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Original poster

How to divide costs: new relationship, but my house!

111 replies

Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:23

I lost my DH in 2020 age only 55 and now that both kids have left home, am in process of downsizing to a house I'll own with no mortgage. I'm grateful to be ok financially, and also to have recently met a wonderful man. We want to move in together, but I'm very stuck on the finances when cohabiting? He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless. So while he's keen to do DIY work on the house as well as pay daily living costs, I want to make sure he's safe in the event that things don't work out, because otherwise he'll be back to square one. We both work, similar modest salaries. I'd love advice on our options: 1) I pay for ALL the home improvements - it remains my house and any increase in value is also mine, should we separate. He chips in just for living expenses. 2) I let him pay 50% of DIY costs, if we broke up he'd get 50% of any increase in value (regardless of whether I sell or not - I'd just calculate it for him).

Are there other options? I want to be pragmatic for both our sakes . Any other pitfalls I haven't thought of? Of course, if it all goes well we're heading towards marriage and a whole different set of questions re: wills, inheritance etc.

OP posts:
winter8090 · 23/11/2024 07:27

As for moving too fast if your happy and it's working embrace and enjoy it!

TheDogmother1 · 16/05/2025 19:13

A question about fair financial arrangements for a cohabiting couple. I’ve lived with my partner for over 30 years. We have one grown up daughter, and live in my family home - inherited upon my father’s death when child was 18 months and I was about to be made redundant. We have both been self employed, with my work based at home as well as almost total childcare responsibility. We have always split family finance 50:50. We also bought a house together when we were first together, with the deposit paid by him but the mortgage based solely on my earnings, at that time much better than his. When we moved back to my family home we drew up a cohabitation agreement, with him taking full ownership of our joint property and mortgage and relinquishing any claim upon ‘my’ house. The mortgage was covered by rental revenue. Five years ago I started to let ‘his’ house as an Airbnb, improving it considerably and running it as a business with my daughter. I have since bought another property using my pension lump sum and a buy-to-let mortgage. I pay my partner rent for ‘his’ property, despite us all living in ‘mine’. Is this a fair arrangement, given that he is accruing income from his property whilst effectively living for free in mine?

Morningsleepin · 16/05/2025 19:31

Where are your children going to stay if their lives take a turn for worse?

AirborneElephant · 16/05/2025 19:52

Oops, zombie.

Middlechild3 · 17/05/2025 12:28

Skylark9 · 09/09/2024 10:23

I lost my DH in 2020 age only 55 and now that both kids have left home, am in process of downsizing to a house I'll own with no mortgage. I'm grateful to be ok financially, and also to have recently met a wonderful man. We want to move in together, but I'm very stuck on the finances when cohabiting? He contributed financially to his 2 exes' mortgages, yet when things broke down, walked away with nothing, bless. So while he's keen to do DIY work on the house as well as pay daily living costs, I want to make sure he's safe in the event that things don't work out, because otherwise he'll be back to square one. We both work, similar modest salaries. I'd love advice on our options: 1) I pay for ALL the home improvements - it remains my house and any increase in value is also mine, should we separate. He chips in just for living expenses. 2) I let him pay 50% of DIY costs, if we broke up he'd get 50% of any increase in value (regardless of whether I sell or not - I'd just calculate it for him).

Are there other options? I want to be pragmatic for both our sakes . Any other pitfalls I haven't thought of? Of course, if it all goes well we're heading towards marriage and a whole different set of questions re: wills, inheritance etc.

Don't be a fool. Protect your assets. Ensure if you split you both leave with what you brought to the relationship. What sounds like poor financial decisions of his in the past, are not issues for you to correct now. Do not let emotions erode your assets because you are now involved with someone who brings a 'sob story' with him. Sorry to be hard, men target widows, my brother is one of them unfortunately.

Dizzybob · 17/05/2025 21:52

I would downsize your house and buy a house to rent out- that obviously stays 100% yours. Then you and him go 50:50 on a new mortgaged property. Suggest this and gauge his reaction.

MH0084 · 17/05/2025 22:19

Get a co-habitation agreement. He can pay for half of living costs but not the house. You can charge him a token amount for rent and he can be your lodger. Pay for all the works on the house yourself. Put a clause there saying the house is yours and he has no claims even if he contributes towards it. Do not commit to give any money to him in case of breakup.
He can pay for the fun/trips/holidays and you pay for the house.
Protect your assets. Make things clear from the start.

Snickersnack1 · 18/05/2025 11:59

OP. His ex didn’t screw him over. Making a financial contribution to the ‘mortgage’, assuming his name was never put on it, was essentially rent. It should not and would not entitle him to a share of her assets! You’ve hinted that he is not great with money and has made poor financial decisions in the past. I would keep yourself entirely financially separate.
Given he has moved in already, I think he should be contributing to living costs only, and paying ‘rent’ to his own savings account / pension to secure his own financial future. Make it clear you will not be doing this yourself.

BangersAndGnash · 19/05/2025 09:47

Personally I would not be marrying and potentially making your assets, half of which presumably came from your late DH, to a new man rather than to your Dc.

I would stay unmarried for the foreseeable future, and pay for all your house yourself while your partner saves / invests in a good savings vehicle or his own small investment property as his security.

One year is nothing, and he has a track record of broken relationships.

Enjoy your partnership but do not gamble with your security or with your DC’s inheritance from their Dad and eventually you.

Tallyrand · 20/05/2025 11:08

Honestly this is my biggest fear if I die.

Protect your kids above all else.

We have mirror wills but we've promised each other if we remarry our 2nd spouses do not get mirror wills. I do not understand anyone that disinherits their own kids.

carly2803 · 20/05/2025 16:36

a year? that is fast

option1

and he buys his own house elsewhere and either lives there an you both slow down, or he rents it out

keep your house and to not muddy the waters

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