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Original poster

Cohabitation agreement

90 replies

beekindx · 23/12/2022 09:11

I've name changed for this thread.
I currently live with my partner of almost 4 years in rented accommodation. We both have children from previous relationships, mine live with us and his come for contact regularly- ish. We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.
I work full- time but on maternity leave, he works part time.
He has £18,000 of debt via credit cards and I have no debt.
He has no savings and I have £15000 of saving as a house deposit to buy. I have had these saving since before we met.
I want to buy in the next few years and saw my solicitor this week for a separate matter and asked her where I stand if we were to divorce. She said do not marry him if I want to protect my assets ( house, savings, pension and life insurance). She also suggested I obtain a cohabitation agreement prior to buying a house to ring fence my assets from him making a claim on them.
I talked to him about it a few days ago and he is really pissed off.
I feel awful but want to protect what I have worked hard for for my kids. He says I don't trust him and that I am not committed fully to our relationship by asking for it.
What do you guys think? I'm inclined to take the solicitors advice and get an agreement drawn up for him to take to a solicitors himself and get signed before I buy a home. And prepare to be on my own should he leave.
I just feel so crap right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 12:12

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 12:09

You say you've been together for four years but didn't know about the debt until after you had a DC together? That doesn't sound like financial illiteracy it sounds like deceit. How can he not have mentioned it? How is he paying it off?

Honestly, the more you tell us about him the worse he sounds.

I knew there was a debt of about £6-7000 which I accepted, I didn't know about the rest.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 23/12/2022 12:17

I mean I'd be unsure about committing full stop.

But otherwise your solictor is spot on. Do not marry him, and yes to the co-habiting agreement. I had one with my ex-h before I married him. It was actually also used as a basis for dicussion on divorce. But I did end up paying out £20k to keep his hands of my house.

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 12:18

@purpledalmation
My solicitor said the same as you, that if we married and I died he would get at least a third of the estate regardless of me wanting all of it to go to the children.
I am going to ask him for a cohabitation agreement before I buy the house, especially if he is not prepared to work full time or get some extra shifts and clear the debt. If he had acquired the debt legitimately as part of our relationship then I would feel different but it was from before I was with him and I build up my savings to buy a home before I met him.
My kids from my previous marriage only have me, I left that marriage in debt and have busted my ass over this last 10 years to clear it and establish savings, I'm not prepared to risk that.
Thankyou for all of your replies, I know what I am going to do now :-)

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 12:24

@beekindx Good on you!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/12/2022 12:30

beekindx · 23/12/2022 10:07

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain
I had the savings before we got together as I have said in my previous replies. He had the debt before we got together.
I pay most of the bills and the rent and he contributes to the rent/ bills according to our wages. Ie, he pays less as he earns less, I pay the fuel costs for the school runs etc and regardless of my kids, he has to be part time to collect his own kids from school when we have them. We are supposed to have them half the week but he is currently arguing back and forth with his ex about this which is a separate issue.

He is choosing to earn less; that shouldn't get him a break on the rent & household expenses!!!

Those pro rata splits are only fair if each adult is working to full capacity.

Yabado · 23/12/2022 12:48

So basically he lied about 10k plus of debt if you knew about the 6-7 k debt
he a proven liar
crap with money
has no real way of paying off 18k of debt

you have no debt
15k of savings
work full time

I can see what he gets out of it but not you financially you are miles and miles apart

don’t buy a house with him
dont get married
unless you want to be back on here in a few years crying that he walking off with 50 percent of your house , hard earned money and pension and savings

tell him you will consider it when his debt is cleared and he’s built his credit rating up
which will probably be never

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2022 12:49

He works part time
He has debts of £ 15,000
He is paying off the debts at £ 50 a month. Even without interest that 25 years to pay off
You have a deposit of £ 18,000 for a house
He wants to get married

I think you should listen to your solicitor. Even better, I'd run like the wind from this bloke.

tribpot · 23/12/2022 12:55

Actually his debt is 18K, spread across two cards. He's paying £50 a month on to each. So 'only' 15 years assuming zero interest, rather than 25. But basically the same situation - a lifetime of debt and apparently not much interest in clearing it, or in fact in being truthful about it. How did the full extent of the debt become clear, @beekindx ? And in fact are you sure you now know about all of his debts?

Picking up on an earlier point about him paying child support in cash, this does also seem very risky.

ShandaLear · 23/12/2022 12:58

I wouldn’t marry him until he had cleared his debt and started saving. I’d also want to check where he stood on his pension. If you do want to get married I’d look at a 5 year plan rather than a one year plan. He needs to be an equal partner, not hanging on your coat tails.

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 13:07

tribpot · 23/12/2022 12:55

Actually his debt is 18K, spread across two cards. He's paying £50 a month on to each. So 'only' 15 years assuming zero interest, rather than 25. But basically the same situation - a lifetime of debt and apparently not much interest in clearing it, or in fact in being truthful about it. How did the full extent of the debt become clear, @beekindx ? And in fact are you sure you now know about all of his debts?

Picking up on an earlier point about him paying child support in cash, this does also seem very risky.

When we were juggling our budget for me to take maternity leave he came clean about the extent of the debts.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2022 13:14

tribpot · 23/12/2022 12:55

Actually his debt is 18K, spread across two cards. He's paying £50 a month on to each. So 'only' 15 years assuming zero interest, rather than 25. But basically the same situation - a lifetime of debt and apparently not much interest in clearing it, or in fact in being truthful about it. How did the full extent of the debt become clear, @beekindx ? And in fact are you sure you now know about all of his debts?

Picking up on an earlier point about him paying child support in cash, this does also seem very risky.

Assuming zero interest AND no further spending on them, which over 15 years frankly isn't sustainable. But there is interest so at £ 50 a throw it's going to be longer than 15 years. MInimum payment of 2.5% per month is £ 450 on £ 18k.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 23/12/2022 13:18

When we were juggling our budget for me to take maternity leave he came clean about the extent of the debts.

OP, so basically he led you into a situation where you will have a child with him when he is not in a position to support that child financially. I would have been really angry. How dare he let a woman get pregnant with his child without having disclosed the truth?

Whatever his motivation (hopeless romantic, hopeless with money, or dishonest freeloading twat) he is on no position to be pissed off with you for protecting your assets (and the assets of his child with you) from his financial mess.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2022 13:23

I notice that he didn't 'come clean' until you were pregnant, OP, (so at the point in his eyes you are committed to the relationship) and only then did he admit to the extent of his debts. Are you sure you know about everything he owes?

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 13:47

If he is supposed to have the kids 50/50 why is he paying child naintenence?

Soothsayer1 · 23/12/2022 13:50

Well he would say that wouldn't he!
he's onto a good thing if you can get you locked down, now his last hope is to try and make you feel guilty so that you give in and he gets his hands on everything

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 13:50

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 13:47

If he is supposed to have the kids 50/50 why is he paying child naintenence?

Because they don't have a court order and she is only letting them come ad hoc at the moment. Sometimes weekends and sometimes for the correct 3/4 nights. She is saying that he only has them 8 nights a month and the CMS need a court order to say otherwise. He has applied to the court but it is taking ages to get to a judge. I don't know the exact ins and outs as he deals with everything regarding his ex.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 23/12/2022 13:54

You say hes financially illiterate but he seems pretty astute when it comes to stopping you from protecting your own interests...
Stupid like a fox

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 23/12/2022 14:11

No way should you marry (I.tie yourself into a legal and financial contract) into this hot mess of a situation.

Suzie0003 · 23/12/2022 14:23

What about a prenup? Would that solve the issue?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/12/2022 14:54

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 23/12/2022 13:18

When we were juggling our budget for me to take maternity leave he came clean about the extent of the debts.

OP, so basically he led you into a situation where you will have a child with him when he is not in a position to support that child financially. I would have been really angry. How dare he let a woman get pregnant with his child without having disclosed the truth?

Whatever his motivation (hopeless romantic, hopeless with money, or dishonest freeloading twat) he is on no position to be pissed off with you for protecting your assets (and the assets of his child with you) from his financial mess.

Well said!

He's not too financially illiterate to assess your assets and earning power.

What sort of man isn't out there hustling like hell to earn every bit he can to support his family?

purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 16:07

Suzie0003 · 23/12/2022 14:23

What about a prenup? Would that solve the issue?

Limited use in most normal marriages on divorce, and none at all on death.

Original poster
beekindx · 23/12/2022 16:15

Suzie0003 · 23/12/2022 14:23

What about a prenup? Would that solve the issue?

It's not a watertight method, it's used as a starting point and can be overruled. I think just not getting married is the answer.

OP posts:
UnicornRidge · 23/12/2022 17:42

Soreandtiredandsickandcranky · 23/12/2022 09:20

We are not married but he wants to get married in the next year or so.

I bet he does! Cheapest way he’ll ever offload all his debt.

Listen to your solicitor.

Very sensible advice. Listen to your solicitor. Do not marry this guy.

Someone in the office has gone through the same experience. She is from a very rich family, no financial skills, dad still alive. He keeps asking her for money, expensive watches, and guilt trapped her into transferring a house her dad gifted her. When he knows her dad is not giving her more money and he has got enough from her, he openly cheat on her. The level gaslighting is crazy. This poor girl works in HR.

Suzie0003 · 23/12/2022 18:27

That's crazy, I'm genuinely shocked!! I thought that was the whole point of a prenup 😬

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 23/12/2022 19:36

Suzie0003 · 23/12/2022 18:27

That's crazy, I'm genuinely shocked!! I thought that was the whole point of a prenup 😬

It’s an American thing, geared to American law. It works in films, not in the UK.