Fucked up massively

[Notaschoolgatemum]

To be clear, this is entirely my fault and somewhat of a FWP but I am panicking nevertheless at my own stupidity.

DP and I have a shared Credit/Charge card which we run all household expenses on to earn air-miles for holidays. DP is a high earner and although i used to be a high earner, I run our small business taking a minimum salary so that I can spend time with our teenage child before they leave for Uni and I’ve nursed my elderly father prior to his death last year. I may go back into the industry I was in before after they leave for uni but at the moment I rely entirely on DP for money. So not to drip feed, We have been together 20yrs. DP is fair in some respects and splits all available monthly income so we have equal spending money per month. However I’ve become aware he has received substantial bonuses and managed to save a substantial sum of money. He decides when we are going out etc. I have no access to this as it is all in his name. We support DSD’s at Uni as well as our DC. He is very generous with gifts but has no idea how much stuff costs when say he invites friends to stay for the weekend. I was deprived of money growing up and I am hyper aware of being poor so I often cover up when I am short to avoid embarrassment and the shame I felt when I was a child which is silly I know. To date, I have been very proud and not asked him for money so when stuff adds up beyond our household monthly budget I’ve gone without and covered the extra from my ‘allowance’. But I’m also ‘expected’ to show up as a ‘groomed’ for events which obviously costs money. I’ve also got into a situation where I’m in arrears rather than having the money to pay in the current month. Also my own fault. Last year, said card company lost a payment of ours totally several hundred £. They were entirely shit at finding the money with any sense of urgency hiding behind their service level agreements. Since then, their system has credited and debited the same amount at random points but often split across billing cycles so debited in one billing cycle then crediting in the next but as the interest penalty for not covering the entire bill in full is massive I’ve covered the extra. However back in August after a holiday I miscalculated the bill and didn’t realise the cc. had credited the amount lost twice in the same month so I thought I had more to spend. And I spent it on family stuff - DC was starting a new school so it went on new uniform etc. As I previously had the money this was not an issue but before Xmas the cc Co debited back the money and I thought it was a mistake so I didn’t pay it believing I didn’t owe it. But I do, plus the interest. So now I need to pay back the money plus the interest. I am worried sick. I don’t have the money and my low salary on paper means I have no access to credit. My bank has yesterday refused me a loan for the amount. I floated the idea yesterday about the situation but DP has shut down the conversation about it saying ‘we can’t possibly owe them anything’ . He’s right of course. He doesn’t but I do. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay it without incurring further interest on the entire monthly bill. I’ve spent the morning digging out stuff to eBay but it isn’t enough and won’t be in my account by Tuesday when I need to pay it. I’m considering pawning some jewellery I don’t wear every day but I doubt it’ll raise enough. I’ve also never been to a pawn shop.

I don’t know why I’m posting really except to get it off my chest. I deserve no sympathy there are other people with far worse issues than me. But I guess this is my world at the moment and I can’t escape it. I know they’ll probably be LTB comments but this really isn’t his fault. I need to put my big girl pants on and explain how much stuff costs moving I guess. I can’t just go and get a job instantly without raising suspicion.

once this is all water under the bridge I recommend you provide meals within budget. Cut your cloth to suit and explain to DH that you don’t have a choice. So beans and jacket potato or omelette or Dahl for supper.

Yes, it’s subtle crafty financial abuse - I think it’s quite likely that the reason they’re not married is down to him for financial reasons.

OP if you want to stay in a relationship with him that's your decision. But FFS move out, rent/buy a two bed flat/house for you and your DC to live in, get a job to pay for it. Put your self in a situation where you can say to him, No I'm not available for dinner with friends on Saturday because I can't afford it, No I can't come to your works event next month because I can't afford it. Then if he wants to do these things he has to pay whatever it costs for it to happen. In short OP get yourself a life, at the moment you're an accessory to his.

Play stupid till he finds out and then blame the CC company

If this business doesn't turn enough profit for OP to take a higher salary than the one she currently takes, which by her admission is so very low she can't obtain credit, then it's only purpose is to keep OP chained to the relationship. Eg profit from business equals £10k OP works there part time and wage equals £10k then WTF is the point of the business? OP could earn £10k anywhere and not be tied to him

OP you've got £20k investment maturing soon, best thing you can do with it is use it for a deposit to buy a home. Getting a job that isn't self employed will help with getting a mortgage. Don't fritter it away buying back pawned items etc it'll be gone before you know it

Also WTF was that comment about your unable to get a job straight away "because it'll arouse suspicion"? Suspicion of what?! You've done nothing wrong. The debt has arisen because he's causing you expenses of X amount and only giving you an allowance of y amount. It's not irresponsible spending, it's that you've been placed in an impossible situation. Nobody can make eg £200 of expenses fit into £100! It doesn't make you a bad person that you can't either. What you choose to do in your spare time is up to you, if you choose to get a job to fill that time the only comments should be along the lines of "congratulations, what will you be doing?". Any temper or sulking or snide comments or expectations of you justifying it if you get a job, is just more attempts to control you and make you "decide" (be manipulated into) giving it up

The level of naivett and 'well he's supporting you,' nonsense is quite scary actually

Really? That's what you take from Thai? She's buying too much high cost produce 😬😳

I'm surprised you're having such a hard time with Amex, they usually bend over backwards to sort any issues out for us.

Honestly I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself regarding 'asking for money' from your DP. The increase in cost of living as affected everybody and you should be able to raise this with him without fear of judgement. If you had done this earlier maybe you wouldn't find yourself in such a quandary. £600 also isn't a huge figure in the grand scheme of things, I would be really shocked if he doesn't loan it to you.

Hope it all works out for you.

If he doesn’t know the cost of things now then could you send him to the supermarket for the weekly shop? Or buy the DC’s shoes etc? My DH losses track of price rises sometimes and I send him to do top up shops/errands etc just so that he gets to see the current prices.

If he's got substantial savings and you're too scared to ask for £600 there's abuse there.

OP how are things today?

Why is everyone focussed on her buying one lot of school uniform when she openly admitted that she has actually been paying for parties, gig tickets and other luxuries for her DD, because she didn’t have them as a child - well then, maybe you should work for a living and pay for her to do these things! If you can’t afford that, don’t do it. You’ve got yourself in debt. I didn’t have a lot as a child and it has made me a grafter because I want my children to have a better life - why did you think a better life came from freeloading?

You say that your partner has restricted your access to savings because he doesn’t want you to overspend. Has he perhaps released that you buy things you can’t afford and treat your DD to things you can’t afford? If he realises that your crap with money and bring nothing in, no wonder he controls the savings.

If you’ve worked hard before, where are your savings or your money? It does seem like your partner is protecting his bonus because he ultimately has two other kids to support (is your DD even his) and if he knows you get into debt, he won’t want to see his bonus frittered away as well. Why don’t you have your own money from your work to tide you over whilst you don’t work? If I chose to take a sabbatical, it would be because I’d saved enough to pay my way for that period.

You do seem keen to have this appear your partners fault when you spent the money on luxuries your wanted your DD to have and you choose not to work. Claiming that you worked hard before and deserve this time off is all well and good if you can afford it but most people don’t take years out when their only child is 16. It’s not unreasonable for people to expect you to work and parent.

admitted that she has actually been paying for parties, gig tickets and other luxuries for her DD, because she didn’t have them as a child - well then, maybe you should work for a living and pay for her to do these things

It's not her DD it's their DD and the DC father clearly can afford it. Why should only him and OP's DSD's have what they want? Have you missed the part where this credit card, which is solely OP's responsibility, is a shared card meaning he's spending on it too as an authorized user? She hasn't "got herself in debt", he has with his unreasonable demands of what her income has to cover.

DH has no idea about the cost of living and how much groceries have gone up. Mind you he doesn't do the shopping apart from buying his lunch on very odd occasions and moans then.

I would try someone higher at AMEX. I understand where you are at with your position, I have one as well and was trying to chase points with mine instead of using the debit card, and it went over. I was able to sort that and now try and keep an eye on it regularly.

In your case though, if they double credited you when they shouldn't have, and you like me only looked at the available credit, then its their (moral) responsibility as a finance provider to sort it out before the due date. Do you have time to yourself this week to call a budgeting service to ask them for assistance in negotiating with AMEX? The budgeting service will probably want to meet with you to discuss in person, which is a fair thing.

As you know the longer you leave it, the bigger the trouble and they will call you up on any telephone number they have on file. Unfortunately it would be your luck for your DH to be around when that happens! ...

Please call a budgetary advisor pronto. xx

Moving forward, when there are out of the ordinary expenses that need to be met, you need to step up and say to DH well its going to cost xyz over the weekly HK budget, so where would you like me to take that from?

Throw the ball back in his court. Life choices (including going to the hairdresser) are expensive, he has to start contributing more finances to the kitty unless you start taking a bigger wage from the business (which you should be doing anyhow).

OP, you say that your partner splits disposable income with you each month so you both have the same amount to spend, but that he saves his bonuses. You also state you know he has substantial savings, but you don't know how much, and you also don't know what he earns.

How can you be certain you are getting an equal amount of spending money, if you don't even know what he earns? After 20 years you still seem completely in the dark about his financial situation, and tbh I find that a little bizarre. You only have his word for any of this, and I would want more than that. Certainly after 20 years together I would want some financial security. My husband did exactly what you're worried about and dropped dead one day, and left me and our children in a complete financial quagmire. Please sort this before it's too late. 💐

I'm failing badly at seeing the issue here. Pay off minimum plus £10 on Amex card each month.

Then pay the whole lot off when you get your extra monies in May. Stop spending on that card - and get rid of it in May.

[Just as a note - with my Barclaycard Visa credit card - you also have to pay interest on the whole amount before you've paid the bill. I didn't know it could be otherwise.]