Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

buying house with fiscally irresponsible DP

115 replies

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 14:42

We are currently renting. Partner wants to buy a house together. I don’t feel comfortable buying a house together. He has no savings. Been together 4 years and he hasn’t managed to save even though we’re on similar wages and share costs of living equally. He has a car on finance and always manages to get speeding fines or parking fines pop up. He is fiscally irresponsible and tends to buy takeaways daily instead of taking a packed lunch to work. He won’t look at prices when shopping for groceries, just picks up anything and puts it in trolley without budgeting. I tend to be the one who is better at managing finances and saving. He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit and he will split the mortgage and bills 50/50. I’ve asked him to try his best to save, and he just says he is trying his best but something always comes up. We’ve suggested to get a declaration of trust to protect my deposit. Should I buy with him?

OP posts:
Draconis · 19/01/2023 16:35

Sorry, my post should say I Don't think it would be wise

lamaze1 · 19/01/2023 16:36

Buy alone and make sure you're protected so he can't lay claim to your property.

LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 16:37

And yes I can afford to buy a place on my own but he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together

he sees you as his cash cow. How charming...

Magenta65 · 19/01/2023 16:39

I’ve been the DP in this situation but I was a lower earner, not ready to move out and buy but an opportunity cropped up that we could refuse. My DP covered the deposit but everything else has been 50/50 and I’m now a higher earner so makes things easier. We were committed to our future together and it’s been almost 5 years since we bought. Your DP needs to show willing here in helping to buy. Does he have cash for household items etc? How will he manage reducing his spending? It was a no brained for me as I wanted my house but your DP needs to think this through and commit. You can ring fence your deposit contribution when you sort out the paper work

Ihavedogs · 19/01/2023 16:44

He either needs to pull his finger out pretty darn quick, or you need to consider walking away, otherwise you will spend the rest of your days being responsible for the money in the relationship.

You deserve so much more than this.

ThePear · 19/01/2023 16:47

It’s so sad you think so lowly of yourself that you’d pay some absolute loser to be your boyfriend. This is such a glaringly obvious disaster of an idea it should never even have been an option.

Can you do any work on your self esteem? There’s no reason to live like this, the bloke is not functioning on a basic level, never mind fit to date, and he thinks you’re stupid enough to keep funding him. You should be furious.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 19/01/2023 16:51

LadyDanburysHat · 19/01/2023 14:46

Think long term, this is not just about buying a house, but your whole future. Do you want kids with someone who can't be responsible with his finances? How would you cope on ML with not salary of your own?

Even if no kids do you want to always be the person who has to save and pay for anything in the house or holidays because he spunks his money on crap?

This.

This is never going to work out.

Bail out now and find someone responsible and compatible.

Seriously, even if you think you love him. This is a non-starter.

You have already wasted 4 years. Don't waste any more.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2023 16:53

yes I can afford to buy a place on my own but he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together

To which the only answer is that he needs a deposit in order to buy in.

Do not let him buy in to your house.

LegoGoldenDragon · 19/01/2023 16:55

Buy your own place. If you stay with him make sure that there is a contract to show that you have 100% ownership and he is paying rent/bills, not towards the mortgage.

Fluffymule · 19/01/2023 17:02

No.

I wouldn't even consider marrying him either, if that was something he was to suggest.

Keep your financial independence always. Your home, savings and any pension pot becoming marital assets he can claim should never happen with a man like this.

2bazookas · 19/01/2023 17:17

No.

But you know that.

MoneyWhatMoney · 19/01/2023 17:32

You would be making a mistake to buy a house with this man.
Read this thread before you do anything else - http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4723410-to-expect-my-exh-to-rent-rather-than-buy

Of course he wants you to buy a house together - you'll be responsible for the finances so on the months he can't pay his share (and they will happen) he'll shrug his shoulders and you'll cover it because what choice will you have?
Also, you say you don't want to financially tie yourself to him by getting married but a joint mortgage is a huge joint financial connection.

TheProvincialLady · 19/01/2023 17:36

He sounds like a real loser. Speeding and parking fines?! He’s just a teenager and will drag you down.

Every day you spend in this relationship is a day when you can’t and won’t meet a decent man. You are worth a decent man.

HowcanIhelp123 · 19/01/2023 17:46

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

Show quote history

Sorry to be blunt, but the thing he's seen in you is that you have money, and are enough of a mug/have low enough self esteem to put up with his shit. You absolutely don't need to settle. You are worth so much more than this cocklodger.

Bananalanacake · 19/01/2023 17:55

You can have a relationship without living together you know. Don't buy a house with him and don't settle.

Ponderingwindow · 19/01/2023 17:57

I wouldn’t even continue to date someone like that. Fiscal responsibility is a basic requirement. Anyone can make a mistake and get a single speeding or parking ticket, but it should be an extremely rare occurrence.

AaandAway · 19/01/2023 17:57

You can do better than this. In a relationship, when love gets tangled up with money and value and self-worth, it always always ends badly. You'll inevitably end up feeling as if you're his mum, his landlord, his economics teacher, his bank manager, the fun police...

The ick will arrive before your first annual mortgage statement, seriously.

ComfortablyDazed · 19/01/2023 18:00

@Housingquery there’s a reason you started this thread.

You know the answer.

Theunamedcat · 19/01/2023 18:03

Stop paying for treats save every penny buy yourself a house leave him behind

NewUserName2023 · 19/01/2023 18:05

You are the responsible "parent" in this relationship. Concerns about money don't enhance any relationship. Just don't!

tribpot · 19/01/2023 18:08

Ihatethenewlook · 19/01/2023 14:48

Fuck. No.

This has summarised my feelings perfectly. Please don't even consider this.

I also find the idea that he always manages to get speeding fines deeply unattractive. Any of us could make a mistake but that plus the constant parking tickets make me think he is just an arrogant prick boy racer.

You can definitely do better than him. And even if you didn't meet someone else, you would be far better off both emotionally and financially.

PenanceAdair · 19/01/2023 18:09

Should you? Really?

Don't do it. You'll be paying for the house alone. He's already shown you what he's capable of.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2023 18:12

Here is another way to think about it. You are essentially paying for his company. Is he worth it?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2023 18:13

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

Show quote history

Yes, YOUR MONEY. Stop being a doormat, op. Fucking hell, you must be desperate to be with a man to settle for a loser like him.

Cornishclio · 19/01/2023 18:17

I think you would be crazy to buy with him. I would plan your future without him. He is using you. If he wanted to make a future with you he would make an effort. After 4 years he has run out of chances. Do you want to be supporting him financially for the rest of your life? Buy a house by all means for your future but don't let him move in. He says you are a couple but it looks like only you are working towards a future. He just sees you as the bill payer. I think you deserve better.