How to divide costs: new relationship, but my house!

[Skylark9]

I lost my DH in 2020 age only 55 and now that both kids have left home, am in process of downsizing to a house I'll own with no mortgage. I'm grateful to be ok financially, and also to have recently met a wonderful man. We want to move in together, but I'm very stuck on the finances when cohabiting? He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless. So while he's keen to do DIY work on the house as well as pay daily living costs, I want to make sure he's safe in the event that things don't work out, because otherwise he'll be back to square one. We both work, similar modest salaries. I'd love advice on our options: 1) I pay for ALL the home improvements - it remains my house and any increase in value is also mine, should we separate. He chips in just for living expenses. 2) I let him pay 50% of DIY costs, if we broke up he'd get 50% of any increase in value (regardless of whether I sell or not - I'd just calculate it for him).

Are there other options? I want to be pragmatic for both our sakes . Any other pitfalls I haven't thought of? Of course, if it all goes well we're heading towards marriage and a whole different set of questions re: wills, inheritance etc.

This. Every word.

Op, men are usually 'lovely' when you've got something they want. How do you think he'd react if you told him he couldn't move in?

Your Dc must be horrified.

A year? Are you mad?

How old are you? Was your husband much younger?

My DP pays half of all utilities, contents insurance & broadband etc. I still have a mortgage and he pays half in lieu of rent. I don't consider him to be 'contributing toward the mortgage' as the property belongs to me and he is not and will never be on the paperwork. He is simply paying for the place he lives in. If I hadn't bought the property and paid 24 years of a mortgage he'd be paying extortionate rent. If he wants a property he can buy a flat to rent out. Having seen the abject misery of fighting to keep a home during hellish divorce I'd never put myself at risk again. Any man who thinks he's 'contributed towards a mortgage' in a home belonging to someone else needs careful looking at inho. You can't be too careful, honestly, especially in your situation.

At our age? You're 55 not 90. Well considering you already live together then good luck to you. He's fallen on his feet hasn't he.

Aah. Yes, I'm in the car and skim read.
Definitely don't marry him op.

Not upsetting me at all - I work in risk & compliance, I've had him thoroughly vetted by every one of my friends & family, met all his family, etc etc but still appreciate the input and warnings of everyone here. Lots to think about - thanks all!

this is toe curling

I'd say a year from meeting to moving in together was fast even for a young 20something couple who were going to rent together, let alone a recently widowed mature woman with children letting a man with no assets move in to a house she owns outright.

I'm always a bit suspicious about middle aged men who work yet have no assets, and who have apparently given it all away to their exes, then happen to find a comfortably off widow who owns her own house, very convenient for them. Makes me wonder if they'd be so keen to move in together if the woman had nothing too.

Edited as I see you already moved him in 4 months ago after knowing him 8 months. I feel sorry for your children and I find it hard to believe all your family and friends thought that was a good idea, I expect behind your back they are worried about you.

Thoroughly vetted? What exactly do you mean by that?

I fully appreciate what you're saying, and this is something we have discussed at length, he's put no pressure on me to move in. My pragmatic kids are very fond of him - and I'd be out of this relationship in a flash if they had any concerns at all.

Oh blimey.

So how would giving him 50% of any appreciation work? In 5 years your £250k house is worth £350k and you split. Where do you find £50k to get rid of him? Stupid idea. Stupid situation to find yourself in. Of course he’s lovely, you’re housing him, cooking for him etc otherwise he’s got nowhere to live. Give him time, he’ll have accrued money in your house and then he’ll be off. Maybe. You really don’t know as you don’t know him.

I know your not some loved up teen, you’re older and know what you want in life. But as you’re older you don’t have time to make mistakes. Some bloke does you over, and you have to pay him off, leading to financial insecurity, is not what you need in your 50/60s. You have no time to make the money back.

Are you quite ok? I really think you know vetting won’t tell you what someone is really like. And of course statements like we took it slow and cautious when you moved the bloke in after 8 months, or we don’t have much time left, like you’re 80 or something is all very odd indeed

given you think you’ve been “taking it slow”…. does “we have discussed at length” mean a passing comment whilst you unloaded the dishwasher?

Op, I’m sorry you lost your husband at a young age. Do you think your happy marriage has given you an overly rosy picture of relationships. Maybe this man has listened to how you speak about your husband and worked out how to manipulate you?

In theory you can move someone in at the speed you choose - age has nothing to do with it - but obviously 8 months into a relationship is far too soon. They say the honeymoon period lasts 18 months to 2 years so that’s a more suitable time to allow someone to move in.

ive been with dp for five years and will move in when my dc are older. He is aware that he is never going to own any share in my assets as my dc come first. And he doesn’t expect to own any. His lack of assets is something he is working on.

OP, stop and THINK!

What would he be paying if you didn't exist? Rent on a small flat plus expenses, say £1500/month

What would he be paying if were both in the same position, without assets? 50% of a bigger flat plus expenses - say £1000/month.

THIS should be the starting point. If you are happy to accept some of his 50% in the form of DIY then great - but he must NOT be 'buying' any entitlement to the house at ALL, until you've been together for many years.

It's VERY easy for bad men to keep their red flags hidden for at least three years I'd say. And even if they do accidentally show them, the boiled frog effect, and your gratitude for being 'rescued', could easily mean that you ignore them.

Even if he's a decent man and things just don't work out - why should he be 'owed' any more than if he was renting a property? He's already getting more than he would otherwise have, because it's a lovely house not a tatty flat, and he's benefiting from the economies that couples make.

You could end up with a mortgage again in retirement if you allow him a claim on your house - and in the worst case scenario and you die in the next few years, your children will be deprived of what you and your first husband worked so hard to get.

My parents ndn's divorced.
The guy, (the tightest person I've ever known) told my df he'd be looking for a widow to make his life easier, no exes on the scene and a naive woman to take him on.
He did too.

Op when you say you want him to be safe, I assume at his age he isn’t financially stabie, ie no home etc,. It’s not your job to provide a home for him. And I’m appalled you’d consider giving him equity. You barely know this man.

And honestly - his financial ineptitude should already be a red flag to you, not something you feel obliged to solve for him!

It's interesting to me that after 8 months you already know his version of how the poor guy ended up with nothing, twice. Who brought it up I wonder?

This with bells on.

If he is doing or paying for DIY it's usually for quality of life rather than added value.

Charge him rent the same way you would a lodger and get him to contribute to weekly shops. Otherwise and in every other way it's your property. If he wants to invest in property he can get a BTL one in case the relationship doesn't work out. If it does and you end up together he can later buy in proportionately to what he can afford to buy for the value at that stage. If he does that money is for you and you alone and not for him to help you spend. Indeed invest it in case you do ever need to buy him back out.

Ensure you have a Will benefitting your children not some bloke you have known for a year with multi exes.

Where was he living before he moved in with you, OP?

Get him to pay a bit under market rate of rent for 1 person (so maybe half the cost) use that money for repairs to house and save the rest

If you split further down the line, then split THAT with him

Could he pay half the bills, and what he's saving on rent he saves for a deposit on a place he buys and rents to out? Gives him long term security if you split, plus another income for retirement

I can see that it wouldn’t feel fair to be asking him to spend lots of time DIY-ing on a house that he has no financial connection to at all. What are the sort of numbers here? Is the “diy” is painting a few rooms and fitting a shower rail? Or is it “knocking through several rooms, helping lay foundations for an extension, doing most of a loft conversion and fitting a new kitchen”? And how much is the value likely to increase? 15k? 200k?

Basically, if it’s the sort of thing friends might help you out with, he shouldn’t expect reward, but if he’s saving you thousands and thousands in tradesman costs, yes he should be remunerated in some way. Could you literally set aside some money for him? Pay him in some way? He won’t be paying rent to live with you, so that’s a big plus for him right off. (You said just living costs). So maybe they even out. He does DIY but pays no rent.