Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Is getting married ever a good idea?

101 replies

Maplelady · 21/08/2024 00:58

I’m in a relationship with a man who has two university aged children who I really like but don’t really know that well. My DC are still in primary school and we have no children together, nor are we planning to. DP has recently discussed marriage but there’s no benefit to me whatsoever. I was engaged to the father of my DC but that was different because we were planning on having children and I went part time.

I know it’s very unromantic of me to say, but if I got divorced and had to divide my assets I would stand to lose well over 300k (if the house-which I bought-was divided 50:50). As things stand my will states that my estate should pass to my DC and I would like it to stay that way. I just don’t see the point in getting married as my DC and I stand to lose so much if things go wrong.

His mum and step-dad have made a few comments like ‘being in a relationship should mean you’re all in’ but I just don’t see it that way. I just try not to engage with it and come away feeling like they think I’m a money-grabbing cow with commitment issues.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really, I just worry that this will create a wedge in our relationship that won’t go away.

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 21/08/2024 01:06

If I was in your position I wouldn’t marry. The wealth DH and I have created is for us & DC, if anything happened to him or we divorced, I wouldn’t marry again as I wouldn’t want to DC to lose it

Ponderingwindow · 21/08/2024 01:44

I wouldn’t marry if you already have children. Your primary financial commitment is to them as is your boyfriend’s commitment to his children. Marriage is a legal and economic partnership that makes sense if you are going to share children or other joint financial goals.

Hectorscalling · 21/08/2024 04:22

Marriage is the same as most things. It suits some people, in some circumstances.

I won’t marry because I have lot on assets that I want to keep for my children. I am not having children with Dp. It doesn’t suit me or my circumstances. Dp knows this and always has.

Powderblue1 · 21/08/2024 05:51

I think ok your circumstances I wouldn't marry either.

For us, we married pre children with similar income. We've created wealth together and I think of we ever separated it wouldn't be on my interests to remarry either as I'd want to ring fence assets for my DC alone and certainly don't want anymore children.

Stick to your guns- I can't see it being a deal breaker

Thehonestbadger · 21/08/2024 06:11

In your situation no it’s not a good idea and would only stand to complicate and negatively impact your life financially.

If you were planning to start or add to your family with a man, had no or significantly less assets yourself and stood any chance of potentially ending up having to work part time to facilitate young children or leave work all together (it happened to me after having a disabled child) then yes absoloutley getting married is a fantastic idea and should always be done!

BettyBardMacDonald · 21/08/2024 06:14

Don't do it.

His parents are bonkers. Relationships need not progress to marriage. They have no business commenting in the first place.

Sounds as though they all are eyeballing your assets. Beware.

ThePassageOfTime · 21/08/2024 06:16

Marriage is detrimental to women unless they are SAHMs.
Both financially and net happiness wise

cosyleafcafe · 21/08/2024 06:17

If getting married doesn't suit you then don't do it. Don't let his parents pressure/ guilt you - it's absolutely none of their business.

Scooby2024 · 21/08/2024 06:17

i agree I wouldn't marry in this circumstance. If me and DP (soon to be DH) were to divorce I wouldn't marry again as everything I have would go to DS.

cosyleafcafe · 21/08/2024 06:18

How can you be 'money-grabbing' when it's your own money?

They sound like the money-grabbing ones if anything.

Guavafish1 · 21/08/2024 06:19

Don’t do it …. People change too

Onelifeonly · 21/08/2024 06:29

Why take a risk with your financial future and that of your children? If I were in your situation, I wouldn't. His parents would be happy for their son and grandkids to have your money, so they are biased.

C1N1C · 21/08/2024 06:33

MN general consensus from historical posts is, rich woman, don't marry; much husband, definitely marry.

Funny that...

Humphhhh · 21/08/2024 06:48

Maplelady · 21/08/2024 00:58

I’m in a relationship with a man who has two university aged children who I really like but don’t really know that well. My DC are still in primary school and we have no children together, nor are we planning to. DP has recently discussed marriage but there’s no benefit to me whatsoever. I was engaged to the father of my DC but that was different because we were planning on having children and I went part time.

I know it’s very unromantic of me to say, but if I got divorced and had to divide my assets I would stand to lose well over 300k (if the house-which I bought-was divided 50:50). As things stand my will states that my estate should pass to my DC and I would like it to stay that way. I just don’t see the point in getting married as my DC and I stand to lose so much if things go wrong.

His mum and step-dad have made a few comments like ‘being in a relationship should mean you’re all in’ but I just don’t see it that way. I just try not to engage with it and come away feeling like they think I’m a money-grabbing cow with commitment issues.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really, I just worry that this will create a wedge in our relationship that won’t go away.

I would just be really upfront whenever DP raises the topic. "Marriage is really complicated when you already have children and I don't want to complicate us so marriage isn't on the cards"

It's not his parents business so don't even give them a second thought.

Humphhhh · 21/08/2024 06:52

C1N1C · 21/08/2024 06:33

MN general consensus from historical posts is, rich woman, don't marry; much husband, definitely marry.

Funny that...

Don't be obtuse. There is a cost to raising children, you outsource and pay or you sacrifice your own earnings and do it yourself.

If the latter than the working parent should be financially responsible for the non-working parent. Not just in the short term but in terms of long term - housing, pension etc - as they are benefits of paid work. If you're not willing to provide that funding don't agree to your partner giving up work..

honeypancake · 21/08/2024 06:55

If you both really wanted to get married you could get a prenup agreement drawn up, it would help legally protect each of the partner's assets . Lots of people get married later in life and it is a good idea if one or both parties worry about the assets accumulated before marriage.

InfoSecInTheCity · 21/08/2024 07:06

You need to weigh up the pros and cons and you need to put in place alternative legal mechanisms where needed.

If for some reason me and DH were not married and I found someone else, then at this point I probably wouldnt get married to them.

I earn a good salary, I have assets that I would want to be inherited by my daughter, I would likely have ongoing financial ties to my ex-DH that I wouldn't want entangled with the next. I would however want to formalise the legal 'next of kin' ties for medical decisions, I may change beneficiary on insurance to split between new partner and DD and so on.

That might all change in 20 years, when DD is in her 30s and not dependent on me, and I might decide I wanted to get married but put other checks and balances in place like formalising that my portion of any property would go to her.

2AND2GC · 21/08/2024 07:11

Don't get married.

Andwegoroundagain · 21/08/2024 07:16

I am in almost the same position as you albeit slightly older DC and so I've been super clear all along that I would not be considering marriage at all. My DM is the same incidentally.
There's no real benefit and definitely downsides. You can structure wills to accommodate situations where you wouldn't want your DP evicted if he was living in the house and you died. Much better to do that way

Whodrankmytea · 21/08/2024 07:22

I'm in a similar situation both with adult children but I would not consider marriage for the same reasons.

hattie43 · 21/08/2024 07:28

I wouldn't marry , it sounds like you've built up a good sum and I wouldn't risk losing it .

NotStayingIn · 21/08/2024 07:34

Same, I have a good pension, good income and property, that I worked hard for and sacrificed things for to obtain.

I will now not get married.

And for a previous poster questioning that. Whoever I marry now did not support me through having children whilst I supported the growth of their career. I don’t owe them anything and vice versa.

I want us both to own what we came into the relationship with. Of course we can share costs, split bills etc. But no need for complete financial linking that marriage would entail.

Meadowfinch · 21/08/2024 07:54

NotStayingIn · 21/08/2024 07:34

Same, I have a good pension, good income and property, that I worked hard for and sacrificed things for to obtain.

I will now not get married.

And for a previous poster questioning that. Whoever I marry now did not support me through having children whilst I supported the growth of their career. I don’t owe them anything and vice versa.

I want us both to own what we came into the relationship with. Of course we can share costs, split bills etc. But no need for complete financial linking that marriage would entail.

This is me. I've raised my child, bought my home, built my career without anyone's help.

Beware OP, there is no reason for you to marry, and his parents have no business pressuring you.

If you are happy as you are, then no need to change anything. If he loves you, he will be happy with the status quo..

Original poster
Maplelady · 21/08/2024 08:16

Thank you for your comments. His mum and step-dad are planning on getting married soon which I think is bonkers considering she has a track record of failed marriages and paid off her mortgage before they met. I suspect there’s a bit of ‘well I’m doing it, so you should too’ going on.

They know I have money because I sold my business last year and used the money to buy this house. My lovely parents are much older than them and live in one of the most expensive parts of the country so they know I’m likely to receive a substantial inheritance at some point. I worked bloody hard and made lots of sacrifices to get where I am today.

I will need to speak to his mum about the comments they’re both making. I think they think they’re being really subtle but I can see straight through it and it irritates me.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 21/08/2024 08:19

I wouldn't marry in your shoes either OP. I am married but DH and I built our lives together, we've on balance brought equal to the relationship (he earns more but I have some inherited wealth and a valuable pension). I've already said if anything happens to him, I'd never remarry. I have to take it on trust it anything happened to me, he wouldn't but I wouldn't jeopardise my children's financial security for another person.