Is getting married ever a good idea?

[Maplelady]

I’m in a relationship with a man who has two university aged children who I really like but don’t really know that well. My DC are still in primary school and we have no children together, nor are we planning to. DP has recently discussed marriage but there’s no benefit to me whatsoever. I was engaged to the father of my DC but that was different because we were planning on having children and I went part time.

I know it’s very unromantic of me to say, but if I got divorced and had to divide my assets I would stand to lose well over 300k (if the house-which I bought-was divided 50:50). As things stand my will states that my estate should pass to my DC and I would like it to stay that way. I just don’t see the point in getting married as my DC and I stand to lose so much if things go wrong.

His mum and step-dad have made a few comments like ‘being in a relationship should mean you’re all in’ but I just don’t see it that way. I just try not to engage with it and come away feeling like they think I’m a money-grabbing cow with commitment issues.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really, I just worry that this will create a wedge in our relationship that won’t go away.

Marriage brings you nothing at this stage and i definitely wouldn’t do it. I don’t have kids with my partner and I earn more than him and own a house which I’d prefer not to have to give away half of!

I want my kids to have the house as there’s unlikely to be a big pot of cash for them to inherit. Will have to sort something out if he’s still living here though.

Does your partner also have assets - and that includes a pension that could be paid to a spouse but not a partner?

Assets acquired before a marriage or inherited during it are not automatically divided 50/50 in a divorce, especially if it is a short marriage. You would need to remake a will to leave your property to your children.

I probably would not marry in your situation but it is not as clear cut as you think.

I'd just retort with a comment myself when they say anything " oh I'm never getting married again, everyone knows that", "marriage is such an outdated concept, I don't understand why anyone does these days" ... that sort of thing

I'm 52 and single with three children, OP.
I would never touch marriage again at my age.
As women, we have to pack a bigger punch to be financially secure and I wouldn't risk losing that, especially as I'm getting older.
Everything is about my children's future. My happiness is rooted in their growth as individuals. When I die, I want my assets to support their security.

Your partner has had and still has his opportunities, his assets, his success. He doesn't need your financial fuel for his fire. He's done his life. Now he's enjoying it. Great. But safeguard your children's financial future by protecting your assets, the ones you have worked hard to gain. And you do this by NOT marrying at this stage. Hope I am not too blunt and heartless. I just think, at a certain stage, you have to be pragmatic about things.
And Jesus, his mum is so transparent in her objective. She needs to wipe the greed drooling from her chin. I can't stand people whose entire approach towards life is 'What's in it for me?' My ex husband and his family were like this... always talking about what they expected to get when someone died, constant fights over wills, and oh my god, the major, last minute 'step up to the plate and move in with an ailing relative' shenanigans in the hope of a will change that would see them inheriting a property (for 'helping' uncle whomever in the last four months of his life). A cancer diagnosis in the family had them rubbing their hands in excitement. I'm so glad to be out of it all. It was quite sick and depressing to observe.

I hope your in-law situation isn't this crazy. But do give your partner's mother as wide a berth as is possible without being confrontational about it. People like her really get their tentacles into their children's relationships and she'll be filling your partner's head with her expectations. Tread very carefully, OP.

I had a consultation with a divorce lawyer a few months back. Basically things can be ring fenced with a pre-nup with the exception of the family home. Once married my house would be considered the family home and I’d potentially lose half of it. He earns far more than me and a great pension but comparatively very few assets (some money in savings). There’s a massive financial discrepancy between us and for that reason the lawyer’s best advice was not to get married. It’s a shame because he’s someone I’d like to share the rest of my life with. I know he would want his life insurance to go to his DC, I don’t know about his pension

As an aside, you could have a commitment ceremony aka a fake marriage. Officiated by a friend with no registry office component. Publicly declare your intentions to each other but no one need know you're not actually married?
My DM speaks and treats her DP like a husband. They often refer to each other as husband and wife but are not married, I refer to him as my step dad. Everyone just assumes they're married to be honest !

I did think about this, but I don’t know if it would just be a bit weird. Inviting my friends and family to a wedding that’s not really a wedding. Having to explain why we’re doing things this way. I would happily wear the ring and change my name. Basically I want to be married without being married. Is it common these days?

I am in a somewhat similar situation as been with DP 5 years, both have teen kids, but I have significantly more assets. For me it seems clear that my children come first, and I don't mind sharing stuff with DH that I earn now but certainly not assets that were built up before and during my previous marriage. I also want to have the ring and some kind of ceremony without the legal contract. There is no pressure on me as DP is not asking, he is completely committed and would do anything I want but would definitely not want to be grabbing my money. In your situation OP I would certainly not marry and I would have a very open conversation with your partner about your assets going to your kids.

sorry when I say DH I mean DP !!!!

How does your DP feel about it? Can he see the logic in not getting married, and is OK with it? Or does he feel you’re somehow uncommitted?

If you live together long term, and don’t marry, then you both need to consider a future where he could lose his home if you died before him. You can draw up a will to protect his right to continue living in the property for a time to protect him, and he can think about buying a smaller property like a BTL flat somewhere close by to give him some housing security.

I regret marrying. My H has been feckless and disorganized with his finances -through choice not necessity - and I would stand to lose shitloads of my assets and pension if we divorced’ leading to marginal living in old age after a lifetime of working and saving.

I would not recommend marriage at all now. Keep your financial independence and don’t marry. It makes splitting up so much easier.

Marriage is essentially a financial contract ( the romantic notion is a social construct, legally it’s very much a financial contract) and I wouldn’t advise anyone to sign any contract which was to their detriment.

Ive never been married i never saw the point in it What i own and worked for is mine.

Its the same as having kids i just didnt see the point in.
Only have to read mumsnett to see how married life.

This. If you’re both childless and planning to be each other’s next of kin and leave everything to each other then get married. Or If you’re raising his kids then you deserve the protection of marriage. Otherwise no.

He has next of kin already - adult children who you shouldn’t take precedence over. He’s leaving everything to them. You have your own kids and you want them to inherit from you. I don’t see what you’d gain from marriage?

The only caveat I suppose is if you’re deeply in love and really want to get married. In which case you could make wills to ensure your assets go to your own children. But personally I’d have to be absolutely crazy about the guy to go this far.

I think marriage is always more complicated later in life especially where there are separate but no mutual children, I am married and even as the higher earner that was important to me, but now I have DC if DH and I were to ever divorce, I don't think I would marry again, I'd want to protect my assets for my child's future and I won't be having any more with anyone!

This.
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It doesn't sound like you want to get married, so don't.

If you were planning to have children with this man and potentially take a career hit to raise them then it would be different. But at your stage of life the only reason to get married is because you really want to.

You should both think hard about your wills. If one of you died and left your estate to the other, what would go to the children of the person who had died? Sideways disinheritance (where everything goes to the surviving spouse and then they don't give anything to their stepchildren) is sadly very common.

"I’m in a relationship with a man. We each have two children from previous relationships.

I want to get married, but he is worried that if we were to divorce, he would stand to lose well over 300k (of the house-which he bought-was divided 50:50). As things stand his will states his estate would be left to his DC."

We'd be seeing very different answers if this were swapped... You need security, he's not serious, LTB. OP makes no mention of working arrangements as you have, simply that she's worried about losing money should they divorce.

Should all men decline marriage when they are financially better off? That's the advice we're seeing above.

Marriage is important to him and I think he feels that I’m not committed to him, which absolutely isn’t the case! I do see my future with him and wouldn’t see him homeless if we were together for decades and anything happened to me. We’ve had the chat about him buying an investment property or buying a house with me (owned in different shares) but he’s just not keen on the idea of getting a mortgage. He thinks his money would be better invested in the stock market.

I don’t think it’s a deal breaker for him and I think if he were in my situation (ie owned more assets) he wouldn’t really consider the financial implications of this.

This man is old enough to have teenage children so he's old enough to have made his own way in life. They aren't planning to have children together and even if they did he wouldn't be the one to give birth to them and take maternity leave.

A rich man who wanted children should marry the intended mother of his children to give her some financial security.

We’ve had the chat about him buying an investment property or buying a house with me (owned in different shares) but he’s just not keen on the idea of getting a mortgage. He thinks his money would be better invested in the stock market.

He’s making financial decisions based on his priorities, and I’d probably point out to him that you’re doing the same. Neither is more right than the other.

I’d go with the commitment ceremony. Surely most of your friends and family are of the same age and stage of life and understand the very good reasons not to marry again? Maybe an older generation might judge but whatever!

Marriage is important to him and I think he feels that I’m not committed to him, which absolutely isn’t the case! I do see my future with him and wouldn’t see him homeless if we were together for decades and anything happened to me.

So why not do something to show that commitment that doesn't necessarily have the legal ramifications of marriage. Wear the ring, change names or whatever it is you want to do to shown the love. You're just eschewing the actual legal part ... ask him if he'd be comfortable if he died intestate that you could effectively cut his kids out of your will if you wanted to. There's plenty of threads on here showing examples of that.

I think a ceremony could be lovely!

It's still better to be married when your partner is ill or dies. If you're not married you don't automatically get a say over their health and financial decisions and end of life care unless you get enduring power of attorney. And inheritance tax can kick in on assets transferred to you. You also don't get the Capital Gains Tax nil gain nil loss exemption when transferring assets between each other. It's not the end of the world, but worth considering.

Dont wish to be unkind but he has teenage children and you have younger children - so he's older than you and likely to die first. Therefore his pension, which you could claim when he dies, is extremely relevant. You would also have a claim on his stock market investments. Whether he can leave a pension pot to his children instead depends on the nature of his pension.

Starting point on a house is 50/50 but the courts have to consider what is fair if there is no agreement between you. His investments and pension would be part of considering what is fair. Your family home is also your children's home and they'd be expected to stay in it until 18. Edit for typo.

It depends on circumstances. Marriage generally favours the less financially well off. In your circumstances I wouldn’t marry. Hell of a lot to lose if it doesn’t work out. I am still paying off my divorce and it stings!

No way. What does a piece pf paper prove? Nothing. I am married but we have kids together. Do not be bullied into marriage by your DP or his family.