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Original poster

I feel like my partner should contribute more financially

96 replies

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:50

Hello everyone,

I am looking for advice/help regarding my financial matter.

My partner and I have a beautiful 8 month daughter.

First time mom here, so of course I want to do a lot of things with her and take here to a lot of baby groups and activities,(don't mind if my boyfriend wants to take her but it's not really his kind of thing) All which cost money.

Here is the problem, My boyfriend wants to pay 50/50 for her activities.

I don't think its fair since I pay the mortgage, (he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house) we split the bills and food and if we were to go treat ourselves he would pay, but we rarely go out.

I am on maternity pay and that literally covers the mortgage and the bills, that's about it.

I want to have a conversation with him about this as I am not happy at all.

If he is not paying me rent, then I want him to pay for all of the little ones activities at least.

Am I unreasonable by suggesting this?

OP posts:
ladykale · 10/03/2023 15:53

Be careful about the mortgage payment he makes into the joint account, as if things go south he could clear it out. Does it require your authorisation for withdrawals over a certain amount?

ladykale · 10/03/2023 15:53

Contributions would be in proportion to what you have coming in, not 50/50!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2023 15:54

he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house

Who decided this?

And do you have less money than him coming in on mat leave?

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:55

@ladykale That's exactly my worry, if we break up he can just fuck of with the money, and I am left with nothing.

OP posts:
jigsaw234 · 10/03/2023 15:56

  1. Are you married? If not, you need to get back to work as soon as possible and make sure that he pays 50% of the childcare. do not downsize your career/pension for this man if not married

  2. if you are married then you're a family - everything goes into one pot. you have a child together, what's all this 'he pays this and I pay that'?

  3. start making sure you have some money in your own name that he doesn't have access to...............hope I'm wrong but I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to need it.

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 15:56

he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house

What does this mean? Why is it for a future house and why can’t you touch it if it’s in a joint account?

ConfusedNT · 10/03/2023 15:57

If he wants 50/50 then he gets 50/50, he can take shared parental leave and do 50% of that

It infurtiates me how it seems to be a thing now that men want women to pay 50/50 even when there is a pay disparity but have no intention of picking up 50/50 parenting or housework

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:58

@MrsTerryPratchett When I bought the property, he suggested that, since he didn't contribute to the property, he is not on the mortgage documents.

Yes, I have way less money than he does coming in since he is still working.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2023 15:59

Yes, I have way less money than he does coming in since he is still working.

Caring for your joint child. He should be impacted by that, not just you.

CAJIE · 10/03/2023 16:00

You are a family even if you are not married
It is disgusting how the law is ,as if any other connection is less valid.civil partnerships anyone?

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:00

If you mean -

We live in my house and I pay the mortgage alone.

He saves an equivalent amount into a joint account towards a future joint mortgage.

We split bulls 50-50.

Then that’s OK, if you own the house currently and you’re unmarried.

Treating baby groups as a child-related ‘bill’ 50-50 also seems fair.

None of this addresses though that you’ve taken a money hit by being pregnant and on maternity leave. It does seem fair that he should pay 50% of your lost/reduced income in this (unmarried) scenario.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:02

@NoSquirrels We do want to upgrade in the future, get a bigger place, have another child if possible, but since I used all my savings went into purchasing our now property, don't really have much savings atm. So he talked about the money he is putting in for the mortgage to be the savings for our future property if that makes any sense.

Of course we talked if there is an emergency I can access the money

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:04

@NoSquirrels That is exactly my situation!

You put it better than me ha

It is as you say, I have taken a big hit financialy now, and I am looking for him to make up for that. It only seems fair imo

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 16:05

Does he not understand that you have taken a hit to your earnings by being on maternity leave & pay for your joint child? You are doing full time childcare to enable him to work full time without any impact from having a child. Why are you still paying what you were paying before you were on mat leave?

Is he able to take money out of the joint account unilaterally? If/when you sell your house and buy another, will he be on the future mortgage?

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:05

@ConfusedNT Tell me about it 🙄

It sucks even more when you are stuck doing the house chores as well

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:06

He’s definitely saving the mortgage payment into a joint account with his and your names on it?

Anyway. You are increasing your equity every month you pay your mortgage, and have an appreciating asset in your name.

He is saving, so he’s accumulating equivalent.

That’s fair.

50-50 bills, including baby groups, is fair.

But you had an income hit just because you’re the one caring for the baby. So he should compensate you for that.

ladykale · 10/03/2023 16:07

@dionnysoss you should switch it to him paying you 50% towards mortgage and 50% into the joint account.

You must have read so many stories on here, don't expose yourself like that please if he could clear the account any time,

If the account isn't even in your name, then you have zero claim to it even!!

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:08

What’s the plan when you go back to work with paying childcare? Will it be 50-50?

ladykale · 10/03/2023 16:09

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:06

He’s definitely saving the mortgage payment into a joint account with his and your names on it?

Anyway. You are increasing your equity every month you pay your mortgage, and have an appreciating asset in your name.

He is saving, so he’s accumulating equivalent.

That’s fair.

50-50 bills, including baby groups, is fair.

But you had an income hit just because you’re the one caring for the baby. So he should compensate you for that.

It's not though because she has the mortgage which is a debt in her name & which she is liable for and presumably paid the deposit which he didn't.

She is foregoing "rent" from him to basically save on her behalf in an account that he could clear at any time.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:10

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:06

He’s definitely saving the mortgage payment into a joint account with his and your names on it?

Anyway. You are increasing your equity every month you pay your mortgage, and have an appreciating asset in your name.

He is saving, so he’s accumulating equivalent.

That’s fair.

50-50 bills, including baby groups, is fair.

But you had an income hit just because you’re the one caring for the baby. So he should compensate you for that.

Yes, the joint account is in both our names.

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:13

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:08

What’s the plan when you go back to work with paying childcare? Will it be 50-50?

So we had a discussion about this.

I suggested I would like to be a stay at home mom, which he would like as well, but then he would have to pay for all the bills and mortgage.

He said he'll think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:15

ladykale · 10/03/2023 16:09

It's not though because she has the mortgage which is a debt in her name & which she is liable for and presumably paid the deposit which he didn't.

She is foregoing "rent" from him to basically save on her behalf in an account that he could clear at any time.

Show quote history

Pretty much, unfortunately it is a fear of mine that he would clear all the money if we were to break up

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:22

OP, bluntly, if you don’t trust him enough that you’re worried about splitting up and him clearing the joint savings account, then you 100% shouldn’t give up your job to be a SAHP and allow him to pay the mortgage. Even though you’re currently unmarried, if he can say he’s been paying the mortgage it could be considered a ‘beneficial interest’.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 10/03/2023 16:22

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:13

So we had a discussion about this.

I suggested I would like to be a stay at home mom, which he would like as well, but then he would have to pay for all the bills and mortgage.

He said he'll think about it

Show quote history

Do not be a SAHM unless you are married. That puts you in an incredibly precarious position.

Sleepless1096 · 10/03/2023 16:23

50/50 finances don't work if you have children together and you're not splitting childcare/housework 50/50.

If you're worried about him clearing the joint account, can you contact the bank and put a withdrawal limit on it.

He either needs to contribute according to income or you need to bill him for half the cost of a nanny as his "childcare" contribution. Are you sharing care 50/50 outside his working hours or are you doing it all?

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