Household income

[MolsIH]

Hi ladies
Hubby earns a lot more than me and said he’s not happy with financial set up
He earns £4800 a month and I’m £2200

Currently All money goes into joint account and we take £500 each (equal) as disposable / treat ya self income

i’ve always moved the remainder money around to pay bills, mortgage and savings etc

he came to me today and said he feels controlled and that instead he wants to be paid ‘quote’ ‘HIS’ money into his own bank account and he’ll decide how much goes in for bills.

I’m so upset by this. He earns significantly more than me and it shouldn’t be him vs me. I see it as our money and I’ve been moving / taking care of the bills as he’s always not been interested.

how do others manage their money? X

Tell him you are also going to decide how much you want to pay towards bills.

Decide what you need for bills
Pay equal in to cover your own halves
Keep the rest.
You use the same amenities yet he seems to be putting a lot more in.

Another option is swap
He takes all your money bar the £500 deals with all the bills and expenses.

OP is he also suggesting that he will decide how much he contributes to the nursery costs?

in my view when you’re raising kids together and your earning potential has been compromised by being a carer for your children at least some of the time, then all money should be treated as family money.

does he want to buy more things / spend more on himself and doesn’t feel he has enough?

when you do the family finances - totting up how much you need to cover all bills and costs each month, ask him whether he sees these costs being shared equally between you or whether he will pay proportionally more as the higher earner.

Two things. First, £500 seems like a lot to me! But then maybe you really need to look at what you’re respective definitions of fun money is. Are clothes fun? In our house that comes out of a joint account as we can’t go round naked. But neither have a taste for designer wear so we are closely matched. Are you sure you are closely matched on fun vs needs?

Second, are you moving money out of joint accounts into a personal one to pay bills? I wouldn’t like that if my husband did that but you can have a second joint account just so there is visibility. That’s what we do, other than ISAs and premium bonds but we show each other the amounts every few months so it’s never a secret. It’s also on the person who controls the account to show the other. That way the person not in control never feels like they have to ask to see what is being held in trust for the team.

Also, bugger him deciding how much he’s going to pay unilaterally. You can’t just opt out of paying your mortgage with you spouse and not have it blow up your marriage.

But why should OP control it?

I think this is a bit weird @MolsIH

We split our bills, agree a joint savings plan and put the relative amount each into a savings account and a joint currenr account and then the rest is for us to manage independently. I can understand why your DH might want to rethink the plan. Suggest you have a conversation with him about how you budget effectively and ensure you are covering your bills as a couple, and then look after your own finances including any savings just for you that you want to make.

Why not just try putting all your money together and not having separate spending accounts? When he has more available to him and access to everything he might feel happier with that. It's not fair to not have him involved completely/just giving him £500 and you sorting the rest isn't good, I can see his point.

We have shared spending account, shared bills account and then shared savings. There's no mine and yours it's just ours.

Like others, we’ve always had a proportional split to cover all household costs (which would include childcare, kids activities), holidays/days out, family memberships, birthdays and Christmas costs, food etc, contigency fund for repairs/ upgrades, some shared savings, and so on. We have divided responsibilities for shopping around when contracts need amending (so he does internet, I do utilities, for example), and shared responsibility for large purchases. Beyond that money is our own to spend or save as we see fit.

I would very much hate someone else to be in control of my money or to be responsible for someone else’s. My husband, who hates financial admin, would have been delighted to leave it all to me, but sod that.

Agreed.
OP your setup should be simple. £500 to personal each and then everything else paid out of the joint.
If you're needing to move money around (other than savings) then what was the point of having a joint in the first place?

DH and I pay an agreed amount into the joint for bills but we also have a joint credit card (ok well I am secondary but I have the login details to see everything for his). At the end of the month we pay half the CC bill each.

Fully transparent.

He's been a dick.

If you are a family you share your resources.

I'm the higher earner in our family and wouldn't behave this way.

It’s only their money if he wants his salary treated in that way. And evidently he doesn’t anymore. It is possible to have financial independence within a marriage.

Would she be being a dick if she complained about him taking £1700 (or even £4300) of her wages to do with as he sees fit?

She said in OP savings too
Because you have a high income doesn't mean you need to spend your whole disposable income.

Slightly different as I don't work but my partner brings home £2200 a month and we get around £1900 in benefits. All the money gets paid into one account which all the bills and mortgage come out of too. I spend anything left over on whatever I want really. Some months I'll spend a lot on various bits and bobs and things for the kids and others not much at all. He does the same. Anything beyond that goes into savings. He doesn't give a stuff as long as everything important is paid at the end of the day. It would be the exact same if we both worked and didn't claim benefits even if our salaries were drastically different.

I’m the lower earner and have been with DH for nearly 20 years happily. No plans to leave. I would be extremely uncomfortable with a family pot approach. I like the independence of having my own money. We roughly split bills proportionate to net income and keep our own money. I pay slightly less than proportionate because I do more round the house - his days are longer and he often travels.

When we go out he pays 90% of the time or I’ll get coffee and he’ll get dinner. He pays for holidays.

our incomes are VERY different so he is very protective of my money not being ‘wasted’ on him and having enough for myself.

I have the time, he has the money. It works for us.

If he isn't happy with the arrangement then you can discuss it and should possibly change it.

However it's ridiculous to suppose he can just 'decide' how much he pays towards bills. Bills are what they are and you need a joint agreement as to how to cover them.

You may find that it's because he is finding the £500 doesn't cover what he wants to buy personally, and / or because he doesn't like not really understanding where the money is going. These are the kind of things it may be possible to address without completely changing the way you do things.

Make sure he doesn't end up landing you with all the joint costs of childcare while he lives in luxury.

We have a separate account that the mortgage and bills go out of and we put 50% each into it. If there’s any money left, we decide together what to spend it on (tbh not much left over these days due to the CoL).

I earn marginally more so I tend to spend more on stuff like the house and garden etc (I like gardening) but my OH runs a car for both of us. I don’t ever drive it tbh but I benefit from having one.

Tbh I’m not sure how I’d feel if I was told to hand over all my wages over bar the ‘spending money’. I don’t think I’d like that at all.

DH and I have a similar system to yours OP, as in salaries and bonuses and any gifts from my DPs go into the joint pot, and we each get some spending money, except DH is the one who does the fiddling around with the bills because he likes swapping providers.

Your DH was presumably involved at the conception of your joint DCs, so he must get the notion that he is equally responsible for their care and upbringing wether that be financially and/or impacting on his own career prospects by working reduced hours.

I would firstly talk to him, calmly if you can and see where this has come from. A solution may be to swop the roles, so he becomes the finance director in the house. If he continues to want separate finances then I would tell him that you are going back to full time work as soon as possible and all childcare costs will be split, plus he does 50/50 of all chores including drop offs and pick ups of DCs.

OP, I'd be wondering why now all of a sudden, and I'd be figuring out how to go back to work full time. Could you manage staying in the family home or buying something yourself in the event of a split? I feel there is something going on here. It might just be resentment about money, maybe he feels you have an easy part time life and he does equal childcare and housework to you as he works 5 days and does that at the weekend while you work 3 days, do childcare and housework for 2 and have free time at the weekends. I'd imagine that's unlikely though...

Definitely suggest this to him. If he agrees, sit him down to do a 'handover' - all the details of utility accounts, online passwords, savings, direct debits, the lot.

Does the thought freak you out? If so, is it because you a) don't trust him with money or b) have controlling tendencies.

If he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of managing all the finances, you need to get to the bottom of what he wants. Have a conversation. Or several conversations.

Perhaps he would feel better if you each had your salaries paid into your own accounts, then both set up standing orders to each transfer an agreed amount into the joint account.
If this is done proportionally as others have described, so you each pay a % of your income, it means he will end up with more 'spending' money than you. If so, make it clear you expect him to treat you now and then, e.g. you won't always be able to pay half for meals out, take-aways, etc.
Do you trust him to be generous and honest?

@MolsIH your issue isn’t the distribution of the income. That’s a consequence of the main issue.

And your main issue is that your dh seems to think it’s enough to declare it doesn’t work for him and that HE will decide how much he puts in.
All I imagine wo having any idea of how much things cost. Stuff like nursery, food shop etc….
Because you have been the one dealing with it all. From doing all the buying/paying/organising.

There is no team work in that declaration at all. Nothing about how he feels somehow unhappy and he’d like to revisit the way you pay bills.
There is nothing about how the way you’ve organised your life as a family impacts your finances (eg you could wft, have an income similar to his but you’d need to pay nursery full time too. And he’d have to step up at home - eg with hw - and take on half of the sick days etc…
I truly believe that no decision around finances can be done wo taking the ‘environment’ (who works how much and why) into account. Otherwise you end up in a situation where women still do the lion’s share of all the parenting, housekeeping etc…, are berated for not earning as much as AND are the one worrying about the end if the month/having no money for themselves.
Thats not ok.

You need a discussion.
IF your dh can actually behave like a mature adult, you need to discuss why he is frustrated at the arrangement like it is. Does it feel that there isn’t enough discussion on money is spent? Does he feel out of the loop? Is he frustrated he can’t do as much as he’d like (eg spend on his hobbies or going away).
Review what your goals are (eg are you saving for something specific). What he believes should happen etc…
It will tell you a lot about your dh, his aspirations and how he sees the world. It might be very positive (or very negative).

Fwiw if my husband started to declare that I’m controlling and HE will decide how much he pays into the pot, I’d be putting my ducks in a row pretty sharp ish. Starting with going back wft.
1- because that’s pretty controlling in itself. You can be you’ll be the one running around to make meets end or begging for more money.
2- because I’d assume he is checking out of the relationship if he isn’t even trying to resolve the issue as a team. But just I losing whatever he wants.

I think you need to go to back to full-time work. If that increases your nursery cost so be it.

I agree with your DH.

I think I’m in a minority on MN but I don’t really agree with the one pot for all family money rule.

A woman on a low income with a high earning DH is always encouraged on these boards to ensure her DH puts all his money into the the family pot. Anything less is financial abuse. There is a widely held view on these boards that a man with children who earns a high salary ‘owes’ his wives (and particularly if she is a SAHM) because his successful career wouldn’t have been possible without her.

Women on the other hand are encouraged to keep a separate, secret bank account with their own money. A man on a low income who lives with a high earning woman and wants access to her money in a family pot is a grasping cocklodger and she must get rid asap.

The wonderful contradiction that is MN.