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Original poster

I feel like my partner should contribute more financially

96 replies

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:50

Hello everyone,

I am looking for advice/help regarding my financial matter.

My partner and I have a beautiful 8 month daughter.

First time mom here, so of course I want to do a lot of things with her and take here to a lot of baby groups and activities,(don't mind if my boyfriend wants to take her but it's not really his kind of thing) All which cost money.

Here is the problem, My boyfriend wants to pay 50/50 for her activities.

I don't think its fair since I pay the mortgage, (he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house) we split the bills and food and if we were to go treat ourselves he would pay, but we rarely go out.

I am on maternity pay and that literally covers the mortgage and the bills, that's about it.

I want to have a conversation with him about this as I am not happy at all.

If he is not paying me rent, then I want him to pay for all of the little ones activities at least.

Am I unreasonable by suggesting this?

OP posts:
Donnashair · 10/03/2023 18:18

Honestly I think it’s really risky to become a sahm. He will be paying the bills including your mortgage.

Which means he could clear the joint account and then, also make a claim on the house. It’s rare and expensive to do, but if he pays the mortgage he for a few years (especially if you have another and are off 5 or 6 years or more years) and maybe pays more if you return part time, he could have a claim.

AviMav · 10/03/2023 18:20

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:06

He’s definitely saving the mortgage payment into a joint account with his and your names on it?

Anyway. You are increasing your equity every month you pay your mortgage, and have an appreciating asset in your name.

He is saving, so he’s accumulating equivalent.

That’s fair.

50-50 bills, including baby groups, is fair.

But you had an income hit just because you’re the one caring for the baby. So he should compensate you for that.

I don't think this is fair at all. OP has added a baby into the mix so for me this changes everything. Why was this not discussed prior OP?

What would you do about the cost of childcare if you return to work? Despite being unmarried you are a family unit and if you want more kids I imagine money will be an issue later on.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:21

Donnashair · 10/03/2023 18:18

Honestly I think it’s really risky to become a sahm. He will be paying the bills including your mortgage.

Which means he could clear the joint account and then, also make a claim on the house. It’s rare and expensive to do, but if he pays the mortgage he for a few years (especially if you have another and are off 5 or 6 years or more years) and maybe pays more if you return part time, he could have a claim.

Good point, but I was always under the impression that ou have to be married to do that? And it would only be for 3 years? Can he actually claim anything when we are not married?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:22

Can I ask why you got the mortgage in just your name (presumably it is only your name on the deeds)?

Also, how are you covering half of bills and a full mortgage payment with £700 per month? Or are you dipping more into savings?

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:23

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:21

Good point, but I was always under the impression that ou have to be married to do that? And it would only be for 3 years? Can he actually claim anything when we are not married?

Show quote history

If he is paying the mortgage, then yes, potentially. When are you due to remortgage, cos it couldn’t be in your sole name if you weren’t working.

Donnashair · 10/03/2023 18:28

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:21

Good point, but I was always under the impression that ou have to be married to do that? And it would only be for 3 years? Can he actually claim anything when we are not married?

Show quote history

If only you own the home, no he can’t make a claim.

But, if he is paying the mortgage on his own for years, then he could make a claim. It’s not a black and white situation so no one can say definitively wether he would win or not. But it’s a possibility.

It might not be for 3 years. If you have another and want to stay home with that one? Or find getting back into work difficult or can’t find a decent paid full time role, so he continues to pay some or all the mortgage?

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:29

Have you talked about marriage, OP, are you on that track?

Donnashair · 10/03/2023 18:30

Donnashair · 10/03/2023 18:28

If only you own the home, no he can’t make a claim.

But, if he is paying the mortgage on his own for years, then he could make a claim. It’s not a black and white situation so no one can say definitively wether he would win or not. But it’s a possibility.

It might not be for 3 years. If you have another and want to stay home with that one? Or find getting back into work difficult or can’t find a decent paid full time role, so he continues to pay some or all the mortgage?

Show quote history

Sorry that wasn’t clear, if you own the home. Usually it’s upon marriage that he would be considered the joint owner.

But if he pays the mortgage he for years, he could claim a portion of the house. He wouldn’t be a joint owner and likely wouldn’t get the same amount as he would if you were married. But he still could have a claim.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:30

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:22

Can I ask why you got the mortgage in just your name (presumably it is only your name on the deeds)?

Also, how are you covering half of bills and a full mortgage payment with £700 per month? Or are you dipping more into savings?

We were renting before and our landlord served us a section 21 because he wanted to sell the property. At the time, I had enough savings for a house, and having to go through the renting process was a hassle, especially since I just had the baby, having to deal with post partum afterwards, and the lack of child friendly property, it was easier to just buy tbh. My boyfriend was not yet ready to make such a financial commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:34

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:22

Can I ask why you got the mortgage in just your name (presumably it is only your name on the deeds)?

Also, how are you covering half of bills and a full mortgage payment with £700 per month? Or are you dipping more into savings?

Yes, the mortgage is just in my name as well as on the papers. I did not put him down as an occupier.

So thankfully, £700 just about covers the mortgage and bills. I dip into my savings when I pay for the babies activities

OP posts:
viques · 10/03/2023 18:37

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:30

We were renting before and our landlord served us a section 21 because he wanted to sell the property. At the time, I had enough savings for a house, and having to go through the renting process was a hassle, especially since I just had the baby, having to deal with post partum afterwards, and the lack of child friendly property, it was easier to just buy tbh. My boyfriend was not yet ready to make such a financial commitment.

Show quote history

Yet he was ready to make a baby! Which over the course of the next 18 or 20 years is a huge financial (and emotional) commitment.

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:37

Is he ready now to make that financial commitment?

Approx what % of it did you pay as a deposit?

Rainbowqueeen · 10/03/2023 18:37

While you are on may leave I think it would be fair if you continue to pay the mortgage but he pays all other bills. I also think you should not be doing all the housework. The majority yes but not all of it. A 70-30 split would be fairer

How much childcare is he doing?

Id sit down and have a chat - not just about finances but about total contributions to your lives together. And you should definitely go back to work with the cost of childcare split between you

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 18:37

It is infuriating that this man is happy to run down your savings to pay for activities for his own child whilst he brings home 3 or 4 times your current income which he keeps the vast majority for himself only.

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:38

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 18:37

It is infuriating that this man is happy to run down your savings to pay for activities for his own child whilst he brings home 3 or 4 times your current income which he keeps the vast majority for himself only.

This

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:39

AviMav · 10/03/2023 18:20

I don't think this is fair at all. OP has added a baby into the mix so for me this changes everything. Why was this not discussed prior OP?

What would you do about the cost of childcare if you return to work? Despite being unmarried you are a family unit and if you want more kids I imagine money will be an issue later on.

Show quote history

The joint account will be in both their names, not his name only. So he is saving for her as well.

DuvetDownn · 10/03/2023 18:40

Don’t marry him.

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:41

I hadn’t realised house cane straight after baby.

OP, you are close to the end of your maternity leave. Do you want to move to a position where you make a commitment to each other and pool finances properly?

(honestly, he sounds like he has one foot out of the door, so I would be very careful, but this isn’t a sustainable situation as is)

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:42

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:39

The joint account will be in both their names, not his name only. So he is saving for her as well.

Show quote history

Yeah, but she doesn’t trust him not to clear it out.

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:45

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:42

Yeah, but she doesn’t trust him not to clear it out.

Show quote history

Then if I was him I wouldn't pay anymore into it. She can equally clear it out too. But he carries on putting the same amount into the account for their future.

AviMav · 10/03/2023 18:49

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:39

The joint account will be in both their names, not his name only. So he is saving for her as well.

Show quote history

Yes I understand that part. But don't you think its odd though? How long have you been dating him OP?

I think OP wouldn't benefit much by clearing the savings account realistically although possible when she's the one likely left with the kid/kids.

viques · 10/03/2023 18:52

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:45

Then if I was him I wouldn't pay anymore into it. She can equally clear it out too. But he carries on putting the same amount into the account for their future.

Show quote history

Nothing to stop him putting half the current amount into the savings pot and using the other half to boost the household income ( by paying non mortgage items like utilities, council tax, household insurance, ) at the moment things are so tight the OP is struggling to pay for baby activities, which aren’t exactly the most expensive of outgoings. If he isn’t even willing to pay for his own child’s activities at this stage it doesn’t bode well for bigger expenses like nursery fees or taking days off work to look after a sick child.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:54

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 18:37

Is he ready now to make that financial commitment?

Approx what % of it did you pay as a deposit?

We had a talk before hand about our future and he said he'd want to upgrade to a bigger place in about 5 years. Through accident though, I did find out that he has a ring to tie the knot.

it was about 50%

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 19:00

viques · 10/03/2023 18:52

Nothing to stop him putting half the current amount into the savings pot and using the other half to boost the household income ( by paying non mortgage items like utilities, council tax, household insurance, ) at the moment things are so tight the OP is struggling to pay for baby activities, which aren’t exactly the most expensive of outgoings. If he isn’t even willing to pay for his own child’s activities at this stage it doesn’t bode well for bigger expenses like nursery fees or taking days off work to look after a sick child.

Show quote history

This too

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 19:00

Have you talked about childcare costs, if you go back to work?