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Renting while parents own over £1.4million in property

479 replies

Emmav2020 · 30/08/2024 15:00

Just after peoples thoughts. So myself and OH pay £1000 in rent a month aswell as having 2 kids and paying a fortune in childcare. My parents own the above amount in property. Now while ive spend over £50,400 paying rent i was thinking and kind of got myself annoyed that my parents are sat on that kind of money while im still renting. Even if they gave me a small deposit i would be forever grateful just so we can get ourselves a mortgage and onto the property ladder. my sister was given a hefty chunk my her in-laws to buy a house so shes find.
I mean we have save a bit ourselves but its nowhere near what we need
Would you be annoyed or do i have no right in thinking they could help us just a little.

OP posts:
TransformerZ · 01/09/2024 01:13

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 01/09/2024 01:10

Lack of good manners, too.

Yeah like you and the other sour poster

DysonSphere · 01/09/2024 01:18

gottoget · 31/08/2024 23:44

Mind you I think it only prevails around a certain class because the very rich or landowner titled sort, tend to help their children out, which is extremely ironic.

Did you just make that up or are you quoting from a study? And if a study can you link to it please?

Edited

What on earth do I need a study for? Read any society magazine, Tatler is good, or read the newspapers. I have plenty anecdotes though, including my first cousin by marriage (m to my cousin) who was given a flat by her banker CEO father at 19 years old. It was considered a starter flat. And it was expected by the way. And nothing thought of it. She and my cousin now own 3 properties the last one in the million plus, ballpark. Imagine how many she'd own today without that initial help? She earns well, so she'd own, but she'd not own three. I suspect at least one will be given to their two children or they will both most certainly receive deposits. She would find this attitude of not supporting your children with your assets strange.

They may not give their children everything, but as a rule, the parents of the extremely wealthy don't see virtue or capital in letting their children really struggle. It's not how wealth is fostered in the family. They know how money works, the belief is that money should be put to use, so it can grow more money. If you give your children the ability to get on the property ladder early its an investment, property will only get more expensive, they will only have to borrow a larger sum later, plus, the flat can be sold later at a profit. It frees up the children to invest their money into something else. Often some of the wealth is transferred relatively early with some held back, kept in trust etc. It's all about growing family wealth. Clearly the OPs in-laws have that view having helped out her sister.

This idea of granny and grandad/parents sitting on a stagnant nest egg that never hatches, while the children cannot afford to save, have children, or put surplus money to use is alien to them. And they don't treat their children like greedy mercenary bastards for expecting some initial investment either.

ErinBell01 · 01/09/2024 02:08

Cushionblock · 30/08/2024 15:50

I'm in a position where I could help DC with deposits and I may well do at some point in the future, but atm I'm not inclined to for the following reasons:

  • they're unmarried. maybe marriage isn't for everyone, but if they're not committed enough to each other to marry, I'm not sure why I should commit my money to that realtionship - I'd have to assume "we'd" lose half if they split, which could of course happen after a wedding, but it's the attitude.
  • I haven't really seen them making an effort to save themselves. I know it's not all about lattes and Netflix, but when DH and I were saving for our first home we really didn't do anything. Our first holiday together was 3 days in Dover, whereas they seem to think they should be able to have trips like that regularly, as well as "proper" holidays. Their choice if that's how they want to spend their money, but if they'd like help from me I'd like to see them help themselves too.
  • There's huge satisfaction in knowing you've worked for what you have, I'm not sure it really does anyone much good to have a lot of financial help, especially early on.

We helped our kids, but they didn't ask for it, we offered a loan to son when he bought his house so he could pay off previous mortgage. When daughter and partner bought their house we gave her the same amount and wrote off the loans. They aren't married so had it written into the deed that £x plus the % increase in the property belongs to her before the rest of the property is shared. I advised a friend to tell his child to do that when he gave her a deposit, but he didn't bother, then they split and it was very messy!

tinklingchimes · 01/09/2024 02:16

DysonSphere · 01/09/2024 01:18

What on earth do I need a study for? Read any society magazine, Tatler is good, or read the newspapers. I have plenty anecdotes though, including my first cousin by marriage (m to my cousin) who was given a flat by her banker CEO father at 19 years old. It was considered a starter flat. And it was expected by the way. And nothing thought of it. She and my cousin now own 3 properties the last one in the million plus, ballpark. Imagine how many she'd own today without that initial help? She earns well, so she'd own, but she'd not own three. I suspect at least one will be given to their two children or they will both most certainly receive deposits. She would find this attitude of not supporting your children with your assets strange.

They may not give their children everything, but as a rule, the parents of the extremely wealthy don't see virtue or capital in letting their children really struggle. It's not how wealth is fostered in the family. They know how money works, the belief is that money should be put to use, so it can grow more money. If you give your children the ability to get on the property ladder early its an investment, property will only get more expensive, they will only have to borrow a larger sum later, plus, the flat can be sold later at a profit. It frees up the children to invest their money into something else. Often some of the wealth is transferred relatively early with some held back, kept in trust etc. It's all about growing family wealth. Clearly the OPs in-laws have that view having helped out her sister.

This idea of granny and grandad/parents sitting on a stagnant nest egg that never hatches, while the children cannot afford to save, have children, or put surplus money to use is alien to them. And they don't treat their children like greedy mercenary bastards for expecting some initial investment either.

The thing is, you have to have the money to give in the first place. Most people don't (and selling the home to give it shouldn't be considered as it's a home, not a stagnant nest egg).

If you were super wealthy, why wouldn't you help your children with property? It's possible and easy. Most people are not in that position.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 01/09/2024 06:46

1.4 million in property is not the same as having 1.4 million sat in the bank! I suspect that's a home and possible an income to your parents. You are unreasonable to expect either to be put at risk for your benefit.

Why did you choose to have children before buying a house / being financially stable? You are an adult, you make your own choices in life.

OraettaMayflower · 01/09/2024 07:00

Our home is worth about £275k so nowhere near the same as £1.4m but we are mortgage free. Our DC both rent, I wonder if they have the same mindset?

FindingMeno · 01/09/2024 07:27

Mumsnet world is a whole different world.
I honestly thought people were grateful for any help they got from their parents! The level of expectation of help from parents on MN is sometimes astounding.
I've never had a deposit from anyone and I don't give it two thoughts. I definitely don't spend my time thinking about how I can organise my parents finances for my own benefit.
My dc's will get nothing from me as I haven't got a pot to piss in. I hope they don't end up hating me for it....they shouldn't though as they've been brought up in the real world.
Do other people really think more about what they can get from their parents than what they can give to their parents in terms of their care in their old age? Certainly seems that way for some.

helpplease01 · 01/09/2024 07:28

Why should your parents still be responsible for you as an adult? I’m assuming that the property has been their family home and they have worked hard for it. And now you expect them to do what exactly? So you , your partner and two kids can be given what exactly? While they change their lives/ sell their home so you can get on the property ladder. Perhaps they should sell a kidney too?
At what point are your children properly independent? Or do you think as a child your entitled to this level of sacrifice as long as ones parents are alive?

gottoget · 01/09/2024 07:46

DysonSphere · 01/09/2024 01:18

What on earth do I need a study for? Read any society magazine, Tatler is good, or read the newspapers. I have plenty anecdotes though, including my first cousin by marriage (m to my cousin) who was given a flat by her banker CEO father at 19 years old. It was considered a starter flat. And it was expected by the way. And nothing thought of it. She and my cousin now own 3 properties the last one in the million plus, ballpark. Imagine how many she'd own today without that initial help? She earns well, so she'd own, but she'd not own three. I suspect at least one will be given to their two children or they will both most certainly receive deposits. She would find this attitude of not supporting your children with your assets strange.

They may not give their children everything, but as a rule, the parents of the extremely wealthy don't see virtue or capital in letting their children really struggle. It's not how wealth is fostered in the family. They know how money works, the belief is that money should be put to use, so it can grow more money. If you give your children the ability to get on the property ladder early its an investment, property will only get more expensive, they will only have to borrow a larger sum later, plus, the flat can be sold later at a profit. It frees up the children to invest their money into something else. Often some of the wealth is transferred relatively early with some held back, kept in trust etc. It's all about growing family wealth. Clearly the OPs in-laws have that view having helped out her sister.

This idea of granny and grandad/parents sitting on a stagnant nest egg that never hatches, while the children cannot afford to save, have children, or put surplus money to use is alien to them. And they don't treat their children like greedy mercenary bastards for expecting some initial investment either.

To properly determine whether the upper classes/rich are more generous in their attitudes to helping their kids are as varied as other classes - you'd need to know a bit more about their finances than gossip in magazines and anecdotes. The variety in thinking might just be as wide amongst the UC/super-rich as it is amongst the MC - it'd be rare though for a Tatler spread to talk about that, wouldn't it? A boohoo story that my parents wouldn't buy me a house because they said I behaved like an entitled brat - would land well. Most people are quite private about their money (certainly not the done thing if you are UC to be talking about it) and their children's behaviour and don't discuss it publicly over Tatler and the newspapers - although it can sometimes seem like that.

Jenkibubble · 01/09/2024 07:46

Emmav2020 · 30/08/2024 15:00

Just after peoples thoughts. So myself and OH pay £1000 in rent a month aswell as having 2 kids and paying a fortune in childcare. My parents own the above amount in property. Now while ive spend over £50,400 paying rent i was thinking and kind of got myself annoyed that my parents are sat on that kind of money while im still renting. Even if they gave me a small deposit i would be forever grateful just so we can get ourselves a mortgage and onto the property ladder. my sister was given a hefty chunk my her in-laws to buy a house so shes find.
I mean we have save a bit ourselves but its nowhere near what we need
Would you be annoyed or do i have no right in thinking they could help us just a little.

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles .
Ex and I were lucky in that we were loaned (advance from inheritance ) a deposit for our first house . We had kids first (like you)
Bofh sets of parents were comfortable but not to the extent you mention .
If needed , I will do the same for my 2 kids too - they have savings in child trust funds (not easy to contribute to on a single income but I have managed !)
I can see the opposing argument too - my ex in-laws at most opportunities would quote the 10% mortgage interest rates and hardship they endured as if it is something they feel everyone should go through !
My suggestion would be to ask for a loan - advance if inheritance . Shared ownership is an option too - Labour are intent on house building !
All the best to you x

gottoget · 01/09/2024 07:57

helpplease01 · 01/09/2024 07:28

Why should your parents still be responsible for you as an adult? I’m assuming that the property has been their family home and they have worked hard for it. And now you expect them to do what exactly? So you , your partner and two kids can be given what exactly? While they change their lives/ sell their home so you can get on the property ladder. Perhaps they should sell a kidney too?
At what point are your children properly independent? Or do you think as a child your entitled to this level of sacrifice as long as ones parents are alive?

Or do you think as a child your entitled to this level of sacrifice as long as ones parents are alive? This is the attitude my friend's 32-year-old son has - he maintains all his friends feel the same way - I was shocked to hear it but I thought they were an anomaly - maybe they are not.😲

LilMagpie · 01/09/2024 07:58

Really depends on the situation. Do they outright own that much in property or is it on mortgage? Is it one property or several? Do they otherwise have money?

My in-laws had a £1.2million home (this was a few years ago so the same property is probably worth a lot more now). But they had a huge mortgage on it and a whole bunch of other debts. When my FIL died and they sold it, there wasn’t actually much left from it. (Enough to buy MIL a small bungalow and a modest amount of money for security). She had to find full time work reasonably soon after he died.

Personally I don’t think our parents are obliged to help with deposits etc. But I know my own parents would have done if they had the money. And if I have the money when my kids are older I will 100% help them out (as long as they turn out to be hard-working, honest people).

Assuming from its worth that it’s quite a big property, would they let you and your family move in for 6 months whilst you save for a deposit?

Dragonsmother · 01/09/2024 08:33

My parents own various properties and have a lot of investments. They go abroad 3 times a year, always tell everyone about their wealth. Their combined 10 properties in 1980 cost what my house cost to buy in 2020.

I have had £0 from them. I work very hard and have no savings as after mortgage, childcare there is not much left.

Last year I lost my job, it was the hardest year of my life. They didn’t offer any support. I remember last year stood in Tesco calculating if I had enough money to do a family shop when my mother called and told me they were off to Dubai in the morning for a “last minute” holiday. I cried hard tears in the car.

im sharing this as it made me realise, you are on your own. Don’t count your parents wealth.

The best you can do is work hard for your own little family.

joolsella · 01/09/2024 08:34

Dragonsmother · 01/09/2024 08:33

My parents own various properties and have a lot of investments. They go abroad 3 times a year, always tell everyone about their wealth. Their combined 10 properties in 1980 cost what my house cost to buy in 2020.

I have had £0 from them. I work very hard and have no savings as after mortgage, childcare there is not much left.

Last year I lost my job, it was the hardest year of my life. They didn’t offer any support. I remember last year stood in Tesco calculating if I had enough money to do a family shop when my mother called and told me they were off to Dubai in the morning for a “last minute” holiday. I cried hard tears in the car.

im sharing this as it made me realise, you are on your own. Don’t count your parents wealth.

The best you can do is work hard for your own little family.

And this is how Boomers have attracted so much resentment from younger generations

eggplant16 · 01/09/2024 08:37

There is such a thing as a Broke Boomer. Its not pleasant.

tinklingchimes · 01/09/2024 08:38

joolsella · 01/09/2024 08:34

And this is how Boomers have attracted so much resentment from younger generations

My parents are Boomers, have nowhere near the wealth of the parents of the poster you are replying to, and I know they'd have helped out with shopping if I were in that situation. A bit of help with that sort of basic is a far cry from the price of a house deposit. I think most parents would.

MellersSmellers · 01/09/2024 08:46

You don't give enough information.
Is that the value of their own house or do they have a second house.
Do they have a mortgage still.
If that's their own house then presumably you expect them to get a mortgage against it to give you your deposit. YABU
They will need the value of the house to pay their care fees in old age. It doesn't sound like they will be able to look to you for financial help!

westisbest1982 · 01/09/2024 08:49

tinklingchimes · 01/09/2024 08:38

My parents are Boomers, have nowhere near the wealth of the parents of the poster you are replying to, and I know they'd have helped out with shopping if I were in that situation. A bit of help with that sort of basic is a far cry from the price of a house deposit. I think most parents would.

Yes, the vast majority of parents would in that situation. But some people have to be explicitly told by their adult children that they would like help from their patents, and maybe that’s what OP needs to do.

gottoget · 01/09/2024 08:52

Years ago a family member asked us for a significant sum to pay off their mortgage - they had assumed that given we lived in a big house, in a nice area and had good jobs and must have millions in the bank - the truth was we had a mortgage like most people and enough rainy day savings to take us through a rough patch but we were healthy spenders - gave ourselves a healthy budget to enjoy life, ate out, went on nice holidays and had enough savings for us but not enough savings to hand a significant sum to someone else.

That relative was quite abusive about our refusal, we got the whole emotional bit about being let down, thought we would have cared more for our family, families have to support each other etc. They didn't speak to us for a year.
Now we are on speaking terms they continue to look for ways to spend our money to solve extended family member's problems - they are quite convinced that we should pay for the whole extended family to live better and I'm sure there are plenty of people on this thread who'd agree with them.

AngelicKaty · 01/09/2024 09:10

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 31/08/2024 20:27

Most people don’t have £1m in property. Get into the real world. Absolutely lost any credibility by saying that!

It really depends on where you live. If she lives in London, a £1m price tag for a house is actually quite modest. And if all her social group live in similar areas, she can be forgiven for thinking that.

Snowflakeslayer · 01/09/2024 09:18

Emmav2020 · 30/08/2024 15:00

Just after peoples thoughts. So myself and OH pay £1000 in rent a month aswell as having 2 kids and paying a fortune in childcare. My parents own the above amount in property. Now while ive spend over £50,400 paying rent i was thinking and kind of got myself annoyed that my parents are sat on that kind of money while im still renting. Even if they gave me a small deposit i would be forever grateful just so we can get ourselves a mortgage and onto the property ladder. my sister was given a hefty chunk my her in-laws to buy a house so shes find.
I mean we have save a bit ourselves but its nowhere near what we need
Would you be annoyed or do i have no right in thinking they could help us just a little.

I own a house of that value, but don’t have lots of cash lying around to gift to people. It’s theirs anyway, nothing to do with you. I think it’s a shame you even think they should help. Strange.

AngelicKaty · 01/09/2024 09:23

gottoget · 01/09/2024 07:46

To properly determine whether the upper classes/rich are more generous in their attitudes to helping their kids are as varied as other classes - you'd need to know a bit more about their finances than gossip in magazines and anecdotes. The variety in thinking might just be as wide amongst the UC/super-rich as it is amongst the MC - it'd be rare though for a Tatler spread to talk about that, wouldn't it? A boohoo story that my parents wouldn't buy me a house because they said I behaved like an entitled brat - would land well. Most people are quite private about their money (certainly not the done thing if you are UC to be talking about it) and their children's behaviour and don't discuss it publicly over Tatler and the newspapers - although it can sometimes seem like that.

Well said. And I can immediately think of two very wealthy people who have always made it clear they expect their kids to make their own way in life and not expect handouts: Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger.

AngelicKaty · 01/09/2024 09:37

joolsella · 01/09/2024 08:34

And this is how Boomers have attracted so much resentment from younger generations

I'm a Boomer and whilst reasonably comfortable, I have nowhere near this person's parents' wealth, but in the situation she describes I would absolutely help her out if I had the money to give (which her parents seem to!). However, most Boomers' wealth is tied up in the value of the home they've owned for years and many of them are living day-to-day on their state pension alone, so to suggest all Boomers are as wealthy and uncaring as this person's parents seem to be is ignorant and crass.

gottoget · 01/09/2024 09:39

AngelicKaty · 01/09/2024 09:23

Well said. And I can immediately think of two very wealthy people who have always made it clear they expect their kids to make their own way in life and not expect handouts: Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger.

And I'm sure there are plenty of examples where the offspring of the rich and famous go off the rails - I'm not going to name and shame but it will be perfectly obvious if you enjoy reading the gossip rags. A handout from their family to enable their unhealthy habits is the last thing they need. Money can be a very destructive force and believing you are entitled to someone else's is just the start of it.

ssd · 01/09/2024 09:42

So are Paul McCartney's and Mick Jagger's kids renting small houses in dodgy areas with landlords that will rip them off at the first chance, trying to save up for a deposit, never going on holiday and driving an old car??

Thought not.

Ridiculous to believe they don't/won't help their kids out.

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