Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

buying house with fiscally irresponsible DP

115 replies

Housingquery · 19/01/2023 14:42

We are currently renting. Partner wants to buy a house together. I don’t feel comfortable buying a house together. He has no savings. Been together 4 years and he hasn’t managed to save even though we’re on similar wages and share costs of living equally. He has a car on finance and always manages to get speeding fines or parking fines pop up. He is fiscally irresponsible and tends to buy takeaways daily instead of taking a packed lunch to work. He won’t look at prices when shopping for groceries, just picks up anything and puts it in trolley without budgeting. I tend to be the one who is better at managing finances and saving. He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit and he will split the mortgage and bills 50/50. I’ve asked him to try his best to save, and he just says he is trying his best but something always comes up. We’ve suggested to get a declaration of trust to protect my deposit. Should I buy with him?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/01/2023 18:18

If you said to him, ‘at the moment, you don’t always have the money to spend on the bills, because you spend it on takeaways and whatever, I’m worried that if we buy a house, you won’t have the money to spend on bills/holidays and it’ll always be down to me to find them’ what do you think he’d say?

If you think he will say, ‘but we’re a couple and that’s what couples do’ honestly, stop and think this whole thing through. It’s no way to live your life as someone’s cash cow.

Iflyaway · 19/01/2023 18:21

And yes I can afford to buy a place on my own.

So do that. You will have a roof over your head for life. Having that security is priceless.

Relationships come and go in life and I bet there's someone so much more compatible out there for you.

He sounds like a loser. Financially, for sure.

icelolly12 · 19/01/2023 18:21

"He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit..."

I bet he does 😂

ComfortablyDazed · 19/01/2023 18:25

OP, you don’t necessarily have to break up with him (although it sounds like a very depressing relationship which will just wear you down).

Just don’t buy a house with him. Don’t put his name on it.

Get on the property ladder by all means - by yourself.

MintJulia · 19/01/2023 18:26

Please don't settle for him. He's seen your ability to be his banker. Don't be daft, you deserve much much better.

icelolly12 · 19/01/2023 18:31

If he's not made any real effort to save towards a deposit he can't want to buy a house that much. His priority is his day to day living. I'm sure he would like his own property, most people do, but if he's not willing to put in some hard work of saving it's all a bit too easy and he won't appreciate all the saving and sacrifices you have had to make, all to benefit him getting an asset he hasn't had to work hard for. This isn't a partnership. Please don't let him take advantage of you. You know you will live to regret it.

unsync · 19/01/2023 18:36

Don't do it. A financially irresponsible partner will destroy you. You will always be the one who has to find money to pay the mortgage / council tax / bills or whatever else. In fact I would say that you should actually consider your future with this person. My ex was like this, it was awful.

Clymene · 19/01/2023 18:38

Nope

pinkfondu · 19/01/2023 18:42

No wonder he wants too!!!

RenovationNightmare · 19/01/2023 18:49

He is a user.
I think he will keep spending recklessly.
What if in a year or two the house needs a new roof or boiler? Will you fund the total cost from your savings?
If you insist on staying together then perhaps you could suggest that you buy the house and ask him to sign a rental contract in order to rent the spare room!
His reaction should tell you all you need to know. He will either start saving - in which case you could consider it in a few years - or he will jump at the chance of being your lodger - in which case you will need to end the relationship as he will never be a partner in any real sense.

Saltovinegar · 19/01/2023 20:00

I've a friend who bought her house with her partner under very similarlr circumstances despite everyone, including her parents, telling her not to.

Two years later he's got another girlfriend and my friend has a baby he's paying sod all for. The house will have to be sold and he's demanding half the equity despite paying none of the deposit (she didn't ringfence it sadly). She had to ask for money every month and what he gave her never covered his half of the mortgage and bills.

It's absolutely heartbreaking to see.

comfortablylesslumpy · 19/01/2023 20:13

Absolutely don't.

I did what you are considering, and it cost me dear. Don't make my mistake.

LovelyDaaling · 19/01/2023 20:52

Don't even consider becoming financially entangled with him. He's using you. He'll be a millstone around your neck. Once his name is on the deeds, he'll be keeping most of his money for himself and spend yours for you. In fact, he's doing it already.

See him for what he is.

BunchHarman · 19/01/2023 22:29

He wants us to buy a house together, me pay full deposit and he will split the mortgage and bills 50/50

I bet he fucking does. He’s an absolute joke. Don’t settle for this loser.

Original poster
Housingquery · 20/01/2023 09:24

Shinyandnew1 · 19/01/2023 18:18

If you said to him, ‘at the moment, you don’t always have the money to spend on the bills, because you spend it on takeaways and whatever, I’m worried that if we buy a house, you won’t have the money to spend on bills/holidays and it’ll always be down to me to find them’ what do you think he’d say?

If you think he will say, ‘but we’re a couple and that’s what couples do’ honestly, stop and think this whole thing through. It’s no way to live your life as someone’s cash cow.

He’d probably go mad. Saying that I know he’s financial situation and it’s hard for him to save and budget because no one taught him how to do that and I shouldn’t be shoving it in his face.
and since I’m the one with more savings then I should be the one contributing more

OP posts:
NothingButSpace · 20/01/2023 09:27

Well you know he hasn’t got the money to buy a place and probably won’t have money for the bills either.

Also the fact he would go mad if you raised it again is a big alarm bell. You will probably feel you can never raise the subject of money with him. Are you scared of him?

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 09:33

Bloody hell. What is it with women on here paying men to be with them. This is the second thread in as many days.

what he’s seen in uou is the fact you’re willing to pay for it. Do not buy with this man. You don’t need to pay someone to be with you.

Original poster
Housingquery · 20/01/2023 09:34

NothingButSpace · 20/01/2023 09:27

Well you know he hasn’t got the money to buy a place and probably won’t have money for the bills either.

Also the fact he would go mad if you raised it again is a big alarm bell. You will probably feel you can never raise the subject of money with him. Are you scared of him?

I wouldn’t say I’m scared of him but I definitely do not like approaching sensitive subjects such as money issues because he does tend to get very defensive in these situations and sees it more as an attack than an important conversation to be had

OP posts:
Weenurse · 20/01/2023 09:34

There are plenty of books and apps out there on budgets.
Tell him he needs to do something about his budgeting and prove to you he can save.
I see him as always taking the easy way out and needing you to fill in the gaps.
Only you know if you can live like this.
People can change if they want to, it doesn’t sound like he does.

GSARZT · 20/01/2023 09:36

No, don’t buy with him. If you do not have the same financial values it will never work.

I’m not particularly sociable, it needn’t stop you finding a partner. I used internet dating and used the first few dates to suss out whether they’d be happy to regularly meet their friends and family on their own or of they needed me to be their social crutch.

if you don’t feel very attractive use the money your wasting on your partner to address that. I’ve just attended a colour analysis appointment to help me choose clothes that flatter the way I look.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 20/01/2023 09:36

Buy the house without him. He can save and buy his own

strawberry2017 · 20/01/2023 09:37

I'd rather be alone then in this situation.
This is not a healthy relationship.

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 09:38

OP, I'm not sure how long you've been on MN but there a countless threads of women who has done just that and regret it today.

Don't be one of them.

Also why are you even with someone like that? Ladies RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!!!!

Clymene · 20/01/2023 09:40

I wouldn’t say I’m scared of him but I definitely do not like approaching sensitive subjects such as money issues because he does tend to get very defensive in these situations and sees it more as an attack than an important conversation to be had

This is a massive 🚩

You cannot build a king term future with someone you cannot have open discussions with.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 20/01/2023 09:41

No
No
No
Run for the hills

I wouldn't even rent with someone like this never mind but somewhere!!