Household income

[MolsIH]

Hi ladies
Hubby earns a lot more than me and said he’s not happy with financial set up
He earns £4800 a month and I’m £2200

Currently All money goes into joint account and we take £500 each (equal) as disposable / treat ya self income

i’ve always moved the remainder money around to pay bills, mortgage and savings etc

he came to me today and said he feels controlled and that instead he wants to be paid ‘quote’ ‘HIS’ money into his own bank account and he’ll decide how much goes in for bills.

I’m so upset by this. He earns significantly more than me and it shouldn’t be him vs me. I see it as our money and I’ve been moving / taking care of the bills as he’s always not been interested.

how do others manage their money? X

To be honest I’m with him, although mumsnet seems to think it should be all in and there is some weird rule where you’re entitled to his money.

no way I’d take 500 from my wages and let my husband control the rest.

Do you have any inkling of what’s prompted this change from him?

FWIW, DH and I have a similar arrangement that you have described. The difference is that our wages are paid into our personal accounts and then we transfer to the joint leaving £500 each in our own. Currently DH is £4k to the joint pot and mine is £2.6k into joint account. Its changed over the years: 10 years ago DH was £2k into joint and I was £5.5k. We’re a financial team.

I do find it interesting how many Mumsnetters end up with men who earn 2 or 3 times what they do but think all the money should be in one pot. It's different when children are involved but otherwise it seems like a way to increase your income.

You need to find out why he wants to do that - to have more fun money or to have more input on how much you as a family spend on bills/general living/savings. Or a bit of both.
Having a joint approach on how much heating is put on, how often to go out for meals, how much to spend on kids parties and exactly how to save (bitcoins, ISA, investment property etc) sounds like a good idea.
People can have very different spending habits and if you guys are on different pages then it make more sense to get salaries in own accounts, pay in the bare minimum in the bills and general lives account. Then each of you can spend & invest how you feel like it.

He’s not even saying she can’t have the 500 just he shouldn’t be handing his money over to her and she controls it. I think that’s fair

I earn double, all goes in one account, we’re quite frugal these days, we spend what we’re like but doubt we ever get £500 off treats each. I certainly spend more than her.

Open up the conversation, find out why the change has happened.

Lots of people have the set up that they pay bills proportional to their income. Would this work? If you are doing it this way don’t forget to add a cost to any caring responsibilities that either of you take on meaning that you work reduced hours.

If you replicated what we do then you'd calculate your total expenses per month. Let's say £3k, then pay money into a joint account pro rata to cover them, he earns approx double what you do so he'd pay in £2k and you'd pay in £1k. He'd have more money left over to save/spend but you'd be each contributing fairly to the household.

It’s not his money - it’s theirs. They are a couple.

Your dh is telling you he feels financially controlled and I think it would be a mistake to not take that on board. It is reasonable for an adult to feel they have a say in how finances are managed. Perhaps he would prefer a system where you are both able to have individual savings pots. Or maybe he thinks someone earning £4800 a month should have more than £500 per month personal spends (I’d agree ). He’s probably now wondering where the other £4300 goes, especially when he hasn’t been interested previously. He’s allowed to be interested now though.

We do the same, although we each keep back a certain equal amount of money and then put the rest into the joint account- we earn a similar amount each. We decide together on how the joint money is spent or saved but our own share is ours to do what we like with. We always discuss any major purchases/expenses together to make sure that we can afford them but don’t worry about it on a day to day basis for small amounts. Have you been able to talk this through with your DH as to why his thinking has changed on this? Does he know what your financial commitments and monthly expenditure is and plans are for long term savings for the kids, retirement etc?

Did the conversation just stop dead at that point? No one can budget if he just puts in whatever he feels like each month, so is that really what he meant? It needs more discussion.

Is it that he wants to get a particular thing and feels he can afford it, but not on £500 per month? Does he feel you are spending too much on bills and it could be cheaper by shopping around? So many variables and so little to go on at the moment. Have a calm chat with him to find out what is the underlying driver of this. He might want to be doing more of the organising, so offer that too.

These type of threads tend to include posters who make universal declarations about 'how things should be'.

Different approaches suit different couples. The best approaches are those where both parties preferences are understood by each other, and where needed, a compromise is found that honours both preferences as far as possible.

Preferences can change over time, and so previously agreed approaches might need to be reviewed. Again, the goal should be try and find an approach that suits both - as far as possible.

I know a lot of couples where one party 'does the money' and the other has very little to do with this. In all cases, the person who has little to do with it has little to no interest. If they did want involvement but their partner didn't involve them, this would be a massive red flag. With the couples I know, the 'managers of the finances' vary in their attitude to the role. Done are resentful that they have to 'do it all', others are happy as they want to be on top of their finances. All are a bit flummoxed by their partner's lack of interest.

The most common ways of managing income within a couple are (I) combining all income into a joint account and from this paying bills and agreeing what to do with any surplus (2) keeping income separate and agreeing how bills will be split, which may or may not include agreed amounts going in to a joint account. Both can work well.

The most common ways of distributing income seem to be (1) splitting bills and planned shared savings 50/50 and each keeping the rest of their respective incomes (2) bills and shared savings being split in proportion to income (3) combining all income and not distinguishing between 'mine' and 'yours'.

Again, all can work but not everyone is happy with each of the options. Hopefully, OP, you can talk this through with your DH and find a way forward that works for both of you. The current system isn't working for him, so it does need reviewing.

@brainworm great post and I completely agree with everything you have said.

Depends if you have kids or not

We do ours proportional, so the higher earner has more spending money.

We each pay a set amount into our joint account for bills and the rest is for us to save/spend as we want

The issue is not the 500 each. The issue is the op controls all the money, she moves it about, gives him his allowance and she then makes all financial decisions pas this, moving money round, paying bills etc.

he is saying he feels controlled that she does this and he wants to manage his own money.

I am staggered she’s asking if it’s fair he gets to do that and she can’t keep managing his money for him.

How does that work on days out or holidays - you go on cheaper ones as the lower paid one of the couple wouldn’t be able to afford to contribute equally?
How much of a difference do you have in personal money?

I think your current approach is perfect, it is what we have done for years. I think though it is important to find out why he feels this way. I feel it's not his money but family money as there may be reasons your salary is lower due to breaks for children etc.
ask yourself are you controlling? Could he have £1000 a month? Has he asked for expensive thing and you've vetoed it?
He may feel like a child asking for money which could be hard if you know you earn a good whack?
Or there could be something else going on, how is your relationship?

Big stuff is split proportional. So if we go on holiday, i pay 60% of the cost and he pays 40%.

Days out we pay for ourselves, it's each of our choices how much we save, or what we spend the money we have earnt each month.

The point is we are each adults and responsible for our own money.

Yes, we do the same as you and it's a system that's seen us through lots of different earning combinations without argument.

It's not controlling for one person to manage bills if the other person is happy with that. It's just another chore. I do the bills, my husband always does the dishwasher, no big deal.

Particularly if you have kids, I'd be wary of a system where he randomly decides how much he's going to pay towards the household expenses. Sounds like you and the kids would be the poor relations and that would have bigger consequences for your relationships than the current system.

Oh and split in personal money, i probably have about £500 a month more than him, which i usually save, or i'll decide to pay for a day trip, or aomething for the kids or whatever. Some months he gets a bonus and he'll pay for a trip out.

My view is if he wants more money then he has options to go and earn more quite easily, but he chooses not to. I have progressed in my career

We have children with a significant nursery bill to fund
I’m also part time and care for our children on those days

Do your bills cost £6000 to only have £500 each ?
If I was earning 4800 a month and only got 500 spends I'd be feeling abit miffed too.

Compromise. Both put an additional £200 in a joint account so as a couple with children there is some financial cushioning and the rest keep as your own.