Not sure how to feel - AIBU

[Sarahzzx]

Hi

me and dh have been married for 10 years and together for nearly 20. We are 41 and 42 with one DS.

dh handles the bills etc. he earns 3x my wage and pays the majority. I contribute £250 to our joint account towards the bills and mortgage etc.

we Built up quite a bit of debt about 5 years ago in the region of 50k. Not going into how/why but we both agreed that it needed to change. Dh was particularly worried as he had tried to shield me from the full extent. He ended up on anti depressants etc.

last year I ran up a bit of extra debt which he balance transferred for me and aid off.

yesterday I found out that we still owe about 30k in total. I raised this with dh and I admit I was a bit angry.

he feels that I’m being unreasonable for the following reasons-

1. I never ask him about the debt, or show any interest
2. I have been happy for him to pay off additional debts etc that I have accrued
3. he makes all of the payments from his Salary
4. that I need to accept that it’s a joint issue and not money that he has spent on personal frivolity 5

AIBU to feel annoyed with him?

Well you should know everything that goes on with family finances rather than let him deal with it op

Your both equal adults and regardless of how much you pay into the household pot it's a joint debt so you can't be angry at him when you don't even know the ins and outs of it yourself.

What do you do with the rest of your income?
£250 is a very small contribution to z household

Given that he’s paid debts off which you ran up then yea, it seems a bit unreasonable.

You pay £250 per month to the household bills?

if he pays 3 x that then he’s pAying £750, meaning joint bills of £1000? What does that cover? Mortgage/rent? Gas, electric? Water? Council tax? Is food included in that?

Yes. You’re unreasonable to be annoyed. You both agreed that whatever led to running up debts had to change. He changed and has been paying off debts and you didn’t and have been creating new ones. You’re being unfair.

It sounds like you haven’t a handle, together or separately, on his to tackle the debt. That’s a BIG debt and I can’t fathom how £250 a month can contribute in a meaningful way to household bills, mortgage/rent, and debt of that scale.

I agree with him, sorry OP. You need to go through finances together and agree a way to pay the debt off, and stick to it. You also need to stop running up debt, as that will just be adding to the problem. It sounds like you need to sit down and work out a budget to see where you’re overspending.

He earns 3x what I earn but he pays more than 3x than my £250. I put £250 and he puts 1k in. He also pays the debts which come to around £1300 I think

He earns 3x but pays more than 3x including debt payments? Yeah, you're being unreasonable. Contribute more and your debt will clear quicker. You can't be angry at the joint debts, then run your own up and be happy for him to pay them off.

What are you mad at him about?
Can you contribute more towards the debt?
He is paying the bulk of all expenses and you are running up more debt so I'm not sure why you are annoyed.
Do you have enough money or is that why you have run up debt that you can't afford the £250.
Needs more info really.

He pays £2300 a month and you pay £250 so not sure you can complain.

Yep - you are being unreasonable.

Is there more to the story? I mean is your son needing extra care etc and that is why you do not get more employment yourself?

How much do you actually earn a month and where's it going?

You are being completely unreasonable. Surely you can see that?! I understand you might be stressed at owing so much, however that's partly your doing and you're contributing nothing towards rectifying it. You're perfectly entitled to feel angry at the situation you're in but you have no right to direct that anger towards your husband, the one that's actively working to reduce the debt whilst you're adding to it.

You need to figure out a way for you to earn more and service this debt faster.

You pay £250 a month in total and he's paying £2300 a month yet you're annoyed with him? Wow! Massively unreasonable. He's paid 20k off alone, you should be saying bloody well done to him.

How much money are you left with after paying your 250?

Incidentally, if your £250/month went towards the original £50k debt and absolutely nothing else, it’s take over 20 years to clear.

Let that sink in. How do you expect your husband to have it all paid in two years?

YABU. He has paid off 20k with no help from you it seems and you even built up more debt yourself. I suggest that going forward you manage this jointly as a married couple should do imo.

You need to sit down as a couple and go through every bit of paperwork, every bill and every debt and get a plan as 2 equal adults. Work out what the bills are and how much your joint income is. You may be able to pay off your debt quicker.
I have hardly contributed anything financially during my long marriage but I’ve still been very much involved in the families finances, in fact I’ve always been the one to do everything to do with money.
How have you accrued the debts, are you both living beyond your means, too much shopping, redundancy?

You are being very unreasonable. Take your head out the sand and work out how you are BOTH going to pay back the dept. And also 250 per month is totally unreasonable unless there’s a massive drip feed coming and you pay 1k in nursery fees too.

To have paid off the whole 50K debt in two years you would have to be paying £2084 a month , and thats without the additional debt you say he paid, or any interest occurred.

Sorry you said 5 years ago, well thats still £834 a month, to find to pay it down before any interest or your extra debt. No wonder he's not managed it. How on earth did such a huge debt come about in the first place?

Yes You are BU, you both need to come up with a plan to reduce the debt asap.

I’ve just reread your post. This is a reverse, right?

That's what I was thinking.