Have I committed financial abuse?

[penguin2020]

Hi,

I need to get other peoples take on this.

I live with dh and our 2 dd's. For the last 2 years, dh has been at uni. We discussed this 2 years ago and agreed that I would financially support the family whilst he completed his degree. I have a good job and I am able to manage this, so I was happy. I also see it is an investment in our future as he will most likely earn more in the long run.

So... I manage all of the money and dh currently contributes nothing to the household expenses. Again, this is fine and was always the plan.

we have a joint account, our own account and a credit card each. I tend to look after all of the money stuff. last week I had to pay an unexpected bill of £276. Things were already a little tight as we have just had a new boiler fitted. I paid using the credit card ( I hardly ever use credit cards) that is in dh name. I didn't think twice about this as it's just 'our' money. I also pay all of the bills on the cards so it's not as though it was going to cost him anything. I didn't think anymore about it.

day or two later he saw the transaction and challenged me about it, saying that I should have asked him and that this is an example of financial abuse. Now my issues are -

I pay the f**ing bill.
we are married and I didn't think it was an issue ( I know that legally you are not meant to use someone else card)
I pay everything without question

AIBU he is he?

I don’t think this is financial abuse. But sounds like he does have the situation on his mind and is uncomfortable with it.

If DH used my credit card, which he pays off, financial abuse wouldn’t even cross my mind.

No its not. Abuse is usually about a pattern of behaviour that is designed to control the other person.

Putting something onto a card when you pay the bill is not abuse, it’s money management.

Howeverf id be very concerned about what your husband is up to and why he makes accusations like this.

You should have told him. He’s feeling financially vulnerable atm (because he is totally reliant on you. The debt belongs to you both because you’re married, but it’s in your husband’s name.
Tell you you’ll pay it off as a priority so that it doesn’t cause any long term issues. Make sure he has passwords etc for the joint account. Try to keep him in the loop a bit better about how the family finances are managed. He is also responsible for this.
So yes, I think this could be considered financially abusive but I don’t think it necessarily means you are an abusive partner generally or that this is a major issue for your relationship. Apologize and discuss with him beforehand in future.

It's not financial abuse, but it is a bit odd to use his credit card. If you pay for absolutely everything and he pays nothing at all I can see how awkward situations will arise.

Of course it's not financial abuse! If he's that bothered he can always get a part time job like most students.

He probably feels vulnerable having not been earning for a couple of years.

Surely it is you being abused if anyone? .. The entire responsibility of your lives is down to you.
At uni my dd had a job and paid her way.

What is he studying and what are the job prospects?

I'd be very wary that he's run up debt.

No. If you pay the bill anyway, what does it matter which card it was taken from?

The only way this would be financial abuse would be if you maxed out the card, preventing him from using it, and he had no other access to money.

I can't think of any other way it could possibly be abusive?

No. It’s not.
we always use eat others cards - it’s usually whatever card/purse/wallet is closest (or if I’m on his laptop I use his auto fill etc)
I say this as the one being supported whilst I’m on mat leave.

Maybe you need to have a conversation to get to the real reason he was stressed about it

I don't think it's financial abuse but I wouldn't use someone else's credit card.

I think he's likely feeling financially vulnerable.

They're a married couple, finances are shared.

I don't think this is an example of financial abuse, which is a pattern of behaviour. But it sounds like something else is going on for him to say straightaway that it's financially abusive.

It could be something very simple like he's got stressed because he wanted to put your Christmas presents on that card, it could be anxiety from feeling dependent on you, it could be a part of a wider pattern. We don't really have enough details.

I still wouldn't use DHs credit card. I don't get why she didn't use her own, or get him to buy it?

If she rang up a pile of debt on his card and the walked away he'd have a hard time proving it was joint debt.

If they split up the debt would be his as it is in his sole name.

If you pay the bill on the card it's not financial abuse. Unless you also do things like threaten to not pay the bill you've run up for his card during a row. You should have told him though so it wasn't a surprise.

He's being unreasonable saying it's abuse and I'd be pissed off about being accused of that, given the massive favour you're currently doing him by supporting him. Abuse is about trying to control someone, which you're not doing. I'd want an apology. He doesn't get to wave his willy around and beat his chest just because he's feeling vulnerable. Many women are financially vulnerable and often not through choice (pregnancy and childbirth being women-only things). They don't generally go around insulting the person supporting them, they either keep their worries to themselves and get on with it or talk to their partners rationally about what's bothering them. It was his choice to put himself in this position, he can deal with the feelings of uncertainty and vulnerability it creates or he can quit study and go get a job. Taking it out on you isn't fair.

You don't say what this bill was for but in future make sure you only put bills for family/household things or his personal things on his card and not your own personal things. I know it doesn't make any difference if you put £100 house repair on his card and £100 car insurance for yourself on your card, because there's still £100 on each card and you pay the bill for both cards anyway, but it's more respectful to him. And if you did split up he couldn't go around bad mouthing you for running up personal debts on his card.

Not abusive but I wouldn't be happy. You have a card in your own name. If you wanted to use his you should have asked. Give him some agency.

It's fraud to use his card. It breaks the terms and conditions for you to use it. I think you should have had a conversation first.

I don't think it's abuse but why didn't you just use your own card?

Maybe it's time to discuss your approach to your finances again

Tbf she's paying for everything else so he shouldn't have a problem with it.

Which is likely why he has said it is financial abuse.

OP why aren't you a named card holder on his account?

Or better still why don't you have a credit card in your sole name? If things screw up in your marriage you will then still have access to funds.

Doesn't mean she can run up a debt in his name. Just because they are married doesn't make it right.

He has a problem with it because it is fraud.

I know people whose spouse's and partner's debit cards have been cancelled banks because they have been caught on camera using it.