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Original poster

buying house with fiscally irresponsible DP

115 replies

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 14:42

We are currently renting. Partner wants to buy a house together. I don’t feel comfortable buying a house together. He has no savings. Been together 4 years and he hasn’t managed to save even though we’re on similar wages and share costs of living equally. He has a car on finance and always manages to get speeding fines or parking fines pop up. He is fiscally irresponsible and tends to buy takeaways daily instead of taking a packed lunch to work. He won’t look at prices when shopping for groceries, just picks up anything and puts it in trolley without budgeting. I tend to be the one who is better at managing finances and saving. He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit and he will split the mortgage and bills 50/50. I’ve asked him to try his best to save, and he just says he is trying his best but something always comes up. We’ve suggested to get a declaration of trust to protect my deposit. Should I buy with him?

OP posts:
userlotsanumbers · 19/01/2023 15:23

'should I buy a house with a cocklodger?'
Hell, no.
Nay, nay and thrice nay. Give your head a wobble.

AlisonDonut · 19/01/2023 15:24

Good god no. Don't even think about it.

StellaAndCrow · 19/01/2023 15:28

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

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Many many people will see something in you! I wonder if being with him is actually affecting your self esteem? My first boyfriend did that, just odd little comments that made me think I was lucky to be with him. Looking back, he was the lucky one and I shouldn't have stayed so long.

StellaAndCrow · 19/01/2023 15:29

And you say you're not sociable - you don't have to be sociable to find or be in a relationship. From your initial post, I assume you're working, so you will be in contact with people that way. Sometimes working is as much "socialising" as you need :)

StellaAndCrow · 19/01/2023 15:31

Do you think you could maybe stop covering his share of things for a while? e.g. not immediately stepping up to pay when he's 'short'. Particularly as you know he does have the money, but spends it frivolously.

Always4Brenner · 19/01/2023 15:32

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

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I’m no Beauty but never again will I look for a man I’ve had it up to here. Please be happy with your life and self don’t settle for 5th best. I’d rather be single forever than ever deal with a man child then thrift (always wants money for fags weed etc)

Riverlee · 19/01/2023 15:34

You’ve been together four years. Can you maybe sit down with him and ‘teach’ him budgeting? Use the Moneysavingexpert budget planner and work out expenses. Set up accounts so his money automatically gets saved, goes into joint ‘bills’ account, emergency fund, house deposit etc. Set mutually agreed ‘spending money’, ie. Money he can fritter away. See how this works out over 6-12 months. With you carrying the load, he doesn’t have to, so maybe it’s time he grew up and takes some of the responsibility.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 19/01/2023 15:40

You shouldn't have to teach him to budget. I think he would resent you. Do not buy a house with someone who can't even save his share of a deposit. He's using you and it sounds like he's also eroded your self esteem.

Spring23 · 19/01/2023 15:40

Hmmmm - not as a 50/50 split of equity - I'd assume I was paying a higher percentage of bills and repairs and therefore may consider some sort of shared ownership with him as long as he commits to his mortgage contribution and owning less than 50 percent.

He's not a complete deadbeat as he covers the rent, so if he committed to putting that to a mortgage with less than 50 percent ownership understanding he doesn't always cover bills and repairs - it could still be in your interest to buy with him but not as an equal or an implicit subsidy.

Tbh it depends how honest he is about his financial mismanagement or whether he's after a subsidy.

Spring23 · 19/01/2023 15:42

I agree with others though, I worry about your self esteem. Neither sociable nor a famous beauty here either!

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 15:43

What happens when he says he can't pay the mortgage? Would you be able to trust him? What if you wanted to have a baby together? Don't do it. Make him save £10k to prove he can be responsible.

Throwncrumbs · 19/01/2023 15:44

It’s got cocklodger written all over it. Soon as you buy together and move in , he will be giving up his job for one reason or another(or even sacked), and you will be paying for everything. It’s a no from me too!

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 15:47

Imagine being on mat leave and he wasting all his salary! This would not end well. You know what he's like so surely you must see it is a bad idea. What would you advise a sister in this situation?

Throwncrumbs · 19/01/2023 15:48

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

Show quote history

Oh lovey, stay in rented or buy on your own. He has seen something in you…your purse!

JackieDaws · 19/01/2023 15:49

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:16

I don’t really see myself finding a new relationship since I’m not highly attractive or very sociable etc. so I’ve settled for him as he has seen something in me.

Show quote history

Sadly that's why he's suggested this idea of his. He knows your self confidence and self esteem is on the floor so he's using it to his advantage by wasting all his money because he knows you'll subsidise him forever.

Patchworksack · 19/01/2023 15:53

Hang on. So not only has he no savings, but on roughly equal incomes you are paying for holidays and trips, more than your share of the bills and household expenses and managing to save a decent deposit while he is constantly skint? It gets worse.
If you can afford to buy a property on your own then do that and get yourself on the ladder rather than renting. Take some legal advice on how to have him as a rent paying lodger without him gaining an interest in the property so you can kick him out when you get fed up of his unattractive sponging. He would be a terrible prospect as a long term partner, husband or father unless he can make significant changes. Maybe he never learned to budget? Or maybe he’s a cocklodger.

orbitalcrisis · 19/01/2023 16:05

You could give him a year to change, save some money and truly pay 50% or you'll buy a house alone. Or buy a house alone now and say if he does the above, you will let him buy 50% of your investment to date and go 50/50 on the mortgage from that point.

larchforest · 19/01/2023 16:17

Hahahaha. Nope.

Sorry OP, but you already know it is a bad idea, don't you?

cestlavielife · 19/01/2023 16:19

He would love to marry you
To get half your pension too

deeperthanallroses · 19/01/2023 16:25

And yes I can afford to buy a place on my own but he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together
couples who earn the same save together. No no no don’t do this. Buy yourself a house.

unfortunateevents · 19/01/2023 16:30

I wouldn't even be in a relationship with him , never mind buying a house!

whattodo1975 · 19/01/2023 16:32

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 15:05

long term, just like I’m not comfortable buying a house with him, I don’t think I would feel comfortable being legally married to him either. And yes I can afford to buy a place on my own but he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together

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@Housingquery And yes I can afford to buy a place on my own but he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together.

I'd point out to him that he is right as a couple your should be buying together but given that he has nothing to contribute you cant buy together.

Sounds to me like he is very immature, i would run for the hills personally, as this will only become more of an issue as your lives progress.

LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 16:34

I wouldn't even be dating him, let alone consider buying a house with him.

Life with an irresponsible spender is a nightmare of mine. Fuck no...

Draconis · 19/01/2023 16:34

I do think it would be wise to buy with him. Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you're planning on having a family but this would put you in an extremely vulnerable and infuriating situation if you decide to go on maternity leave and then have childcare expenses.

Even without that, he's having a ball knowing you're funding holidays and everything for the both of you for you to have a lovely life together, while he happily carries on spending on himself.

lamaze1 · 19/01/2023 16:35

"he says since we’re a couple we should be buying it together"

Well he needs to be more careful and get saving then doesn't he!

Seriously OP, don't do it. The fact he has the audacity to trot out the line above demonstrates just how entitled he already is.

Also my sister had one like him. He conveniently tried to deny having agreed the trust when they broke up despite having sponged off her for years.