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Original poster

Cohabitation agreement

90 replies

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:11

I've name changed for this thread.
I currently live with my partner of almost 4 years in rented accommodation. We both have children from previous relationships, mine live with us and his come for contact regularly- ish. We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.
I work full- time but on maternity leave, he works part time.
He has £18,000 of debt via credit cards and I have no debt.
He has no savings and I have £15000 of saving as a house deposit to buy. I have had these saving since before we met.
I want to buy in the next few years and saw my solicitor this week for a separate matter and asked her where I stand if we were to divorce. She said do not marry him if I want to protect my assets ( house, savings, pension and life insurance). She also suggested I obtain a cohabitation agreement prior to buying a house to ring fence my assets from him making a claim on them.
I talked to him about it a few days ago and he is really pissed off.
I feel awful but want to protect what I have worked hard for for my kids. He says I don't trust him and that I am not committed fully to our relationship by asking for it.
What do you guys think? I'm inclined to take the solicitors advice and get an agreement drawn up for him to take to a solicitors himself and get signed before I buy a home. And prepare to be on my own should he leave.
I just feel so crap right now.

OP posts:
Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 10:02

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:51

He won't be able to get a mortgage. His credit file is shot from where he missed payments etc and tied himself in knots.
He acquired the debt by buying a car on credit card. Tried to be savvy by doing a balance transfer to another credit card for the 0% and then continued to spend on the old credit card. He then got overwhelmed by the payments and missed a few. The cards have now defaulted and his is paying them back at £50 a month each.
He is part time as there are no jobs here that fit with childcare for us as I am full time shifts, one of us has to be available for pick up from school ( no after school club/ wraparound care) as we are quite rural.

Show quote history

Whilst I think you are being sensible and understandably want to be cautious

However I am curious, if he is working part time to facilitate your childcare, what are you doing financially to compensate him for that?

Because if the roles were reversed and wr had a thread with someone in 15k of debt and they couldn't work full time because their partner did and so they had to do all the school runs etc, they would probably be getting advice to marry and protect themselves, and that your savings and wages should be shared money (appreciating you are currently on maternity)

How would you work full time and build up so much savings if you partner wasn't around to do the child care?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/12/2022 10:02

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 23/12/2022 09:56

Financially he will drag you down.. Emotionally resentment will set in for you both. You for being saddled with his inability to manage his money. And him for you being better with money.
Don't marry him op.

This.

What proactive steps is he taking to remedy his financial illiteracy? Why does he not work more?

Idontdoyoga · 23/12/2022 10:02

A younger )high enough earning) friend of mine married a bloke who only had the clothes he stood up in. He took nothing into the marriage. She had worked hard all her adult life. They had one child together. No other kids for either of them.
They eventually divorced after a ten year relationship of which 4 were married,

He took her to the cleaners. Took £50,000 plus one of her pension funds.
DO NOT MARRY this man.
Enough of us are warning you!

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:07

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain
I had the savings before we got together as I have said in my previous replies. He had the debt before we got together.
I pay most of the bills and the rent and he contributes to the rent/ bills according to our wages. Ie, he pays less as he earns less, I pay the fuel costs for the school runs etc and regardless of my kids, he has to be part time to collect his own kids from school when we have them. We are supposed to have them half the week but he is currently arguing back and forth with his ex about this which is a separate issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:10

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
I would like him to take on some extra shifts at weekend etc to clear the debt but he won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:11

When I say he works part time, I mean he does 30 hours and not 37.5. I do 40 hours shift work when not on maternity leave.

OP posts:
Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 10:13

beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:07

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain
I had the savings before we got together as I have said in my previous replies. He had the debt before we got together.
I pay most of the bills and the rent and he contributes to the rent/ bills according to our wages. Ie, he pays less as he earns less, I pay the fuel costs for the school runs etc and regardless of my kids, he has to be part time to collect his own kids from school when we have them. We are supposed to have them half the week but he is currently arguing back and forth with his ex about this which is a separate issue.

I'm not saying he should have access to your savings or you should do anything about his debt

I'm just saying that you have had a baby together, which I presume ties him into working part time for X number of years further unless you are willing to change your hours to facilitate childcare?

And so he has all the potential impact on his earning ability, his pension and therefore his inability to pay of debts and build up savings, whilst facilitating you working full time and giving you the opportunity to potentially build up your savings

I don't think it's black and white, and I can see why if he do easily ended up in this position he came out of his last relationship with debt.

tribpot · 23/12/2022 10:19

Would he have more earning capacity if he wasn't picked up your kids every day, but only working shorter hours on the days when he has his own kids? If so, he is sacrificing some of his earning capacity to support your blended family. Also if you're on mat leave, he could be working a second job at the moment whilst you do the school runs?

Even if there was no interest accruing, at the rate he is paying back this credit card debt it will take him 15 years to pay it off. Does he understand this? The baby you've just had will be doing his/her GCSEs before it's resolved.

The whole thing sounds very messy and unfortunate. But it boils down to whether you are a family or not. You've chosen to have a child with him, he plays a major role in your other children's lives. Your extremely different attitudes to money should probably have been discussed first. But now that you have reached this point, it does feel as if you first need to decide if you are in a committed, long term relationship with him and what the most appropriate model of shared finances is. I honestly could not cope with someone this financially illiterate.

orangegato · 23/12/2022 10:25

Your kids will be rightly furious when their inheritance is soaked up by this feckless loser’s debt and they get nothing. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Think of your children’s future and the absolute drain he will be on it.

purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 10:26

Do exactly as your solicitor advises. Say to your fiancé once he has cleared his debts and got off his lazy arse and works full time to support his family, you will join finances...after talking again to your sensible solicitor

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 10:38

If my DP had debts of £18k and refused to work weekends I would not be impressed. And why was he so keen to have another DC when he has so much debt? Please don't say it was 'an accident'.
He really doesn't sound much of a catch even if he does do the school run (for which you pay the petrol Hmm).

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:41

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 10:38

If my DP had debts of £18k and refused to work weekends I would not be impressed. And why was he so keen to have another DC when he has so much debt? Please don't say it was 'an accident'.
He really doesn't sound much of a catch even if he does do the school run (for which you pay the petrol Hmm).

I think while I'm on maternity leave, I will do all the school runs and he can try to pick up more hours at work or work weekend or something.
It wasn't an 'accident', but at the time I wasn't aware of the extent of the debt

OP posts:
Notonyournellykelly · 23/12/2022 10:41

I also don't think it's as clear cut as it seemed initially. Him working part time is one thing, but the fact he's doing it to look after your shared DC and also doing school runs for your other DC(?) is another.

Agree that is sucks that he has all this debt and you have savings while he has none, but....you share a child who he works part time to look after. It's messy due to the blended family element, but if this was a woman working part time to care for her DC with her male dp, the dp would probably get flamed on here if he said he refused to get married as he wants to protect his assets for his own DCs.

You clearly have different attitudes to money, but it seems a lot more complicated and messy than just that

Notonyournellykelly · 23/12/2022 10:43

Yes, you doing more of the domestic work while you're on mat leave also makes sense. It does not make sense to have one person at home all the time on mat leave while the other works pt. That usually isn't feasible unless the PT worker has a huge hourly rate or the mat leave is incredibly generous

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:48

I should probably add- sorry if it's drip feeding,but an important point. DP children have both parents so have the potential to have 2 lots of security/ inheritance.
My kids only have me as their father isn't involved (his choice).
I guess the reason I am so keen tori gfence my assets is because that is all my kids have.

Also In regards to his work, we both do the same job, me on 40 hours and him on 30.
I may also see if my mum could do the afternoon school pickups ( as it's only 3 days per week as I work long shifts 3 days per week) and then he could go back to being full time.

OP posts:
givethistokevin · 23/12/2022 10:50

You are on mat leave but he works part time so he is available to collect your children from school?

America12 · 23/12/2022 11:12

beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:10

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
I would like him to take on some extra shifts at weekend etc to clear the debt but he won't.

Why would he ? He's got it made.

TeaCosyApplePie · 23/12/2022 11:16

Agree with the other posters. If you marry and he outlived you, if he doesn't spend it all first he could theoretically leave it all to his kids or anyone else he feels like leaving it to! Protect your kid's inheritance. I'm married, but if anything happens to DH before me I won't marry again for this very reason.

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 11:16

So he wants to not work weekends But also wants to buy a house, have a child and get married? Whilst working less than full time.

Just so happens to be with someone much more financially stable than he is. Now he is being moody because you feel it’s not a great idea.

He also hid the debt while planning and trying to conceive a baby with you. Bit non of this bothers you because you love him?

Survey99 · 23/12/2022 11:35

I talked to him about it a few days ago and he is really pissed off.

I bet he is.

This is a disaster in the making. He is not "financially illiterate" he is an incompetent adult. The shine will wear off eventually as resentment builds - either because you finally realise how incompetent he actually is and get fed up being the only grown up, or he is resentful because he does not have equal standing in your "joint" finances that he already feels he is entitled to.

Do not marry him. Do not merge your finances. Make it clear his debt and reckless choices are not your debt. Buy the house in your name and do not allow him to contribute to the mortgage keep it separate, listen to your solicitor and your instinct to ensure he has no claim on you and your childrens home and security. Make sure he contributes fully to his keep.

You are taking on a manchild. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope you do not regret it, or at least come out of the other side relatively unscathed.

FlamingJingleBells · 23/12/2022 11:44

Don't marry him but if you do then only buy property as tenants in common not joint owners. This way you can gift your half of the house & any assets yo your d in your will.

It's really important that parents who remarry do this otherwise their children from previous relationships inherit nothing. It all goes to the new partner who usually then gifts it to their own biological children cutting out the step kids. I've seen this happen many times so make sure you get a will done ASAP & don't marry him.

purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 12:01

FlamingJingleBells · 23/12/2022 11:44

Don't marry him but if you do then only buy property as tenants in common not joint owners. This way you can gift your half of the house & any assets yo your d in your will.

It's really important that parents who remarry do this otherwise their children from previous relationships inherit nothing. It all goes to the new partner who usually then gifts it to their own biological children cutting out the step kids. I've seen this happen many times so make sure you get a will done ASAP & don't marry him.

This is incorrect. Regardless of what's in a will or ring fenced, a husband can not be left homeless and would be given by a court, a home similar to what he lived in with the deceased.

Ring fencing would only work with divorce.

You can't disinherit your husband or wife even if you've paid for everything.

Basically marriage gives rights. In this case don't marry!

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 23/12/2022 12:01

When I met exh he had debt. And wasn't then working for medical issues. I had a dc (not his). I worked. He was a sahp to that dc. We struggled financially.. I was borrowing from family to pay bills. He got a great job. I was still borrowing off family. He didn't see us as a team..
Exh now as resentment set in as I described above. I threw him out.

purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 12:02

You'd need to set up a trust.

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 12:09

You say you've been together for four years but didn't know about the debt until after you had a DC together? That doesn't sound like financial illiteracy it sounds like deceit. How can he not have mentioned it? How is he paying it off?

Honestly, the more you tell us about him the worse he sounds.

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