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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dad doesn't work and expects me and government to pay for his children

98 replies

Sherb2024 · 18/07/2024 04:03

Hi,

I am so upset and cross about this
My ex husband works 4 hours a week and therefore provides £1 per day for his children (£30.30 per month) His wife who is a family law solicitor who deals with divorce and finances enables him not to work and they both believe the child allowance I receive pays for them. Obviously the money I get from him and child allowance no where near covers the costs of raising 2 children.
I don't think there is anything I can do to change this situation and they are both quite mean to me, and I struggle with this a lot. The children hate going and always have (we split up when I was pregnant with our 2nd child) and ask me sometimes how old they have to be until they can choose not to go. I believe this isn't until they are 16 (they are 10 & 8 now) Is there any advice or help on how I can cope with this situation as it's so emotionally draining?

OP posts:
LydiaTomos · 18/07/2024 04:10

You have included your name, your ex's wife's name and the logo of the school. I think you should delete and repost.

Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2024 04:17

You don’t have to pay for anything for their house. He is responsible for his parenting days. If they need uniform at his house, it is his to buy. He may also need
to provide lunch that day and pay for any before or after school care they need depending on what time you use to define your 24 hour custody days.

Original poster
Sherb2024 · 18/07/2024 04:22

I can't seem to edit post?

OP posts:
Nightowl1234 · 18/07/2024 04:25

They sound dreadful. I can’t believe a man would deliberately not provide for his children. Hopefully they will see him for what he is when they are older. Sorry I can’t provide more advice. Maybe speak to a solicitor about options for your children to stop going. A lot of law firms will give an initial hour of free advice.

Codlingmoths · 18/07/2024 04:26

I think I’d just reply ‘if you can’t provide these things then I can’t send the children, as I can’t afford two lots. Let me know please so I know if they are going next week.

Nightowl1234 · 18/07/2024 04:29

Sherb2024 · 18/07/2024 04:22

I can't seem to edit post?

Not sure but I think you might need to contact MN to edit or delete a post?

MimiSunshine · 18/07/2024 04:44

I’d be replying back that as the child maintenance their dad pays is £30 per month, per child and doesn’t remotely cover half the cost of anything let alone uniform. So it seems neither of them feel
any obligation to provide any financial support to his children.

id also just stop sending the kids if they don’t want to go. Worse case scenario they take you to court. But at their ages now the eldest at least will get a say.

CuriousGeorge80 · 18/07/2024 04:45

”Hi ex name, it obviously isnt my obligation to provide clothes for the children when they are at your house. If you aren’t able to commit to them having clean school clothes to use when they stay at yours, they won’t be able to come anymore. Let me know either way, it’s your call as to whether you want to effectively parent them or not.”

Cunts. I would not have any contact with the woman. Speak only to your ex and if the kids don’t actually want to go I would just become really strict on what’s for ex to do and pay for and if he doesn’t let him have the consequences.

CheshireDing · 18/07/2024 04:48

You sound very obliging. As others have said ignore the correspondence from the other woman and if DC don't want to go don't send them.

He doesn't sound like he would be arsed

MikeRafone · 18/07/2024 04:58

I’d reply

I am only obliged to parent the children from our home. I will not be providing spare uniform. In the event if spillages or mishaps with uniform you will need to sort that out yourself.

leave it at that

the childrens view are taken into account around 10/11 years of age, as to whether they want access to their parent.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 18/07/2024 05:07

I’m not sure why his new wife is contacting you? It’s none of her business. He should be doing it and it’s got nothing to do with her. The 10yo is just about old enough to voice their opinion about going to see them. I wouldn’t be forcing my kids to go.

Maybe2024 · 18/07/2024 05:25

Hi OP I have reported the post to MN so that they can remove the screenshot which contains personal details.

Your ex and his partner sound awful, I am sorry.

auntpanty · 18/07/2024 05:27

You need to either contact mn to delete the text post or I think you can edit ion internet but not on the app.

I'd say "actually ex pays less maintenance to allow for the days kids are at yours therefore it's his responsibility to ensure he has some clothes at his for the days they are with you"

I would leave it up to them but wouldn't buy a set for theirs.

With regards to stopping going I think from around 12/13 a family court would take into account the children's opinion. But it might be best to get some legal advice

Tillievanilly · 18/07/2024 05:31

If my ex thought that amount of money was going to provide for his children I think I would think again. If the reasons they don’t want to go are realistic I would consider listening. Yes they should provide clothes when at his house. This is really poor parenting. Would he be concerned if they stopped going?

Deyjxh · 18/07/2024 05:37

From personal experience the court will act from 8 years old, and stop a parent from seeing a child.

GoFigure235 · 18/07/2024 05:43

If the kids don't want to go, I'd stop sending them. No way are these mean, greedy, lazy fuckers paying the money and going to all the bother to take you to court.

It feels rough now, but the result of all your effort and sacrifice is that you have a relationship with your children. It won't always be hard work.

Poolstream · 18/07/2024 05:46

You’re doing a great job@Sherb2024 .
How you’ve put up with this shit for 8 years I don’t know.
Be guided by your dc, if they don’t want to go don’t make them.

EffYouSeeKaye · 18/07/2024 05:57

For starters you need to close down that WhatsApp group called ‘Children’ with you, your ex and her in it. Your children do not have three parents (they don’t have two, by the sounds of things).

You don’t need direct contact with her AT ALL.

All communication about the children goes through your ex only. If she sends any rude messages then block her. She sounds dreadful and you are being bullied.

Use some of the excellent suggestions above to message your ex about providing adequate clothing for when he has the children or don’t send them.

I would also agree that if they don’t want to go then you can say they are refusing and leave that with them to take to court if they wish.

Hold your head up high and don’t allow yourself to be treated like this. You may not get any more financially from him, but you don’t have to take crap from either of them - least of all her.

PickledPurplePickle · 18/07/2024 06:06

EffYouSeeKaye · 18/07/2024 05:57

For starters you need to close down that WhatsApp group called ‘Children’ with you, your ex and her in it. Your children do not have three parents (they don’t have two, by the sounds of things).

You don’t need direct contact with her AT ALL.

All communication about the children goes through your ex only. If she sends any rude messages then block her. She sounds dreadful and you are being bullied.

Use some of the excellent suggestions above to message your ex about providing adequate clothing for when he has the children or don’t send them.

I would also agree that if they don’t want to go then you can say they are refusing and leave that with them to take to court if they wish.

Hold your head up high and don’t allow yourself to be treated like this. You may not get any more financially from him, but you don’t have to take crap from either of them - least of all her.

Exactly this

Time to stand up and take control

MikeRafone · 18/07/2024 06:09

GoFigure235

one of them is a lawyer, I’d be careful if it was me

id stop using the group WhatsApp - I’d not shut it down or leave. I’d revert to email directly to ex email address
be very mindful of concentrating on my parenting, but not taking on any of their responsibilities. I’d not be suggesting they do anything- as the affect of that is “ it’s your responsibility”

if the children don’t want to go, I’d suggest they tell the other parent, suggesting they tell the parent why and that gives oarent opportunity to change situation. For now, that being fair to your children and teaching them a life lesson.

isthismylifenow · 18/07/2024 06:11

No, no OP. You speak to your ex only, and not his wife. It sounds like she has laid down all the cards here and has worked this so they need to pay the absolute minimum. You can tell by her message she doesn't care about your DC at all.

I agree with pp, close down that group, she is Not their parent but seems to be having the most say.

My blood is boiling on your behalf.

YellowAsteroid · 18/07/2024 06:15

He’s awful and you’re well rid. That email is just plain nasty- he’s given up any responsibility for his DC. I’d be inclined to start saying that in that case, if your DC don’t want to visit, you’re not going to force them.

I don’t think there’s a set age at which DCs’ wishes about staying with the non-resident parent are acknowledged. At 10, your elder child is getting to the age when his/her wishes can be taken into account.

I’m not surprised your DC don’t want to go.

TemuSpecialBuy · 18/07/2024 06:21

CuriousGeorge80 · 18/07/2024 04:45

”Hi ex name, it obviously isnt my obligation to provide clothes for the children when they are at your house. If you aren’t able to commit to them having clean school clothes to use when they stay at yours, they won’t be able to come anymore. Let me know either way, it’s your call as to whether you want to effectively parent them or not.”

Cunts. I would not have any contact with the woman. Speak only to your ex and if the kids don’t actually want to go I would just become really strict on what’s for ex to do and pay for and if he doesn’t let him have the consequences.

Yep i actually agree with this.

So sad when paremts are like this. We cant make them care.

Zanatdy · 18/07/2024 06:24

Oh what lovely people they are, absolutely shocking they are getting around child maintenance in this way. I totally agree that I would not be corresponding with this woman. She is nothing to do with the situation. Children don’t need to be 16 to not go anymore, it’s much younger than that a judge would listen to the views of a child. If they are very distressed going I’d stop and tell them to take you to court, and no doubt they will. I think at their age currently they are a little young but hopefully in a couple of years they can stop contact if they wish. Once they are adults I’d be telling them their father hasn’t provided for them. He forgets one day they will grow up and see that their father paid a mere pittance for them. Good luck with that relationship pal

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