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Original poster

Boyfriend trying to get off Exs mortgage

112 replies

Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:24

Just after some advice if anybody has been through similar??. Been with my partner two years. He split from his wife about a year and a half before we met. So they've been separated 3 and a half years. He's still been paying half the bills and mortgage for the house since he left. Which is leaving him with nothing every month after paying his mortgage, her mortgage and both bills . He's tried speaking to her about coming off their mortgage. He's offered to walk away with nothing to come off it. Even though he's done a lot to the old house it has come to the point that he will just walk away to get his name off it. She's refusing. Saying she's been to lenders who won't give her a mortgage on her own and that if she takes his name off her and their daughter will be homeless. ( He would never see his daughter homeless as he would take her in.. and his exes parents help her out with money as they're well off so they would never see his ex homeless either )... Has anybody been through this and is there any options without going to solicitors?? Obviously they come to a pretty high price which to be fair.. neither of them can afford solicitors fees. He just wants his name off the mortgage and to walk away from the house. Any ideas ? We don't live together so how money doesn't affect me but it's affecting him every month.

OP posts:
orangeleavesinautumn · 21/07/2023 08:48

Is he paying child maintenance as well? because otherwise he is just going to swap the mortgage for maintenance with out costs.

How is he taking in his daughter a solution to making her and her mother homeless? He doesn't have custody, from what you are saying

stayathomegardener · 21/07/2023 08:48

Cross post @HeddaGarbled

Original poster
Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:48

HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2023 08:47

He would never see his daughter homeless as he would take her in

If either of you genuinely think this is the answer to the problem, then you have both had an empathy bypass. You think it would be OK to make the mother of his child homeless and then take her child off her because she’s homeless?

This married couple need to get divorced and reach a proper financial arrangement, which will involve the division of assets and paying of maintenance. He won’t necessarily need to do it through a solicitor but he does need to do some serious research and work through the legal process correctly.

Just Google how to divorce and how to settle finances in a divorce. The information is all out there.

Mum wouldn't be homeless either. She would move in with her parents and save up. ( Which they have offered before and she declined )

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 21/07/2023 08:48

If she doesn't earn enough to get a mortgage alone then the only way to get him off the mortgage is for the house to be sold. If the ex gets 100% of the equity her income may be enough to buy a small place in a shittier area solo. But that has to be done as part of a full settlement. Divorce is expensive but your boyfriend clearly does have money if he is managing to pay 1.5 mortgages. They need to work out a fair split and then adjust they lifestyles according to their means. Meanwhile, OP, think carefully about whether to enmesh your life with this man. I suspect the main reason he is avoiding the formalities of divorce is because he knows full well that his ex is entitled to a larger chunk of the assets than he wants to give. His treatment of you may not be any better a few years down the line

Original poster
Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:50

stayathomegardener · 21/07/2023 08:47

"He would never see his daughter homeless as HE WOULD TAKE HER IN"
I dump this guy on that statement alone, he can't force his ex into a sale and swipe his daughter. The ex needs appropriate housing provision to continue living with her child.

Hopefully I've completely misunderstood the situation and apologies if so.

Sorry it may be the way I'm writing things. Their child is 16 and still in school. The mum wouldn't be homeless as her parents would let her and their granddaughter stay there whilst she saves. They have offered before but she declined.

OP posts:
Cornflowers35 · 21/07/2023 08:51

Surely he would need to contribute towards maintenance for the child?

Which if he can afford a 2nd mortgage surely he can. And if he had the money for a deposit on a 2nd property and the income to justify a 2nd mortgage, he could well find he loses more than just "his share in the original home".

I'm sorry but I'm also a little concerned by your phrase that he would never see his daughter homeless, he would take her in.

So he would see the mother homeless and take her daughter from her.

I don't know enough about the mum's circumstances to say where she needs to step up, increased hours at work, new better paying job, yes selling and downsizing, but I would agree they both need to finalise matters.

Would mediation not work for the majority of agreeing a settlement?

GardeningIdiot · 21/07/2023 08:51

If you settle for a man who thinks like this, then good luck to you...

"(He would never see his daughter homeless as he would take her in.. and his exes parents help her out with money as they're well off so they would never see his ex homeless either.)"

BungalowBuyer · 21/07/2023 08:56

They need to start divorce proceedings, it's not a good idea to try to split assets without a divorce and a consent order to make it legally binding.

If the stb exW can't afford to buy him out (or take over paying the mortgage with him staying on the mortgage until the dd is 18 and sell then) the house needs to be sold and she needs to find something she can afford.

A clean break divorce is nearly always preferable.

Beeonmyeyelash · 21/07/2023 08:56

Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:33

She can't afford to buy him out. Just trying to find advice on how he can come off the mortgage without serious solicitor fees.

You're not listening. He can't "come off the mortgage". It is a debt and has to be paid back. There's 3 options.

  1. him and ex continue to pay it.
  2. ex gets a mortgage by herself, that money is used to pay off the current mortgage.
  3. the house is sold, that money is used to pay off the mortgage.

Those are the only choices. Option 3 would be best for him if she can't do option 2.

How they split the equity (the money from the sale of the house that's left over after the mortgage is paid off) is up to them, he could see a solicitor if there's other marital assets and he's thinking of divorcing, but he's likely to be entitled to half of the equity.

The solicitors fees related to the sale of the house can be paid from the equity. If he doesn't take any of the equity I imagine he'd still be liable for half the solicitors fees, as he co-owns the house with ex.

Azaeleasinbloom · 21/07/2023 08:57

The ex had a 16 year old daughter, so is clearly an adult. Why would you and BF think sending her back to her parents is a good solution?

Op, seems like you are doing the legwork for him. Tell him to sort this out, divorce , financial settlement, and pay attention yo how he does it. As pp said, it will give you a clue as to how your own relationship will go.

Think you could find better.

YukoandHiro · 21/07/2023 08:58

Start divorce proceedings using a lawyer.

He'll likely have to force her to sell if she can't afford to buy him out. It won't be a nice time, but it's better to get it sorted.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 21/07/2023 08:59

He needs to start divorce proceedings.
Seperate from that, he could start legal proceedings to force the sale of the home but it sounds like it would be more sensible to sort out finance with the divorce.

Original poster
Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 09:00

Cornflowers35 · 21/07/2023 08:51

Surely he would need to contribute towards maintenance for the child?

Which if he can afford a 2nd mortgage surely he can. And if he had the money for a deposit on a 2nd property and the income to justify a 2nd mortgage, he could well find he loses more than just "his share in the original home".

I'm sorry but I'm also a little concerned by your phrase that he would never see his daughter homeless, he would take her in.

So he would see the mother homeless and take her daughter from her.

I don't know enough about the mum's circumstances to say where she needs to step up, increased hours at work, new better paying job, yes selling and downsizing, but I would agree they both need to finalise matters.

Would mediation not work for the majority of agreeing a settlement?

I will be showing him these over the weekend. Mediation sounds good for both of them. He already had his mortgage from before they were together. So when he moved out of their home he moved back into it

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/07/2023 09:01

Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:34

She said a few months ago that she can't afford the mortgage on her own because of her work car.... He mentioned giving it back to work and she said no lol

How does the work car affect things?

Original poster
Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 09:01

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2023 09:01

How does the work car affect things?

Show quote history

It's on finance

OP posts:
CatchHimDerry · 21/07/2023 09:10

“He already had his mortgage from before they were together”

This is why he’s avoiding a divorce. She may well be entitled to a share of this house as well and he knows it

All the other PP are correct.

It doesn’t need to be complicated it just needs to be fair, and he can’t avoid this forever

Easyontheeyes · 21/07/2023 09:13

It’s difficult and messy getting a divorce but he needs to get legal advice and start proceedings. Yes the house might have to be sold (mine was and I had two small dc) but it’s not the end of the world. How much equity is in the home do you know?

Beeonmyeyelash · 21/07/2023 09:15

Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 09:01

It's on finance

Show quote history

This makes no sense. If it's a "works car" it belongs to the employer, it's their finance not hers!

So your BF owns one home and half-owns another? Both are marital assets. The ex is entitled to 50% of marital assets usually. Pensions are marital assets too, so are savings or cars belonging to either of them. Debts eg bank loans/overdraft etc are likely to be a sort of minus-figure marital asset, regardless of who's name they're in. So add up what they've both got, take that figure and minus the debts, then divide that result by 50% each. That's the starting point. If one person thinks they should have more than 50% the solicitors can argue it out for them. They each need their own separate divorce solicitor for this reason.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/07/2023 09:16

This is crazy. He needs to get a divorce and do it all properly instead of making it up as he goes along. It simply doesn't work this way. You're conflating him paying the mortgage with his child support payments, and this idea that the mum would live with parents while he had the DC is not gonna happen. Even the mortgage/home he already had before they were together will be included in the divorce - it's all communal property as they're married - so this idea he'll 'walk away' if she just takes him off the mortgage is simply not tenable. It all needs assessing by the proper legal process and dividing up fairly.

If he's been paying two mortgages, he's not so skint that he couldn't have started divorce proceedings. It's been 3.5 years and he's with someone else. There must be some other reason holding him back, not just the money because getting the divorce sorted would ultimately help them both financially to know where they stands and come to some more equitable arrangements.

AtomicBlondeRose · 21/07/2023 09:17

It’s hard work btw. I’ve been separated since 2016 and divorced since 2018 and I’m still on the fucking mortgage for my old house. exH has bought me out, I’ve been moved out and not paid a penny towards it since 2017 but my name is still on it because he has a complicated situation and can’t get a mortgage in his sole name for that house. He’s trying to sell it and I’ll eventually be free but it’s stressful and has meant I’ve had to rent this whole time. Oh, and it was written in the divorce that the judge said I had to be taken off asap! It still doesn’t magically mean banks will agree to a solo mortgage though.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/07/2023 09:22

Sjxo92 · 21/07/2023 08:47

Hello. Yes so child maintenance is included in the 550. Not sure how much though. I just know he pays 550 every month for child maintenance. Part of the mortgage and bills

Show quote history

How much would he be due to pay in maintenance alone?

It doesn’t sound like he’s paying half the mortgage, half the bills and child maintenance if he’s paying £550.

Tbh if he’s leaving it to you to do all his the research into what he needs to do when he’s had 3.5 years to find out I’d be very very wary. You’re picking up the wife work already…

GrumpyPanda · 21/07/2023 09:24

If the house needs to be sold, the sooner the better given the state of the market. In the meantime, if he is paying half the mortgage ex needs to pay him rent for his half of the house. She's being massively cheeky about it.

Foxblue · 21/07/2023 09:25

He's had 3.5 years to save the money to get a divorce. He's taking you for a ride.

PragmaticWench · 21/07/2023 09:34

If he has a second property, even if he owned it prior to the marriage to his ex, then she may well be entitled to a proportion of that property as it's part of their 'marital assets'. They both need legal advice, it's short sighted NOT to pay for that where there are properties and pensions involved.

LolaSmiles · 21/07/2023 09:35

Tbh if he’s leaving it to you to do all his the research into what he needs to do when he’s had 3.5 years to find out I’d be very very wary. You’re picking up the wife work already…
Agree with this.

What stands out on MN threads is how often the men involved know exactly what they need to do to protect their assets and finances

My gut would be that he knows in a divorce his ex might be able to claim other assets, any pensions he has and so on so he's happy kicking it into the long grass for now and hoping that in the meantime he will get a new partner who won't ask too many questions/will buy the idea that it's all his ex's fault.