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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more money

93 replies

Rebellion86 · 04/05/2023 14:42

My ex and I separated 2years ago. Have 2 boys, 7&4. I live in a mortgage free house that was left to me by a family member. Ex and his new partner have recently bought house and have an infant.
I earn 1k pm, and get an extra 400 in UC. Ex has been giving me 40£ pw towards boys needs. With the coat of living crisis and the prices of food, diesel etc skyrocketing, I'm wondering AIBU to ask Ex for extra money pw.
I know I have it better off than a lot of people but am fairly starting to notice the hit when it comes to food shops, the boys have a string of activities they do outside of school that they love so I don't want to pull them from what they enjoy. Even clothes have got so expensive and most of our stuff is coming from primark, asda tesco etc.

I work nightshift and rely on my family to mind boys when at work so atm can't really do extra shifts, plus we have a full team so OT is few and far between.
Ex takes boys one evening per midweek after work, feeds, bathes and brings home for bed, and takes one night at weekend overnight. We have an ok relationship so I don't want to rock the boat asking for more money, so advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 08:45

Silvergoldandglitter · 05/05/2023 06:17

It's 1400 plus child benefit plus the child maintenance.

Also child benefit isn't for everyone. If you earn over £50k then they start to deduct some and you don't get any if you earn over £60k.

Show quote history

Right well if I was making 60k I wouldn't be on here asking advice over 40 quid so that's irrelevant

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:25

Wellhellother · 05/05/2023 07:42

There are two issues here -1. Your ex should be paying the CMS level of maintenance and 2. Your employment choice clearly doesn't work as a single parent. Why are you not working full time during the day? Work full time and you will be struggling less

My work does have day shift but it starts at 8am. 2 kids go to school at 8.45, one gets picked up at 12, the other at 2pm. There's no way I would be able to manage that and I wouldn't expect my family members to do it either. And if I had to start paying childcare to do it, there would be no point in working because the childcare here is so expensive.
I pick up the extra night when I can, but we have full staff no there's no room for me to permanently take on extra shifts

OP posts:
hoophoophooray · 05/05/2023 09:26

If you are on UC, I think 70% of your childcare would be covered, would that make it more viable?

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 09:26

OP this isn’t about your job it’s about a father who is paying a ridiculously small amount for his two DC.

Valour · 05/05/2023 09:31

Shocked that people are going on about your income and expenditure. Even if you were a billionaire with five ferraris and an armful of Rolexes, that doesn't mean that your children's father doesn't have a moral and legal obligation to pay for his kids.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:33

hoophoophooray · 05/05/2023 07:17

Gosh our child benefit just goes into the pot. Doesn't cover their activities so it's definitely all spent on them. If you can afford to not have to use it, you are lucky.

Ex and I set it up 7 years ago when eldest was born that it would go into a savings for him, and we done the same for second and I've just continued on. I think because I've never technically had the money that I've never needed it, but yes I imagine that if it was going into my own account it would then be ending up in the pot the same as yours x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:34

hoophoophooray · 05/05/2023 09:26

If you are on UC, I think 70% of your childcare would be covered, would that make it more viable?

I didn't actually know that but I may look into it

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:37

Valour · 05/05/2023 09:31

Shocked that people are going on about your income and expenditure. Even if you were a billionaire with five ferraris and an armful of Rolexes, that doesn't mean that your children's father doesn't have a moral and legal obligation to pay for his kids.

Thank you. I'm regretting posting on here because I'm feeling like I'm under the microscope. Some people like yourself have been very kind in their responses and some I'm feeling are extremely ridiculing

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:37

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 09:26

OP this isn’t about your job it’s about a father who is paying a ridiculously small amount for his two DC.

Thank you

OP posts:
caringcarer · 05/05/2023 09:40

Contact CMS, even if he is on minimum wage he will have to pay more. He only has them for 1 night to sleep over. So you have them 6/7. Sounds like he begrudges his children with you having any activities. That's really sad for your children. Would he have children for a sleep over in the week?

Flopsythebunny · 05/05/2023 09:42

It doesn't matter how much you earn. You could be rolling in money but the father should still be paying cms rate as a minimum.
If he can't afford to do that, he shouldn't go on to have more children with another woman.

Flopsythebunny · 05/05/2023 09:43

Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:37

Thank you. I'm regretting posting on here because I'm feeling like I'm under the microscope. Some people like yourself have been very kind in their responses and some I'm feeling are extremely ridiculing

Show quote history

Post in aibu. You'd get more support

Flopsythebunny · 05/05/2023 09:45

hoophoophooray · 05/05/2023 09:26

If you are on UC, I think 70% of your childcare would be covered, would that make it more viable?

Do you know of any overnight paid childcare?
The op shouldn't have to change her job, the feckless, greedy father should be supporting his children.

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:46

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 05/05/2023 07:28

How are you supposed to feed, clothe, and keep warm a child for £20 each per week? It's shockingly low. He can afford to start a new family, but won't properly support the children he already has.

That's what I thought too, starting a new family but f* the one he already has. He doesn't ever do anything with the kids when he has them either. He has to blackmail them to go with him by telling them Oh we're going to go here/there, and when they come home i ask them did they have a nice time away and they always say No we didn't go anywhere, just sat in the house.

He doesn't even eat meals with them when they stay, the kids eat first then him and his partner, so that they can have "peace and quiet" to eat .

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:53

TidyDancer · 05/05/2023 07:32

I would be inclined to look at your situation practically tbh and assume you won't get any extra from your ex. Can you look at ways to increase your income?

There are rarely any extra hours going in my work, and when there are it's a race to pick them up

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:54

Flopsythebunny · 05/05/2023 09:42

It doesn't matter how much you earn. You could be rolling in money but the father should still be paying cms rate as a minimum.
If he can't afford to do that, he shouldn't go on to have more children with another woman.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:56

caringcarer · 05/05/2023 09:40

Contact CMS, even if he is on minimum wage he will have to pay more. He only has them for 1 night to sleep over. So you have them 6/7. Sounds like he begrudges his children with you having any activities. That's really sad for your children. Would he have children for a sleep over in the week?

He works mon-fri from 6.00am -3pm. She also works from 8am so during the week doesn't work because the kids would still need someone to mind them until I finished work

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 09:58

Swishhh · 05/05/2023 07:48

No harm in asking for more if you know you’re entitled to more through CMS. If you put in a claim with them would it implant your UC?

I haven't looked into it so I wouldn't be sure if it would or not

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 05/05/2023 09:59

Another one shocked so many people on this thread are questioning your income and expenditure. This man has fathered two children and is paying a pittance towards their upkeep. On what planet is that fair?

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 10:02

IneedanewTV · 05/05/2023 07:53

Exactly this. You work part time plus tax credits. I do think you should claim via CMS and get it sorted properly. But you could work more hours now by changing jobs. I agree dads should pay the right amount but in my divorce my solicitor told me that he had no sympathy with me claiming poverty when I could work extra hours.

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I love my job though and it took a lot of training to get the role I have. My job does pay a bit over minimum wage and there aren't many jobs in my area that do pay more than minimum wage so I don't think that I should have to change my job because he isn't paying the minimum he should

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 10:08

Livinghappy · 05/05/2023 08:08

I have no idea why people are commenting that you have enough money when your ex only pays £40

I am very surprised at the responses. £40 p/w for 2 children isn't enough. Perhaps people are envious that you are fortunate to have a mortgage free house

Op, you mentioned being married, has finances been resolved through a financially settlement signed off by court? Just that if you ask for more money he may go after your house as it would be judged a joint assets.

If finances are signed off - clean break - then it you could apply to CMS. How is your relationship with him?

The house that I was left technically isn't in my name yet, because there is a farm and land attached to it it had to go through my dad first so he has no claim to it. We're not yet divorced, we have to be separated 5 years for that. He wouldn't be the type of person to go after my finances or property, and 90% of the time we do get on well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 10:11

IneedanewTV · 05/05/2023 07:56

Child benefit was originally for the mother. It certainly isn’t the child’s money. If you can afford to save it for your kids then I’m lacking sympathy. You sound quite privileged to be honest. No mortgage, part time working, free child care and managing to save.

however father should pay more money.

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To be honest you sound quite jealous. Regardless of wether I have a mortgage free house or not I still think the kids dad should be paying the minimum requirement for the children that he helped to make

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 10:13

Sneakyblinders · 05/05/2023 08:03

The father had two children he should be paying towards... before taking on a new mortgage. This idea that taking on a new mortgage suddenly excuses people for paying for their children is ridiculous.

OP - he is not paying enough.

Thank you

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 05/05/2023 10:15

You have a mortgage free house, free childcare, work part and get benefits.. but you want more? Wow

Original poster
Rebellion86 · 05/05/2023 10:18

gogohmm · 05/05/2023 08:30

It's a percentage of his income, your problem is that you don't think he's declaring all his income (a crime in its self) so going through csa is pointless. If he's willing to defraud the tax payers I suspect he's also willing to avoid child maintenance if he can. I personally would give an ultimatum to use the calculator on the csa website or you will apply directly to them (which could potentially put his tax evasion) I'm pretty black and white with this, dads need to pay for their existing kids not procreate a new one!

Thank you for your support. I know for a fact he isn't declaring the cash, he done it for years when we were married and he's in the same job and he had told me when he was buying g his new house that he almost couldn't get a mortgage because his earnings on paper were so low compared to what he is actually earning

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