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Original poster

I feel like my partner should contribute more financially

96 replies

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:50

Hello everyone,

I am looking for advice/help regarding my financial matter.

My partner and I have a beautiful 8 month daughter.

First time mom here, so of course I want to do a lot of things with her and take here to a lot of baby groups and activities,(don't mind if my boyfriend wants to take her but it's not really his kind of thing) All which cost money.

Here is the problem, My boyfriend wants to pay 50/50 for her activities.

I don't think its fair since I pay the mortgage, (he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house) we split the bills and food and if we were to go treat ourselves he would pay, but we rarely go out.

I am on maternity pay and that literally covers the mortgage and the bills, that's about it.

I want to have a conversation with him about this as I am not happy at all.

If he is not paying me rent, then I want him to pay for all of the little ones activities at least.

Am I unreasonable by suggesting this?

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 19:03

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 19:00

Have you talked about childcare costs, if you go back to work?

Yes, if I were to go back to work, we would split the childcare cost.

OP posts:
Guis23 · 10/03/2023 19:06

viques · 10/03/2023 18:52

Nothing to stop him putting half the current amount into the savings pot and using the other half to boost the household income ( by paying non mortgage items like utilities, council tax, household insurance, ) at the moment things are so tight the OP is struggling to pay for baby activities, which aren’t exactly the most expensive of outgoings. If he isn’t even willing to pay for his own child’s activities at this stage it doesn’t bode well for bigger expenses like nursery fees or taking days off work to look after a sick child.

Show quote history

He pays half the all bills and also food. And pays when they go out.
He is happy to pay half of the baby activities.
How much they are I do not know.
Then he also puts the whole equivalent of the amount she pays into the mortgage into a joint savings account. For a future joint home.
It doesn't go into his own account.
And he hasn't insisted she change the deeds of her home to include him on it.
They both have access to the joint savings account. Sometimes if couples separate in joint account arrangements then account contents is divided between the two joint holders.

I don't know where the notion that he is going to cheat her out of her home actually comes from.
He is saving for their future in an open and transparent way. He pays half of all bills and food.
If he is expected to pay more of the bills he may well want to have his name on the deeds.
He earns on a commission basis. So probably has to work very hard.
So some months he will earn less or more than others. It won't be a steady amount.

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 19:15

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 19:06

He pays half the all bills and also food. And pays when they go out.
He is happy to pay half of the baby activities.
How much they are I do not know.
Then he also puts the whole equivalent of the amount she pays into the mortgage into a joint savings account. For a future joint home.
It doesn't go into his own account.
And he hasn't insisted she change the deeds of her home to include him on it.
They both have access to the joint savings account. Sometimes if couples separate in joint account arrangements then account contents is divided between the two joint holders.

I don't know where the notion that he is going to cheat her out of her home actually comes from.
He is saving for their future in an open and transparent way. He pays half of all bills and food.
If he is expected to pay more of the bills he may well want to have his name on the deeds.
He earns on a commission basis. So probably has to work very hard.
So some months he will earn less or more than others. It won't be a steady amount.

Show quote history

He has income of £2000-£3000. Her £700 current income is fully used up in mortgage and bills. He puts £700 or so into savings. She hasn’t got any money left to pay half of baby classes.

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 19:20

“If he is expected to pay more of the bills he may well want to have his name on the deeds.”

I don’t actually have an issue with this, it would be more reasonable than the current scenario, if they are committed to each other. Best for the deeds to reflect OP’s 50% upfront deposit, though.

But less than 8 months ago, he wasn’t ready to go in on a mortgage with OP even though they’d just had a baby, and now he is keeping his funds liquid and wanting 50% of bills from his partner who has far less income now.

DemonSpawn · 10/03/2023 19:22

This man needs to at least man up and pay for all the bills and food including the mortgage while OP is not working. He should be showing OP that she and their DC are his top priority and showing that he is prepared to act like a married man should behave; looking after his family and not keeping half of his income for his personal whims.

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 19:22

Perhaps he could not remotely match her savings to fund a property. And felt he had no right to jointly buy. Or a lender would not lend on his commission only work so would not take his earnings into consideration.

If anything, I get the impression she is not keen on things going forward.

LadyJ2023 · 10/03/2023 19:25

Not married but joint account you do know he could clear it saying he filled it. Either way you don't exactly sound happy tbh

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 10/03/2023 19:26

jigsaw234 · 10/03/2023 16:24

DO NOT BE A SAHM IF YOU'RE NOT MARRIED

Sit down with a cup of tea and spend a few hours on the relationship board and other boards here to see what a fundamentally idiotic idea that is.

This.

OP, it is insane to have had a baby with someone and for you both to be arguing about who pays for what. Are you a family or not?

alwayslearning789 · 10/03/2023 19:27

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:30

We were renting before and our landlord served us a section 21 because he wanted to sell the property. At the time, I had enough savings for a house, and having to go through the renting process was a hassle, especially since I just had the baby, having to deal with post partum afterwards, and the lack of child friendly property, it was easier to just buy tbh. My boyfriend was not yet ready to make such a financial commitment.

Show quote history

" My boyfriend was not yet ready to make such a financial commitment. "

Yet you had a baby which is 18-20 years plus commitment?...

My simple advice would be keep working - You cannot afford to be a SAHM as you have a mortgage in your sole name and your boyfriend is showing signs of not commiting if is he's haggling about 50/50 for the baby's activities?....urgh...

alwayslearning789 · 10/03/2023 19:31

DemonSpawn · 10/03/2023 19:22

This man needs to at least man up and pay for all the bills and food including the mortgage while OP is not working. He should be showing OP that she and their DC are his top priority and showing that he is prepared to act like a married man should behave; looking after his family and not keeping half of his income for his personal whims.

This.

You and the baby should at the very least be his priority right now.

Jmaho · 10/03/2023 19:39

So let me get this straight. He decided that while you were pregnant with his child he didn't want to buy a house jointly with you as he didn't want to make a financial commitment.
Now whilst you are on mat leave and he is earning up to 4 times your monthly income, you are still paying half of everything
And you are talking about becoming a SAHM and being reliant on him totally for finances
I don't know what to say....
As an aside why didn't you put him down as an occupier on the mortgage documents when he would be living there?

Quitelikeit · 10/03/2023 19:47

Why not tell him he can go on paternity leave, survive on the £700 and you go back to work

TwilightSkies · 10/03/2023 19:54

Oh god, don’t give up work. That would put you in such a dodgy position.

FKATondelayo · 10/03/2023 20:07

You don't share 50 / 50 when you have an income of 700 and his is 3 times that. He should be paying 75% of bills and food. I have been SAHM for 3 years - DH pays 80% of bills/mortgage because I have limited income.

Alternatively, he should be looking at the local cost of childcare for an 8 month old (think it's £15k a year on average) and pay you half that on a monthly basis.

My inclination would be to throw him out, go back to work and claim child support via CSA because I'm getting a distinct whiff of cocklodger from him.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 10/03/2023 20:28

Eurgh congrats you had a baby with a cheap man who doesn't view any of your loss of earnings to be part his problem despite you caring for his baby and his career staying intact.

You cannot become a SAHM to a man who doesn't appreciate your childcare and homemaking. Making you pay bills on 700 a month is gross imo

Testina · 10/03/2023 20:49

Is he going back on something agreed when you were pregnant, or did you not discuss it?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2023 20:56

He's not on the mortgage. So you could boot him out at any minute.

He is contributing 50/50 with a view to the future and happy to pay 50/50 for bills and child entertainment.

What exactly is your problem?

I suggested I would like to be a stay at home mom

Yes, I'm sure you would. You just want him to pay for it. Poor bloke can't win or lose.

And the 'doing all the housework' moan has nothing to do with it. Entirely different conversation.

Olios · 11/03/2023 09:26

Don't have a second child with him

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 11/03/2023 09:27

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/03/2023 20:56

He's not on the mortgage. So you could boot him out at any minute.

He is contributing 50/50 with a view to the future and happy to pay 50/50 for bills and child entertainment.

What exactly is your problem?

I suggested I would like to be a stay at home mom

Yes, I'm sure you would. You just want him to pay for it. Poor bloke can't win or lose.

And the 'doing all the housework' moan has nothing to do with it. Entirely different conversation.

The issue is he has at least £1.3k disposable income a month and the op has none due to their joint child. In no world is that fair

Ontheup75 · 11/03/2023 09:48

@dionnysoss he was ready to commit to a baby but not a house?

Read this about a married lady whose husband walked out, and she has the security of marriage.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_money_matters/4758893-need-a-job-but-would-be-signed-off-benefits?reply=124528247

Go part time by all means, but do not give up work. It's so much easier to gain work if you are currently in work maintaining your skills.

Emma2745 · 11/03/2023 16:41

It's certainly something you could say to him, easiest thing is probably that he just uses some of the money that's going to the joint account to pay you rent instead, and whatever he can spare after that goes into the joint account for your future home.

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