Fucked up massively

[Notaschoolgatemum]

To be clear, this is entirely my fault and somewhat of a FWP but I am panicking nevertheless at my own stupidity.

DP and I have a shared Credit/Charge card which we run all household expenses on to earn air-miles for holidays. DP is a high earner and although i used to be a high earner, I run our small business taking a minimum salary so that I can spend time with our teenage child before they leave for Uni and I’ve nursed my elderly father prior to his death last year. I may go back into the industry I was in before after they leave for uni but at the moment I rely entirely on DP for money. So not to drip feed, We have been together 20yrs. DP is fair in some respects and splits all available monthly income so we have equal spending money per month. However I’ve become aware he has received substantial bonuses and managed to save a substantial sum of money. He decides when we are going out etc. I have no access to this as it is all in his name. We support DSD’s at Uni as well as our DC. He is very generous with gifts but has no idea how much stuff costs when say he invites friends to stay for the weekend. I was deprived of money growing up and I am hyper aware of being poor so I often cover up when I am short to avoid embarrassment and the shame I felt when I was a child which is silly I know. To date, I have been very proud and not asked him for money so when stuff adds up beyond our household monthly budget I’ve gone without and covered the extra from my ‘allowance’. But I’m also ‘expected’ to show up as a ‘groomed’ for events which obviously costs money. I’ve also got into a situation where I’m in arrears rather than having the money to pay in the current month. Also my own fault. Last year, said card company lost a payment of ours totally several hundred £. They were entirely shit at finding the money with any sense of urgency hiding behind their service level agreements. Since then, their system has credited and debited the same amount at random points but often split across billing cycles so debited in one billing cycle then crediting in the next but as the interest penalty for not covering the entire bill in full is massive I’ve covered the extra. However back in August after a holiday I miscalculated the bill and didn’t realise the cc. had credited the amount lost twice in the same month so I thought I had more to spend. And I spent it on family stuff - DC was starting a new school so it went on new uniform etc. As I previously had the money this was not an issue but before Xmas the cc Co debited back the money and I thought it was a mistake so I didn’t pay it believing I didn’t owe it. But I do, plus the interest. So now I need to pay back the money plus the interest. I am worried sick. I don’t have the money and my low salary on paper means I have no access to credit. My bank has yesterday refused me a loan for the amount. I floated the idea yesterday about the situation but DP has shut down the conversation about it saying ‘we can’t possibly owe them anything’ . He’s right of course. He doesn’t but I do. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay it without incurring further interest on the entire monthly bill. I’ve spent the morning digging out stuff to eBay but it isn’t enough and won’t be in my account by Tuesday when I need to pay it. I’m considering pawning some jewellery I don’t wear every day but I doubt it’ll raise enough. I’ve also never been to a pawn shop.

I don’t know why I’m posting really except to get it off my chest. I deserve no sympathy there are other people with far worse issues than me. But I guess this is my world at the moment and I can’t escape it. I know they’ll probably be LTB comments but this really isn’t his fault. I need to put my big girl pants on and explain how much stuff costs moving I guess. I can’t just go and get a job instantly without raising suspicion.

So we are talking about a debt of £600 to £1200 pounds top?

You need to pay as much as you can off this month. Sit down with your other half and jointly work out a plan to stay on top of the remaining repayments. It can come out of your money or his, either way this is eminently resolvable. Especially if you explain it to him as you have to us, and explain you realise it is your fault.

If he can't support you to do this? Then quite honestly others are right there may be something you need to work through in your relationship but money probably isn't it.

Even if you pay the minimum paekt per month, as long as you don't stack any more on there it will eventually come back down quite painlessly over time. Yes you will be paying interest, but better than sleepless nights.

The cc made the initial mistake
Can u talk to them and ask to set up small monthly payments, they won’t want to put it to a debt collectors as they’ll lose money. So you’re offering a solution at least.

Agree with other PPs. Your dp is not being fare you have kids it should all be joint

I don't think it's an unreasonable strategy to save bonuses etc and live on your salary, but clearly if that is the idea then your family are living beyond your means currently.

Either your dp accepts he can't save as much, or you both accept that you both need to cut your spending or increase your earnings.

Anyway, that doesn't sort the current problem which is one of not being able to speak to your partner about a relatively minor financial hiccup. You said earlier that you won't discuss it out of "pride", or possibly you're being abused - either way this isn't a healthy relationship.

Neither him just giving you access no questions asked to his savings, nor you scrabbling around to find enough to pawn to pay a bill are substitutes for a grown up conversation about finances.

I think going forward you should cost up things like school uniform and make sure he pays if it's not covered by your day to day budget. Also consider whether you're at least making minimum wage in your business or whether doing something else might be better financially.

I'd echo others that it's hard to tell if he's abusive or if you're just extremely conflict averse and anxious. If the latter, possibly worth another go at explaining the situation to him? If he's financially abusive he still might 'lend' you the money which might be worth doing if there won't be other consequences.

He thinks he earns enough to have the finest range in any supermarket. He has no idea about what things cost

Why are you shielding him from the realities of life?

If he doesn't 'earn enough to have the finest range in any supermarket' then he needs to ideally work this out for himself, which you'd think is fucking obvious if he has the capability to be a high earner, but if not, you need to tell him that so he can appropriately fund the joint account and also make informed choices when buying things.

But if you've got into debt buying household items and he has savings, you also need him to transfer some more money to cover this.

Alternatively, buy the cheapest of the cheap food and everything else until you've freed up enough money to cover the debt. A few days of beans on toast for dinner should focus his mind into finding a solution to what should be a minor problem when he's a high earner with savings and there's a relatively small shortfall in the bills account.

This is financial abuse OP. And because you’re not married you’re in a vulnerable situation financially. Why are you taking only a “minimum salary”, have you been paying into a pension?

The credit card company need to sort out their mistake.

You (and DH) need to agree an actual, not an extremely tight family budget. It sounds like he has no problem covering this, and giving you money for your personal spending, he simply doesn't understand the current budget isn't sensible because OP has been hiding it. So time to tell him.

I am cynically wondering if the OP is taking time out to emotionally support DC and a minimum salary so as to ensure her DC qualifies for maximum student loans.

@DelisButAlsoCrime thank you. It is an Amex card so you understand the issues. If it were a Barclaycard or similar, the interest would be charged on the outstanding balance. An Amex card charges interest on the whole balance before any payments have been made even if it is just a tenner short on a £3k balance so it is not the case of a partial payment helping in the short term.

thank you to everyone else who has taken the time to post. Yes I need to get rid of the card. Yes I need to have a chat with DP when I have a better state of mind. I also take the point about minimum Wage. Yes I need to show the cost of entertaining. The main issue with the household budget has been the mortgage rising as we are on base rate tracker. Previously I could cover any overspend by reducing the spend on food etc but now with the cost of utilities and everything else rising it isn’t possible. I definitely need to show him why I agree.

Regarding the comments about wanting to be there for my DC, for those of you that had great supportive parents, I’m glad for you but you might not understand how others feel. I had a difficult upbringing so I actively try and avoid conflict as a result. I didn’t have any support as a teenager which is why I want to be there for my DC as in reality I only have 1.5 years left before Uni. I have plenty of time to work FT in the business or my old industry thereafter.

Thank you all.

What jumps out for me OP is that you shouldn't be this anxious about speaking to your partner about money.
Agreed.

He is a nasty man despite your insistence OP. No decent man financially abuses their partner, leaves them too scared to talk to them about money, will start drama or be in a huff when discussing a difficult situation, nitpicks your appearance. Some heavy scales on those eyes Op.

Previously I could cover any overspend by reducing the spend on food etc but now with the cost of utilities and everything else rising it isn’t possible. I definitely need to show him why I agree.

I think the partners who don't do the shop/top up electricity etc don't know the costs really have raised that much despite all the news op. It took my DP being off a week and doing the shopping/gas/elec before he realised how much I was paying out. Everything is still rising teeny bits here and there and it makes all the difference to the end shopping bill

@redskydelight the credit card companies can hide behind a 35 day period to reply. I raised the issue mid November. Despite chasing they have only replied yesterday, 4 days before the payment is due. No, my DC would not qualify for any student loan. Nor do their siblings. I’m

OP you’re focussing on the CC issue and the recent cost of living and ignoring the elephant in the room which is your DP’s general attitude to money. This will not be fixed by a “chat”.

@twoandcooplease absolutely this. However misguided, I’ve tried not to complain about the cost of living which is not his fault. I need to show him.

This sounds really messy. If he’s splitting what left over between you and you have a small amount of extra income (which you are choosing to take as mi for tax reasons) you should be ok (what does all available income mean, is it after mortgage, bills, food shop). Is he contributing to all the kids or only the sc? What exactly do you pay for only by yourself? How much is the income that you get from your DP?

You are saying stuff costs more than DP think, but you are including stuff like being “groomed” for stuff he wants you to go to. And he doesn’t know how much food costs? I mean unless the entire food shop is coming out of only your account then he would notice surely? He sounds simultaneously controlling and completely ignorant of household money.

Sorry, I’m probably going to get flamed here but it sounds like theres a lot of fluff in your post and I’m feeling like theres an element of poor financial control on your part here.

You shouldn’t be scared of raising it with your partner though. What are you scared of? That he’ll go mad? That you will be embarrassed? That spending will come under scrutiny?

I only have 1.5 years left before Uni. I've seen more of my dd since she moved out than I did when she lived here! It's not like joining the army.

Unless he's living under a rock, he knows about the cost of living. Everyone knows about the cost of living.

Also, you say you worked in a high paying industry for many years, yet don't have 600 to pay off a card. Do you mean that you literally have no savings at all? Like, no ISA's or anything?

Although I agree your DP is financially abusive, I think you maybe need to consider whether, knowing what he's like, you can afford to give up your earnings potential to do a hobby job. I'd argue probably not, unless your start up has unicorn potential, and seems not from what you say in terms of anticipating returning to your former industry -i.e. you're not anticipating it becoming hugely valuable.

Aside from the issue of this credit card bill, it is nuts thag you are taking minimum wage from your husband's business while he builds up savings in his name only and you struggle to pay household expenses.

As you are not married, if you split up you will be high and dry

Are you a director of the company?

Also you need to be a lot firmer with Amex - just threaten to close the account unless they sort their error out immediately, credit the 700 when it was supposed to be credited, reissue the corrected statements and waive all erroneous interest charges.

I differ from all the tea and sympathy being offered here op. You don’t have young children, you chose not to work, even though your teen will be in school most of the time, so could easily work, and you’re certainly not too proud to let your husband pay for everything whilst you don’t work and your kids out the house.

now you’ve over spent and are too embarrassed to tell him. Personally I think you need to own it, tell him and you need to get a job.

Although I agree your DP is financially abusive

can you explain to me why he’s the financially abusive one when she chooses not to work and have him pay for everything?

you’re going to have to explain that one to me.

It is abuse and he's getting away with it because of your past op. I had a similar upbringing and tendency to similar worries but your partner is a grade a dick! Give him the bill, tell him to pay it or fuck off and youll pay with your divorce settlement

Fgs tell your DH exactly the situation. Exactly. Tell him why and what happens if it doesn't get paid. Tell him your dd will miss out going forward as you can't end up in this situation again and you are contributing way more than you can afford. Tell him the shopping will now be cheaper no high end things. Make the changes and let him see the impact. Let your dd ask him for money for the extras. You're facilitating this. He should pay it off quite frankly. But he can't if you don't spell out the whole situation clearly.

He pays you an allowance and expects you to pay all the household bills I bet. He has you thinking you're lucky but I bet you've no freedom either and he likes it that way.

He pays what he thinks is enough to cover all bills and gives the OP enough for spending money for herself.
he supports his DC at university.

OP has one teenage child and chooses not to work whilst relying on him financially.

I know there is a tendency to always blame the man but there really is no suggestion of financial abuse as opposed to ignorance of how much things cost, here.

And they are not married, so there won't be a divorce settlement.

She has good earning potential but he encourages her to stay home and run his wee business and not get paid much for it while raising their child

He insists she's arm candy as required

He kiscks up such a fuss about money while also hiding funds that she's afraid to tell him she over spent on THEIR CHILDS UNIFORM.

None of that is standard and Ll points to insidious abuse