Original poster

How to divide costs: new relationship, but my house!

111 replies

Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:23

I lost my DH in 2020 age only 55 and now that both kids have left home, am in process of downsizing to a house I'll own with no mortgage. I'm grateful to be ok financially, and also to have recently met a wonderful man. We want to move in together, but I'm very stuck on the finances when cohabiting? He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless. So while he's keen to do DIY work on the house as well as pay daily living costs, I want to make sure he's safe in the event that things don't work out, because otherwise he'll be back to square one. We both work, similar modest salaries. I'd love advice on our options: 1) I pay for ALL the home improvements - it remains my house and any increase in value is also mine, should we separate. He chips in just for living expenses. 2) I let him pay 50% of DIY costs, if we broke up he'd get 50% of any increase in value (regardless of whether I sell or not - I'd just calculate it for him).

Are there other options? I want to be pragmatic for both our sakes . Any other pitfalls I haven't thought of? Of course, if it all goes well we're heading towards marriage and a whole different set of questions re: wills, inheritance etc.

OP posts:
PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:25

Option 1. You need to protect yourself and your assets.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:28

PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:25

Option 1. You need to protect yourself and your assets.

How long have you been together?

Known him a year - we've both been slow & cautious, but he's a soul mate in the vein of DH (27 happily married years). Agree on asset protection but also don't want to exploit him the way his exes seem to have. He doesn't have much

OP posts:
jetbot · 09/09/2024 10:31

Known him a year - we've both been slow & cautious,

you have been the polar opposite of “slow and cautious” going by your op

PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:31

If you have only been together a year then definitely option 1. Where is he living at the moment? Was he married to the two exes?

jetbot · 09/09/2024 10:31

He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless.

oh. dear

oh dear oh dear oh dear

ThatTealViewer · 09/09/2024 10:32

Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:28

Known him a year - we've both been slow & cautious, but he's a soul mate in the vein of DH (27 happily married years). Agree on asset protection but also don't want to exploit him the way his exes seem to have. He doesn't have much

Show quote history

Absolutely none of this is slow and cautious, OP!

MostlyHappyMummy · 09/09/2024 10:32

🤦‍♀️

stealthninjamum · 09/09/2024 10:32

Op, don’t fall for his talk about exes exploiting him, if your (relatively short) relationship ends you could lose out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/09/2024 10:33

His previous relationships and lack of equity are not your responsibility to make up for.
Keep all house expenses - repairs, etc your sole responsibility. Charge him a small rent if you want to. (You could put this aside in an account for an emergency fund). Get something legal drawn up so he has no claim on your house. He can pay half all utilities, council tax, groceries etc.
Then encourage him to pay a monthly amount into a savings account. If you split he walks away with a decent savings pot and no guilt on you for "leaving him with nothing".
If you then marry he contributes half towards house repairs, diy, new boiler etc.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2024 10:34

yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless

Bless? Why the fuck would you want to move in with someone you've just met?

He sounds like a cocklodger with a continuous stream of women with thier own houses behind him.

Who's driving the moving in, you or him?

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2024 10:34

I think I would split bills and not allow him to contribute to the house financially for the meanwhile. The money he saves not paying rent he can invest himself so he is protected if you split up.

ActualChips · 09/09/2024 10:35

His exes did not exploit him, he chose to not have secure housing. Don't risk your asset for a boyfriend.

PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:35

stealthninjamum · 09/09/2024 10:32

Op, don’t fall for his talk about exes exploiting him, if your (relatively short) relationship ends you could lose out.

Yeah this is a bit of a red flag. Exploited by not one but two exes? I am sensing possible cocklodger vibes tbh. Sorry to be brutal OP.

Peonies12 · 09/09/2024 10:37

I wouldn't be moving in, it's been such a short time.

Sinisterdexter · 09/09/2024 10:37

Do you have dc?
If so protect yourself and them.
You don't have to marry, there's no obvious advantage for you.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2024 10:37

There is another option, he doesn’t move it.

You lost your DH quite recently, and this is a guy you’ve only known a year. Why are you rushing for him to move in. Finances apart, I’m worried you’re rushing into this and it will end up messy and you being horribly hurt. Just date and spend lots of time together, you don’t need to live together, you’re not 20. Keep your finances separate, enjoy each others company.

Soontobe60 · 09/09/2024 10:38

Let’s look at this from a different perspective.
Your DH died young, I’m assuming here that his death meant you inherited some of his money - pension / insurance? Your children lost their father.
As a result of circumstances, you are now able to downsize and be mortgage free. So you have an asset of maybe £200k+? That asset is your DCs inheritance. None of it belongs to someone you've known for just 12 months. If he is the amazing man you seem to think he is, he would be telling you to make sure the house and all your money is secure for your DC.
I’d like to know what his ex’s say about him TBH.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2024 10:38

but also don't want to exploit him the way his exes seem to have.

Exploit? Wtf? You think he should pay fuck all when living in someone's house? Sounds like you're determined to prove you're not like his ex's.

Why hasn't he ever got his own house instead of relying on the women in his life to provide one?

You're being very foolish.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2024 10:38

And why would you give him 50% of any uplift on your house and investment? Bloody daft idea.

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 10:38

Don’t allow him any share of equity in the house. He can pay the utility bills, council tax and shopping. Don’t charge rent.

PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:39

I’d like to know what his ex’s say about him TBH
Yup.

ActualChips · 09/09/2024 10:40

Sinisterdexter · 09/09/2024 10:37

Do you have dc?
If so protect yourself and them.
You don't have to marry, there's no obvious advantage for you.

It's in the very first sentence of the OP.

No one falls in love faster than a man who wants to leech off a financially secure woman. Beware of this new boyfriend OP, he has a proven track record of getting various women to house him.

Original poster
Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:42

I may have misrepresented him, he's a kind person and a devoted father adored by his kids - he was married for a long time to the mother of his children, when they divorced she kept the house and he is the first to admit he made some bad financial decisions at that time. I think he was maybe a bit naive about the second relationship. We've been dating for a year and lived together for the last 4 months, so am really interested to hear that some consider this is moving too fast - at our age, time sometimes seems to be running out!

OP posts:
Wineandcupcakes · 09/09/2024 10:43

Honestly op. Your definition of slow and cautious differs from the norm.

PandoraSox · 09/09/2024 10:43

OP I hope the replies are not upsetting you too much. I think you are still vulnerable from the sad death of your husband at a young age. Very gently, you don't know this man well yet, and I think it is far too soon for you to move him into your home.

Eta, sorry, I didn't realise you moved him in already. That is fast!