Have I committed financial abuse?

[penguin2020]

Hi,

I need to get other peoples take on this.

I live with dh and our 2 dd's. For the last 2 years, dh has been at uni. We discussed this 2 years ago and agreed that I would financially support the family whilst he completed his degree. I have a good job and I am able to manage this, so I was happy. I also see it is an investment in our future as he will most likely earn more in the long run.

So... I manage all of the money and dh currently contributes nothing to the household expenses. Again, this is fine and was always the plan.

we have a joint account, our own account and a credit card each. I tend to look after all of the money stuff. last week I had to pay an unexpected bill of £276. Things were already a little tight as we have just had a new boiler fitted. I paid using the credit card ( I hardly ever use credit cards) that is in dh name. I didn't think twice about this as it's just 'our' money. I also pay all of the bills on the cards so it's not as though it was going to cost him anything. I didn't think anymore about it.

day or two later he saw the transaction and challenged me about it, saying that I should have asked him and that this is an example of financial abuse. Now my issues are -

I pay the f**ing bill.
we are married and I didn't think it was an issue ( I know that legally you are not meant to use someone else card)
I pay everything without question

AIBU he is he?

Using his credit is taking out debt in his name, whether she's paying it or not.

It was an innocent mistake on your part, and clearly not financial abuse, but that card is in his name and it's his debt technically, so you should certainly have discussed it with him. Why didn't you put it on your own card?

My DH has been using my credit card loads lately. I told him he can pay it off and I was not happy about it. That said we both earn decent money- him more and he puts in a lot more that me to the bills

She is taking out debt in his name for which he and only he is legally responsible. The fact she is supporting him while he studies doesn't give her carte blanch to take out debts in his name. No I don't think it sounds like OP is financially abusing him. Those are his feelings and he's entitled to his own feelings. They néed to talk about why he's uncomfortable/worried about with this.

Well that rather depends on what’s been agreed between two adults. DH and I will just tend to use whoever’s card is within easier reach (left on the side in the kitchen, in the glove compartment etc) and both credit cards are paid in full every month from our joint account. We don’t have any financial secrets and both have access to each other’s online banking although we don’t exactly make a habit of checking on each other; it’s purely for the odd occasion where we need to make a transfer or whatever from a particular account. All our finances are shared. It’s not up to anyone else (except the bank) to tell us it’s “not on”.

It’s not financial abuse per se but just because someone is not currently earning doesn’t mean they lose all autonomy or agency over resources.

He is at your mercy: if you didn’t pay it would be his debt, his credit score, etc.

Be a bit sensitive and respectful, don’t take him for granted, talk about it. All you had to do was say “0h, such and such a bill went in your card… this is why.. will be paid of on xx date”.

She is taking out debt in his name for which he and only he is legally responsible. The fact she is supporting him while he studies doesn't give her carte blanch to take out debts in his name. No I don't think it sounds like OP is financially abusing him. Those are his feelings and he's entitled to his own feelings. They néed to talk about why he's uncomfortable/worried about with this.

Wonder if the gas, electric, mortgage have his name on too and he feels similarly abused when the op generously pays them. Poor diddum's.

It seems that you supporting the family has turned into you gatekeeping all financial transactions.

If I were your DH, I'd be miffed you put something on a card in my name without discussing first.

Take a step back and see if you've fallen into a mindset of thinking you are the only financially responsible adult on the house because its your salary paying the bills.

Saying 'I pay the f'ing bill' makes me think you're acting a bit martyrish and coming across as only you worry about bills, your DH is just there and not contributing. I assume he does contribute in other ways and is looking to make the future better for you all financially.

That'd be the equivalent of her paying on a joint card. That's not the same either.

Definitely wouldn't be an issue here and don't think you did anything really bad/abusive, but I would have told DH it was happening before I used the card. Ultimately it's in his name so seems like a basic courtesy to let him know. His reaction being so OTT is more indicative of his feelings about the whole situation as opposed to what you did. You were just sharing finances, a situation that is benefitting you all (long-term).

This thread seems very different to those where the male higher earner uses phrases like “I pay all the bills” or “it’s my money”. On those, he’s pretty much always accused of abuse and the poster is told it’s joint money, he should share without any complaint.

in this case both people have agreed the partner doesn’t work and the op does. That mean the op pays. They shouldn’t use that to lord it over their partner, disregard their feelings, and act like the partner should be grateful and shut up.

You were tight for money this month and needed to do an unusual transaction - looked for what resources were available, considered your husbands CC and used it... I can see how this would happen tbh, but it sounds as though you are not only paying for everything but also making financial decisions alone. Is this because you like to keep control of the situation and don't want any input or because your DH doesn't show any interest? It's not financial abuse though as a single incident, but I would be looking at what led you to just make this decision without talking it through with your DH.

He has a point you could have "mentioned" using his card.

OTOH, the fact you pay all the bills does not excuse him from being totally up to speed on the state of the domestic budget. He knew you had a new boiler.

That new boiler + unexpected bill = extra financial pressure this month.

So as a responsible adult and equal partner he could have mentioned that potential financial hiccup /challenge to you.

Instead of saying nothing and leaving it all to you as usual.

Far from being financially abused, he's been cocooned too long on that comfy cushion of financial oblivion, and it's high time he gave his head a wobble.

I don't think it's abuse as this isn't an example of using money to control someone. Legally speaking I suspect it's fraud as you used his card without his permission. The underlying issue though is that he is clearly uncomfortable with the situation of you paying for everything.

The obvious answer is for him to do what almost every other student does these days and to get a part time job to help support themselves. Even those with full student loans usually need some sort of work to top up their income and very many don't get the kind of support you're currently giving him.

In the kindest way possible he needs to give his head a wobble.

No, but it's more polite to ask first.

Isn’t the more obvious answer for the earning partner (who agreed to this) to not be an arse about paying for things…

It's fraud.

The fact that your finances are consolidated doesn't matter. Were you to split, the credit card debt would be in your husband's sole name.

@FloydPepper I don't see any evidence of the OP being an arse about paying for things. She says she 'pays everything without question' and that 'this is fine and was always the plan'.

She is now questioning herself and seeking the opinions of others after being accused by her husband of financial abuse. I don't know in which world you would interpret that as OP being an arse about it.

That’s fair, sorry op.

I think a few other posters saying things like they’d tell their partner to fuck off probably made me think she’d said to him that she pays for everything. I think even saying that would be “being an arse” but yes, it may be she just keeps that resentment to herself

Are you financially abusing your DH? Absolutely not.

Is your DH financially abusing you? Absolutely yes.

Why can't he work even PT and study? Millions of other people can.

It is not abuse

He feels insecure about the fact he hasn't even got a part time job
Wanker

Every one saying it’s fraud to use someone else’s credit card, you do know it’s possible to have an extra card that you give to someone else on your account? I assume this is what the OPs DH has done.

This.

He has a lot of nerve, opting out of earning & then questioning your financial management.

Is every non earning partner abusive or is it just the men?

He could feel grateful instead! He is being supported completely by his wife to pursue his goals in life!