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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money

93 replies

Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 14:42

My ex and I separated 2years ago. Have 2 boys, 7&4. I live in a mortgage free house that was left to me by a family member. Ex and his new partner have recently bought house and have an infant.
I earn 1k pm, and get an extra 400 in UC. Ex has been giving me 40£ pw towards boys needs. With the coat of living crisis and the prices of food, diesel etc skyrocketing, I'm wondering AIBU to ask Ex for extra money pw.
I know I have it better off than a lot of people but am fairly starting to notice the hit when it comes to food shops, the boys have a string of activities they do outside of school that they love so I don't want to pull them from what they enjoy. Even clothes have got so expensive and most of our stuff is coming from primark, asda tesco etc.

I work nightshift and rely on my family to mind boys when at work so atm can't really do extra shifts, plus we have a full team so OT is few and far between.
Ex takes boys one evening per midweek after work, feeds, bathes and brings home for bed, and takes one night at weekend overnight. We have an ok relationship so I don't want to rock the boat asking for more money, so advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 17:23

phishfoodforlife · 04/05/2023 17:21

I'm really confused by the posts here as usually the recommendation would be to pay CMS rates at an absolute minimum but here lots are attacking this woman for wondering if her ex is paying enough (almost certainly not).

Thank you very much ❤️ and I did check on the cms calculator, I put in the minimum that I know he's on and it is coming up at 56 pw

OP posts:
HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:31

I think it’s disgraceful that he is so greedy that he doesn’t want to provide the minimum cms amount for his kids. The law needs to change so the money is taken the same way as a student loan or income tax. There’s a reason the government don’t get graduates to voluntarily pay back their student loan 😂 but instead have a system so it’s deducted at source.
It should be the non resident parents responsibility to pay the correct amount and fines applied accordingly if this does not happen.

1600 sounds a fair amount until your washing machine breaks or your car gets crashed into etc. Also if it’s a fair amount I’m sure non resident parents would be happy to keep the first 1600 they earn and split the surplus between their kids.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 17:37

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 16:33

I don't agree that the cost of things rising means people should pay more. Their expenses will have gone up in just the same way, the amount they pay should only go up if their earnings go up.

Obviously in this case it sounds like he may not be paying as much as he should in the first place, but just to address that point...

I had more empathy for him before you said he spends a lot of money on himself. DP and I are in a similar position to him - ex is mortgage free but we've taken one on in the last year. I cannot tell you how extortionate it is. We can barely afford to get by and pay the maintenance he was already paying, let alone more. It sounds like he may be better off than us, but just to give some perspective.

I can also empathise with the "I wouldn't buy them those things so don't want to contribute to them" thing, as we have that too.

I don't agree either that the cost of things rising means people should have to pay more, but at the end of the day I'm having to pay more so why shouldn't he contribute more?
I completely understand your point on the mortgages, when we were married we had a mortgage together but it was his choice to walk out, his choice to sell a house that the mortgage was low on (300pm) and was almost paid off and his choice to buy a bigger more expensive house half a mile away when the house he was in was perfectly fine, a beautiful house. we had put a lot of money into doing it up about 5 years ago, new kitchen and new bathroom, decent size town house.

Everything I do is for my kids. I want them to have a wonderful childhood so that's why I put their interests first. I know it looks like I'm spoiling them, but my parents did it for us and because of it I have siblings that are fantastic footballers that play for County teams (NI based) and myself and 2 other siblings are renowned horsewomen, and that's because our parents helped and promoted us to follow our interests.

Sorry for waffling on

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 17:43

HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:31

I think it’s disgraceful that he is so greedy that he doesn’t want to provide the minimum cms amount for his kids. The law needs to change so the money is taken the same way as a student loan or income tax. There’s a reason the government don’t get graduates to voluntarily pay back their student loan 😂 but instead have a system so it’s deducted at source.
It should be the non resident parents responsibility to pay the correct amount and fines applied accordingly if this does not happen.

1600 sounds a fair amount until your washing machine breaks or your car gets crashed into etc. Also if it’s a fair amount I’m sure non resident parents would be happy to keep the first 1600 they earn and split the surplus between their kids.

It's actually 1400 pm lol, but yes I know what you mean. My car had to get 600 worth of work done there 2 months ago. He always had the attitude that money is for fun stuff. Which I agree with, we all like to have fun and spend money frivolously, but not until after all the bills and necessities are taken care off, I'd imagine the kids fall into that category 😀
I can't even remember the last time I went for coffee with my friends, and not because I can't afford to, but because I don't want to ask my family to mind kids anymore than they already do, and the night he takes them at weekend I'm usually working that night

OP posts:
Mojoj · 04/05/2023 19:17

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 16:33

I don't agree that the cost of things rising means people should pay more. Their expenses will have gone up in just the same way, the amount they pay should only go up if their earnings go up.

Obviously in this case it sounds like he may not be paying as much as he should in the first place, but just to address that point...

I had more empathy for him before you said he spends a lot of money on himself. DP and I are in a similar position to him - ex is mortgage free but we've taken one on in the last year. I cannot tell you how extortionate it is. We can barely afford to get by and pay the maintenance he was already paying, let alone more. It sounds like he may be better off than us, but just to give some perspective.

I can also empathise with the "I wouldn't buy them those things so don't want to contribute to them" thing, as we have that too.

I have to laugh at posts like this. What does it matter if you two have taken out a mortgage and his ex doesn't have one? The kid or kids are still his responsibility. Am so tired of reading about these feckless, deadbeat dads who pay the absolute minimum and resent every penny that they're forced to hand over for their kids. The government should be doing so much more.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 19:56

I have to laugh at posts like this. What does it matter if you two have taken out a mortgage and his ex doesn't have one? The kid or kids are still his responsibility. Am so tired of reading about these feckless, deadbeat dads who pay the absolute minimum and resent every penny that they're forced to hand over for their kids. The government should be doing so much more.

Thanks for your words of encouragement 😂

It matters because it would not physically be possible for us to increase the maintenance we pay. In fact, we're currently selling everything we can just to afford the maintenance we already have to pay. So it would not be possible, and that is a direct result of how expensive taking out a mortgage in the last year has been. And it was the same price as renting, for reference, so it wasn't like we chose that expense. This seemed like relevant insight, because if you are not someone that has recently bought a house (like OP) you may not be aware how bad it's got.

It's not about resenting paying it, frankly I find that a bit childish. Sometimes you do have to look beyond who you feel "should" pay what and consider who actually can.

Though as I said in my previous comment, I do think in OPs case it is possible he could pay more.

Babyroobs · 05/05/2023 00:10

Silvergoldandglitter · 04/05/2023 15:23

I know this isn't the point of your post but how are you struggling on that money? You have £1560 each month with no mortgage, rent or childcare bills. Where is all your money going?

Plus child benefit on top.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 00:45

Babyroobs · 05/05/2023 00:10

Plus child benefit on top.

Show quote history

Actually no, it's 1400 a month and that is including UC. Child benefit is paid to everyone wether you're a prince or a pauper, and mine has been going into savings accounts for my kids from they were born, it's not my money, it's theirs

OP posts:
Silvergoldandglitter · 05/05/2023 06:17

Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 00:45

Actually no, it's 1400 a month and that is including UC. Child benefit is paid to everyone wether you're a prince or a pauper, and mine has been going into savings accounts for my kids from they were born, it's not my money, it's theirs

Show quote history

It's 1400 plus child benefit plus the child maintenance.

Also child benefit isn't for everyone. If you earn over £50k then they start to deduct some and you don't get any if you earn over £60k.

MintJulia · 05/05/2023 06:39

TheInterceptor · 04/05/2023 16:31

Your 7 and 4 year olds do boxing and MMA? Which does which?Shock

My ds started karate at 5. The beginners class is mostly 5yos. It's not unusual.

FancyCurtains · 05/05/2023 07:05

£40 per week is ridiculously low for two kids.

SundaeLove · 05/05/2023 07:07

FancyCurtains · 05/05/2023 07:05

£40 per week is ridiculously low for two kids.

for sure it is!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/05/2023 07:08

I'd go via CMS and that way it's out of your and his hands. My ex paid me £250 pm for about 6 years until one day he was boasting about the fact he'd got a pay rise, which meant he was earning over 60k (stupid man). I went to cms and his payment over doubled. He had no shame that he was underpaying die his children.

hoophoophooray · 05/05/2023 07:17

Gosh our child benefit just goes into the pot. Doesn't cover their activities so it's definitely all spent on them. If you can afford to not have to use it, you are lucky.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 05/05/2023 07:28

How are you supposed to feed, clothe, and keep warm a child for £20 each per week? It's shockingly low. He can afford to start a new family, but won't properly support the children he already has.

TidyDancer · 05/05/2023 07:32

I would be inclined to look at your situation practically tbh and assume you won't get any extra from your ex. Can you look at ways to increase your income?

Wellhellother · 05/05/2023 07:42

There are two issues here -1. Your ex should be paying the CMS level of maintenance and 2. Your employment choice clearly doesn't work as a single parent. Why are you not working full time during the day? Work full time and you will be struggling less

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 07:48

No harm in asking for more if you know you’re entitled to more through CMS. If you put in a claim with them would it implant your UC?

IneedanewTV · 05/05/2023 07:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2023 15:29

This. You're on a PT wage of course your clothes come from Primark and Asda!

Doesn't mean he shouldn't pay the CMS amount at least though.

Show quote history

Exactly this. You work part time plus tax credits. I do think you should claim via CMS and get it sorted properly. But you could work more hours now by changing jobs. I agree dads should pay the right amount but in my divorce my solicitor told me that he had no sympathy with me claiming poverty when I could work extra hours.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/05/2023 07:54

I have no idea why people are commenting that you have enough money when your ex only pays £40 Hmm

If the amount you will get from CMS is more than that (even taking into account he gets money in cash) you go to them.

Disgraceful that anyone gets away with paying £40

CMS IS THE MINIMUM

IneedanewTV · 05/05/2023 07:56

Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 00:45

Actually no, it's 1400 a month and that is including UC. Child benefit is paid to everyone wether you're a prince or a pauper, and mine has been going into savings accounts for my kids from they were born, it's not my money, it's theirs

Show quote history

Child benefit was originally for the mother. It certainly isn’t the child’s money. If you can afford to save it for your kids then I’m lacking sympathy. You sound quite privileged to be honest. No mortgage, part time working, free child care and managing to save.

however father should pay more money.

Sneakyblinders · 05/05/2023 08:03

The father had two children he should be paying towards... before taking on a new mortgage. This idea that taking on a new mortgage suddenly excuses people for paying for their children is ridiculous.

OP - he is not paying enough.

Livinghappy · 05/05/2023 08:08

I have no idea why people are commenting that you have enough money when your ex only pays £40

I am very surprised at the responses. £40 p/w for 2 children isn't enough. Perhaps people are envious that you are fortunate to have a mortgage free house

Op, you mentioned being married, has finances been resolved through a financially settlement signed off by court? Just that if you ask for more money he may go after your house as it would be judged a joint assets.

If finances are signed off - clean break - then it you could apply to CMS. How is your relationship with him?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/05/2023 08:09

Tbh it doesn’t matter if you’re working 2 hours a week or 50, or how much you earn, he should be paying a fair proportion of his wage as maintenance

gogohmm · 05/05/2023 08:30

It's a percentage of his income, your problem is that you don't think he's declaring all his income (a crime in its self) so going through csa is pointless. If he's willing to defraud the tax payers I suspect he's also willing to avoid child maintenance if he can. I personally would give an ultimatum to use the calculator on the csa website or you will apply directly to them (which could potentially put his tax evasion) I'm pretty black and white with this, dads need to pay for their existing kids not procreate a new one!