Fucked up massively

[Notaschoolgatemum]

To be clear, this is entirely my fault and somewhat of a FWP but I am panicking nevertheless at my own stupidity.

DP and I have a shared Credit/Charge card which we run all household expenses on to earn air-miles for holidays. DP is a high earner and although i used to be a high earner, I run our small business taking a minimum salary so that I can spend time with our teenage child before they leave for Uni and I’ve nursed my elderly father prior to his death last year. I may go back into the industry I was in before after they leave for uni but at the moment I rely entirely on DP for money. So not to drip feed, We have been together 20yrs. DP is fair in some respects and splits all available monthly income so we have equal spending money per month. However I’ve become aware he has received substantial bonuses and managed to save a substantial sum of money. He decides when we are going out etc. I have no access to this as it is all in his name. We support DSD’s at Uni as well as our DC. He is very generous with gifts but has no idea how much stuff costs when say he invites friends to stay for the weekend. I was deprived of money growing up and I am hyper aware of being poor so I often cover up when I am short to avoid embarrassment and the shame I felt when I was a child which is silly I know. To date, I have been very proud and not asked him for money so when stuff adds up beyond our household monthly budget I’ve gone without and covered the extra from my ‘allowance’. But I’m also ‘expected’ to show up as a ‘groomed’ for events which obviously costs money. I’ve also got into a situation where I’m in arrears rather than having the money to pay in the current month. Also my own fault. Last year, said card company lost a payment of ours totally several hundred £. They were entirely shit at finding the money with any sense of urgency hiding behind their service level agreements. Since then, their system has credited and debited the same amount at random points but often split across billing cycles so debited in one billing cycle then crediting in the next but as the interest penalty for not covering the entire bill in full is massive I’ve covered the extra. However back in August after a holiday I miscalculated the bill and didn’t realise the cc. had credited the amount lost twice in the same month so I thought I had more to spend. And I spent it on family stuff - DC was starting a new school so it went on new uniform etc. As I previously had the money this was not an issue but before Xmas the cc Co debited back the money and I thought it was a mistake so I didn’t pay it believing I didn’t owe it. But I do, plus the interest. So now I need to pay back the money plus the interest. I am worried sick. I don’t have the money and my low salary on paper means I have no access to credit. My bank has yesterday refused me a loan for the amount. I floated the idea yesterday about the situation but DP has shut down the conversation about it saying ‘we can’t possibly owe them anything’ . He’s right of course. He doesn’t but I do. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay it without incurring further interest on the entire monthly bill. I’ve spent the morning digging out stuff to eBay but it isn’t enough and won’t be in my account by Tuesday when I need to pay it. I’m considering pawning some jewellery I don’t wear every day but I doubt it’ll raise enough. I’ve also never been to a pawn shop.

I don’t know why I’m posting really except to get it off my chest. I deserve no sympathy there are other people with far worse issues than me. But I guess this is my world at the moment and I can’t escape it. I know they’ll probably be LTB comments but this really isn’t his fault. I need to put my big girl pants on and explain how much stuff costs moving I guess. I can’t just go and get a job instantly without raising suspicion.

@Sublimeursula thank you. It’s as @TokyoSushi says. DP who can be tricky with money whilst also shouldering the majority of the financial burden.

You haven't been spending money recklessly you haven't got any spending to hide from him so explain you aren't coping and let him see the reality of what things cost.

Since when is suggesting an able bodied woman get a proper job “unhelpful?” 🤨😳

I'm confused, you spent money on things like school uniform for a child you share with your DP but it's your debt not his? He sounds like a tight, controlling, financially abusive arse to me. I think you made a mistake here having a child with him when you weren't married. Who owns the house?

Please believe me when I say I mean this kindly. You need to get some real life help.

It does read as if you are being financially abused, but it’s difficult to unpick, and that’s because it also sounds as if you are ENORMOUSLY anxious.

I would suggest as a first step ask yourself whether some of the bad things you believe are really true. For example is it really likely that your DP will lose his job as a result of stress in a difficult work week just because you have asked to borrow £600 from him? Or is it possible that isn’t is your anxiety making you think that?

Please speak to your Dr and possibly Women’s Aide to help you unpick what is going on

Time to put your big girl pants on and have an honest conversation with your partner.
You need to stop blaming yourself and sit down and go through EVERYTHING with him.
Stop hiding that you can't afford things, stop covering up that you can't afford things.
Talk to him and get your partner to help sort the situation you are both in.
The expenses are family expenses you are both liable for them.

I would suggest as a first step ask yourself whether some of the bad things you believe are really true. For example is it really likely that your DP will lose his job as a result of stress in a difficult work week just because you have asked to borrow £600 from him? Or is it possible that isn’t is your anxiety making you think that?

Yes. This jumped out to me too as classic catastrophising.

Possibly with an element of emotional abuse by the DP who may have said “If you stress me out I will lose my job and it will be YOUR FAULT”.

OP you need to real life friend to confide in about this.

Oh man, honestly you need a big hug and then a little bit of tough love. You NEED to speak to your DP on this and just come clean. You are a family and you both need to be honest about your financial situation. My DH looks appalled every time I talk about the food shop for the family because he doesn’t do it and has no idea how much stuff costs he even tried to float the idea that as a single man he’d eat like a king on £40 a week so I can absolutely see how you’ve got in to a pickle. However, this is not entirely your fault and your DP needs to accept responsibility for restricting the family finances to such an extent that this has happened. Be honest, apologise but certainly don’t grovel.

He won't discuss finances, he's financially abusing her

As others have said, the DC’s are things aren’t solely your responsibility, they have 2 parents.

For the longer term, do you need to have this type of card, or could you switch to a standard credit card? Also, once it’s sorted stop using the credit card and pay for household and the things for your DC from the joint account instead.

Have you got any friends who could lend you £600 for a few weeks?

If my friend told me this, as well as being pissed off on her behalf, I would lend her this money

It's a very small amount of money, you do sound like you are catastrophising about it ... or terrified of your husband ... I don't know which. From your post I thought it would be at least £5k

its all relative

Is this a US account or UK?

I only ask this as UK charge cards (I assume the same for US but haven't worked with the market) do not charge interest. If you don't pay the full balance you'd get a default charge of say £12 and it would show as a missed payment on your credit score. The only exception to this is if you have a flexible side of your account which runs as a credit facility primarily for larger purchases but this works in the same way as a credit card when it comes to interest calculations.

Did you raise you're complaint as a formal complaint? If not, do this now. They will be required to investigate and come back to you with a solution/fix/explanation (whether or not that is in your favour) in a set timeframe in accordance to FCA guidelines. Once this has done if you are not satisfied with the outcome, they will provide you with details to challenge this with the FCA. I know this won't fix the immediate issue however if they find that they are at fault, they will need to rectify anything caused such as refunding interest for the duration of the issue and rectifying any negative credit rating impact.

Sorry I can't give a quick fix solution x

I can’t understand, if my interpretation is wrong I apologise. He splits half his income after household expenses, except perhaps his bonus, after paying for his other children. He saves his share . You get half of this excess, plus your own small salary and you manage the household expenses. You’ve over spent and want him to give you the money from his savings?

can you take a loan from your bank for a small amount to cover the CC but then complain and follow up? Or tell him, be honest. It may lead to a better discussion on money all round.

Hi OP

I have got a solution for you, but you need to be very very careful with it - I had an Amex charge card when I was younger and I was pretty irresponsible (high earning but also super high spending).

They count refunds as “payments”. So, if I couldn’t pay a bill, I would purchase something (that in itself wouldn’t show until the next statement), then return it. So if you eg purchased a laptop for £1,200 then returned it later than same day, the refund would then count as a “payment” to the previous month’s statement balance. It doesn’t stop you owing the money, but it effectively gives you another month to pay it.

Amex do process refunds quickly so if you did this tomorrow and returned before the end of the business day, it the refund would probably appear by Wednesday. I don’t know if there’s a grace period before it’s immediately a late payment if not Tuesday but it’s possible.

As I said - not a long term solution by any means. But maybe it would work for you just in the immediate future.

Agree with this - how can you emotionally support a young adult who is out of the home 6-8 hours per day - the mind boggles

You're catastrophising over a few hundred quid when clearly as a unit you can afford it - I thought you were going to say thousands. you should have closed the credit card when all the problems started with the missing payment. Just talk to your partner and admit you messed up

For a high earning family unit, this really should be an extremely manageable situation

I'm sorry @Notaschoolgatemum you're a victim of domestic abuse;your being horribly financially abused,treated as a servant eg working for unfair pay,your being manipulated,gaslighted and stone walled.

Your DP is displaying very king of the castle type behaviour which is also a form of abuse.

What jumps out for me OP is that you shouldn't be this anxious about speaking to your partner about money. I think you made a mistake with regards to the CC, but it's in the hundreds of pounds, not thousands, and we all make mistakes. You really need to bite the bullet and tell him, tonight, don't give yourself more time to fret. And then you need to have an open and honest conversation about your future and finances. He may have no idea how much things cost, and he needs to know that- He may be frustrated at you being a SAHM to a person in their late teens, and you need to know that.

Good luck.

Yes, this. You say he has no idea what things cost - show him! Do an online shop with the kind of groceries, booze, toileteries, flowers etc. that were needed to entertain the friends he invited. Show him the cost of school uniform, haircuts, make-up, concert tickets, Christmas decorations, etc.

The kindest (but not the most likely) interpretation I can think of here is that your partner is the kind of lazy and entitled man who expects their wife / partner to run an immaculate house, entertain friends and family, cook lovely dinners and act as suitable arm candy for social occasions, but has no idea how much mental, physical and financial effort goes into this. In this case you need to really hammer home how much all the 'little niceties' he expects actually cost.
The (more probable) alternative is that he is financially abusive and you really need to look at extracting yourself from this relationship.

Just ask your high earning husband to cover the bill!? If you can't discuss basic family finances with him I'd get yourself a better job and get out of this abusive relationship.

This all sounds so dramatic over a relatively small credit card bill, especially if the majority of the bill is for household items such as school uniform, rather than grooming and clothes for you. Speak to your partner and get him to pay the bill. Get him to do some of the food shops then he will understand how much things cost. Then restart your career and get a properly paying job.

I floated the idea yesterday about the situation but DP has shut down the conversation about it saying ‘we can’t possibly owe them anything’ . He’s right of course. He doesn’t but I do.

You spent it on uniform and things for DD.

He owes 50% of that, despite you being the one to make the spending decision. You did so thinking you did have the funds. Now the billing situation shows that was an incorrect assumption but it’s not your fault.

You have to reopen the conversation and say ‘Actually, DP, we do owe them. This is what happened.’

He’ll be cross. But presumably that’s all - it won’t leave you destitute as a family.

Reopen the budgeting conversation once the immediate fire is dealt with.

This. Exactly this.

No advice, but I just want you to know you sound so lovely. I’m sorry you feel so stressed, I hope things work out for you xx