Have I committed financial abuse?

[penguin2020]

Hi,

I need to get other peoples take on this.

I live with dh and our 2 dd's. For the last 2 years, dh has been at uni. We discussed this 2 years ago and agreed that I would financially support the family whilst he completed his degree. I have a good job and I am able to manage this, so I was happy. I also see it is an investment in our future as he will most likely earn more in the long run.

So... I manage all of the money and dh currently contributes nothing to the household expenses. Again, this is fine and was always the plan.

we have a joint account, our own account and a credit card each. I tend to look after all of the money stuff. last week I had to pay an unexpected bill of £276. Things were already a little tight as we have just had a new boiler fitted. I paid using the credit card ( I hardly ever use credit cards) that is in dh name. I didn't think twice about this as it's just 'our' money. I also pay all of the bills on the cards so it's not as though it was going to cost him anything. I didn't think anymore about it.

day or two later he saw the transaction and challenged me about it, saying that I should have asked him and that this is an example of financial abuse. Now my issues are -

I pay the f**ing bill.
we are married and I didn't think it was an issue ( I know that legally you are not meant to use someone else card)
I pay everything without question

AIBU he is he?

Nope not financial abuse, that's ridiculous.
Is it a joint CC account or do you have separate CC accounts? If you have separate accounts then I can see a little bit why he might me miffed, as that's his own personal debt (even though you pay the bills). So that should result in a discussion about expectations and respect, but not about abuse

Yeah I'd not be comfortable with someone running up debt in my name either OP, sorry. You should have asked. Why didn't you just put it on your card? I don't know why it would even occur to you to use his card, let alone without asking?

So you pay off the card and he is crying foul. Tell him to take a hike!

It's the idea of having debt in his name when he has no means to pay it off. You pay the bills but what if you decided not to? He would have debt in his name with interest rates that can be high and no way to make payments.

Did using the card leave him with no other access to money? Does he use the card for dailies?

It’s weird he has jumped straight to that.

Theres something else at play here. If he is feeling weird about not earning, he can get a part time job.

I would be wary that he is trying to build a picture of you as an abuser who earns good money while he has no income.

But no I wouldn’t use dp credit card without telling him.

@CovertImage
If someone whose lifestyle I was completely supporting financially accused me of being financially abusive, I'd suggest that he go and fuck himself sideways

Good point, well made.

I'd be really upset if my DH accused me of abuse in this situation.

So any bloke who is the sole earner is entitied to act as he wishes and if tokdbits abusive, can tell his partner to fuck off?

no. Didn’t think so

*told it’s

I’d be upset that I’d not got the balance right, or inadvertently let them feel that. That would upset me. I wouldn’t jump to telling them “I pay for everything, shut up”

Yanbu. He is.
If its affecting him that much why doesn't he do what millions of other students do, get a job!!

I find it odd your dh isn't working. When I went back to uni I took a pt university course to ensure I could keep on working.
As PP have said, everything is on you financially except this one transaction. I'd say you're the one being taken for a ride.

I think it’s a bit controlling. You’ve used credit in his name and not told him about it and then when he finds out and confronts you you say ‘well I pay it anyway’ implying that you can do whatever you like because you pay the bills when in reality, it was a joint decision for you to support the household whilst he focuses on studying as in your words - he will come out of it a higher earner so would therefore improve your lives, you will benefit from it. It shouldn’t mean that you control all the finances and get to use credit in his name without telling him. It’s disrespectful at the least and it should be family income, not just yours.

im a SAHM and luckily my husband wouldn’t act like that. I have a credit card and if he needed to use it he would ask me. Never would he use the terms ‘my money’ ‘I pay the bills’ let alone run up debt in my name without telling me. He appreciates the unpaid contributions I make and his earnings is our family income, not just his.

I agree , the responses would be very different on here if the gender roles were reversed.

Nope. All CC in my name but dh pays them. If he needs to use it he just takes it which is rare though.
I don't care what he pays with it. Or the amount provided he knows he can afford to repay. Although i have all the Internet banking details so id just log on and pay anyway if need be

I’m a SAHM and sometimes use my card and sometimes DH card. He’s the same, we do shout “using your card” when we do it though. But no I don’t think it’s financial abuse. There’s something else going on with your husband, it seems like an overreaction on his part.

Because that's not what they agreed was right for their family and would mean he spends less time with his children?

This

That would be abusive.

No. I think he's a got a nerve, you're funding his degree. Does he have any income to support himself. For e.g. a student loan.
I don't think if the roles were reversed is comparable, as that in that situation the woman would often be a sahp, not someone that has decided to go back into full time education, at someone else's expense.

That doesn't mean she gets to take out debt in his name

Theyre

That doesn't mean she gets to take out debt in his name.
shes not taking out debt in his name, shes took on responsibility for paying the debt and has shown a consistent pattern of paying of his debt.
I'd seriously be telling him to fuck off and get a job, if someone dared to accuse me of financial abuse when I am fully financially supporting them. Cheeky bastard.

They're only shared to the degree the couple decide to share them. While in a divorce generally assets and debts are considered to be joint outside of a divorce situation it's the one in whose name the debt is who is legally responsible for it. if OP decides to no longer share her earnings there's very little he can do short of seperating. So yes there are valid reasons he might be feeling financially vulnerable and uncomfortable with this situation.

What bollocks.