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Original poster

buying house with fiscally irresponsible DP

115 replies

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 14:42

We are currently renting. Partner wants to buy a house together. I don’t feel comfortable buying a house together. He has no savings. Been together 4 years and he hasn’t managed to save even though we’re on similar wages and share costs of living equally. He has a car on finance and always manages to get speeding fines or parking fines pop up. He is fiscally irresponsible and tends to buy takeaways daily instead of taking a packed lunch to work. He won’t look at prices when shopping for groceries, just picks up anything and puts it in trolley without budgeting. I tend to be the one who is better at managing finances and saving. He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit and he will split the mortgage and bills 50/50. I’ve asked him to try his best to save, and he just says he is trying his best but something always comes up. We’ve suggested to get a declaration of trust to protect my deposit. Should I buy with him?

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 20/01/2023 09:45

Well there's your answer Op. if you can't have a conversation with him about being financial responsible before you buy a house, how do you think you'll manage to have one after?

Don't merge finances with him u til he has proved himself more responsible. And stop paying his half of his bills - make sure he transfers money to you as soon as he is paid so that he hasn't had time to spend it.

Alternatively, and I really wish you would do this, bin this one. He isn't a good partner.

TeeBee · 20/01/2023 09:45

For Christ's sake OP, throw this one back!! There are better ones out there!

Rafferty10 · 20/01/2023 09:45

So many red flags here op....
If there is one important thing you need to be able to navigate together calmly its difficult conversations..

How will it be when these type of scenarios crop up in future years,

You get sick and he needs to support the household
You lose your job and he needs to budget very carefully for a period of time
You have a miscarriage or child illness and money needs to be saved/put aside
Elderly parents asking for support or to move in household budget needs to be reassessed.

These may not happen but some are likely to (or others) and you need a partner who is mature enough to be responsible and talk things through calmly.

He is not that ....run for the hills.

dontleaveitthere · 20/01/2023 09:49

You know what. He knows that you've settled for him. He knows you don't feel confident that you'd find someone else.

And he's okay with that because you're subbing his lifestyle

Why would he save? He has you. Why would he pay for holidays? He has you. Why would he grow up and work out how to budget? He has you.

A good relationship is one based on equality and respect. Not necessarily equal pay but all I see here is he wants you to foot the bill to buy him a house

Staying with a cocklodging twat draining you of money and self esteem has to be worse than being single. (I'm not saying you will stay single! Just the immediate alternatives are stay with Twat or be single. It's a no brainier for me)

lamaze1 · 20/01/2023 09:53

"and since I’m the one with more savings then I should be the one contributing more"

Op the entitlement here is shocking! You don't people you care for like this. He is taking advantage of you. Do not buy a house with him. In fact, review the relationship.

icelolly12 · 20/01/2023 09:57

He's not in a position to buy a house. He has no deposit and is reckless with money. No mortgage lender would lend to him. Have you seen his credit report?

2.He's defensive about his situation as he knows he's got nothing to offer, and you can't talk to him openly and honestly. This is a MASSIVE red flag. RUN! Don't get trapped with him.

Clymene · 20/01/2023 09:57

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

You know what he sees in you? 👛 You're his blank cheque book. Please dump him and work on your self esteem. This guy is not helping, he's making it worse. Honestly you are doing yourself so much damage by staying in this relationship.

Spend your money on good therapy instead.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/01/2023 10:01

Saying that I know he’s financial situation and it’s hard for him to save and budget because no one taught him how to do that and I shouldn’t be shoving it in his face

Oh one of those. Not just financially irresponsible but it's always someone else's fault and 'just stop nagging me and expecting me to change!'

No-one taught me to save and budget either. I learned, and I didn't even have the benefit of the internet. All those people telling you to bin him? listen.

And relaionships and living with someone aren't mandatory. Nor is living together even if you're a couple.

SnackyOnassis · 20/01/2023 10:17

You've got plenty of wise responses advising you not to buy a house with (realistically, FOR) this sponge, so I think you know the score on that one.
But the bigger worry here is the relationship you're in, OP. You know you don't trust him, you don't want to buy a house with him, don't see yourself marrying him, and most importantly, can't have a conversation with him about big topics without him exploding, so you're scared of him.
What are you getting out of this relationship?

Is it companionship? Get a dog. They're loyal and they can't order takeaways.

Sex? A poster on another thread said this earlier and I wholeheartedly agree - dick is cheap and plentiful. You'll never struggle to find sex.

Just not being alone? You are alone in this relationship, OP. If you got sick or the money ran out, would he step up? Stick around and take care of you? Of course he'll tell you he will, but you already know how he handles responsibility.

The prospect of children? I think you probably know this man is not the man to have children with, so if this is a factor for you, it's all the more reason to move on.

OP, life is long if we're lucky, and if you're not prioritising yourself throughout it, or spending it with someone who puts you first, it's long and miserable. I'd throw out the whole damn man.

FinallyHere · 20/01/2023 11:35

it’s hard for him to save and budget because no one taught him how to do that and I shouldn’t be shoving it in his face .and since I’m the one with more savings then I should be the one contributing more

Oh dear, this isn't what I call an example of an adult, adulting.

How difficult can it be to stop spending and start saving? Hmmmm

do not like approaching sensitive subjects such as money issues because he does tend to get very defensive in these situations

OK, finally here's life guide

Do not get involved with people who react in this way when things go wrong. Find someone who reacts well to bad things happening, to share your life. Moreover, do not continue your involvement with someone who trains you to not raise 'sensitive' subjects.

Easier for an outsider to say and you will possibly find all sorts of reasons why it's not his fault. It very much is something only he can fix and he's not looking to tackle this any time soon

Just like all those things your mother told you to do, which seemed sooo old fashioned at the time snd turn out to be spot on.

The very idea that he should continue to fritter his money on takeaway while you spend your savings on him is just.so.wrong on so many levels.

While I am at it, I strongly advise you to take a picture of yourself and put it away for twenty years. You will then see clearly how beautiful you are now. I can vouch for this, it happened to me. You are also worth so much more than this looser who thinks you owe him.

Spring23 · 20/01/2023 11:54

After your last posts, do not buy with him. You really need to re think the relationship, he's a child.

TerfOnATrain · 20/01/2023 18:25

Wow just wow.

i would buy a property myself, and let him know when you’ve got the keys and you’re leaving.

never have I read anything as entitled as he is.

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/09/2023 22:15

"he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together" but you won't be buying it together. He doesn't have anything to contribute.

cestlavielife · 28/09/2023 12:01

Get married then he ll get your pension too when you divorce...

But no,
Quit now, you do not need this non adult in your life
No one taught him? He can learn... or not because you will do everything

Xenia · 29/09/2023 21:09

As he has not offered to marry you, probably safest to buy in your name with a solicitor drawing up a cohabitation agreement with perhaps him paying you some monthly rent (or buy in joint names as tenants in common with your share higher).

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