Fucked up massively

[Notaschoolgatemum]

To be clear, this is entirely my fault and somewhat of a FWP but I am panicking nevertheless at my own stupidity.

DP and I have a shared Credit/Charge card which we run all household expenses on to earn air-miles for holidays. DP is a high earner and although i used to be a high earner, I run our small business taking a minimum salary so that I can spend time with our teenage child before they leave for Uni and I’ve nursed my elderly father prior to his death last year. I may go back into the industry I was in before after they leave for uni but at the moment I rely entirely on DP for money. So not to drip feed, We have been together 20yrs. DP is fair in some respects and splits all available monthly income so we have equal spending money per month. However I’ve become aware he has received substantial bonuses and managed to save a substantial sum of money. He decides when we are going out etc. I have no access to this as it is all in his name. We support DSD’s at Uni as well as our DC. He is very generous with gifts but has no idea how much stuff costs when say he invites friends to stay for the weekend. I was deprived of money growing up and I am hyper aware of being poor so I often cover up when I am short to avoid embarrassment and the shame I felt when I was a child which is silly I know. To date, I have been very proud and not asked him for money so when stuff adds up beyond our household monthly budget I’ve gone without and covered the extra from my ‘allowance’. But I’m also ‘expected’ to show up as a ‘groomed’ for events which obviously costs money. I’ve also got into a situation where I’m in arrears rather than having the money to pay in the current month. Also my own fault. Last year, said card company lost a payment of ours totally several hundred £. They were entirely shit at finding the money with any sense of urgency hiding behind their service level agreements. Since then, their system has credited and debited the same amount at random points but often split across billing cycles so debited in one billing cycle then crediting in the next but as the interest penalty for not covering the entire bill in full is massive I’ve covered the extra. However back in August after a holiday I miscalculated the bill and didn’t realise the cc. had credited the amount lost twice in the same month so I thought I had more to spend. And I spent it on family stuff - DC was starting a new school so it went on new uniform etc. As I previously had the money this was not an issue but before Xmas the cc Co debited back the money and I thought it was a mistake so I didn’t pay it believing I didn’t owe it. But I do, plus the interest. So now I need to pay back the money plus the interest. I am worried sick. I don’t have the money and my low salary on paper means I have no access to credit. My bank has yesterday refused me a loan for the amount. I floated the idea yesterday about the situation but DP has shut down the conversation about it saying ‘we can’t possibly owe them anything’ . He’s right of course. He doesn’t but I do. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay it without incurring further interest on the entire monthly bill. I’ve spent the morning digging out stuff to eBay but it isn’t enough and won’t be in my account by Tuesday when I need to pay it. I’m considering pawning some jewellery I don’t wear every day but I doubt it’ll raise enough. I’ve also never been to a pawn shop.

I don’t know why I’m posting really except to get it off my chest. I deserve no sympathy there are other people with far worse issues than me. But I guess this is my world at the moment and I can’t escape it. I know they’ll probably be LTB comments but this really isn’t his fault. I need to put my big girl pants on and explain how much stuff costs moving I guess. I can’t just go and get a job instantly without raising suspicion.

Thinking practically about the problem and leaving your relationship with DP aside - your pawn shop idea could be the answer?

I have never pawned anything, so don’t know how well it pays, but could you take something valuable but not sentimental, that you can do without until you get your endowment and could re-purchase a new one if necessary?

Something like a TV? (tell DH broken / sent for repair?) a watch? Jewellery without sentimental value?

Crikey getting into a financially beholden relationship without a contract 😳 not smart

I can't see abuse? The OP seems to have brought this on herself.

Exactly. OP claims it’s for “tax reasons” but who really benefits? How much is she paying into a pension? She might be better off paying more tax on a higher income with higher pension payments. I wonder if DP used the tax line to keep her on a low salary so he has more financial control.

There is so much here that doesn't add up. As a PP said - you used to have a high paying job but have literally no savings to cover this bill?

Who chooses not to work when they're not married, have no savings, just one teenager living at home, and apparently could easily walk back into their high paying job? Especially when an unexpected bill of just £600 can send them into a tailspin of stress?

It's a mystery.

I can understand choosing to be a SAHP as she had a difficult upbringing, but doing so without a marriage contract married to, at best, a miser, is hugely financially risky.

I’m sure a PP mentioned a directors loan, but seems to have been missed with all the replies.

Assuming it’s a Ltd company - pay yourself a directors loan for the £600. Then pay it back before your companies tax year end. It won’t be included in your personal tax etc if you pay it back PDQ.

Also, remember you can take £2000pa in dividends tax free (if you’re a shareholder). Have you done that this year?

Sorry meant to say dividends can only be paid if your co is making enough profit to justify this. As you’ve said you are only taking minimum wage for tax purposes, I’m assuming there is a bit of excess cash in the business.

Someone who has been slowly gaslit and financially abused for years because she never felt worth her previous income, who was used to going without so wasn't money savvy and has been playing catch-up for decades and ended up with almost adult children and nothing for themselves.

I don't think this is financial abuse/control.

I also agree with those who are baffled as to why you're a stay at home mum to a 16 year old, when you could be (supposedly) earning a high wage for yourself. Surely your 16 year old would be out at school/college/work the majority of the day, like you'd be if you were working? Is there something you haven't mentioned?

You are being financially abused , I would immediately start looking a job, your kids are big , why you’re not working full time and you lower yourself in receiving dribs and drabs from your husband?
Are you scared of him? or why can’t you ask him for the money ?
Quick solving problem is to get a loan , some companies will transfer the money in few hours after being accepted and is all done online , no paperwork at your door , I recommend Lendable

If the husband gives her “£10” a month for groceries and expects wagyu steak at every dinner , what is it ? if not financial abuse?

How did the initial conversation about you quitting your job go, and what was agreed about finances then?

On the face of it he doesn’t sound financially abusive, but then again if someone posted on here saying their DH decided to quit their job and work minimum wage instead to spend more time with their able bodied teenager, I’d probably be saying he sounds like a cocklodger, needs to pull his weight and say they shouldn’t be subsiding him. So hard to say really.

Sounds like your options are either: withdraw money from your savings and business account to pay off cc, talk to DP to pay off cc, or use savings to make minimum payments and then in May pay off total balance plus interest

*does sound financially abusive, that should say.

How much of your income goes to the joint account OP? The whole lot?

I know you said your husband was cautious about protecting his money but from what you have told us I find it really hard to understand why you are struggling to find £600. I was really expecting a lot more, thousands to be honest. Something is very wrong in your relationship if you cannot ask for help with that amount of money.

If he gives a set amount that isn't enough & Op daren't speak to him about that or ask him to pay a bill as it will get more expensive if not paid now then if it's not abuse there's something badly wrong!

Very wrong.

@Sublimeursula is spot on!

No she’s not. She’s just blind to the control. Women don’t have to be denied all money to be financially abused.

You rightly observe that something is very wrong in a relationship when OP can’t talk about this issue with her DP.

I think he thinks he’s doing the right thing by not allowing me to ‘overspend’ by restricting my access to money and do creating savings. Yet he can spend what he likes. I know this is ridiculous. I have no power to change this.

someone controlling your spending is financial abuse, he wants you to spend for the lifestyle but you don't have the means to do that.

TBH I would get a job, you can't go on like this.
sort out the credit card - somehow try step change to act as an intermediary

No, I don’t think you are correct. OP says they have the same amount of spending money. However she has also been covering the shortfall in household budget purely from her spending money. And covering DCs uniform. And she is too scared to speak to her DH about any of it.

I think you're mad not to work full time in a high paying job if you have the ability to do so. My parents didn't give me much emotional support, but they both worked full time and I think I appreciated that more because I knew how important it was to put food on the table and that my mum had independence. You're incredibly vulnerable if you don't have a stable, dependable job and you're not married.

Then why are you bothering to work for it? There's tons of flexible min wage jobs around, get one of those or better still, get a job that matches your earning potential. You're not a minimum wage person you have greater capabilities. If you get back to work ASAP, not when DC goes uni, you'll be able to pay the interest accrued on the credit card. The business is both of yours so why do you have to work there for peanuts? The reduced tax paid due to your low wages suits him, benefits him. I'll bet the job you do for the business isn't even a min wage type job too. All suits him. Go work for Tesco or McDonald's or something and get a better deal.

Your DP is financially abusive with the restricted access to money, not given enough for household expenses and the lifestyle he expects you both to lead and the refusing to discuss it. That he has reasons for his behaviour and thinks he's being reasonable doesn't change this. He isn't being reasonable. It may surprise you to know all abusive people think their reasons for being so are perfectly ok.

Money isn't being split 50/50, that's after he's creamed off the bonuses and paid for the DSC (who aren't your financial responsibility at all). So you're receiving less than half, less than you would if he funds his DSC and personal savings from his own 50% .

He's got a set up where all family expenses are paid on a CC in your name so the final bill stops with you. This should be a joint card for which he's jointly responsible for the bill. That would be fair, the current set up isn't.

He gives an allowance for basic family costs then adds on expenses, beauty wishes he has for you and entertainment costs for friends, then expects you to pay. That's out of order, OP.

And you're too afraid of his reaction to tell him "hey great our friends coming, but the weekend will cost eg circa £300 and there's only £100 left on the CC limit which is needed for DC new shoes, so please give me £300 or I can't shop for food for friends and we'll not be going out". He's using your embarrassment to prevent you saying anything to friends and forcing you to pay up out of your own pocket. It's manipulative.

Yes he is nasty. You're afraid of his reaction. That's not because he's the picture of reasonableness, all sweetness and light. It's because he displayed temper if he doesn't get his own way. And you're altering your own behaviour to avoid that. This is what abuse does to you, that altering of your own behaviour and also you being convinced it's all your own fault when it isn't.

This! He's got her believing it's best if she works for their business. Tying her up in a situation where ALL her finances are somehow dependent on her being in a relationship with him AND all the regular household expenses go in a CC in her sole name, meaning he could at any moment refuse to pay the allowance this month and she's screwed. The debt she's slowly accruing (which will eventually erode ALL her savings if the situation goes on long enough) will mean she can't easily move out/start again elsewhere. ie he's got her trapped in a situation where she effectively can't leave him.

It is 100% financial abuse for the purpose of coercive control. It's just being done on the sly, via manipulation rather than outright bullying, so she (and half the posters on this thread) hasn't seen it.