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Original poster

Should I pay more than my boyfriend

105 replies

Gina2919 · 07/01/2023 22:14

Hi guys I really need your help and advice.

I havre recently moved in with my partner and our children. I have a 21 year old him a 13 year old.
My son has been paying me board for the last 2 years...£200 but half of that is for his phone bill and a savings account I put away for him for a deposit for a house when he is ready. My partner gets money for his son about £87 child benefit and whatever he gets from the child's mother, I don't get involved as he doesn't want me too. Anyways as I see it we both have a child each so the bills should be split 50/50... he is now saying that I should pay £200 more than him as I get the money off my son...which I don't think is right...that arrangement is with my son and why should he pay less than me...both our children live with us, his goes to his mum's a few nights a week but that doesn't seem fair...can I add he earns way more than me as works self-employed and only declare earning £12k a year when he earns £35k... he only works 4 hours a days most days...I'm out the house 10 hours a day working full time paying full tax and NI
Is it right that he should pay less because my son is an adult?
He goes on about food...I eat small portion and don't eat crap and we have to but loads of junk food for his child as he doesn't eat normal meals...which I pay half off...my partner also eats twice as much as me so why should I pay more regardless. The money my son gives me all goes back on him for stuff he needs that's I normally buy...and we should pay 50/50 right ?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/01/2023 16:20

He's lined you up quite canny there hasn't he OP? Pity he's played his hand too early before you felt too invested in him. Make sure your contraception is water tight.

RandomPerson42 · 08/01/2023 16:43

He’s really played you for a fool. Report him to the tax man asap. Good timing to change the locks while he is away, glad you have your adult son living with you.

If I was you I would stop paying the bills, then when you split at least the bills will be split 50/50 between you by the various companies or the court.

In the meantime, make sure your son gets his own phone contract and savings account sorted.

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 16:49

I'm worried now if I kick him out and change the locks I'll get into trouble...I can't have him living in the house I'm paying all the bills for and I don't trust him...I'm out of the house 10 hours a day he can be doing anything in the house while I'm not there...he scares me and his ex says he was violent with her but I never believed her as he hasn't with me but who knows...he is very controlling with me...but I just put that down to the age thing and he was cheated on...he is verbally abuse to me all the time...to the point I've recorded it all

OP posts:
cortisolqueen · 08/01/2023 17:02

You can't change the locks if you have a joint tenancy as legally it's his home too.

Speak to the landlord to see if you can cut short the tenancy. If not you'll have to stay (with or without him) or at least pay the bills until the end.

But you need to be making plans to get away from him asap.

cortisolqueen · 08/01/2023 17:03

If he is abusive it would be good to get some advice from womens aid.

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

MrsRR1 · 08/01/2023 17:08

Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 16:49

I'm worried now if I kick him out and change the locks I'll get into trouble...I can't have him living in the house I'm paying all the bills for and I don't trust him...I'm out of the house 10 hours a day he can be doing anything in the house while I'm not there...he scares me and his ex says he was violent with her but I never believed her as he hasn't with me but who knows...he is very controlling with me...but I just put that down to the age thing and he was cheated on...he is verbally abuse to me all the time...to the point I've recorded it all

I do think you would get into trouble if you changed the locks so I'm not sure that's the best course of action.
I am surprised you agreed to move in with him given you knew he wasn't honest with finances, you had been warned he can be violent and you feel the need to record his verbally abusive behaviour. Can't you walk away? This situation sounds dangerous for you and your son

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 17:10

If I walk away half the bills are in my name and he won't pay then...he will leave me in a mess and I'll never get another mortgage

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2023 17:13

Is he on the tenancy agreement?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/01/2023 17:27

Speak to the landlord ask to be removed off the agreement. Ring the creditors and tell them your moving out on x date and give them his details and say he's taking over.

MrsRR1 · 08/01/2023 19:26

Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 17:10

If I walk away half the bills are in my name and he won't pay then...he will leave me in a mess and I'll never get another mortgage

It sounds like a mess already and you've moved in with him.
As others suggest speak to womens aid and get advice. Get out of the situation asap. It may harm your credit but its worth it for your safety amd sanity

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:32

Thank you ladies for all your advice...I'm in a right mess I know...but I have a good family who will help and support me

OP posts:
Zola1 · 08/01/2023 19:32

Does your partner own the house? Are you paying half the mortgage?

Zola1 · 08/01/2023 19:33

Zola1 · 08/01/2023 19:32

Does your partner own the house? Are you paying half the mortgage?

Sorry didn't read whole thread
I think he sounds petty and unreasonable 🌼

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:34

Hi no we are renting....only moved in 3 weeks ago and it's hell already....I shouldn't have moved in with him tbf but he said he would change and things would be better once we lived together

OP posts:
Rhutdvhf · 08/01/2023 19:37

Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:34

Hi no we are renting....only moved in 3 weeks ago and it's hell already....I shouldn't have moved in with him tbf but he said he would change and things would be better once we lived together

So the tenancy is now in both of your names? How long is it for?

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:39

Yes joint names for 6 month's...he says he isn't paying for anything in the house now...meaning I'll be paying everything and he is sitting cozy in the house...doesn't seem fair that I can't change the locks and move his stuff out...I don't want to break the law but I can't be in the house with him for 5 months

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2023 19:52

Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:39

Yes joint names for 6 month's...he says he isn't paying for anything in the house now...meaning I'll be paying everything and he is sitting cozy in the house...doesn't seem fair that I can't change the locks and move his stuff out...I don't want to break the law but I can't be in the house with him for 5 months

Can you speak to the landlord, explain the situation and ask them to end your joint tenancy, and start a new one with just you? They would have to evict you though unless your 'partner' agrees to surrender the tenancy early (sounds unlikely since he's leaching off you). I'd recommend you get some advice from Shelter to see if you have any options at all. Unfortunately you are liable for all the rent if he isn't paying.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2023 19:54

This is what Shelter say on their website - doesn't sound promising OP:

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancies/relationship_breakdown

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2023 19:58

In the meantime, I would 100% report him to HMRC. Log when he works and who for etc in a spreadsheet and any other info you have and share it with them, or ask one of your family to do it if you don't feel safe.

Rhutdvhf · 08/01/2023 19:59

Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:39

Yes joint names for 6 month's...he says he isn't paying for anything in the house now...meaning I'll be paying everything and he is sitting cozy in the house...doesn't seem fair that I can't change the locks and move his stuff out...I don't want to break the law but I can't be in the house with him for 5 months

Is there any break clause in the contract? If not you should speak to your landlord, explain you are being abused, and ask if there is any way of terminating the contract.

You could also ring the Council, tell them you’re being abused and, in effect, homeless. You don’t need to end the tenancy to do that.

You could also speak to Women’s Aid to see if they have any advice.

Original poster
Gina2919 · 08/01/2023 19:59

I know I'm going to ring the landlord tomorrow see where I stand...I can take the house on my own with just my wage which is good news...he can't because he only legally declares earning 12k....hopefully he will see I'm serious and not going to back down this time and move out himself...he normally go on and on about it till I give in for an easy life but not this time...he isn't taking my sons money...I knew he was tight and money oriented but he is going too far now...I've been saying for months we split everything for the house 50/50 never said anything about giving him my sons board money....which goes back on my son anyways...I don't benefit from it...I do it so my son has savings and pays for his own phone bill and other bits he needs in the month I buy for him

OP posts:
amonsteronthehill · 08/01/2023 20:36

Give notice and get out of there. He's taking the piss. You had an agreement, and he's immediately trying to milk you for more.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 08/01/2023 22:40

Look after yourself OP. I really feel bad for you and your son.

Marmight · 08/01/2023 23:48

If you move out, you can contact the council, water and elec/gas to say you have moved out and they can prepare final bills for you. It will then be up to him to pay from then.