Dad doesn't work and expects me and government to pay for his children

[Sherb2024]

Hi,

I am so upset and cross about this
My ex husband works 4 hours a week and therefore provides £1 per day for his children (£30.30 per month) His wife who is a family law solicitor who deals with divorce and finances enables him not to work and they both believe the child allowance I receive pays for them. Obviously the money I get from him and child allowance no where near covers the costs of raising 2 children.
I don't think there is anything I can do to change this situation and they are both quite mean to me, and I struggle with this a lot. The children hate going and always have (we split up when I was pregnant with our 2nd child) and ask me sometimes how old they have to be until they can choose not to go. I believe this isn't until they are 16 (they are 10 & 8 now) Is there any advice or help on how I can cope with this situation as it's so emotionally draining?

This is awful. How can people be like this?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

As others have said I would stop sending them also. Also why is she doing the communicating?

You've had some good advice here.

I just can't believe someone smart enough to pass the bar exam thinks a child only needs one set of school uniform.

You have left so much personal info on this to be completely identifying. I think you probably know that she, or someone connected to her, will read this. And thus get the message that "The children hate going and always have".

Go you 👏👏👏👏😍

Technically, MNHQ redacted name is correct. The OP hasn’t said why her ex only works 4 hours. He could have a disability or be a SAHD. Of course, he could also have chosen not to work precisely to avoid paying CM. There are 1000s of mums who don’t work and are supported by their husbands.
We also don’t know why the dc are saying they don’t want to visit their DF. It could be down to parental alienation, or their DF is firmer with them than dm, or he makes them go to bed at an earlier time than their dm.
Why is it always the assumption that the dm is the good parent and the DF the bad one?
That’s the thing with an online forum - we only ever get to read about one side of the story.

What an awful awful woman and your ex is clearly a low life as well as a shit Father. The problem here is there is very little you can do if this is the way they are playing things. I would stop facilitating his relationship with his DC as that is up to him to maintain and I would 100% cut contact with her. Sadly you are not going to get any more money from them and so asking is going to make you more upset and frustrated. Wankers the pair of them.

Hi new wife.

OP I'd stop sending the children.

I agree with everything the others above have said. Remove yourself from that group chat. Block his new wife and speak only directly with the Father of your kids. Honestly, she sounds evil! As a Family/Divorce Lawyer she will know exactly how to play the system and screw you over at every opportunity.

How many days per week do the children spend at their Dads?

You absolutely do not have to provide clothing/supplies/Uniform for the time they are at their Dads. Refuse.

£30 bloody pounds a month. For 2 children. I’m absolutely furious on your behalf OP.

Is there any advice or help on how I can cope with this situation as it's so emotionally draining?

Yes, stop contact immediately, stop facilitating his relationship with the kids, it is the only way you can protect yourself here. The DC don't want to go, is there an contact order in place?

I stopped my kids going to their dads at the ages of 14 and 10, there’s no age limit if the can make their own choice and understand the consequences. In my case both my kids were being abused by their dad and step mum.
you say they are mean to the children? Dont sent them back, it will damage them.

As ithers have said. Leave the griup chat. Have no contact soth her. Send the children with nothing but the clothes on their back. Dont engage

Given the ex has a lawyer wife, I'd probably not go too extreme as it could backfire. It won't cost them much to sort out solicitors letters/court orders. Technically they are right that kids don't need 2 x blazers for example.

I think you need to be super strict OP and say, you will pay for clothes for kids for your days but not for theirs. So the kids don't come with clean shirts or spare trousers. Don't say anything aggressive back in messaging. Just don't drop the kids off with any spare clothes. If the kids go to school in dirty clothes, make a note and again say nothing. Then when you've built up a pattern or they say something to you then you can do something about it.
Although 16 may be an age when they can refuse, I think courts would take views into account from, say, 12 on. And ultimately when they get to that age you can't force them to go. So if ex turns up to pick them up, they can just say they don't want to go. Court can't force you to drag them out of the house ! All you can do is facilitate the contact.
Sorry OP this all sounds awful

Does child maintenance not take the new wife's earnings into account?

No

Ask mumsnet to remove. Say it’s because it is ‘outing’. Then repost without the personal details.

Can you get a second-hand uniform from the school? My son's school has school uniform sales. 20p for a shirt, £1 for a jumper, 75p for a tie, etc.

Of course not, why would it?

Hi Sherb,
We have removed the image for you now. Hoping that you can manage to improve your situation with the help of these wonderful MNers.

Lots of good advice OP.
Remember to keep screenshots / copies of all this so if you ever need to evidence how your children's needs aren't being met, you've got the evidence.

MNHQ redacted name is not correct and shouldn't even be part of the conversation as she isn't the children's third parent.

I don't know any SAHMs who have older children who don't live with them who they don't pay for. Being a SAHM who supports her husband to work and provide the income that they all live on is not remotely comparable to this situation, if indeed he is a SAHD to younger children he has with the new wife which there's no suggestion of. Only a feckless deadbeat would opt out of supporting his older kids in order to be a SAHD for the new ones. It's ridiculous to present that as a perfectly normal, understandable potential reason why he's not parenting or paying for the children he shares with OP.

He pays £30 a month for his kids and he's got his lawyer wife calling the shots for OP, who is picking up all of his financial and practical parenting slack. But sure. MN always takes the DM side for absolutely no reason 🙄

Op, MNHQ can just delete the photo from your post, no need to start a whole new post.

Someone has reported already so I’m sure they’ll do just that for you, don’t panic :)

Ex and new wife are cunts and I wouldn’t want to send my kids to them either. Sorry, how stressful for you!

MNHQ redacted name needs to fart her head right back out of her arse! “Not our obligation” who does she think she is?!
Her husband is the biological father and you don’t need a solicitor’s qualification to work out that he has or should have some responsibility (obligation) for his children.

I don’t think you are going to get them to pay for extra uniform based on that message. So if you don’t provide uniform your kids are going to have to just wear what they’ve got.

This is absolutely rubbish. Do they go from school to his house? Arrange for them to leave their blazer at school and travel to his house in basic school uniform. Do not provide changes of clothes.

Leave the WhatsApp group and only contact DH directly from a separate email account only to contact him.

Allow the children not to go to his house if they don’t want to . If he comes to your home , the children need to tell him that they don’t want to go so he can speak to them about it directly . Don’t be the middle man . If he shouts film it.

One thing I do strongly, strongly disagree about is not sending any clothes with the DC to their father's house.

Is it your ex's responsibility to provide for them? Yes. But I would not have my young kids potentially going to school in the wrong clothes or dirty clothes in order to make a point to my ex. My children's dignity and comfort comes before everything else and they aren't pawns to be used in an argument with another adult, regardless of who is right and wrong. If there's a situation where uniform is getting lost at their father's house or isn't being cleaned etc, I would see if there's an arrangement that can be made with school whereby a spare set of uniform is kept there and they get changed when they arrive, and then back into the clothes they arrived in if he is picking them up again that day. I wouldn't send them to their dad's with any uniform with this arrangement in place. Make sure any arrangements along these lines are documented in writing via email with the school.

Technically, MNHQ redacted name should fuck right off.