How to divide costs: new relationship, but my house!

[Skylark9]

I lost my DH in 2020 age only 55 and now that both kids have left home, am in process of downsizing to a house I'll own with no mortgage. I'm grateful to be ok financially, and also to have recently met a wonderful man. We want to move in together, but I'm very stuck on the finances when cohabiting? He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless. So while he's keen to do DIY work on the house as well as pay daily living costs, I want to make sure he's safe in the event that things don't work out, because otherwise he'll be back to square one. We both work, similar modest salaries. I'd love advice on our options: 1) I pay for ALL the home improvements - it remains my house and any increase in value is also mine, should we separate. He chips in just for living expenses. 2) I let him pay 50% of DIY costs, if we broke up he'd get 50% of any increase in value (regardless of whether I sell or not - I'd just calculate it for him).

Are there other options? I want to be pragmatic for both our sakes . Any other pitfalls I haven't thought of? Of course, if it all goes well we're heading towards marriage and a whole different set of questions re: wills, inheritance etc.

I haven't read every single message but I am reminded of all the similar MN threads in the past:
If he has a claim on the house that you and your DCs' father bought, then that means they have less of a claim.
If you aren't married and he's paying (nominal, if necessary) rent then he shouldn't have a claim.
But if you marry and divorce, or share the house and split up, your DCs lose their claim. And if you marry and you die, he can move his next wife in and your DCs lose everything.

Replying to this from the point of view of a friend who is in a similar situation with a man...

Her close friends and family are dearly concerned for her, but won't say as we don't want to be the ones to sh*t on her happiness. One friend already cut off who raised concern.

Dfriend is a very accomplished woman and has a phenomenal job, very financially sound, also lost her husband and received significant sums. Children and young adults now.

Her now fiancé came on the scene within a year or two, no assets of his own, not a penny to his name and was previously living with his mum after he apparently "gave" (bless) his house to his ex. It turned out later that it was actually never his house, it was given to her by family. She did give him 7k when he left which was generous. He bangs on about paying his exes mortgage but... as others have said... he would have had to pay rent somewhere else if he didn't live there... it does cost to have a roof over your head...

So anyway, he met my friend, moved in by sleath after a few short months. He's here all the time anyway she says.... seems a nice guy on face value, makes her happy.

But he pays nothing, no bills. Just does the occasional food shop and buys her flowers.

Put a ring on it after a year or so, paying the ring off on finance, still doesn't contribute to any bills. He's living completely for free. In a minimum wage job and he now lives in a lovely home with no bills to pay.

My friend has changed her will now, to leave him 30% and her children 70%.

Whoever did he will says as long as she leaves him reasonable provision, it should be fine and he shouldn't be able to claim any more. If she tried to leave everything to her kids at this point in time, he could potentially have a claim as she has been "keeping" him.

I'm not sure what happens if get married and have a long marriage, because I would have thought that then everything because shared assets (her assets!), so it may not be divided the way she thinks. Maybe her 30/70 split will just be for her half of everything? Aren't assets split 50/50 for marriage?

I'm not sure but I think it's something to think very carefully about OP. I worry my friends assets will go to a new partner of her finance one day if anything happens, and her children will miss out. She is too old to have any more children with her fiancé.

He also has his children so it means hers and her deceased husbands hard work and assets going down someone else's family line.

I hadn't actually thought of that but yes, even if the OP's children are adults and the new man currently has no children, if she pre-deceases him he could easily remarry AND have another family and her children's parents' home goes to them.

I have no reason to believe that your partner isn't every bit as lovely as you say, and as honest as the day is long, and I hope you have a long and happy life together, but I'd advise you to make sure that your property remains completely your own and make separate arrangements for him to contribute to the household. If he's good at DIY (do make sure you're confident about his skills before letting him set about the fabric of your house) and willing to put the time into improving your house, that's a bonus.

If he's truly a good man, he'll accept that he can't walk straight into having a financial interest in your property. If you're still together years down the line, you can always choose to review the situation.

He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless.

OP as previously posters have pointed out you are still vulnerable after the death of your DH and perhaps slightly naive.

Look after yourself first! If he moves in (and I too think it's far too fast) and it leaves him financially vulnerable, so be it. He made that choice.

I would suggest he moves in and pays a rent like a lodger. Why wouldn't he do the DIY for free? He benefits as much as you by living there. You can buy the materials. He puts the time in.

Just be careful OP, please.

Pethaps think about protecting your children's inheritance over a man you've known for 1 year. And you only have his say so that his exs 'exploited' him

Concerned at you mentioning wills in the first post. Your children have sadly lost their father. The house is their inheritance. Why should this guy take any of that? His children will inherit the house he paid towards - from their mother. Don't feel you have to make extravagant gestures to 'prove' you're not like his exes. Put your children's interests first.

Why would you want him to have any share of your asset? Makes no sense. If he lives with you rent free he can save a hefty amount for his own investment.

Op think about a pair of scales

You - own property

He - does a bit of DIY

You have the majority

Why are you so keen to give away your property ?

Do you have children ?

It would be different if you were married

I think you should go with half the bills only and don’t let him do anything that could risk him claiming an interest in your house. The equity that you have is something you and your husband built up together, to benefit you in older age and eventually your children. I’d not risk that.

Please keep everything to do with the house in your name only.

He can transfer you rent - and get him to put 'rent' as the reference in his bank transfer set up - monthly.

Have a joint account for household bills and the cost of groceries.

But the house - and everything to do with it - must be wholly yours.

You've had a long and lovely relationship first time round and you may be a little naive to the sort of stuff that can happen.

The fact that he's had two break ups that we know of tells us he has a very different landscape behind him from you.

Please be savvy and protect yourself,

Exactly this.

Your and your late husband's house and money needs to be ring-fenced to go to your kids or your nieces/ nephews/ whatever.

Option 1. If you're not charging him full market rent he can put this into savings for himself.

Put your kids first OP, as their dad would have wanted. Enjoy your lovely new relationship and I wish you many years of happiness - but please don’t move him in without safeguards and legal advice.

I agree

You should protect your assets for yourself & your children, for your futures.

I know a couple of females in a similar position who own their property outright.
They have been with their partners for 10+ years. There are no sharing of assets so far !

Which is why people are telling you that you are moving too quickly.

However, if they marry in the future, then the assets would be shared.

@Skylark9 not all DIY jobs are on value so that would be impossible to numerate. And you’re not guaranteed that your house will increase in value anyway so you can’t assume that there will be an increase to give him if you know what I mean. I would go with option one, maybe suggest to him he puts some savings aside for the possibility that you might separate so he has something to fall back on.

Please don't move in together OP.
I can see loads of red flags from both of you.
He's spun a story of how he missed out financially twice and you are far too accommodating to not do the same. It's a bad mix.

IF you do go ahead, he should set up a standing order to transfer half the council tax, elec, gas, water, internet costs plus average food costs. Do not accept that he will pay you later or he'll do the shopping etc. You do not want a cock lodger!

At the end of the day it's his own stupid fault for not being more financially savvy, it's not your job to make up for it.

Please don't move in together OP

They’re already living together. After 8 months. And she thinks they’ve been slow and cautious.

I respectfully disagree - get legal advice on this, as it may be safer to charge him rent, then he cannot claim against his contribution to the house.
Better yet - don't move him in for at least 2 to 3 years.
Trust me, you are still grieving and he may be an opportunistic sod.
Don't throw away your financial security and possibly inheritance for any DC you have now.

100% this! Get legal advice now, please! You have to arrange finances on a business footing before he moves in. If you can’t have that discussion, you’re not at the intimate stage of the relationship that you’re imagining you are. Sex is easy, money matters are not.

What was his living situation when you met? Did he have a mortgage?

My now husband moved in after a similar time scale , initially we lived in my house he paid £500 rent and bills and any house related costs I paid. Once we moved and married the house was in my name and I ringfenced the equity I contributed with help of solicitors. Only once we moved did we start to share household improvement costs.

If he is keen to do DIY maybe offer to pay him or offer reduction to rent - keep it clean and traceable with evidence that you alone paid for home improvement costs

Can you both buy jointly?

Does he have funds to do this?

If not, could he mortgage his share? The issue with that is if doesn't pay the mortgage you'll both be liable.

If he cannot, then I think the house should remain your asset and he contributes to living costs like a lodger would. I understand you don't want him to leave the relationship with nothing further down the road but if he comes with minimal assets then he's no worse off.

He could invest each month to build for the future.

Your option number 2 is subjective and will be hard to determine.

In 5 years time how do you split any increase in value between 1) the work you have done and 2) general market price increases.