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Original poster

I feel like my partner should contribute more financially

96 replies

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 15:50

Hello everyone,

I am looking for advice/help regarding my financial matter.

My partner and I have a beautiful 8 month daughter.

First time mom here, so of course I want to do a lot of things with her and take here to a lot of baby groups and activities,(don't mind if my boyfriend wants to take her but it's not really his kind of thing) All which cost money.

Here is the problem, My boyfriend wants to pay 50/50 for her activities.

I don't think its fair since I pay the mortgage, (he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house) we split the bills and food and if we were to go treat ourselves he would pay, but we rarely go out.

I am on maternity pay and that literally covers the mortgage and the bills, that's about it.

I want to have a conversation with him about this as I am not happy at all.

If he is not paying me rent, then I want him to pay for all of the little ones activities at least.

Am I unreasonable by suggesting this?

OP posts:
jigsaw234 · 10/03/2023 16:24

DO NOT BE A SAHM IF YOU'RE NOT MARRIED

Sit down with a cup of tea and spend a few hours on the relationship board and other boards here to see what a fundamentally idiotic idea that is.

Fredface1 · 10/03/2023 16:30

If you become a SAHM how will you pay the mortgage?

Everycloud23 · 10/03/2023 16:43

How long do you want to be a sahm for?

It doesn’t sound like he would be on board.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2023 16:46

jigsaw234 · 10/03/2023 16:24

DO NOT BE A SAHM IF YOU'RE NOT MARRIED

Sit down with a cup of tea and spend a few hours on the relationship board and other boards here to see what a fundamentally idiotic idea that is.

It's her mortgage and home so she might be better off not marrying him.

But definitely keeping working.

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/03/2023 16:46

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:13

So we had a discussion about this.

I suggested I would like to be a stay at home mom, which he would like as well, but then he would have to pay for all the bills and mortgage.

He said he'll think about it

Show quote history

Do not under any circumstances become a SAHM unless you're married. If you're not married he has no obligation to pay you any more than CMS.

Both you and your child would be fucked if you broke up. He could claim against your house because he's been paying the mortgage and then also fuck off with the money he's been saving for the future house too. Meanwhile you'll have no pension, no NI contributions, a large work gap in your CV. Marriage protects you against all that.

SavBlancTonight · 10/03/2023 16:51

On the plus side, he is putting money aside to save. But basically, he's saving while living rent free. Your only saving is as a result of paying the mortgage and increased house value. In most cases, the value of mortgage payments, especially in the beginning, are heavily skewed towards the interest payment so basically, you are servicing debt and hoping desperately your house increases in value and he's saving.

And then on top of this, you are at home with a small baby, income is impacted and his income isn't being impacted by a baby at all?

I'm sorry op, I don't meant to hit you while you are down but WHY DO WOMEN GET THEMSELVES INTO THESE SITUATIONS!?

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/03/2023 16:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2023 16:46

It's her mortgage and home so she might be better off not marrying him.

But definitely keeping working.

Show quote history

It is now because she is paying for it. If someone else pays the mortgage, or for improvements such as new kitchen etc he can argue he has an interest in the house and legally persue her to recoup his input. If her house was paid off, yes maybe, but here it would be her only asset that he could also take a slice from. And if he stops paying because they fight or break up? She has no job to pay it herself. It's her credit rating alone that will tank because of this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/03/2023 16:56

He is basically living rent free and saving the money with a promise that it's going to be shared with you. I don't think that's fair. You should be benefiting financially from him living in your house, especially as you are having to look after a baby on maternity pay.

If you want to save that money, that's up to you, but it's not up to him.

viques · 10/03/2023 16:59

dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 16:02

@NoSquirrels We do want to upgrade in the future, get a bigger place, have another child if possible, but since I used all my savings went into purchasing our now property, don't really have much savings atm. So he talked about the money he is putting in for the mortgage to be the savings for our future property if that makes any sense.

Of course we talked if there is an emergency I can access the money

And presumably if he has an emergency , like a change of heart, he can also access the money and bugger off to Buggertown having lived rent free at your expense!

He should be contributing now, you need to both sit down, and work out a fair budget based on his earnings and your maternity pay , which includes him adding to the savings especially since you depleted your savings to buy the house. When you go back to work then adjust the budget accordingly, but he should be paying a fair whack towards your current living expenses since your income is currently low.

9outof10cats · 10/03/2023 17:14

If I were you, I would charge your boyfriend rent for living there and have the rental agreement drawn up legally. You can save that money for a future purchase (in your own account) or use it to pay some of your mortgage.

He can then save whatever he wants in a separate account and then, if you decide to upgrade to a bigger house down the line, combine your savings.

Not knowing your relationship's security, I think you need to protect yourself and your asset.

Littlebummybums · 10/03/2023 17:23

Just start using the joint account money for your joint child.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 17:29

So you’re basically paying 50/50 for everything?

That sounds fair to me unless your incomes are completely different.

How much do you both earn?

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 17:39

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 17:29

So you’re basically paying 50/50 for everything?

That sounds fair to me unless your incomes are completely different.

How much do you both earn?

How on earth did you get this ftom
her posts?

SheilaFentiman · 10/03/2023 17:40

“On the plus side, he is putting money aside to save. But basically, he's saving while living rent free. Your only saving is as a result of paying the mortgage and increased house value. In most cases, the value of mortgage payments, especially in the beginning, are heavily skewed towards the interest payment so basically, you are servicing debt and hoping desperately your house increases in value and he's saving.

And then on top of this, you are at home with a small baby, income is impacted and his income isn't being impacted by a baby at all?”

This.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 17:52

Here is the problem, My boyfriend wants to pay 50/50 for her activities.

I don't think its fair since I pay the mortgage, (he does pay the mortgage amount into our joint account every month, which I can't touch, since that is for our future house) we split the bills and food and if we were to go treat ourselves he would pay, but we rarely go out.

@SheilaFentiman

It says it in her OP.

She pays the mortgage.

He pays the same amount but they put it in the joint account.

They split the food and bills.

He pays extra if they were to go out.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 17:54

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 17:29

So you’re basically paying 50/50 for everything?

That sounds fair to me unless your incomes are completely different.

How much do you both earn?

My maternity pay is £700 month and he is earning £2000 - £3000 depending on commissions

OP posts:
Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 17:55

Everycloud23 · 10/03/2023 16:43

How long do you want to be a sahm for?

It doesn’t sound like he would be on board.

Until she'll turn 3 at least

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 18:00

Does your mat pay drop off at all and what happens if you don't go back to work, do you need to pay any of it back?

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:03

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 18:00

Does your mat pay drop off at all and what happens if you don't go back to work, do you need to pay any of it back?

I am afraid I don't understand? Do you mean when MP ends? It ends at the end of April.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 10/03/2023 18:05

So, on my mat leave, I had a higher rate of pay in the first few weeks which then dropped down in steps until I was on the statutory level of pay only. Then the last 3 months out of the 12 months I had no pay at all. If I had not returned to work after that I would have had to pay back the amounts I was paid above the statutory minimum.

peeweechigs · 10/03/2023 18:06

You don't get maternity pay for three years! What's happens if you don't go back to work, who will pay the mortgage then?
And if it is your joint savings why can you not access it ? Get that changed straight away. And if he says no then you know what he'll do if you split up.

Cocobutt · 10/03/2023 18:10

My maternity pay is £700 month and he is earning £2000 - £3000 depending on commissions

You definitely shouldn’t be paying 50/50 on any bill then.

You should pay 50% each eg you 350 and him £1000 or whatever percentage covers all of the bills and food which will probably be more like 80% each but the actual amounts you both pay will be much different.

What is the reason his partner of the mortgage goes into the joint account instead of paying the mortgage off quicker?
Are you just wanting to keep the mortgage in your name?

Guis23 · 10/03/2023 18:11

So. He currently lives in your house which you pay the mortgage for. His name is not on the deeds.
He pays the equivalent of your mortgage into a joint account with a view to buying a future joint home for both of you.
You split other bills and grocery costs.
When you go out he pays. You don't go out much.

He wants him to pay 50 /50 for taking your baby daughter to activities.
You object as you pay a mortgage and half of the other bills and you aren't charging him rent.

The part about charging him rent left me cold. Poor man. He is committed to you and planning ahead.

I would suggest he isn't being mean at all to ask for a 50 /50 split to pay for daughters activities.
Do you have any intention of moving into a joint home with him ? If not, you should let him know. When you say you cannot touch the joint account, I suspect this means you both agreed it was ring-fenced. Not that he won't let you.

Original poster
dionnysoss · 10/03/2023 18:12

peeweechigs · 10/03/2023 18:06

You don't get maternity pay for three years! What's happens if you don't go back to work, who will pay the mortgage then?
And if it is your joint savings why can you not access it ? Get that changed straight away. And if he says no then you know what he'll do if you split up.

The suggestion I brought up was that while I would be at home with the baby, he would pay the mortgage and all bills

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 10/03/2023 18:12

You are a family now and should be pooling your resources together. Not having his and her money.

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