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Original poster

Is getting married ever a good idea?

101 replies

Maplelady · 21/08/2024 00:58

I’m in a relationship with a man who has two university aged children who I really like but don’t really know that well. My DC are still in primary school and we have no children together, nor are we planning to. DP has recently discussed marriage but there’s no benefit to me whatsoever. I was engaged to the father of my DC but that was different because we were planning on having children and I went part time.

I know it’s very unromantic of me to say, but if I got divorced and had to divide my assets I would stand to lose well over 300k (if the house-which I bought-was divided 50:50). As things stand my will states that my estate should pass to my DC and I would like it to stay that way. I just don’t see the point in getting married as my DC and I stand to lose so much if things go wrong.

His mum and step-dad have made a few comments like ‘being in a relationship should mean you’re all in’ but I just don’t see it that way. I just try not to engage with it and come away feeling like they think I’m a money-grabbing cow with commitment issues.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really, I just worry that this will create a wedge in our relationship that won’t go away.

OP posts:
Bellamari · 21/08/2024 11:47

Dont wish to be unkind but he has teenage children and you have younger children - so he's older than you and likely to die first.
Not necessarily. My son is 6 and I’m 45. My sister’s son is 21 and she’s 43.

Sophiesaph24 · 21/08/2024 11:50

He earns far more than me and a great pension but comparatively very few assets (some money in savings).

This sentence jumped out at me - if he has uni aged children and a decent job, then why has he got few assets?

Where does his money go? I appreciate he is probably paying towards the kids uni costs, but did he not have a property when the kids were younger? Where does he live now?

I wouldn’t get married in your circumstances, unless he is prepared to pay half of your house (and you invest that money in your children’s names)

NoSnowdrop · 21/08/2024 11:55

The fact his mum and stepdad were putting their oar in would be enough to confirm I’d never be getting married to him.

Your relationship is none of their business. Stick to your guns. Don’t get married.

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 13:05

Don't do it. The odds are that you would regret it.

Get a nice ring if you like, or better yet exchange rings.

A faux ceremony with an audience would be too twee for my taste. Most people would be inwardly rolling their eyes.

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 13:05

NoSnowdrop · 21/08/2024 11:55

The fact his mum and stepdad were putting their oar in would be enough to confirm I’d never be getting married to him.

Your relationship is none of their business. Stick to your guns. Don’t get married.

Well said. Why are they offering opinions?

lissom · 21/08/2024 13:41

has anyone here heard of a nice way to do a commitment ceremony?

peachgreen · 21/08/2024 13:52

I'm in a similar position OP and I am getting married. I have spoken to a financial advisor and a solicitor, and will draw up an agreement which will a) ring-fence the current proportionate asset value of my house for DD and DD alone, b) make it clear that once we're married and DP starts paying half the mortgage he will own 50% of the proportionate value that we pay off and c) that gives both he and I the right to live there until our death. So I currently own 50% of my house, so if I die, DD will inherit 50% of the house's current value plus 50% of what DP and I have paid off in the intervening time, but she won't be able to force a sale so DP will be able to stay here for life.

In reality, DP has become DD's dad (her daddy died when she was 2) and his will leaves everything to her so the point is moot – but I feel more comfortable with the protection.

Having said that: I'm getting married because I want to, and it means something to me emotionally. That's the only reason to get married in our position, and if you don't want to, you shouldn't. Just make sure you're protected in the event of his death, and also that you're named as NOK in his will if appropriate.

heinzseight · 21/08/2024 13:56

Ponderingwindow · 21/08/2024 01:44

I wouldn’t marry if you already have children. Your primary financial commitment is to them as is your boyfriend’s commitment to his children. Marriage is a legal and economic partnership that makes sense if you are going to share children or other joint financial goals.

This

BlackShuck3 · 21/08/2024 14:01

Of course this man wants to get married it would benefit him enormously.
Of course his father and stepmother want him to marry you, it will mean that he has your money to rely on and won't be coming to them with his hands out.
Don't get married he will only exploit you.

westisbest1982 · 21/08/2024 14:23

I’m not sure this guy’s a prize, married or not. He wants to get married, doesn’t want a mortgage even though he probably could get one easily even just by himself - and is fully aware you have more assets than him and that you very likely will have a huge inheritance.

I’ve read your replies and it seems you’ve not had an open discussion about this. I’m sure his reaction, when you tell him marriage is off the table (if it now is) - will speak volumes.

Original poster
Maplelady · 21/08/2024 17:56

Sophiesaph24 · 21/08/2024 11:50

He earns far more than me and a great pension but comparatively very few assets (some money in savings).

This sentence jumped out at me - if he has uni aged children and a decent job, then why has he got few assets?

Where does his money go? I appreciate he is probably paying towards the kids uni costs, but did he not have a property when the kids were younger? Where does he live now?

I wouldn’t get married in your circumstances, unless he is prepared to pay half of your house (and you invest that money in your children’s names)

This has been a concern for me. He broke up with his DC’s mother when they were under the age of 5, signed the family home over to her and was in expensive private rental for many years. He earns 80k a year and has about 25k in savings and investments. No other assets. His explanation was that he was funding an ex-girlfriend’s expensive lifestyle and constantly bailing her out of debt. He’s got a nice car and generous with his DCs and family but I wouldn’t say that he lives a flashy lifestyle.

He moved into my house about a year ago, pays half of the bills and a small rent contribution. He was renting a lovely flat before he moved in with me

OP posts:
Cantabulous · 21/08/2024 18:05

Hmmm with every update OP, the attractiveness of marriage to this man seems less and less. You and he are on different pages financially. I’m in a similar position and I’ve made it clear to DP that I won’t ever marry him (or anyone else). My financial independence and peace of mind are hard-won. I plan to enjoy our relationship fully but with emotional commitment only. He doesn’t live here full-time though.

Original poster
Maplelady · 21/08/2024 18:22

westisbest1982 · 21/08/2024 14:23

I’m not sure this guy’s a prize, married or not. He wants to get married, doesn’t want a mortgage even though he probably could get one easily even just by himself - and is fully aware you have more assets than him and that you very likely will have a huge inheritance.

I’ve read your replies and it seems you’ve not had an open discussion about this. I’m sure his reaction, when you tell him marriage is off the table (if it now is) - will speak volumes.

We did have a few discussion and things got quite heated so we decided to press pause on it for a while. I know we need to re-visit things though. I love him very much and am committed to the relationship but I see no need to become financially intertwined (which is basically what marriage is)

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 21/08/2024 18:28

I'd say he wants to become financially intertwined because he is confident that he can work things to his advantage.

coldcallerbaiter · 21/08/2024 18:28

I agree with everyone and OP.
His parents are not innocent, they want him to share your finances. I guarantee if it was the other way round, they’d say don’t marry her..

Mrsttcno1 · 21/08/2024 18:31

There are definitely lots of times when getting married is a good idea, for example for a couple who are planning to have children/ have children together, it protects the woman. But in your situation I probably wouldn’t get married, as you say it’s not very romantic but it is mostly a financial agreement and in your situation probably not a beneficial one

coldcallerbaiter · 21/08/2024 18:40

Tbh I would have suggested a lodger agreement and he gets his own room in the house. Paying rent and half the bills to you could cause him to try and stake a claim at a later date. Don’t let him pay for repairs or alterations to the house.

coldcallerbaiter · 21/08/2024 18:46

Andwegoroundagain · 21/08/2024 09:10

As an aside, you could have a commitment ceremony aka a fake marriage. Officiated by a friend with no registry office component. Publicly declare your intentions to each other but no one need know you're not actually married?
My DM speaks and treats her DP like a husband. They often refer to each other as husband and wife but are not married, I refer to him as my step dad. Everyone just assumes they're married to be honest !

Right but they are not married. A fake ceremony is exactly that, it makes you look silly. Marriage is more than a ceremony anyway. People should own what they are and not pretend to be married if they aren’t, I used to see a lot of women do that in the past, because they were embarrassed that normally the bf didn’t want to get married.

Now that financially secure women do not want to marry recognises how big a commitment it is.

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 19:01

coldcallerbaiter · 21/08/2024 18:28

I agree with everyone and OP.
His parents are not innocent, they want him to share your finances. I guarantee if it was the other way round, they’d say don’t marry her..

Edited

Yep. X100

Ilovegoldies · 21/08/2024 19:08

I got married recently and I only did because between us we have very little. We bought a house and we are building savings but if I had money like you do I would not risk it.

Ilovegoldies · 21/08/2024 19:09

Oh crikey it's him. Fuck no. No way would I get financially intertwined with him..

Bignanna · 21/08/2024 19:12

OP- make sure your will is up to date!

eotchs · 21/08/2024 19:17

Well done OP being sensible and clear-sighted about it! Marriage is primarily for legal and financial protection. If it’s to your detriment, makes no sense. What’s weird here is that his family are making overtures about it. Rude, and none of their business.

Andwegoroundagain · 21/08/2024 19:24

coldcallerbaiter · 21/08/2024 18:46

Right but they are not married. A fake ceremony is exactly that, it makes you look silly. Marriage is more than a ceremony anyway. People should own what they are and not pretend to be married if they aren’t, I used to see a lot of women do that in the past, because they were embarrassed that normally the bf didn’t want to get married.

Now that financially secure women do not want to marry recognises how big a commitment it is.

Edited
Show quote history

Why does it have to be silly ? A marriage is not just a financial commitment, it's a declaration in public of your emotional commitment to each other.
Historically non Christian ceremonies were just "ceremonial" in the eyes of the law and had to be backed up by a registry office visit. So what is the difference between that ceremony and a non denominational civil ceremony? My friends had a non religious naming ceremony for their child which was lovely , is that also to be considered "silly"?

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