Dad doesn't work and expects me and government to pay for his children

[Sherb2024]

Hi,

I am so upset and cross about this
My ex husband works 4 hours a week and therefore provides £1 per day for his children (£30.30 per month) His wife who is a family law solicitor who deals with divorce and finances enables him not to work and they both believe the child allowance I receive pays for them. Obviously the money I get from him and child allowance no where near covers the costs of raising 2 children.
I don't think there is anything I can do to change this situation and they are both quite mean to me, and I struggle with this a lot. The children hate going and always have (we split up when I was pregnant with our 2nd child) and ask me sometimes how old they have to be until they can choose not to go. I believe this isn't until they are 16 (they are 10 & 8 now) Is there any advice or help on how I can cope with this situation as it's so emotionally draining?

I agree things can come across very differently but
It could be down to parental alienation, or their DF is firmer with them than dm, or he makes them go to bed at an earlier time than their dm.
Their DF can't even respond to WhatsApp himself. If he's such a good father why doesn't he make sure his children have a set of uniform at his house?

Did the court decide the amount -there is a law programme on radio 4 -I was only half listening but I’m sure they said the new wife could be expected to pay in some situations if you haven’t remarried
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00202gp?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

though I might have that wrong

Any parent who has a decent household income who decides to contribute £30 a month for two children and refuses to provide anything extra at all is an utter prick. We don’t need to know more to know that.

I would be inclined to book an appointment with a solicitor, show them the messages MNHQ redacted name and instruct them to write a letter to her and the children’s father. The solicitor could point out the ‘obligations’ a father has towards his children.

Be comforted in the fact that children grow up and will see their father and his snooty new wife for what they are. Hideous people!

Agree. I would stop sending the kids if they don’t want to go. Do you have a solicitor? Is there any court access involved or is this just something you’ve organised between you? Maybe try and see a solicitor yourself see what they recommend and I’d try citizens advice and women’s aid aswell just so you know where you stand and if there might be any recourse from either side. He sounds like a complete twat and your kids already know it. Wishing you lots and lots of luck xxxxx

Absolutely agree with those saying just reply - by email to their father - I will provide for the kids when they are with me. You need to provide for them when with you.

No getting into long words. No description of what that entails - that's his responsibility and it doesn't give him the fight he wants.

And if they start to say the don't want to go respect that - unless court ordered which you state. If they want more contact let them apply to courts and then you state why they didn't want to go and get it written into the order they need to provide X y and z for the children as part of the order.

I think you will find that's thirty pounds a month between the children

I don't think court would force them to go at those ages if it were to go to court now if they don't want to and you are happy to have them full time. I wouldn't be sending my children anywhere they didn't want to go especially if the parent doesn't properly contribute to their upkeep and is horrible to you as who knows what they are saying there. My friend has just been through this and her 11 year olds wishes have been listened to.

ant Court would listen to your kids now .

just don’t send them and let him fight through court to make them go .it won’t happen .

He will threaten all he likes abs they will send loads of official letters to upset and scare you but they won’t spend the money on court . Even his new wife will know it’s a lost cause .

if the kids don’t want to go . Do t send them block him and bin any letters

Be sweetness and light @Sherb2024. Stop using the WhatsApp group and switch to email, addressednto your dh but copied to the children's step mother.

Remain the voice of reason. I'd also send an old set of uniform, freshly laundered for them.to keep at theirs for emergencies.

Meanwhile, I'd listen hard to the children and follow their lead. I'd also give her firm a one star review. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I'd also be mindful that step probably is engineering things so the children stop going. You may find your dh miraculously back at work when ties have been cut.

Two lots of what??

When the children are with their father he supports them financially.

I do think the law needs to change.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP

And to readers - Stop quoting names please when replying. It's outing and the wife is a lawyer.

My friend's DC decided at about the same age yours are that they didn't want to go anymore. The dad didn't challenge it so they never went again. Sad to lose contact with a parent but even worse for a parent to be so mean towards their own children.

I’d assume uniform. I agree with you though. I share custody with my ex and he doesn’t pay maintenance but does cough up for everything they need on his time which is roughly 50/50 but quite child led so can vary.

I would stop sending them to his house immediately (if that is genuinely what the children want?)

He works 4 hours a week and cannot afford to take you to court. His wife clearly despises the fact that he has children with his ex, she will not pay a penny of her money fighting you in court to have access to the step-children she clearly does not want.

She will probably bombard you with legal letters, get a lawyer friend to do it for free, just to piss you off. But let’s be honest, if they are only providing the children with £30pm and won’t even buy school uniforms……… then they will not spend money fighting to have access to the children.

Never speak to the new wife ever again. Block her phone number and email address, block her on social media.

If the children don't want to visit, don't make them. Your ex will probably puff and blow and stamp his feet for a bit then i suspect not bother. Because he can't be bothered really, can he? Honestly, the road to hell is paved with these bloody men who don't fairly support their children.

Completely agree re taking her out of the equation. Block her and only deal with him from now on.

It isn't really outing anymore since without the messages the whole thread doesn't really make much sense. You can get the gist that ex and new wife don't want to provide uniform and ex pays a pittance to the OP for the children but that's it.

the basis of the 2 messages were

OP: can you buy uniform for child as the school is strict on uniform and they need to make sure you have spare

Ex's wife/girlfriend:
It is your obligation to supply everything for the child as you get maintenance and U.C. payments - its not our responsibility

no message from ex was present

this was in a WhatsApp message group which contained the three people; ex, ex dp and OP

@ciri If the wife is on MN she will see it and recognise it as her name is still being quoted by posters.

Much better to not use her name.

I agree it makes no sense to us. But it will to her...

I don’t believe for one minute that he is only working 4 hours per week.

Let’s say he could earn £2000pm. I don’t know how many nights the kids stay at his house so I can’t correctly say how much he would have to pay in CM. But let’s just pluck a random number and say that he would have to pay 25% of his earnings to his children in CM.

So by not working he is depriving his children (you in his eyes) of £500 pm.

But he would be screwing himself and his wife much more, because he is depriving them of £1500 pm.

Why would he do that? You just wouldn’t, however much you despised your ex.

Does he work in a profession where he can do cash in hand work? Does he have a mate with their own company that he could be working for on the sly?

I honestly would have him followed and try to get photographic evidence if he is working cash under the table.

I don’t think I have ever read anything on MN that has made my blood boil as much as this post. The wife is a family law solicitor…. I wonder if her employer and her clients know what an awful set up she allows in her own home. She should be struck off in my opinion. Sorry you are in this situation OP.

Is it possible that ex husband hasn't told his new wife how much (rather, how little) he pays in maintenance? Could he have lied to her and have her thinking he's paying loads?

There is no justification for her to be struck off. We don’t prevent people from being employed because they are arsey.

I totally agree with you.

I am now wondering if they children together in the new marriage, and she is of the opinion that those (her) children are the only ones that matter.

She does seem to be controlling this situation though from what OP has posted.