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Original poster

Cohabitation agreement

90 replies

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:11

I've name changed for this thread.
I currently live with my partner of almost 4 years in rented accommodation. We both have children from previous relationships, mine live with us and his come for contact regularly- ish. We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.
I work full- time but on maternity leave, he works part time.
He has £18,000 of debt via credit cards and I have no debt.
He has no savings and I have £15000 of saving as a house deposit to buy. I have had these saving since before we met.
I want to buy in the next few years and saw my solicitor this week for a separate matter and asked her where I stand if we were to divorce. She said do not marry him if I want to protect my assets ( house, savings, pension and life insurance). She also suggested I obtain a cohabitation agreement prior to buying a house to ring fence my assets from him making a claim on them.
I talked to him about it a few days ago and he is really pissed off.
I feel awful but want to protect what I have worked hard for for my kids. He says I don't trust him and that I am not committed fully to our relationship by asking for it.
What do you guys think? I'm inclined to take the solicitors advice and get an agreement drawn up for him to take to a solicitors himself and get signed before I buy a home. And prepare to be on my own should he leave.
I just feel so crap right now.

OP posts:

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 23/12/2022 09:13

I wouldn't be committed to him either, he will drag you down financially. The difference between his -£18k and your £15k is £33,000. He is looking at you with ££££ in his eyes.

STARCATCHER22 · 23/12/2022 09:17

The fact that he is annoyed about you wanting to protect what you have worked hard for tells you everything you need to know.

FinallyHere · 23/12/2022 09:18

do not marry him if I want to protect my assets

This ^

And watch his reactions carefully. Take heed about what he gets cross about. That's always an attempt to train you to change your behaviour.

Looks as if he would rather you didn't protect yourself. You know what to do.

FinallyHere · 23/12/2022 09:19

And congratulations on not going into this blindly.

Soreandtiredandsickandcranky · 23/12/2022 09:20

We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.

I bet he does! Cheapest way he’ll ever offload all his debt.

Listen to your solicitor.

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 09:24

I would not marry him, in fact I wouldn't even want to live with him.

What is he doing to address his debt issues? Why does he only work part time? And, obviously too late now, but why did he choose to have another DC with you if he clearly can't financially manage his current life style?

It is well known that many single Dads target single Mums to get themselves a comfortable life style ... new woman gets pregnant and is trapped. Don't let this happen to you.

chary · 23/12/2022 09:27

Don't get married if you are the one with the assets.

Blanketpolicy · 23/12/2022 09:36

You have different attitudes to finance, yours is healthy and he comes with too much financial baggage and an entitled (to your money) attitude too. You would be mad to marry him or get financially entangled with him.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 23/12/2022 09:37

Honestly I'd look at someone with that amount of debt as being a dealbreaker for me because I'm a saver and want to protect my money. His reaction tells you everything. He wants the stability you will provide, your savings will become our savings as far as he's concerned.

Don't marry him.

Polarbearyfairy · 23/12/2022 09:37

The debt would make me wary. How did it accrue, does he have an actual plan to pay it off (beyond paying the minimums for 10000 yrs)?

Once you marry or combine finances the debt will affect your credit score and be taken into account if you apply for a joint mortgage.

Does he also have a pension?

As you have children I wouldn't want to marry him either, protect those assets for their benefit.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 23/12/2022 09:39

And how committed to the relationship, wrt to your security and well being is he? If he is prepared to compromise your capital like that?

I can understand that he feels sensitive and takes it personally, but the facts are the facts.

For you, getting married risks half of everything you have… for him it means gaining half of everything you have.

With debt like that he won’t get a mortgage.

OK, giving him the benefit of the doubt, talk to him about it not being personal, it is about your security. And about now needing to protect your older kids. It’s business, not feelings. Feelings can still be feelings.

Don’t get married. He can’t give you the financial security that frequently makes marriage the better option for SAHMs. His financial circumstances make him a threat to your financial security.

Also check out your position wrt household income rather than his individual income for support for his children.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/12/2022 09:39

Soreandtiredandsickandcranky · 23/12/2022 09:20

We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.

I bet he does! Cheapest way he’ll ever offload all his debt.

Listen to your solicitor.

Exactly!

Tell him you've given your savings to help a poorly relative and watch his reaction.

Or better yet, bin.

MadeForThis · 23/12/2022 09:45

Listen to your solicitor. Once you are married he is entitled to half your assets and you will be liable for his debt and his future debt.

How did he accumulate his debt?
How is he paying it off?
Can he afford his debt, cms and to pay half of the household expenses?
What is his wage in comparison to yours?
What is your plan for work after maternity leave?

Autumntimeagain · 23/12/2022 09:47

OP he works part time and is £18k in debt, and has his kids regular(ish!!) !

He's the bloody definition of a cocklodger ! I'm quite sure you're extremely handy as a housekeeper/cook/launderess/wage earner etc, and that's what he's interested in !

And to top it all, he has the nerve to try to say that you're not 'committed' to a relationship with him unless you give him 50% of all you have ?? (Note, HE has fuck all to 'offer' YOU except debt and puts the responsibility for 'earning' to support you all onto YOU too, by not even working full time !!)

If he's so 'committed' to you, he'd be jumping through hoops to show you that he's NOT after your money by agreeing to sign whatever you wanted !

As per your solicitor, I say don't marry him either.

superdupernova · 23/12/2022 09:48

His reaction is a worry. When I moved in with my (now) DH I offered to sign a cohabitation agreement because it was his house with about 80k of equity at the time. He thought it was a bit extreme and unnecessary. I worked in litigation and had been involved in cases where ex partner's wanted a share of the house so insisted. I pointed out that if we didn't break up it would be an irrelevant piece of paper anyway. If we did break up and it was amicable, it would also be irrelevant. Where was the harm in signing it in either case?

tietheknot · 23/12/2022 09:51

I agree with PP, the reaction is the worry. I had this situation and my partner completely understood that I was protecting my child’s inheritance. If there is no plans of breaking up, I don’t see his issue…

Original poster

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:51

Polarbearyfairy · 23/12/2022 09:37

The debt would make me wary. How did it accrue, does he have an actual plan to pay it off (beyond paying the minimums for 10000 yrs)?

Once you marry or combine finances the debt will affect your credit score and be taken into account if you apply for a joint mortgage.

Does he also have a pension?

As you have children I wouldn't want to marry him either, protect those assets for their benefit.

He won't be able to get a mortgage. His credit file is shot from where he missed payments etc and tied himself in knots.
He acquired the debt by buying a car on credit card. Tried to be savvy by doing a balance transfer to another credit card for the 0% and then continued to spend on the old credit card. He then got overwhelmed by the payments and missed a few. The cards have now defaulted and his is paying them back at £50 a month each.
He is part time as there are no jobs here that fit with childcare for us as I am full time shifts, one of us has to be available for pick up from school ( no after school club/ wraparound care) as we are quite rural.

OP posts:

Original poster

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:51

Polarbearyfairy · 23/12/2022 09:37

The debt would make me wary. How did it accrue, does he have an actual plan to pay it off (beyond paying the minimums for 10000 yrs)?

Once you marry or combine finances the debt will affect your credit score and be taken into account if you apply for a joint mortgage.

Does he also have a pension?

As you have children I wouldn't want to marry him either, protect those assets for their benefit.

He does have a pension.

OP posts:

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 23/12/2022 09:52

Protect what assets you have.

To give a real life example. My mum died with no will so my dad inherited her assets. He went on to remarry and then he died and my step mum inherited everything. Me and my 3 brothers inherited nothing and my stepmum is now remarried.

My parents left a house worth over £1m and various other monetary assets. I know that had he thought about it, my dad would have wanted that to be split between his new wife and his children but that didn't happen.

You have children and need to ensure that if you want your assets to go to them that you take deliberate steps to make that happen.

You also need to consider the possibility that the relationship will not work and that you may need to exit. If you do then you want to have a clear division so that you can take back out of the relationship the things that you bought to it.

jellyjellopeea · 23/12/2022 09:55

If you're on mat leave does that mean you have a child together?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 23/12/2022 09:56

Financially he will drag you down.. Emotionally resentment will set in for you both. You for being saddled with his inability to manage his money. And him for you being better with money.
Don't marry him op.

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 09:58

Why is he pissed off? Surely he would agree it’s in your best interests to protect yourself and your kids.

Given his poor financial position, he should understand the issue.

I think you would be mad to buy with him or marry tbh. His reaction says it all.

MangoBiscuit · 23/12/2022 09:59

I'm in a similar-ish position OP, but we live in a house I own rather than renting (I was very lucky to get on the housing ladder when young) and my DP does have some savings and no debt.

He is very much onboard with us ringfencing my capital when we finally buy a house together, as he knows I want that to go to my daughters. He WANTS me to protect myself and my daughters, and he knows that is nothing to do with how much I love and trust him.

If he tried to guilt trip about it, I would not be thinking about marrrying joining finances one day. Sorry.

Original poster

beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:00

I agree with what most of you are saying. I have no plans to break up, he does contribute to the house in other ways. Such as the school run, cooking, handy work.
I love him and he is a good dad.
To who asked about child support. He pays cash to his ex monthly. I have stated that I am not comfortable with this and want to set up a SO so there is a paper trail of payments in case she claims he hasn't paid.
He walked away from his marriage with the two credit cards, she however kept the house and all of her savings as he signed everything over to her when they divorced.
He didn't even fight it to clear the debt so they both had a clean slate. I do accept that I wasn't party to their finances and can't really comment on the reasons why he racked up debt and she didn't.
He is financially illiterate and has no idea about credit scores/ mortgages/ income and expenditure.

OP posts:

Original poster

beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:00

jellyjellopeea · 23/12/2022 09:55

If you're on mat leave does that mean you have a child together?

Yes

OP posts:

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