Should my sons dad still pay towards upkeep for son whilst he is at local University and still living with me?

[Jaczacmum]

My Ex promised to keep paying maintenance for our son whilst he is at University. My son attends a local Uni and still lives with me.
Ex is now saying he is going to stop paying me when my son is 20 in a few month’s time, although he will still have over a year to go at Uni.
He doesn’t give my son any spending money or pay anything towards his Uni fees.
He states that because cost of living has gone up he needs to pay his girlfriend (who he lives with in her house) more money. So essentially taking the money from us to pay her, saying that I can afford to do without it.
He has never paid the amount of maintenance he should have for my son, paying only £100 per month for a few years, and then for the last 5, since meeting and moving in with his girlfriend has paid £160 per month.
I never took him to court over this as I didn’t want the hassle, but obviously he should have been paying far more.
Am I right to be annoyed that he is now saying he won’t pay anything towards our son’s upkeep?

Er, my DD worked 16-20 hours a week in a supermarket ( weekends or evenings) on top of " full time uni" .... As did nearly all her friends.

Your son needs to get a job OP. My eldest has worked since she was 14. Through school, through uni. You’re doing him no favours at all.

imagine he leaves uni and can’t get a job in that field OR decides to do more courses in a different field? He is not a child he is a grown man. Let him be one.

Well, it is the household income of the 'resident parent' that student loans are worked out on, not the non-resident parent. That would be the same if the student lived with their Dad.

But the point is here, neither of them should be 'paying for the ds's keep' - his student loan does that, and he himself makes decisions about how much he wants to spend and balances that against how much he chooses to go out and ear.

All three of mine worked Christmas, Easter and through the summer. That was a given.

@NewName24 but university isn’t 52 weeks. So student loan doesn’t cover the whole year. Most parents have to financially help students, even if students get a job. Why does the mum have to shoulder this cost? Even if the student uses university accommodation there is about a third of the year where they need to live, which is usually deemed to be mum’s. So dad can sit back and have no financial burden, not having to house their adult child and not having to help them at university

Well, exactly, so all those weeks he isn't at University are weeks when he can be working full time, like students across the country do.
No, not all, but plenty do, and certainly all those from families on a budget.

This young person has two parents. One is expected to contribute to his living costs while at university, the other isn't. There is no way that this is an equitable set-up.

Your ex vastly underpaid but the time to deal with that was back then when you had the possibility of going via CMS or negotiating a higher payment informally. I can see why you feel hard done by but you also chose not to tackle it at the time from what you say.

In the now, neither of you should be funding your son- he can work PT and more in holidays and pay you his keep.

That said I do get that many parents continue to support their kids whilst at uni even those able to apply for burseries and full loans but that is not always feasible and your son should not rely on it and should be willing to finance himself.

I don’t think your ex is necessarily unreasonable to say he can’t keep paying for him but I can obviously see it’s hard for you to accept that when you probably feel less able to just cut off the final support given your son lives with you and you are undoubtedly many thousands of pounds worse off for having been sole provider of your son.

My kids all had jobs whilst at university.

To expand- it has done them all the world of good. They’ve developed a work ethic; expanded their CVs; earned money, and it’s also helped them to decide on future careers.

That said I do get that many parents continue to support their kids

Do you? Because the reason they do so is that that is how higher education funding is set up. It is expected that parents continue to provide a home at least in the vacations. It's expected that they financially contribute. If they didn't, the model wouldn't work. Even with that there are shortfalls all over the place both in terms of living costs (the maximum loan doesn't cover these anywhere in the country) and in terms of tuition fees (again these don't cover the cost of providing tuition and haven't for some years hence so many universities being in financial trouble). By continuing to provide a home for her son OP is doing what is expected of her and if she and every other parent around the country failed to do this the entire system would fall apart.

He isn't mollycoddled or pampered - this is how funding works.

How it also works is that the father doesn't have to do a damn thing about any of it. Even if OP had gone to CMS and even if CMS had actually done their job as they should (a long shot) they wouldn't be able to do anything about now. It's all on her, which is absolute bullshit.

@NewName24 DS works but his maintenance loan doesn’t cover his rent. Obviously OP’s DC gets less loan whilst living at home, but that only covers the time he is at university.

I don’t know many parents who charge their kids rent in the university holidays. So OP is having to cover costs of him living with her whilst dad doesn’t have to cover anything. DS earns in the holiday to cover his costs at university. He has a full on course so can’t really work term time.

OP is also expected to be able to physically house him during the holidays whilst dad doesn’t necessarily have to have a house that has a room for him. Again this can save him money

Unfortunately, student access to finance isn't calculated that way. Living costs are estimated to be around £15-£20K depending on location. Students can get a maintenance loan of c.£4.5K minimum to c.£10K max depending on their parents' income - so there is the strong expectation that parents will make up the difference to at least the £10K. Not unreasonable to expect the student to do some part-time/holiday work to make up the difference - with the caveat that some unis expressly forbid term-time working and some courses, e.g. medicine, dentistry, engineering are so full-on with daytime and evening work that a part-time job isn't possible. OP, I think your ex should be contributing to his kids - it sounds like there is some back pay due too!

Whilst I understand a lot of you are saying DS should get a job, and whilst I agree that he should have, we live in an area where it is very difficult to get a part time job, believe me he has tried. Going in to his 3rd year of a Law degree in September I think it will be hard to work alongside that. BUT, the point I raised wasn’t about whether DS should be working but whether it fair for my ex to renege on an agreement that he would still contribute £160 per month to his keep whilst at Uni.
As others have pointed out, a student loan doesn’t cover the half of what it would cost for DS to have gone to another city to study. As parents we both would be expected to contribute. We all agreed, so that DS didn’t get into horrendous debt by taking a full maintenance loan on top of the tuition fee loan, and so we didn’t have to pay considerably more to help him, he would stay at home and we would cover his keep. And yes, as a few pointed out, I am feeling hard done by as I should have had at least double what I received for the last 6 or 7 years in maintenance. I won’t go into why I didn’t pursue more but the reasons weren’t that he couldn’t afford it.
I am not in a highly paid job, and already lost a small Universal Credit payment when DS went to Uni. This will make a difference to me and my DS. And no, ex’s circumstances haven’t changed, he still works, and his partner works.

Why is it mum who is expected to still house her DS, and dad gets away scot free?

Surely nobody is expected. He's an adult, it's a choice to have him living there now. He could live at university.

I think if a DC wants to live at home during university years they need to contribute. There's literally no excuse in the world that I would accept for not getting a job. A lot of students have to work alongside full-time university to make ends meet.

Of course it's not unreasonable that ex-DH should contribute something, but that's not to the parent, that should be to the DC.

One of my own DC will be leaving with my ex-husband while at uni, but they work, and will contribute something, and I will support them while they are at uni. (Not giving them "spending money" that's ridiculous for an adult, but will support with things they need - tech purchases, books, travel passes, food etc while at uni).

You can be annoyed about not having had the right maintenance over the years but that really was on you OP. You should have gone through CMS. There's no point letting that eat you up now.

@CandiedPrincess even if the student lived at university, that's only term time, and for some universities that can be under 30 weeks, so still a large amount of time at home.

DS only gets minimum loan due to our income, so he is penalised because of us. His loan doesn't cover his rent, never mind anything else. So as parents we are expected (by the Government, as others have said that is how the funding is set up) to help with the shortfall. DS has a part-time job in the holidays and also had it during sixth form, so had amassed some savings before starting his first year, so hasn't needed much of a contribution from us this year. He will work again this summer to help fund next year, but we expect that we will need to help with some finances going forward as his saving pot has been diminished.

But I will not expect him to buy food, pay keep whilst he is home in the holidays as the money he is earning is for when he is at university. His degree is full on so we don't expect/want him to work term-time

“Not giving them "spending money" that's ridiculous for an adult, but will support with things they need - tech purchases, books, travel passes, food etc while at uni).”

Errr… money for those IS “spending money”, isn’t it?

I need understand all the 'get a job' brigade for uni students.
Timetables are different every week and students need to be available for lectures etc from 8am to 8 pm Monday to Friday.
In this students case he lives at home, but tat is unusual. Not many employers,unless in a tourist area, wants an employee only in holidays or only in termtime

Hi OP, I think his dad is being rubbish and not supporting his son to get a great qualification and do the best he can possibly do. But then, the dad has also failed to support his son adequately while growing up so it's not surprising. I hope your son gets a great degree and a great job. You are being the best parent you can be and I'm sure he appreciates it.

Sons friends who had jobs in supermarkets here bounced back and forth for years between universities town and home.

Many lectures are now on you tube which is the norm nowadays. Unless you do studio, workshop stuff, so much more is online freeing up students for term work.

You must have been at university pre covid.

I think there are a lot of naive people on this thread who seem to think that once a child turns 18 and heads off to uni that’s it, the parent has no more financial responsibility for him.

If you earn above a certain amount the dc won’t be entitled to a student loan.

If they go to a uni away from home the parents will be forking out towards accommodation.

Some degrees don’t have the capacity to get a job e.g. my DN is studying medicine and it is a full time degree with no time for a job or he would have one.

And there are even some uni’s and courses e.g. Cambridge which don’t allow students to work as well as study.

I don’t know a single person whose children have gone to uni where it hasn’t cost them.

And while the OP’s ex maybe shouldn’t be giving her maintenance as such, I think that washing your hands of your child once they leave school and goes off to uni makes you a pretty shit parent.

My son 23 in July completed his degree two years ago. Application for loans to do his masters, it's means tested on our income still!!

Thank you so much for your kind words. Surely we all as parents want to do the best for our children, whether they be 2 or 20, they are still finding their way in the world and I will continue to support him as best I can. And, yes, he does appreciate it, thanks x

Wow, really? It's ridiculous isn't it?

Unfortunately this is the reality of divorce 🤷🏼‍♂️

It very much suits the NRP to imagine that children magically cost nothing the second they turn 18.

Whereas there is ongoing help they need until they have stable jobs and accommodation. Driving lessons, rental deposit, food, clothes, dental. Obviously the 'child' will contribute if possible but unless they join the army or get married to a rich man at 18 they are not yet financially stable.