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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money

93 replies

Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 14:42

My ex and I separated 2years ago. Have 2 boys, 7&4. I live in a mortgage free house that was left to me by a family member. Ex and his new partner have recently bought house and have an infant.
I earn 1k pm, and get an extra 400 in UC. Ex has been giving me 40£ pw towards boys needs. With the coat of living crisis and the prices of food, diesel etc skyrocketing, I'm wondering AIBU to ask Ex for extra money pw.
I know I have it better off than a lot of people but am fairly starting to notice the hit when it comes to food shops, the boys have a string of activities they do outside of school that they love so I don't want to pull them from what they enjoy. Even clothes have got so expensive and most of our stuff is coming from primark, asda tesco etc.

I work nightshift and rely on my family to mind boys when at work so atm can't really do extra shifts, plus we have a full team so OT is few and far between.
Ex takes boys one evening per midweek after work, feeds, bathes and brings home for bed, and takes one night at weekend overnight. We have an ok relationship so I don't want to rock the boat asking for more money, so advice please.

OP posts:
phishfoodforlife · 04/05/2023 14:52

Do you know how much he earns? If so, you can see how much he should pay through CMS. I think the fact that he has a child with his new partner will affect the amount but unless he's on a low income, £40 for two kids seems low.

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 14:57

Rather than directly asking for money, could you ask for him to pay for one of the children’s activities?

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 14:58

phishfoodforlife · 04/05/2023 14:52

Do you know how much he earns? If so, you can see how much he should pay through CMS. I think the fact that he has a child with his new partner will affect the amount but unless he's on a low income, £40 for two kids seems low.

I don't know exactly what he earns but he's in a good Job, has had same job for 10 years and it was always good pay. The downside is I know he gets a chunk of his pay in cash so there's a far smaller paper trail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 15:03

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 14:57

Rather than directly asking for money, could you ask for him to pay for one of the children’s activities?

He's under the impression that I spoil them and they don't need to do all the things they're doing so I doubt he would, he as said before that if I can't afford for them to do something then they don't need to do it.
One kid does football and boxing and the other plays guitar and does mma.

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Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 15:07

U can ask but with his increase in cost of living u r unlikely to get extra especially if he has a mortgage.

Danikm151 · 04/05/2023 15:07

So he’s paid you the same amount for years and hasn’t factored in the cost of living increases etc.
my son’s dad pays £180 a month and he’s on NMW with another child. 2 children should get more than £40 pw

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/05/2023 15:08

Even if he’s on minimum wage working 37 hours a week he should be paying approx £66 a week for 2 children based on the old CSA formula. (based on net income)

Im not familiar with the new calculation but there would have to be a deduction for the child residing with him and to take into account overnights.

ballerinagirl · 04/05/2023 15:12

More needs to be done about these deadbeat dads who get away with paying the minimum, and hiding their income.
I bet the infant isn't going without though!
It makes me so angry

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 15:14

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 15:07

U can ask but with his increase in cost of living u r unlikely to get extra especially if he has a mortgage.

Oh I understand that, but at the end of the day there's 2 full time wages going into his house whereas only a part time wage in mine

OP posts:
SootspriteSearcher · 04/05/2023 15:15

Everyone is struggling right now so he may not be in a position to offer more money. I would check with child maintainance he is paying the minimum he should be based on what you know he earns.

Is there anything you can cut back on? Or can you make some extra cash selling things you no longer use.

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 15:17

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 15:07

U can ask but with his increase in cost of living u r unlikely to get extra especially if he has a mortgage.

That’s not how CM is calculated though…
it’s based on his income, number if children and how often they stay at his (number if NIGHTS).
whether he ur tge OP pay a mortgage, the CoL etc… aren’t taken into account.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2023 15:19

His partner’s income is irrelevant. Even it wasn’t, you don’t have housing costs while they do.

You can apply to the CMS and work out if it’s more than you’re currently getting. He’s right that if you can’t afford things like so many extra curriculars they’ll have to be reconsidered but check what he owes and you may end up getting more going through official channels.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 15:20

Danikm151 · 04/05/2023 15:07

So he’s paid you the same amount for years and hasn’t factored in the cost of living increases etc.
my son’s dad pays £180 a month and he’s on NMW with another child. 2 children should get more than £40 pw

Yes it's been 40 pw for 2 years.. last month was oldest child's birthday and I was taking them out for the day, he said he'd send extra money towards it. It was a fiver. We were still together when I was given my house and at the time he was paying for the Internet, he continued to pay it for a year after we broke up whic was fine because it was a bill less for me but now he's no longer paying it which fair enough, but I thought at that time he would have maybe given the extra 10 pw

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gamerchick · 04/05/2023 15:23

Go through the CSA. Let them deal with him.

Silvergoldandglitter · 04/05/2023 15:23

I know this isn't the point of your post but how are you struggling on that money? You have £1560 each month with no mortgage, rent or childcare bills. Where is all your money going?

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 15:28

SootspriteSearcher · 04/05/2023 15:15

Everyone is struggling right now so he may not be in a position to offer more money. I would check with child maintainance he is paying the minimum he should be based on what you know he earns.

Is there anything you can cut back on? Or can you make some extra cash selling things you no longer use.

Oh he's definitely not struggling. Comes to lift the kids decked out in designer clothes, flash car, tells me about nights/weekends he has booked away.
In all fairness I'm not struggling either because I am not too bad with money, I just think that as the prices of everything goes up that he should contribute a wee bit more towards the kids

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MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2023 15:29

Silvergoldandglitter · 04/05/2023 15:23

I know this isn't the point of your post but how are you struggling on that money? You have £1560 each month with no mortgage, rent or childcare bills. Where is all your money going?

This. You're on a PT wage of course your clothes come from Primark and Asda!

Doesn't mean he shouldn't pay the CMS amount at least though.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 15:33

Silvergoldandglitter · 04/05/2023 15:23

I know this isn't the point of your post but how are you struggling on that money? You have £1560 each month with no mortgage, rent or childcare bills. Where is all your money going?

I'm not struggling, and i know that althoigh i dont have rent/mortage, i still have insurances for car and house plus car payments, rates, electric and heat. for me it's more the principle that 40£ 2 years ago was fine but as the times are changing money should too. Maybe I'm completely wrong, that's why I was asking advice x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2023 15:44

No, he doesn’t have to pay more because you want him to. Maintenance is a percentage of his income, he may or may not be paying the CMS minimum, he may or may not have had a pay rise.

His partner may be paying for nights away and clothes from more expensive shops. That’s nothing to do with you or your costs for the kids.

You may not have said you were struggling but you’re implying you can’t afford 4 extra curricular activities and that’s why you want him to pay more. If that’s the case you’ll have to cut corners like everyone else is, not least the majority whose mortgage or rent have gone up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2023 15:45

i still have insurances for car and house plus car payments, rates, electric and heat

Yep, so does he. These aren’t unusual bills.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 16:08

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2023 15:44

No, he doesn’t have to pay more because you want him to. Maintenance is a percentage of his income, he may or may not be paying the CMS minimum, he may or may not have had a pay rise.

His partner may be paying for nights away and clothes from more expensive shops. That’s nothing to do with you or your costs for the kids.

You may not have said you were struggling but you’re implying you can’t afford 4 extra curricular activities and that’s why you want him to pay more. If that’s the case you’ll have to cut corners like everyone else is, not least the majority whose mortgage or rent have gone up.

I feel like youre shouting at me lol.
No he was always like that, when we were married he would spend all his money on expensive clothing and nights out with his pals, and I know obviously he has the right to spend his money as he wishes, but back then the kids were the bottom of the pile. He never contributed towards even their Christmas gifts, that was all me, and he never had to worry because he knew I wouldn't see them without. And back then our mortgage and bills were 50/50 even with my pt wage.
I just feel like surely in this day and age that his 2 older kids are worth more than 20£ each a week. I wanted to avoid going the cms route because he can be touchy and if I did that it would set him off on one

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TheInterceptor · 04/05/2023 16:31

Your 7 and 4 year olds do boxing and MMA? Which does which?Shock

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 16:33

I don't agree that the cost of things rising means people should pay more. Their expenses will have gone up in just the same way, the amount they pay should only go up if their earnings go up.

Obviously in this case it sounds like he may not be paying as much as he should in the first place, but just to address that point...

I had more empathy for him before you said he spends a lot of money on himself. DP and I are in a similar position to him - ex is mortgage free but we've taken one on in the last year. I cannot tell you how extortionate it is. We can barely afford to get by and pay the maintenance he was already paying, let alone more. It sounds like he may be better off than us, but just to give some perspective.

I can also empathise with the "I wouldn't buy them those things so don't want to contribute to them" thing, as we have that too.

phishfoodforlife · 04/05/2023 17:21

I'm really confused by the posts here as usually the recommendation would be to pay CMS rates at an absolute minimum but here lots are attacking this woman for wondering if her ex is paying enough (almost certainly not).

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 17:21

TheInterceptor · 04/05/2023 16:31

Your 7 and 4 year olds do boxing and MMA? Which does which?Shock

7 year old mma and guitar, and he's pretty good lol, 4 year old football and baby boxing

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