Should my sons dad still pay towards upkeep for son whilst he is at local University and still living with me?

[Jaczacmum]

My Ex promised to keep paying maintenance for our son whilst he is at University. My son attends a local Uni and still lives with me.
Ex is now saying he is going to stop paying me when my son is 20 in a few month’s time, although he will still have over a year to go at Uni.
He doesn’t give my son any spending money or pay anything towards his Uni fees.
He states that because cost of living has gone up he needs to pay his girlfriend (who he lives with in her house) more money. So essentially taking the money from us to pay her, saying that I can afford to do without it.
He has never paid the amount of maintenance he should have for my son, paying only £100 per month for a few years, and then for the last 5, since meeting and moving in with his girlfriend has paid £160 per month.
I never took him to court over this as I didn’t want the hassle, but obviously he should have been paying far more.
Am I right to be annoyed that he is now saying he won’t pay anything towards our son’s upkeep?

Presumably your son has a job? So I don't think that your ex has been unreasonable.

No, he is full time at University, no job. Lives with me so I pay for his keep etc.

Your DS is an adult. He will -presumably - be in receipt of a student loan, which he should be using to pay towards his keep. Any money his father provides would go to him, not you.

Surely, your ex should have been giving the money to his son directly and not to you. Sounds like your son needs to get a job. Many many students study full time and work as well.

Does he get summer jobs?

You're surprised he’s prioritising his partner who he lives with over his ex? That’s a bit odd don’t you think? Your son is an adult, your ex could have stopped contributing anything when he left school. Anything you’ve had since is a bonus. Your son should ask his dad for money if he needs it and he can give that to you towards his costs under your roof if he chooses to. Alternatively he gets a job like millions of other students. You never needed to go to court about child support, you could have used the CMS, but you didn’t and that ship has now sailed.

That’s entirely you choice.

No. If a parent provides financial help for an adult child at university, it should go directly to the child. Your son will have student loans for cost of living too.

I think your son should pay you keep from his student loan (and he should also have a part-time and holiday job). I don't think his Dad should be paying maintenance to you.

However, I do think that his Dad should be giving his son something to help with Uni costs (as should you as his Mum).

So I guess in a round about way, I think that your DS Dad, and you as his Mum should still be responsible for paying something towards DS. DS should be managing it though, should absolutely be working alongside his course and learning to manage his money independently.

To be honest you were incredibly fortunate to get anything beyond him leaving School. I have 2 dc at Uni, also divorced and Ex doesn't give either of them a penny despite earning 6 figures. Your DS presumably still gets a loan so should use this and also plenty of PT jobs available.

More fool you for not taking the maintenance via the formal route, my ex hated my guts for doing that as he wanted to carry on paying a minimal amount but eventually had to cough several hundred pounds each month but it was money the DC were entitled to.

Why should they give him money to help him out if he lives at home and also claims a loan? Presumably he is living rent free with food included, he can work for anything above and beyond this like most 20 year olds at Uni have to.

If you are paying for his keep until he's done his finals, so should his father. Tell him no, the agreement is that you both finance him through uni and that means until he has done his final exam. He knows you will be paying for food and accommodation for your son so why does he think he shouldn't? He has joint financial responsibility. After uni is a different matter.

Your son needs to get a job! 🤦‍♀️

Not true! There is no ruling that obliges the NRP to continue making payments when the child is at university.

If the OP is paying for his keep until he's done his finals that is her choice... The DS is an adult. The only person responsible for him is himself.

Well he needs to cut that shit out. Full time uni doesn't stop plenty of people finding part time work.

I agree it's shit that his costs are still your burden, but he's an adult and needs to start funding his own life.

Well of course he should but he doesn't have to.

I gave my kids an allowance the whole way through uni but that's because I actually like my kids not like most of the people on MN

He should contribute. In lots of other countries including the USA he'd be required to. He doesn't have to though in the UK. It's bullshit and no decent parent would behave this way towards their child but sadly not all parents are decent and in this country it's not a policy priority to have non resident parents support their kids.

I'm sorry OP.

It looks like you and your son are going to have to manage this one between yourselves.

As a priority I would contact council tax and see what they can do. For the rest, just try to cut down on living expenses. Maybe your son could get work this summer coming up? I wouldn't be looking at having him work during his final year unless absolutely necessary - it's a short term issue that could have longer term ramifications for him if he doesn't do so well.

Poor DS. What a twat his father is.

You have not been incredibly fortunate AT ALL! 😬

What are some posters thinking?!

YOU are supporting your son and always have.

Your ex has been a very poor provider. £100 a month?! That is extremely cheap and he should be ashamed of himself and still trying to get out of providing as the father of his own child.

You however are the hero here. What would that kid have done without you?

I would ask your son to start contributing more as its a fact of life that he needs to help and tell him exactly why.

Good luck OP and enjoy more freedom and contributions next year when he starts earning! Yippee 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Some degrees are too full on and some expressly prohibit getting a job.
I imagine the OP's DS is doing a degree like that.

Anyway, people generally do support their kids at university to the best of their ability. If they are absolutely not able to, then that's fair enough. But if they are able to and choose not to, that's very different and quite a strange choice to make.

Whilst your ex isn't obligated to help, he is most certainly obligated to live with the consequences of not helping.

OPs son will be entitled to less loan because he lives at home and the government assumes she will be paying towards his upkeep.

He needs a holiday job. I didn't work term time but used my holiday to work in a factory.

Why 'presumably'? Many uni courses are too intensive to work as well.

I think your son should pay you keep from his student loan (and he should also have a part-time and holiday job). I don't think his Dad should be paying maintenance to you.

My understanding is that students living at home get a reduced maintenance loan because bills etc presumably are already paid for in the parents' household expenses. So he could give you some of it towards his food costs but the rest should be for his own university expenses such as travel, books or equipment costs, printing costs, clothes, social life etc.

I agree, though, that his Dad shouldn't be paying maintenace directly to you. It's just your son's choice that he lives with you. But his dad could certainly be paying top ups on his student load towards travel or clothes etc.

Your son is an adult now. It’s more than reasonable that he gets a part time job around uni hours to fund himself.

Agreed !