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Original poster

Have I committed financial abuse?

103 replies

penguin2020 · 16/11/2022 13:42

Hi,

I need to get other peoples take on this.

I live with dh and our 2 dd's. For the last 2 years, dh has been at uni. We discussed this 2 years ago and agreed that I would financially support the family whilst he completed his degree. I have a good job and I am able to manage this, so I was happy. I also see it is an investment in our future as he will most likely earn more in the long run.

So... I manage all of the money and dh currently contributes nothing to the household expenses. Again, this is fine and was always the plan.

we have a joint account, our own account and a credit card each. I tend to look after all of the money stuff. last week I had to pay an unexpected bill of £276. Things were already a little tight as we have just had a new boiler fitted. I paid using the credit card ( I hardly ever use credit cards) that is in dh name. I didn't think twice about this as it's just 'our' money. I also pay all of the bills on the cards so it's not as though it was going to cost him anything. I didn't think anymore about it.

day or two later he saw the transaction and challenged me about it, saying that I should have asked him and that this is an example of financial abuse. Now my issues are -

I pay the f**ing bill.
we are married and I didn't think it was an issue ( I know that legally you are not meant to use someone else card)
I pay everything without question

AIBU he is he?

OP posts:
brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 14:28

a credit card each why didn't you use yours. How did you get access to his? It's not on to go round helping yourself to bank cards.

ToastAndJames · 16/11/2022 14:29

Is it possible he owes a lot on the card and doesn’t want you to know?

LIZS · 16/11/2022 14:33

Not abuse but dodgy to use a card in someone else's name, especially without their consent. Why not just ask him to do it?

orbitalcrisis · 16/11/2022 14:33

Him leaving you to not only earn all the money but to administrate it too could be considered a little abusive. What does he bring to the relationship? Is he pulling his weight in other areas?

TheProvincialLady · 16/11/2022 14:40

You shouldn’t use his card without him knowing (my DH and I use each others’ cards occasionally but that’s ok with us) but it certainly wasn’t abusive. I would be very unhappy about being accused of financial abuse in these circumstances. In fact I would be offering to stop all risk of it by Suggesting he starts contributing to the income and financial running of the family, university or no university.

orbitalcrisis · 16/11/2022 14:41

My ex used to say he was useless with money and bills so could I handle it all. I did, then he would accuse me of being obsessed with money! He not only used it as an excuse to be lazy, but also to set me up as some sort of abusive, money obsessed bitch when I asked if I could maybe have some of his wages to pay the rent!

girlmom21 · 16/11/2022 14:42

It's not financial abuse as a one off but I'd be really annoyed if I was him.

Cornishclio · 16/11/2022 14:43

That is not financial abuse. Not sure what his problem is but maybe you shouldn't have used his card.

Keha · 16/11/2022 14:49

I don't think it's financial abuse, but it sounds like your finances/financial management has become very one sided in that you just do it all. I could imagine him feeling out of the loop so perhaps it's worth a chat and looking at whether you need to share financial decision making more (even though he is not financially contributing as that was a decision you made as a couple).

MakingNBaking · 16/11/2022 14:52

Technically it probably was fraud, but my dh wouldn't bat an eyelid, especially if it was for a purpose as you describe. Actually, I can't think of an instance where dh would bat an eyelid even if it were for my personal benefit. And he pays his way in the household.
Prime case of what's yours is ours and what's mine is mine.
Can't even say he was keeping the card clear to spend on a special secret Xmas pressie for you since you pay the card bill anyway!

TheMatlockMangle · 16/11/2022 14:52

I'd be asking him to justify that comment. How insulting when you're supporting him financially. Why isn't he earning and contributing to the household? I went to uni as a mature student (married with kids) and I worked a part-time job the whole time.

Beautiful3 · 16/11/2022 14:55

I diet think it is. But if it bothers him so much, I'd stop his money. He can get a part time job.

RandomPerson42 · 16/11/2022 14:55

He’s being a dick saying it’s financial abuse, but would be correct to say it was wrong, because it was - the card is not in your name.

mrsm43s · 16/11/2022 14:56

I don't think, given your set up, that you're being financially abusive as such. But I do think it's disrespectful. For example, I'd never say no if my DH asked if I had some cash in my purse to pay the window cleaner, BUT I'd be pissed off if he took it upon himself to rifle through my purse for cash without asking, even though all our money is joint.

FatToFitPart3 · 16/11/2022 14:58

I wouldn’t say abuse, but really out of order not to let him know as you did it. What if he also put something on it and then it went over the agreed card limit?

FloydPepper · 16/11/2022 15:00

Try posting this as a bloke saying you pay all the bills with your money. See how that goes.

not abuse but your attitude of “I pay” isn’t the mumsnet way.

FloydPepper · 16/11/2022 15:01

Beautiful3 · 16/11/2022 14:55

I diet think it is. But if it bothers him so much, I'd stop his money. He can get a part time job.

This would be abuse though. Jesus.

20weeksandcounting2023 · 16/11/2022 15:01

I'd be telling him if he he has a problem with YOU using a card YOU work to pay off suggest he gets his arse back to work

kingtamponthefurred · 16/11/2022 15:04

Of course it's not abusive. And if he is this unreasonable now, what is he going to be like if he becomes the economically stronger partner?

Divebar2021 · 16/11/2022 15:10

The fact that you’re the earner for the family doesn’t entitle you to use his card. You could easily run up a large debt for which he would be liable. The fact that you pay the bill is irrelevant because you’re not carrying the debt and you could choose not to pay it without incurring a penalty. He might feel he’s lost some agency over the joint finances because he’s not currently earning.

Newlifestartingatlast · 16/11/2022 15:13

TeaAndJaffacakes · 16/11/2022 13:48

You should have told him. He’s feeling financially vulnerable atm (because he is totally reliant on you. The debt belongs to you both because you’re married, but it’s in your husband’s name.
Tell you you’ll pay it off as a priority so that it doesn’t cause any long term issues. Make sure he has passwords etc for the joint account. Try to keep him in the loop a bit better about how the family finances are managed. He is also responsible for this.
So yes, I think this could be considered financially abusive but I don’t think it necessarily means you are an abusive partner generally or that this is a major issue for your relationship. Apologize and discuss with him beforehand in future.

I agree with what you say.
however, financial abuse is a distinct action to deliberately do something financiallly/not do something that will harm the other person. I think it’s a real stretch to call it abuse given she didn’t do it with intent to injure him
BUT : it is illegal . Simple. She must not do that. I guess that’s what he is really pissed about. He wasn’t asked give his consent . So she is in wrong. It’s a bit of a slippery slope - my ex took out credit cards in MY name going as far to forge my signature (days when it was all in writing). We were in reverse situation in that he was earnt nothing, me as sole breadwinner, but he managed all the finances. I was furious - illegal and forgery. He didn’t tell me and it only came out some months later when I opened a credit card bill in my name- he had got to the previous ones first. We had a very frank exchange of views. He said I was making a fuss about nothing. Fuck that. He never did it again and cards got cancelled out of principle.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2022 15:19

OP how would you feel if he spent nearly £300 on your card without telling you then said it didn't matter because you paid the bill anyway?

MynameisJune · 16/11/2022 15:22

I don’t think it’s financial abuse but I think it shows a disdain for your husband and his contributions to your family. I’m guessing the lack of respect that you couldn’t even just ask him even though you both know you pay the bill is what’s actually bothering him.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 16/11/2022 15:26

I always use my husbands card if I can't find mine, I pay for it each month at the end so as far as I'm concerned it's mine as well, if he got funny about me using it he'd have it back and he could pay for it each month himself !

CovertImage · 16/11/2022 15:28

If someone whose lifestyle I was completely supporting financially accused me of being financially abusive, I'd suggest that he go and fuck himself sideways